King22

okay so you know how in Moana, the crab Tamatoa refers to himself as a decapod? means ten legs. but he’s only got 8 legs visible. where the fuck is his last pair, thought me, kip edgebug.

now, tamatoa is a coconut crab. the last pair of legs—the legs not on tamatoa—are called the fifth pereiopods. no further information was available on Wikipedia or anywhere else. no information as to why those legs would be hidden on tamatoa. bizarre, thought me, kip edgebug. also conspicuously absent was information on coconut crab reproduction, which would be useful if someone wanted to, say, write completely anatomically accurate disney-themed crab porn.

so obviously the next step was to go scholarly. i spent maybe four or five hours that evening researching coconut crabs on various difficult to navigate academic sites. turns out there’s not a lot of public information on coconut crabs, probably because nobody wants to get close enough to a coconut crab to find out intimate info on them. i made a jstor account to access things not available to the masses.

and finally i uncovered it. the answers to both questions. I uncovered the method of coconut crab boning and the reason why tamatoa’s fifth pair of legs are invisible all in one fell swoop.

the fifth pereiopods, my friends, (get ready for this) are BANG LEGS, used for HOLDING ON to MATES during CRAB BANGING. that’s it. that’s why disney didn’t show them. because they’re DIRTY and SEXUAL LEGS. yknow, on a CRAB.

but kip edgebug, you cry, what does this have to do with getting together with your partner?

so on the particular dating site i was on, there was a prompt on user profiles that said “what do you spend a lot of time thinking about?” naturally i put “the reproductive habits of coconut crabs”, because, well. the next prompt was “what is the most embarrassing thing you’re willing to admit?” to which my answer was “did you read the thing about the coconut crabs?”

my sweetie messaged me specifically because of those answers, god help her, and i relayed the info i uncovered, and we hit it off from there

I had to recreate the song from scratch just to make this joke so you’re welcome lmao 

someone literally had the balls of vibranium it takes to attempt christ air

in front of Tony Hawk

AND STUCK IT