Oxygen

You are the constant of my future. Not that I take it for granted, but it's nice to know at least one characteristic of my future.

You are my future.

I know that and it's scary because I've always imagined myself as a National Geographic Explorer always around. But now that I'm actually facing my future, you look tastier.

I think it's the stability in general. I want a place where I can start a musical project knowing that I'll be here every step of the way. I want a pottery group, a woodworking group and a bookclub. I want all the boring stuff I never thought I would seek, but after year of insecurity I want stability.

I want to have a HOME.

I want to claim all of the furniture I left at my parent's. I want to plant trees and watch them grow. I want a dog.

Now I understand the struggle to be an Explorer. No Explorer has a stable family and now I know that I want it.

It's scary though. To understand that everything you wanted in you life (adventure and exploration) has changed. I still want those things, but they are accessories now. I just want to feel home.

I want adventures and exploration, but I want a home and a job where to get back to.

La felicità è una cosa strana.

È che ti trovo dannatamente sexy quando fai qualcosa che ti rende felice.

O forse è solo che ho dannatamente voglia di te.

Da quando non uso più i social ho avuto meno attacchi d'ansia.

Credo che non vedere cosa la società si aspetta da me, mi faccia bene. Mi concentró molto di più su quello che voglio e posso fare, senza preoccuparmi di quello che gli altri hanno già raggiunto.

I like my own company. I like to be alone sometimes, but be alone with you is on all another level.

I'm learning how to shut that bitch who screams in my head that everything will be ruined by me. I'm learning and now Jessica is not able to do nothing more than just say "you know that.." or "what if" that I immediately shut her.

I'm getting better thanks to you.

It's one year and few months now that I know for sure that he loves me. I now that, my evil alter ego knows that. But somehow, at night my mind decide that, thinking of possible bad things that could happen, is a good idea. Because "what if he is just a very good actor or you are just blind of love?" and that's when I mentally yell "HE CLEARLY IS DEEPLY IN LOVE WITH US, JESSICA" yes, my evil alter ego it's called Jessica. Sorry for all the Jessicas out there, but it really sounds like a name for a bitch and my evil alter ego really is a bitch.

Anyway, somehow at this hour at night if I'm not with him, Jessica starts to list all the possible bad outcomes of our perfectly going relationship (obviously in every and each outcome it's me who was so blind not to see what was in front of me i.e. Girl with which he was cheating on me or every kind of lie possible etc.).

In order to shut this bitch I just start remembering myself the last year and three months in detail so that THAT BITCH just shut the hell up and I can continue to be happily in love with my boyfriend who is happily in love with me.. Right?

No. I'm sure of it. I know it.

But I also thought the last one loved me.

That was four years ago Jessica. We are adults now. And we know FOR CERTAIN that he loves us. Not only because he told us, but come on, he lived with us three whole months without the possibility of going away AND STILL he shows us he loves us. THAT must be true.

#thanksquarantine

È come se il tempo decidesse di fermarsi fino al tuo ritorno. Come se i colori diventassero tutti di una sfumatura tenue appena esci dalla porta.

È mai possibile amare tanto una persona?

The ones in the movies or in the books. I've always been in love with the idea of finding that kind of happiness. The one that brings your smile at 100% just for a message even after almost one year of relationships.

I've always been in love with the kind of love written in books where something bad happen, but somehow those teenagers can be adult enough to find a breakthrough. I've always been in love with the kind of love that you dream about in the dreams you want to remember once awake.

I've always been in love with this kind of love that people claim to be fake.

But hey, now I'm in love with you and all of that it's f***ing true.

330 days that I've found my happiness.

Did I just fucked up everything?

Don't be ashamed of your happiness.

Ho voglia di te e dio solo sa quanto vorrei sapere se anche tu hai questa voglia.