She Read More Than She Loved

“Wine comes in at the mouth and love comes in at the eye. That’s all we shall know for truth before we grow old and die. I lift the glass to my mouth, I look at you, and I sigh.”

“I watched a girl in a sundress kiss another girl on a park bench, and just as the sunlight spilled perfectly onto both of their hair, I thought to myself: How bravely beautiful it is, that sometimes, the sea wants the city, even when it has been told its entire life it was meant for the shore.”

“You and I, always almost. Again and again. I wonder if you recall the way I couldn’t keep my eyes off you. My head on your bare chest, bodies close. I watched you sleep, melting into you. It was an almost moment, the almost moment that started it all. We were always on the verge of almost. Never nothing, never something, but never again.”

“I hope when you look at her, you see me. And when you don’t, I hope you search for me. I hope you taste my lipstick every time you kiss someone else — and I hope the aftertaste is sour.”

“It was 11pm on a Tuesday night. We both had school the next morning. My mom told me to leave the house for a while. She and my dad were fighting with my brother again. I was so scared. I called you to come pick me up and you did. We didn’t say anything; at least not in the old and usual way, but with closed lips and your hand on mine, you said everything I needed to hear. I knew I could always count on you. Funny how that happens. One day you’re 14 so deep in love you can’t even think, then you’re 18 muffling sobs and screams into your pillow and you don’t understand why until you’re 21 when you realize you never needed someone else to feel whole inside. You’ve always been whole. It just takes some time to see that. Because when you fall in love at 14, finding out the hard way might be the only way.”

“When I say I love you more, I don’t mean I love you more than you love me. I mean I love you more than the bad days ahead of us. I love you more than any fight we will ever have. I love you more than the distance between us. I love you more than any obstacle that could try and come between us. I love you the most.”

“There are some feelings you will never find words for; you will learn to name them after the ones who gave them to you.”

“She was the kind of girlfriend God gives you young, so you’ll know loss the rest of your life.”

“I still talk about you — you know that right? Years from now, I’ll tell my children about the winter I found someone who helped me find myself. And then, I’ll tell them about how I lost it all in the spring.”

“This pen has been pressed to paper night after endless night. Pages are scribbled on, torn out, and tossed, nothing sounds quite right. I haven’t said your name in years, at least not out loud, though your laugh is something I’d recognize in the bustling of any crowd. I’m not sure where things started to break, for neither of us would bend. You and I were falling apart with every text we’d send. I have so much to say to you but I’m not sure where to begin. I guess I’ll start slow with a “hi” and “how’ve you been?” I don’t know much about your life now but I do know who you were. My heart remembers every last detail though my memory’s now a blur. What I do remember is the end, when things got really bad. It’s so easy to say I hate you for throwing away everything we had. But it wasn’t just you to blame and I realize all this now, and I wish I could apologize to you if time would just allow. We were just two kids learning about love with hearts stretched open wide, who thought we meant forever, not knowing we were just a ride.”

“A relit cigarette never tastes the same, and that’s all I’ll preach on rekindling old flames”

“He only wants you when he’s drunk. When he’s lonely and hates the idea of crawling into bed alone. When he’s had a night out with his friends and the evening — or morning, really — has started winding down. When everyone is dispersing and going home. When he’s not ready to leave without a companion He only wants you when he’s drunk. When his body wants another body and it doesn’t even matter if it’s your body. When he wants a mouth and hands and anything else to make him feel good. He only wants you when he’s drunk. When he can text you and ask what you’re doing and you’ll jump at a chance to have his attention. When he gives you just enough that you foolishly think it means more. He only wants you when he’s drunk. When the sky is blanketed in darkness and no one can see good intentions. Because they aren’t there. There’s no light anywhere. He only wants you when he’s drunk. When he can blame the liquor and conveniently forget the way he held your face in his hands. When he can say it was a mistake. When he can take it all back in the morning.”

“I know I’m not easy to love. I’m a chronic over-thinker. I overreact more than I should…And every once in a while, I might be a little insecure. But if I am in love with you, I can promise you wholeheartedly that you will be loved with so much passion and intensity that you’ll forget what life felt like before I came along. You will always be cared for and you will always have someone in your corner. Maybe I’m not the best at being loved - But I like to think I’m pretty good at loving.”