ʙᴀᴍʙɪꜱᴍᴏᴏɴ

you couldn’t remember the last time you’d slept through an entire night without waking up every few hours and staring blankly at the ceiling, spiraling thoughts keeping you company until sunrise. 

instead, you had a deep and comfortable sleep. the kind you genuinely thought stopped existing for you years ago. 

and somehow, against all reason, your brain supplied the answer before you could stop it. 

satoru. 

you physically recoiled from the thought. 

the movement caused satoru’s grip to tighten instinctively around your waist and your stomach dropped. 

fuck, this was so so so bad. 

your rules were practically meaningless now. 

you carefully lifted his arm from your waist, holding your breath the entire time as you slowly untangled yourself from him. 

after waiting for a second, eyes trained on his features, he was unmoving still and you breathed out. 

the second your feet touched the carpeted floors, relief flooded through you.

your clothes from last night were dry now, resting against the armchair and you made a beeline for the items, putting them on quickly but quietly. 

as your jeans buttoned fully, you heard shuffling from the bed behind you and your heart dropped. 

slowly, almost amusingly careful, you turned around to see that satoru hadn’t moved from his position. 

one arm tucked beneath his head, icy eyes half-open beneath the morning light as he watched you from his place in bed. 

for the first time since you’d met the boy, you felt your stomach churn. 

your stomach fluttered, not anxiety exactly, but something closer to apprehension. 

you could barely name it, but you felt a bit nervous. 

you were never nervous!

“um, i uh-” you cleared your throat once as satoru watched you lowly, jaw clenched under your gaze, “i should get home.” 

a beat passed, then another and you hated to admit how much you despised silence from satoru. he was always irritatingly loud and his silence kind of unnerved you. 

your eyes didn’t leave him, wide and watching, unusually unguarded and even he could see that. 

satoru closed his eyes once more then, pulling the blanket up higher to his chin and essentially going back to sleep. 

you felt a pang in your chest, his hurt practically tangible in the air between you. 

it isn’t my fault!

you had to remind yourself of that. the nature of your relationship was laid out clearly and he couldn’t blame you for re-establishing them every time you accidentally stepped over the line. 

so with that, you grabbed your bag from beside the door and exited his room. 

unbeknownst to you, satoru’s eyes fluttered open once more, chest heavy as he watched the door to his room close and he felt his jaw clench. 

and for once, it wasn’t hurt that settled but anger. 

fucking annoyance. 

it was utterly irritating how you refused to let him in. 

you were a fucking nuissance and he wanted you more than anything. 

☀︎

there was something wrong with you, you were sure. 

why was your anxiety flaring up? why were you so uneasy? 

why is satoru being off with you throwing you off your axis?

you noticed the change instantly, but refused to acknowledge it. 

it’s been three days since you’d woken up atop satoru gojo and he’d made no effort to see or text you since then. three.

this was unusual considering the frat president normally found at least six excuses a day to bother you. 

you’d become accustomed to random texts that made no sense, texts telling you to come to parties or him simply sending you his location. 

you’d ignore most of them anyways, so when your phone remained suspiciously quiet, you simply carried on with your day. 

what did it matter? if anything, space was perfect after the way you’d embarrassingly been atop him that morning. 

except you kept glancing at your phone throughout the second day then immediately becoming increasingly irritated with yourself. 

what were you expecting exactly? a good morning text? 

ugh, you nearly gagged at the thought. 

your feet swung back and forth where you’d been laying on your stomach atop your bedsheets. 

when your thumbs hovered over his contact anyways, you blamed it on the fact that you were bored and needed a distraction. 

trouble: come over?  8:32pm

his response came twenty minutes later. twenty. 

usually, the text would barely be received before he’d already answered. 

and the response made you wish you had never sent a text in the first place.

gojo: busy  8:54pm

busy? busy? 

your jaw clenched momentarily, a feeling you weren’t quite used to settling in your stomach like a bag of bricks. 

his text was left unanswered. 

you blamed the stupid storm and your stupid self for letting yourself sleep, unknowingly making you more vulnerable. 

you wanted nothing more than to go back and erase that from happening completely, but you couldn’t. so you’ll settle for regret. 

you were sprawled out on the grass beside luna, attempting to work on your paper while she rambled on about some girls from her economics lecture. 

it was sunny that day, warm enough that students littered the campus in little groups. 

“so, i told her-” luna paused momentarily, “are you even listening?” 

your eyes snapped to her from where you’d been scanning the quad, huffing with a short nod quickly, cheeks uncharacteristically warm. 

“yes, of course i’m listening!”

luna seemed unconvinced, eyes narrowed but she didn’t spare one more second before going back into her discussion. that’s what you loved about luna, she was truly the perfect distraction. 

until she started asking a million questions, then you were simply annoyed. 

it was a tuesday, meaning satoru usually came by after practice despite not having a single class anywhere near the science building. 

he always showed up purely to pester you like a particularly persistent stray cat. 

sometimes he’d bring you a cherry coke, sometimes a chai latte, depending on the weather. and sometimes he’d bring pastries and sit beside you, absolutely annoying you to near death. 

you thought you’d feel relief once he stopped, except your eyes kept drifting around, waiting for him to appear. no, willing him to appear. 

just as you went to snap yourself out of this limbo he’d put you in, you spotted him. 

it was embarrassing how your stomach instantly settled. 

only to drop again. 

satoru walked across the quad with nanami beside him, hands tucked into the pockets of his sweats as his sunglasses rested atop his head. 

satoru was laughing at something nanami had said, properly laughing and your eyes followed him automatically. 

satoru glanced over, gaze finding yours as if fate herself had dragged his eyes over. 

your face remained neutral but you didn’t look away. but he did. 

satoru looked away without a grin, a wave or coming over, simply leaving alongside his friend. 

your stomach twisted unpleasantly, eyes immediately moving downcast. 

“ouch…” luna stated as she turned to watch you. 

you lifted your head up, eyes blank, “what?” 

luna’s brows raised, “weren’t you two, like, besties just last week?” 

your ribs tightened, “tch. i told you we’re not friends.” 

and it was true. you weren’t lying. 

satoru and you were anything but friends, barely even acquaintances! 

so why should you care that he was being so annoying?

“you sure?” luna hummed, violet hair bouncing a bit, “cuz everytime we sit here, he’s really eager to-” 

“luna.” you cut off, refusing to acknowledge the pit at your stomach, “satoru means nothing to me. can we stop talking about this?” 

you placed your ipad beside you on the grass, huffing as you pulled your legs to your chest, resting your chin on your knees. 

ugh, he was so irritating!

you don’t remember the last time you spared any person, besides your brothers and grandma, this much thought. let alone satoru! 

that’s what you liked about him from the start, that you didn’t have to think when you were with him. he’s ruining everything!

“did he say anything about tonight’s party?” 

your ears perked up like a damn cat, head turning to face her, “party?” 

“mhmm.” luna nodded eagerly, ever the biggest fan of sartoru’s idiot frat, “i’m not sure of the theme but it should be insane! can he invite us?” 

your tongue poked against your cheek, eyes narrowed on your friend as your mind moved a mile a minute. 

practically every party satoru had ever invited you to, you’d rejected. 

and now he didn’t even bother to invite you. that just irritated you more. 

“we’re invited luna.” you smiled at her, almost smirking as she narrowed her eyes at you but grinned eagerly regardless. 

“seriously?” she excitedly voiced as you nodded with a shrug. 

“yup.” you nodded once, “we’re going.”

luna eyed you suspiciously, uncharacteristically wary about a party, “you sure? do you even know the theme?”

no, you didn’t. but how hard would that be to figure out? 

you’d become somewhat friendly with the frat the last few months. well, at least your kind of friendly. 

you could just ask. 

☀︎

it was an ABC party. 

Anything But Clothes. 

music bled through the walls violently enough that you could feel the bass vibrating beneath your shoes while bodies crowded the front lawn in every imaginable interpretation of the theme. 

people wearing trash bags were on the roof, a girl wearing a whole outfit made from beer boxes waiting in line for sukuna to let her in and a guy walked past wearing nothing but purple bubble wrap around his crotch. 

“college is a disease.” you muttered as you watched the insane state of the alpha phi house. 

luna snorted beside you, “says the girl wearing caution tape.” 

you glanced down at yourself, the bright yellow tape wrapped around your body in overlapping strips, creating a sort of mini dress. technically. 

it had taken nearly two hours and a breakdown to assemble. 

“ugh, this is ridiculous.” 

“hey, you look hot!” luna stated with a grin as she adjusted her makeshift crop top that was made out of playing cards. she looked great too. 

“alright, let’s go.” you stated as you looked at the line outside the frat that stretched down the porch steps and practically down the block. 

pledges stood near the entrance checking names while drunk sophomore and freshman attempted to negotiate. 

your stomach twisted then. maybe this was all stupid. 

fuck, you should’ve stayed home! what were you even thinking? 

satoru obviously doesn’t want you here and he clearly has no interest in speaking to you. 

“next.” the deep voice immediately pulled your attention forward. 

sukuna. of course.

the vice president stood at the front of the door like a nightclub bouncer from hell, arms crossed and expression murderous. 

so murderous, you didn’t even feel the need to laugh at the pool noodles wrapped around his crotch like a diaper. 

he looked thoroughly unimpressed as the guy stepped forward, “c-carson.” 

the poor freshman in front of him visibly swallowed as sukuna looked down at his phone. 

he didn't even speak, simply looked up and shot the kid a look, as if daring him to argue that he was on the list. 

“um, i-”

“next!” 

luna winced from beside you, “as much as i would love sukuna to yell at me, he’s really scary.” 

you nodded once, “he enjoys this.” 

sukuna’s eyes lifted then, rolling his eyes at the two freshman girls babbling excuses and flirtatious remarks at him. then his eyes met yours.

his gaze dropped to the caution tape, slowly and deliberately before lifting back to your face, his lip twitching. 

“what the fuck are you wearing?” 

you scoffed, “i know you’re not asking me that.” 

sukuna’s smirk instantly fell, as if you reminded him just how ridiculous he looked, “shut up.” 

you grinned falsely as sukuna rolled his eyes once, looking mildly annoyed which probably meant he wasn’t actually annoyed. 

“name.” he stated flatly, eyes tinged with a touch of amusement. 

your eyes narrowed, “you know my name-”

“name.” 

he raised a brow as you stared back, eyes narrowed and arms crossed. 

luna was practically trembling beside you, hand reaching out to hold your arm, as if in warning. 

“um, she’s not even in line!” a freshman girl whined from the front of the line, pouting up at the salmon haired man. 

he offered her a sharp side eye that not only made her shrink back but her and her friend both scurried away. 

you’d barely paid attention to him at that point because you saw a glimpse of white hair inside the house and your heart flipped once. 

“not on here.” sukuna announced after glancing at his phone, a smirk tilting his mouth up as you glared at him. 

“well, check again.” you demanded, arms crossing once more, eyes frantic as they tried to follow the moving head of white. you knew damn well your name wasn’t on that list on his stupid phone. 

sukuna raised a brow once more, “i’d be nicer to me, sweetheart. m’the one that can magically make you appear on this list.” 

your jaw clenched once as his smirk remained painted on his ruggedly handsome face. 

this asshole. 

“um, maybe we should just go-” 

“let me in, asshole.” 

the words left you before you could stop them, tumbling from the tip of your tongue, absolutely riddled with your desperation to get inside. 

luna practically squeaked as her wide eyes looked between you and sukuna. 

the front of the line had gone quiet as well, awaiting the wrath of the vice president. 

meanwhile, sukuna’s face didn’t change and if anything, his smirk widened. 

“that your version of nice?” 

he almost sounded amused but you were anything but, huffing gently as your features melted into a scowl, “what do you want?” 

sukuna huffed out a laugh, “how bout we say you owe me one.” 

now, you didn’t know sukuna all that well but you knew enough to know that owing ryomen sukuna could not be a good thing. 

you, in your right state of mind, would have simply walked away, but you weren’t in the right state of mind. you were under some sort of curse caused by the frat president and you would do anything to stop feeling this way.

you’d been feeling weird the past few days and desperation to see satoru clung to your bones. you were probably just sexualy frustrated, that was all. 

“fine.” 

sukuna’s smirk widened, stepping away from the door, “have fun, sweetheart.” 

you merely shot him a glare as luna clung to your arm as you both walked into the chaos of the party that looked somehow worse from the inside. 

music rattled your ribcage, people dancing on tables and a girl had fully had two solo cups on each breast and around eight covering her lower half. 

“this is insane!” luna practically squealed, the words of fear she wanted to utter about sukuna dying in her throat, “look, it’s cole! i’m gonna go before ava gets to him!” 

she didn’t give you the chance to respond before she was zooming past you towards the blonde who you assumed to be cole. 

you shook your head softly, eyes lifting as you moved towards the kitchen to grab a drink. 

you willed your eyes to keep forward and not to scan the entire room like you desperately wanted to. 

with a small sigh, you grabbed a drink and leaned back on the counter, eyes drifting across the sea of people.  

you were not looking for satoru. you simply wanted to walk around, so you did. 

your feet carried you to each corner of the room, eyes scanning and checking before you made it to the little side room that was usually open. 

and after ten minutes of absolutely not looking for satoru gojo, you’d found him. 

or rather, you’d heard him. 

“YOU HAVE TO MAKE OUT!” 

your brows furrowed as you moved towards the open door and lo and behold, there he was. 

satoru was sprawled across the floor amongst a circle of people, white hair messy and eyes almost bloodshot. 

and he was practically naked. oh god. 

you looked at his version of anything but clothes and you wondered if he missed that the point is that you have to make clothes out of the item. meaning he should not be naked. 

satoru had a three giant ruby christmas bows around his crotch and ass. 

and despite the ridiculousness of it all, he looked damn good. 

his lean figure was leaning back on his hands, muscles bulging and chest glistening with a thin layer of sweat from, no doubt, his partying. 

there were a group of people, around seven, seated on the floor with an empty beer bottle in the middle. 

besides satoru, you’d only recognized nanami and that alone surprised you. 

whatever they were playing, you didn't think nanami would be taking part. 

you weren’t sure how long you’d been standing there but it must’ve been long because when you looked back at satoru, he was already looking at you. 

something flashed across his face as your eyes met his, something akin to relief. 

but you were more focused on the bloodshot nature of his eyes, you had no doubt he was both high and drunk. 

you hated it. 

his gaze softened on you before the softness disappeared just as quickly. 

“hi.” you stated simply as satoru’s jaw clenched at the mere sound of your voice. 

“hey.” the word left him flat, almost cold.

it sounded all wrong, causing your jaw to clench gently. 

what the fuck was his issue?

“we’re playing seven minutes in heaven!” a girl announced, slurring her words as your eyes flatly met hers, “come play so we’re equal!”

your mouth opened to protest-

“she doesn’t wanna play.” satoru stated lowly, bringing his beer to his lips as his gaze avoided yours and your fists clenched. 

fuck him!

without a word, you moved towards the circle, taking a seat directly beside satoru. 

his eyes followed you, almost surprised before his eyes flared in irritation. 

“you look like a mess.” you stated lowly, referring to the distant bloodshot look in his eyes. 

“you look like a construction site.” 

a few people within the circle barked out a laugh as your jaw clenched, satoru’s lips twitching. 

“okay, let’s play.” the girl announced as you looked forward, meeting nanami’s eyes as he shot you a gentle smile that you returned lowly. 

“why are you here?” satoru whispered beside you as you turned to shoot him a glare, irritation bubbling beneath your ribs at his indifference.

two people drunkenly stumbled into the closet in the room, already pawing at each other’s clothes as the girl started the timer. seven minutes. 

“what kind of question is that?” you scoffed, face devoid of emotion as you faced forward once more, ignoring satoru’s gaze on the side of your face. 

“pretty simple one.” 

“it’s a party. people come to parties, y’know.” 

satoru chuckled but it lacked any real humor, “not you. trust me, i’d know that.” 

your eyes flickered over to him then, noting the bitterness lacing his words. 

“what is your problem?” 

finally, his gaze slid towards yours, blue eyes bloodshot and unfairly pretty. 

“don’t got one.” 

you scoffed once more, “yeah, clearly.” 

“careful, sweetheart, you almost sound like you care.” satoru smirked menacingly, voice dipped in bite you weren’t used to from satoru. 

your stomach twisted as realization overcame you, memories of leaving behind a half-asleep satoru plaguing your mind. 

around you, everyone was gossiping, predicting what the two were doing in the closet, unaware of the tension between you both. 

“you’re seriously upset about that?” your voice was back to being monotonous, guard high and eyes blank. satoru felt his stomach twist but his expression didn’t change. 

“upset?” 

“yes.” 

“didn’t know i was upset.” his tone matched yours and you had to fight to remain emotionless because god, you wanted to ring his neck. 

your jaw clenched, “you’re acting pretty upset.”

“and you’re acting like sleeping in my bed was a federal crime.” 

your eyes widened just a bit, “keep your voice down!” 

“why?”

“because!” 

satoru leaned closer, breath fanning over your cheek, “because what?” 

you hated him. you absolutely despised him. 

he always fucking did this, he poked and poked and poked until he found the one thing you didn’t want to talk about. 

your jaw clenched as the two began stumbling out of the closet, hair a mess and clothes askew. 

you looked forward, ignoring the man beside you and you could feel his gaze on the side of your face. 

“you left.” his voice left him quieter now, not as angry and somehow, that felt worse. 

you glanced at him, watching his jaw clench and nostrils flare as he met your gaze, “you always leave, that’s what you do.” 

you looked away again and immediately regretted it as a soft laugh left him, bitter and real. 

“right…” 

your hands turned to fists by your sides, hating that he basically made you prove his point. 

damn him. your stomach clenched because you hadn’t expected his words. 

for a second, he looked tired and something beneath your ribs twisted. 

you really shouldn’t have come, this was just making everything inside you, whatever this sickness was, feel even worse. 

“alright!” the girl running the game clapped loudly, saving you from whatever this conversation would’ve become, “next spin!” 

the bottle spun and everyone starting making suspenseful ooohs and ahhhs. 

you watched it lazily, mind far away as your mind remained occupied on satoru's words.

the bottle spun slower and slower until it stopped, pointing directly at the man beside you. 

the room erupted instantly. 

“GOJO! LET’S GOOO!”

satoru rolled his eyes, smirking lowly as if feeding his fans and you could see the fakeness from where you were. it was pathetic. 

“spin again!” the girl grinned, sitting up wider and you could practically see her entire soul wishing the bottle would stop on her and frankly, you hoped it did. 

so you could fucking leave while he was in the damn closet and forget you’d ever even came. 

satoru’s hand wrapped around the bottle, giving it a hard spin and you watched it rotate. 

once, twice, three times before it gradually slowed…

and your stomach dropped. because the bottle wasn’t stopping, it was landing directly on you. 

everyone cheered, the girls evidently disappointed as you stared at the bottle, then at satoru. 

satoru was already looking at you and for the first time that night, he smiled. a real, him smile. 

slow, dangerous and boyish.

“would ya look at that…” his eyes locked onto yours, “almost like fate, don’t ya think?” 

yes, you really could ring his neck.

☀︎

the second the door shut behind you, the cheering outside became muffled. 

like the rest of the party had been shoved underwater as you entered the dark and cramped closet. the place was small, way too fucking small to fit two people, let alone satoru’s 6’5 ass. 

satoru had been in this very closet a hundred times before with a hundred different girls, different intentions, different conversations or lack-thereof. 

he’d never once felt nervous. yet somehow, standing two feet away from you had his heart betray his decision to distance himself.

“ugh, i can barely breathe…” you complained, crossing your arms as the little light allowed him to only imagine the look of annoyance on your achingly pretty face. 

fuck, when he saw you in that stupid caution tape sorry excuse of a dress, he regretted his decision to go with christmas bows on his cock. 

he was achingly hard for you, not even just physically but mentally. 

he had a heart boner for you too, he concluded. because the mere sight of you made a sense of relief so deeprooted fill him in an instant. 

satoru rolled his eyes at your words, despite the beating of his heart hammering against his chest, “the lack of space is supposed to serve a purpose, sweetheart-”

“stop calling me that!” you huffed out, squirming against him as satoru scoffed. 

“sweetheart?”

“yes! it’s cheesy and stupid and you never call me that, so quit it.” the words left you dripping in annoyance and he relished in pulling that reaction from you. 

any reaction from you was better than your indifference, even if it was severe irritation. 

“you call me gojo and i don’t like it-”

“that’s your name!”

“not to you,” satoru breathed out before realizing how his words sound, “i mean, people i don’t like call me gojo, ones i’m not close to…so, you shouldn’t call me that…”

he was met with silence and he sighed, able to picture you as you practically crawled back into your shell. 

he shook his head as his knees cramped, “fuck, can you just-”

before you knew it, satoru was sinking to the ground with you in his grip, pulling you to sit on his lip, straddling him and though you were caught by surprise, relief filled you instantly at the comfortable position. 

satoru let out a sigh of exasperation as his legs stretched out a bit, head tilting back against the wall. 

you relaxed in his hold, “don’t be so thrilled.” 

satoru barked out a laugh, “rich coming from you.”

your eyes narrowed, “meaning?” 

“meaning you look like somebody’s holding you hostage.”

“you can’t even see me!”

“i can feel it!” 

“well, sorry i didn’t even wanna play.” 

satoru tilted his head as his chest clenched in anticipation, “then why did you?”

your jaw clenched and he could feel you stiffen up in his lap, "because they asked.” 

satoru scoffed once as you squirmed against him, “bullshit.” 

“excuse me?” you shifted again and his jaw clenched, big hands spanning your hips before pulling you down, keeping you there. and you understood his issue, conceding. 

the lack of clothes made it hard to miss. 

“i said bullshit.” satoru repeated, his grip tightening as he shook his head, “you hate people.”

you scoffed gently, “i do not hate people.”

“you hate most people.” 

you rolled your eyes once, “what’s your point?” 

sartoru’s jaw clenched as he debated getting into this. there was a chance, a huge one, that this would just make you want to run even more. 

he may never see you again after today but he would risk it even if the thought made him want to vomit because frankly, he couldn’t take the heartache anymore. 

“why’d you come?” satoru demanded more than asked as your expression flattened, he could fucking feel it. there it was, that goddamn wall that he despised more than anything. 

“i already told you.” you replied as he shook his head. 

“i wanna hear it.” 

“it’s a party. people come to parties.”

“and i already told you, you don’t. name fucking three parties you’ve attended voluntarily.” 

the light from the little sliver of space offered him a look at your irritated expression, you looked annoyed enough to bite him and satoru found himself smiling in victory. 

“you’re insufferable.” you whispered as he grinned. 

“you came anyway.” 

there was this silent understanding, a low hum of truth that filtered between you both, something you’d usually never allow to linger. 

you came for him. and he knew that. and you allowed him to know that. 

that was more than you’ve ever given him before and for now, it was enough. 

silence filled the space momentarily before your voice penetrated it, uncharacteristically soft and low, “you’ve stopped talking to me.” 

the words left you so quietly, he almost missed them but his entire being was so attuned to you that he simply couldn’t miss anything when it came to you.

he blinked once, twice and watched as your face twisted in subtle embarrassment, regret filling you at the vulnerability he could see. as if it escaped you accidentally. 

and his heart nearly punched through his ribs because holy shit, you noticed. not only that, but you cared.

satoru laughed, actually laughed and you felt your face twist in irritation, “what is so funny, asshole?”

satoru’s hand moved to splay across your lower back, pulling you just a bit closer, “you leave every single time we hang out-”

“we don’t hang out, satoru, we have sex!” 

satoru. satoru. satoru. 

you called him satoru and not fucking gojo. 

his chest twisted as if your hand reached through his sternum and petted at his heart that was so entirely gone for you, he was sick. 

“you know what’s crazy?” 

you rolled your eyes, “here we go.” 

“you slept on me!” satoru stated lowly, “you slept on me.”

“don’t remind me.” your arms crossed once more, jaw clenching as satoru scoffed as if he wasn’t even hearing you. 

“you fully drooled on me…”

your face warmed, eyes widening, “i did not!”  

“you literally did!” satoru exclaimed with bright eyes, the anger diminishing just enough for you to recognize him once more. 

you looked genuinely horrified and satoru laughed so hard, he nearly doubled over. 

god, he missed you, he missed this which was honestly pathetic. 

“you’re such an asshole.”

“and you’re a runner.” satoru claimed with a shake of his head, the words slipping out before he could think about them.

your expression changed then, the space between you growing tense once again. 

fuck, he shouldn’t have said that. 

you felt raw, as if someone had stripped you naked, looked for your oldest scar and carved into it again. 

he could tell you were hurt and he was drunk and hurt. and you were right there, close enough to touch, to kiss, to want. 

“i didn’t mean-” 

“it’s fine.” the words left you sharp and it cut through the air as he sighed, hands moving from your hips to his face, digging into it with a shake of his head. 

“no, no it’s not,” he looked at you then, “i’m just drunk and high and stupid…”

you remained quiet, fingers fiddling with the caution tape fraying by your side, jaw clenched and walls up so high, he could barely tell what you were thinking but god, could he feel it. 

then satoru panicked. 

“you give me boners!”

your eyes widened just a bit, startled as you looked up at him, ever the most straightforward man of all time, apparently.

“excuse me?” you breathed out as satoru groaned, mind too jumbled to think properly and honestly, he preferred it this way. 

“you…you give me boners.” satoru stated lowly, slurring just the slightest bit as the last three shots he took back to back twenty minutes ago hit him all at once. 

you sighed gently, “isn’t that the point of our dynamic, satoru?”

satoru groaned as he realized his words didn’t quite mean what he intended for them to mean. 

“no, i mean…” he breathed out slowly, “you give me all kinds of boners like…like in my heart and stuff.”

your brows furrowed in confusion, “i give you…heart boners?”

satoru nodded frantically, hands gripping your hips again, pulling you even closer till you were flush against him, caution tape against his muscled front, “yes! yeah, you…you give me heart boners all the time, even when you're not even there.” 

you were too focused on his body against yours, more specifically, the christmas bow snug against your panties, “you sure, satoru? cuz i can only feel one type of boner right now.”

satoru huffed in irritation as his confession flew right over your head. 

seven minutes suddenly felt way too short and way too long. 

just as his mouth opened to speak, light spilled into the closet and both your eyes squinted up at nanami who stood before you, face all too unimpressed at your compromising position. 

“its been longer than seven minutes. we’ve been calling out for you for a while.” nanami stated lowly before turning to walk away and you were quick to jump up from satoru’s lap, stumbling out of the closet as you looked at satoru in what had to be the most uncomfortable position on the ground. 

satoru groaned lowly before stumbling into a standing position, hand cupping the christmas bow at the front, “think game’s over for me.”

you gulped lowly, ignoring everyone’s cheers before stepping back, “yeah, me too.” 

you offered satoru one last look before walking past the circle and out of the room, towards the drinks. fuck, you really needed a drink. 

☀︎

the party had somehow gotten louder or maybe you were simply reaching your limit. 

either way, the music felt harsher now, the room hotter, bodies moving together in a blur of alcohol and flashing lights. 

you had been trying to find luna while simultaneously avoiding satoru for the past hour. 

fuck, you just wanted to go home but you couldn’t leave luna and she wasn’t answering her damn phone.

the closet had done absolutely nothing to improve your mood, instead, it made your regrets about coming to this stupid party even worse. 

satoru’s words followed you through every room you entered as you tried to locate your purple haired friend. 

you’re a runner. 

the worst part about it all is that everything he had said was right. and you fucking hated that he even noticed, that he cared enough to notice in the first place. 

a frustrated sigh left you as you looked down at your dying phone, luna’s contact staring back at you, all your calls and texts left unanswered.

the house seemed less crowded now, people dispersing into bedrooms, hallways and the pool as the night stretched later and you had to dodge every guy that came to hit on you. yuck. 

you barely registered the conversations happening around you until a familiar voice cut through the noise.

“he’s a fuckin’ mess.” 

your head turned automatically, suguru standing near the staircase, rubbing the back of his neck while nanami looked vaguely exhausted beside him. 

“where is he?” nanami questioned, bringing his cup up to his lips to take a sip. 

suguru pointed toward the living room, “he decided he could outdrink sukuna.” 

nanami immediately looked disappointed, “oof. stupid.” 

despite yourself, your eyes drifted towards the living room and they instantly found him. of course they did. 

satoru was slumped sideways across the couch, one arm hanging off the edge, snowy hair a complete mess. 

he looked absolutely gone. 

your stomach tightened as you glanced between him and luna’s contact. 

“he’s fine…” you muttered to yourself as you shook your head. 

“he’s absolutely not fine.” suguru stated from beside you as you turned to look at him, the slightest bit startled as you didn't realize how close they were before you noticed the knowing look on his face, instantly irritating you. 

“he drinks all the time.” you retorted lowly, eyes giving nothing away as suguru scoffed out a chuckle. 

“not like this, he only does this shit when he’s upset.”

something in suguru’s voice made your attention sharpen as you stiffened, “why would he be upset?” 

suguru merely stared as nanami cleared his throat from beside him, “probably something to do with those seven minutes.” 

your jaw clenched before letting out a breath, “right.”

before you knew it, choso had called out for the two men beside you, something about a sophomore puking in the pool.  

you hated how you felt half responsible for satoru’s current state. 

a low sigh left you as you glanced at the living room once more, however this time, a girl was leaning over him. 

your brows furrowed, moving closer to see the girl with inky hair in a bob clad in a tiny skirt far too close to him, one hand resting against his chest. 

she was talking into his ear while he sat there, looking dazed and half-asleep. 

your gut churned once more. god, you were really getting sick of that feeling. 

the girl laughed at something satoru mumbled, her hand moving into his hair and something ugly flared beneath your ribs. 

you hated how much the sight was making you sick, how vulnerable satoru looked and you hated that your feet were already moving before your brain could catch up. 

the walk across the room felt entirely too long and every step gave you another opportunity to turn around. you didn’t. 

by the time you reached the couch, the girl was in his lap, kissing down his damp neck. 

your jaw clenched, “hey.” 

the word left you sharp, cutting through whatever intimacy she was imagining was occurring between them. 

the girl turned and you recognized her as a girl in luna’s class, the girl your friend absolutely despised, which in turn made you despise her. emi. 

you could see satoru’s eyes blink open just the slightest bit, your voice like a siren bringing him to life. fuck, he craved to hear you, to feel you always. 

his entire face softened, a lopsided smile painting his face like sunlight breaking through clouds. 

“hey, trouble..” 

the word sleft him slurred and your heart betrayed you instantly. 

emi, however, looked significantly less pleased, her long nails tracing over satoru’s jaw as he flinched lowly. 

“can i help you?” 

you barely spared her a glance, taking one more step closer, “satoru?” 

his eyes remained fixed on you, completely and entirely like everyone else had ceased to exist. 

“yeah, baby?” 

you allowed the nickname to slide off your back, knowing he was too out of it to be aware of his actions or words. clearly. 

“c’mon, let’s go.” 

emi instantly frowned, turning to look at satoru who looked up at you as if you promised him the moon, stars and everything in between. 

“go where?” 

“upstairs.”

a slow grin stretched across his face, the absolute stupidest but prettiest grin you’d ever seen, “okay.” 

he stood immediately, stumbling just the slightest bit as emi yelped, tumbling off his lap to the ground. 

you caught his arm before he could faceplant into the coffee table, “for fuck’s sake.”

satoru was now pressed aginst you, clammy hands cupping your cheeks to force you to look up at him, “hi...”

your eyes narrowed at his wide and hazy grin, “you already said hi.”

satoru merely grinned, leaning down so his nose brushed against yours, once, twice before you sighed and pushed him just a bit back. 

“let’s go, satoru…” you held his hand, turning to pull him away before you felt a tug on your other arm causing you to turn around. 

emi stood before you, visibly fuming as she glared at you, “what the fuck are you doing?! we were in the middle of something!” 

you glanced down at where she’s touched you with a look of pure disgust before looking back up at her, “that’s not how it looked to me.” 

emi’s fists clenched, “you don’t own him, you bitch!” 

your tongue pressed against your cheek before smirking at her, leaning back to look up at satoru who was already gazing down at you with a lopsided smile, “who owns you, satoru?” 

“you do, trouble.” his response was immediate, instantaneous and you had to ignore the rush going through you to shoot her a glare. 

emi faltered, tears filling her eyes as she glared at you both. 

you tugged at satoru’s hand, making a move towards the staircase before turning to her once more, “and don’t put your hands on people who can barely stand, you sick freak.” 

you shot her one more glare before guiding satoru away, helping him towards his room as he followed with no argument, his hand somehow finding the back of your ‘dress’ and remained there as you climbed up the stairs. 

as if he was afraid you’d disappear. 

the walk to his room took forever, mostly because satoru kept getting distracted by paintings, doors, absolutely nothing. 

at one point, he stopped in the hallway entirely as you sighed, turning to look up at him, “what is it now, satoru?” 

his blue eyes blinked down at you, “you’re so pretty, it makes me nauseous sometimes.” 

a sigh left your plush lips as you tugged at his hand once more, “mhmm.” 

you forced his steps, one after the other before you made it to his room, guuiding him inside. 

you expected him to collapse instantly, however, he sat on the edge of the bed and simply looked at you, eyes all droopy and bloodshot. 

the room felt strangely quiet compared to the chaos downstairs, the silence stretched and his gaze never moved away from you. 

it made something uncomfortable settle beneath your ribs as you shifted, “what?” 

satoru smiled, small and sleepy and dangerously genuine, “i like that you showed up.” 

your breath caught and his eyes were already drifting shut, half-asleep and entirely unaware of what he was saying, “i always know when you’re about to leave.” 

the confession landed softly, somewhere right in your chest. 

“you do this thing,” his hand moved vaguely, “with your phone…”

you froze because you did, absolutely. you always checked the time before getting up from his bed. every single time. 

“i know when you’re annoyed too…” his voice was quieter now, the fight gone as well as the frustration until only honesty remained, “you scrunch your nose all cute like…” 

you hated that you knew exactly what he meant, your hands clenching beside you.

“and you pretend you don’t care about stuff…people…but you do.” 

the room suddenly felt too small, too warm and too fucking claustrophobic. 

you let out a short breath, “okay, time to go to bed, satoru.”

you moved forward, helping take off his shoes before ushering him forward till he was beneath his blankets, head heavy against the pillow. 

you couldn’t help but move your fingers into his white locks, brushing it away from his sweaty face before sighing gently and moving back. 

“stay.” 

the word left him soft and simple, nothing dramatic or grand about it. 

it was simply one exhausted request. 

and it caused every instinct you’ve ever had to scream at you to run. 

you’re a runner. 

your eyes drifted toward the boy, hair messy and eyes heavy, heart somehow worn openly across his sleeve in a way that was braver than you ever could be. 

and for the first time since you met satoru gojo, you stayed.

☀︎

an | this is deffo my fav chapter so far i love them so bad AHHHHHH

for years, you’d spent your time doing little things without thinking, the purest intentions nudged forward by the sheer hope that your soulmate wasn’t all bad. gone were the mornings you’d spend stretching, the coloring books you’d purchased to calm him sat untouched on your desk in the study room and you didn’t spend nights hugging yourself to sleep. 

it wasn’t even out of spite, at least not entirely. you simply couldn’t bear the thought of taking care of someone who had looked you in the eye and told you that there was no us. 

after everything you had done for him. 

there is no us. 

his voice echoed while brushing your teeth, while making coffee and when you sat your pharmacology exam. 

there is no us. 

the cruelest part was that your body still betrayed you. 

every friday night, anxiety settled beneath your ribs before sunset. 

every saturday morning, you woke with bruises blooming beneath your skin that didn’t belong to you. 

your soulmate still existed. he still fought and bled and despite everything, some pathetic part of you remained attentive to it, just enough to make sure he was alive. 

you hated yourself for that most of all because hope was a difficult thing to kill, especially after you spent years nurturing that very hope. 

but you could feel the hope within you die slowly, one disappointment at a time. 

“she’s doing it again.” 

you blinked slowly as shoko’s voice drifted into focus from somewhere across your apartment. 

“hmm?” you hummed as you looked up at the girls who were standing before you in your living room, arms crossed. 

“you’ve been staring at nothing for the past ten minutes…” utahime chimed in lowly, “kinda like you have been the last few weeks. ever since that night.”

neither of them asked what happened that night anymore, not because they weren’t curious. after you had remained silent the first ten times they asked, they decided that you would tell them on your own time. 

but they had seen enough. they knew ryomen sukuna was something to you and utahime had very quickly concluded that the underground fighter was your soulmate. 

they found you at home with swollen eyes and mascara halfway down your cheeks and they knew something inside you had gone frighteningly quiet since. 

“i was thinking we’d go shopping today?” shoko questioned, eyes wide and hopeful, a grin stretching her cheeks as she rocked back and forth on her feet. 

you had barely left the apartment as of late and your friends were growing extremely concerned, especially at the lack of shopping bags lining your door, as they did every spring sale. 

you smiled gently, eyes drowned in grief, “maybe another day, m’feeling tired.” 

the girls both shared a look, exchanging glances that spoke volumes, pupils lined with worry and apprehension alike. 

you weren’t tired, you were grieving. 

you weren’t even grieving a relationship or a man, you were grieving every version of your future you’d quietly built over seven years. the one where fate had known what it was doing, the one where your soulmate looked at you the way the men in your favorite romcoms do. 

you had hoped those years of turmoil and sleepless nights meant something, that it would lead to something that would make it all worth it. 

truly, the only thing you could think of to describe what you were going through was bella swan in new moon. that one scene that practically shaped your childhood in which she was grieving edward through the seasons, the depression pulling her deeper with each month that passed.

except, you didn’t have edward cullen who’d devoted himself to bella. 

instead, fate had given you ryomen sukuna. 

a man who had spent years implicitly convincing you he was impossible to love only for you to discover he’d been right. 

∞

ryomen sukuna knew anger better than anyone. 

he knew the way the emotion would sneak up on him, the way it grasped at his lungs until he shook with it and most of all, he knew how to use it. 

that was one of the first things toji ever learned about him. 

when he was sixteen, the anger made him reckless and at twenty-three, that same anger made him dangerous. 

except, toji didn’r recognize this. 

this wasn’t anger, it was something much worse, almost like self-loathing. 

the heavy bag lurched violently beneath another punch, then another and another. over and over again. as if sukuna was aiming to hurt himself.

“sukuna.” 

sukuna ignored the man, his fist colliding with the bag hard enough that something inside his hand shifted unpleasantly. 

it didn't matter, though. nothing did. so he punched it again. 

“you’re gonna break your fuckin’ hand, kid.” 

sukuna stopped then, chest heaving as he catched his breath. sweat trailed down his chest, shimmering against his tattooed skin till it caught on the fabric of his waistband. 

the gym was quiet, not unusual for a tuesday afternoon. most fighters didn’t bother training until evening, leaving only the rhythmic squeak of trainers against worn canvas and the dull thud of sukuna’s fists against the bag echoing through the room. 

usually, sukuna liked the silence but lately, he despised it. 

the silence only made her louder. 

he still felt her, fucking everywhere, every goddamn day. 

except she had changed, fundamentally so. before meeting her, the bond had been easy to ignore, to push aside and dismiss as a hindrance more than anything else. 

his soulmate was merely an idea, a voice without a face and warmth without eyes. 

now? now she was this pretty fiery thing with a pair of doe eyes that he saw everytime he closed his own. fuck, she was the prettiest goddamn thing he’d ever seen and he wished fate wasn’t so cruel to give him a dream when he was a fucking nightmare.

he couldn’t escape her anymore. 

“enough.” toji’s voice cut cleanly through the gym as sukuna began punching once more at the mere memory of her devastating features. 

toji walked over, caught the heavy bag with one hand and held it perfectly still, muscles straining against his compression shirt. 

sukuna glared at the motion, “move.” 

“fuck off, ya little shit,” toji scoffed, moving to shove sukuna back and away from the bag and he could see the pink-haired fighter’s nostrils flare in irritation, “get yourself together, you have a fight today, you don’t wear yourself out.” 

sukuna merely breathed heavily, eyes deep and almost wounded, cheeks flushed with exertion as toji glared right back. 

“you look a fuckin’ mess.” toji muttered with a scoff, taking a hold of the cigarette that rested behind his ear, lighting it quickly before resting it against his pink lips, “your girl?”

sukuna’s jaw clenched at his words as he bit at the velcro strap on his right glove, allowing it to tumble onto the ground before ripping the other one off. 

only then did he collapse on the floor of the ring, chest heaving as the adrenaline began washing away, quickly replaced with utter detestation. 

not for her, not even for toji but for him. he fucking despised himself. 

his eyes were trained on the stained ceilings as the words left him, “she fuckin’ hates me.”  

toji remained silent for a moment, taking a drag of his smoke before shrugging, “did you expect any less? you made her life fuckin’ miserable.” 

sukuna ddin’t even feel the anger coursing through him at his words because there was none. he was right. toji was completely correct. 

she had every fucking right to hate him, hell, isn’t that what he wanted anyways? 

he just didn’t expect it to be such a hard pill to swallow, his soulmate hating him. 

“that why you’ve been distracted?”

toji’s question made sukuna scoff instantly, eyes shifting to glance at the black haired man. 

“distracted?” sukuna scoffed, “i won every fuckin’ fight like i always fuckin’ do.”

toji scoffed, taking another drag, “you’ve taken more hits this month than you have the last two years.” 

sukuna’s jaw clenched because toji was right. 

“you missed asahi’s left hook last week.” toji continued, voice monotonous and emotionless to anyone that didn’t know him. 

but sukuna recognized the edge in his voice and it irked him, “it was a good move-”

toji scoffed instantly, “it was predictable as fuck and you know it. that’s a hit you could dodge with your fuckin’ eyes shut, don’t play with me, asshole.” 

toji scoffed, shaking his head as he turned away, walking towards the ropes. 

sukuna’s eyes remained on the ceiling, chest clenching in a way he wasn’t used to, a weight that was new or one he’d never noticed before. 

and he wasn’t sure why his mouth opened to toji of all people but he did. 

“she stopped calmin’ me down.” 

toji paused before turning to gaze down at the man whose crimson gaze remained fixed on the crack in the ceiling that toji vowed to fix years ago. 

“the nightmares are bad again…and i’m so damn angry all the fuckin’ time…” sukuna’s mouth spoke before he could stop it, “i knew she was takin’ care of me, i just didn’t think-”

he paused then, jaw clenching and nostrils flaring as toji allowed a small sigh to leave his lips. 

sympathy wrapped around him at the sight of the young man grieving something he never even wanted. a part of him knew it was sukuna’s fault and sukuna’s fault alone. 

the other part of him, the part that had taken the angry sixteen year old under his wing, knew that sukuna didn’t know better. he wasn’t taught better. 

all he knew was pain and violence so what would calloused hands do with something so soft and fragile like a soulmate? he was bound to break it. 

toji knew this was something sukuna had to do alone, it was growth that he would be forced to go through because toji knew how helpless one could be without their soulmate. and now that the two had met, there was no going back for sukuna and he would soon learn that for himself. 

“if you can’t go a day without thinkin’ of her, maybe you’re not meant to be apart…” toji stated lowly in a rare show of wisdom before bringing the smoke to his lips, “tonight, you’re goin’ against gojo again. you know how he is with his elbow, i expect you to fuckin’ see it comin’ this time.” 

with that, toji turned and jumped down from the ropes towards his back office, leaving sukuna to mull over the older man’s words. 

not meant to be apart? 

well, sure, they were soulmates, they were meant to be inseparable. but fate had made a mistake with him by tying an angel to him. 

what the fuck did she do to deserve him? 

after their meeting, he couldn’t even stomach the sight of another girl. 

the others didn’t have her eyes, the mole by her collarbone, the plushness of her pretty lips. 

they were all kinds of wrong. 

she used to stretch every morning. he remembered because his own muscles always felt strangely light even after a brutal session. 

his nightmares also became less frequent around the same time she’d started university. 

reading, coloring, coffee, music, warm blankets. 

she was all those little things, thousands of miniscule details that he’d never asked for but needed more than anything. 

they were things she’d never stopped doing, warmth she never stopped carrying…until now. 

slowly, sukuna flexed his aching fingers with a low grimace. everything fucking hurt. 

not because he trained harder but because she’d finally let him carry the weight alone. 

just like he’d asked her to. 

∞

shoko had started letting herself into your apartment way more often.

not because she lacked manners but because you had stopped regularly answering your phone.

she simply had no choice and your spare key that was usually left in the vase by the door was now in her possession. 

you heard the front door open somewhere beyond your bedroom, followed by familiar footsteps echoing softly against the marble floors. 

“morning, anikan!” shoko’s voice softly greeted the fluffy brown cat guarding your door like a doberman. a sleepy meow followedbefore your bedroom door practically slammed against your wall. 

“absolutely not.” 

you cracked one eye open. 

shoko stood in your doorway, already dressed for her literature lecture in an oversized brown leather jacket and jean shorts. 

she narrowed her eyes at your body burrowed beneath egyptian cotton, wide eyes peaking from beneath the duvet before glancing at the blackout curtains. 

“dude, it is eleven thirty.” shoko stated, arms crossing as she walked further into your room, socked feet padding against the carpeted floors before stopping at the edge of your bed, “didn’t you have a lecture at nine? you’ve missed a million fucking lectures!” 

“i’m caught up.” you groaned into your pillow, pulling your pink throw blanket against your chest, as if it would shield you from her judgmental gaze. 

“you watch recordings in bed.” 

you shrugged, “yeah, they’re fucking recorded for a reason.” 

shoko stared at you for a long beat before her eyes shut, letting out a sigh as if she was mustering up all the patience known to man, “i never thought i’d say this, but i miss your neurotic self when your priority was your damn routine.” 

you felt your heart clench gently. you knew she meant well but her words had stung because no one missed yourself more than you. 

you missed your discipline, your inability to stay at home all day, your daily walks and the way you looked forward to writing your stupid notes. 

dread filled you at the mere thought of leaving the comfort of your penthouse. 

you swallowed the lump in your throat, “sorry to disappoint, sho.” 

shoko instantly sighed, moving forward to sit at the edge of your bed, hand resting against your waist above the blankets, “what happened? what happened to you? where’d you go?” 

the gentleness in her voice almost made you cry, eyes blurring with tears as a lump grew in your throat once more. 

you attempted to blink them away but all that did was make it trickle down your hollowed out cheeks, “i don’t feel like myself anymore.” 

silence filled the room for a moment as you closed your eyes and buried your face into the blanket. 

then shoko’s hand moved up your back between your shoulder blades before moving back down in comforting and warm caresses. 

“you don’t have to feel like yourself today,” shoko stated quietly, “you can just pretend, yeah? eventually she’ll come back. come to class with me then we’ll get matcha from that place downtown that you love.” 

you felt the knot in your chest loosen just a bit before you peaked up at her from beneath the duvet, red rimmed eyes and all, “the one in chinatown?” 

shoko grinned gently, fingers pushing back the strand of hair on your forehead to behind your ear, “yup. they have a new strawberry one for spring.” 

shoko’s chest tightened at the way your eyes lit up just the slightest bit, finally shifting the blankes to below your chin, “i know that you’re bribing me but that sounds super good.” 

shoko smiled softly, “mhm. they even have this pink cold foam.” 

you groaned, “okay, i’m up. give me twenty.” 

∞

fourty minutes later, you found yourself walking across campus with your hands crossed against your chest, adorned in a mini slip skirt and a quarter sleeve shirt, feet adorned in a pair of designer flipflops. your face was bare, dark circles beneath your eyes that were hidden behind expensive dark sunglasses, your tote against your side. 

the humanities building sat on the opposite side of the university from the science building and you’d never really had  a reason to come here besides occasionally dropping shoko or hime off. 

it was definitely an older building, tall stained glass windows caught the late morning sun, spilling ribbons of amber across worn wooden floors. shelves upon shelves lined the corridor, overflowing with books and students sat scattered across window seats with books in hand, reading quietly. 

you frowned slightly, “this building is so pretty, why is the science one so boring?”

shoko looked entirely too pleased as she smiled, “i told you, it looks like hogwarts.” 

by the time you reached the lecture theatre, most seats had already filled up. 

“i’ve never seen a lecture so full.” you stated as shoko sat at the very front row, pulling out her ipad as you sat beside her. 

“oh, you’ll know why soon.” she giggled softly, turning her ipad on as you furrowed your brows at her ominous words. 

just as your mouth parted to question her further a man stepped through the doorway carrying a leather satchel and a ceramic coffee cup. 

your eyes followed the man, tall and broad-shouldered, impeccably dressed in a charcoal suit. his blonde hair was neatly styled, reading glasses resting low against the bridge of his nose as he set his coffee carefully on the desk.

he was both extremely attractive and young for a literature professor. 

“ugh, he’s so yummy.” shoko shook her head, eyes fixated on the man as her apple pen rested between her teeth.

your eyes furrowed, “does percy know you drool over your literature professor.” 

shoko turned to you with a small grin, “mhmm. he joins me sometimes.” 

you scoffed with a small giggle as she shook her head once more. 

“he’s gorgeous…” shoko sighed dreamily, “professor kento nanami, what a fucking man.” 

your eyes turned to him once more, heart stilling when you noticed his gaze already fixated on you. was he mad that you were here when you weren’t in his class? 

then he offered a small smile, one that washed away your worries, replacing it with relief. you met his eyes as you offered a polite one of your own. 

then you felt it, the subtle creeping of anger, hot and wild, beneath your ribs. fuck, this really wasn’t the time. 

your eyes shut momentarily, willing yourself-him-to calm down, simply for your own peace and not his. your thumb momentarily brushed against your knuckles, soft but achingly warm. 

professor nanami began speaking then, greeting the class before offering a short briefing about the learning objectives for the lecture.

your eyes were still closed, feeling the anger ever so slowly wash away. 

“devils dick?” shoko whispered gently as you merely nodded once, eyes opening once more when the overwhelming sensation dissolved into nothing more than indifference. 

“m’fine.” you stated once before shoko merely nodded, sensing your reluctance to speak about it before you both looked back at professor nanami. 

he was speaking about symbolism in nineteenth century literature with a calm intellect that somehow made an entire lecture room lean forward to grasp onto every word. 

you knew part of it was his achingly handsome features, but his teaching was truly interesting. 

“you know he’s a non-existent?” shoko mentioned as your brows furrowed just a bit. 

he had no soulmate? it was a bit poetic. the man who read and taught love sonnets and poems would never know the feeling of being tied to one person. of fate choosing someone that was supposed to make you whole, to fit the pieces of you that you didn’t know were missing. 

“lucky bastard.” you huffed out, leaning back and crossing your arms as shoko snorted gently. 

you believed non-existents were the lucky ones, not the ones with soulmates. because non-existents had the privilege of choice, the ability to love someone intentionally.

that was far more romantic, in your opinion. they weren’t stripped of the choice and forced into obligation. they were free. 

six weeks ago, you would’ve pitied him and now, you envied him. 

no phantom bruises, no sleepless nights, no wondering whether fate had ruined your life before you’d even lived it. 

a type of peace you’d forever grieve. 

you looked back towards the front of the room and for the first time in weeks, you wondered what that might feel like. 

at that exact moment, professor nanami looked up, hazel eyes meeting yours for a moment, faltering gently before moving on. 

he was all professional and brief, but something about his expression lingered and you weren’t sure if you liked it.

the hour lecture had passed relatively quickly, possibly because it was actually interesting. 

It was nice. not life-changing but interesting enough to pull you from the fog you’d been living in. 

the shopping district buzzed around you, people weaving between boutiques with paper bags swinging from their wrists while the sun beat down on the pavement. 

somehow, your little matcha outing had turned into a full shopping spree, courtesy of solely you. 

shoko held two shopping bags in each hand, huffing as you made your way out of another boutique, your own hands full of bags as well. 

“you did not need another pair of ballet flats!” shoko huffed out as you glanced at her through your dark sunglasses, smiling gently. 

“no, i didn’t,” you flipped your hair over your shoulder with a flick of your head, “i wanted it. plus, it was on sale so it was practically free!”

shoko groaned as you began walking down the pavement once more, your eyes already searching for the next place you would inflict damage upon your father’s black card in your bag, “it was still like five hundred bucks!” 

you merely shrugged with a giggle at her glare. 

for the first time in weeks, the conversation felt easy. not effortless but easier. you were making a very active effort not to think about the reason why your wrist was aching just a bit. 

as you both rounded another corner, the familiar green logo across the street caught your eye and you slowed instinctively, “i want a pau chocolate.” 

shoko stopped in her tracks, looking up at the bakery before nodding frantically, “yes, please! i need fucking fuel, my feet hurt!” 

you rolled your eyes before making your way into the trendy little bakery, daniel caesar playing softly from the speakers as shoko immediately took a seat, shopping bags at her feet. 

you laughed gently as she huffed before her screen lit up with an incoming call and you knew who it was from the small smile painting her lips when she caught sight of the name. 

“it’s perc. i should take this.” 

you rolled your eyes affectionately, “gross.” 

shoko grinned, “whatever. i only spoke to him twice today, couldn’t even say goodbye to him this morning.” 

you made a face, “please get a hobby.” 

“my hobby is my soulmate.” 

the words landed heavier than either of you expected, your face dropping just a bit as shoko’s smile faltered almost immediately, “s-sorry-”

you instantly forced a grin, scoffing out a laugh that was equally as forced, “ew, don’t apologize, you’re good. i’m gonna grab our pastries, you take the call.” 

shoko instantly shot you a smile before accepting the call as you moved to stand in line, faintly listening to the uncharacteristic softness in shoko’s voice. 

a familiar ache settled beneath your ribs, a bitterness you despised. not jealousy but longing. you wished you had what percy and shoko did. 

once, that would’ve been you. 

you shook your head softly before reading the menu on the wall despite knowing exactly what you wanted. 

“i wouldn’t suppose you’d have any recommendations for me, would you?” 

you turned instantly and your lips parted at the sight of professor nanami stood behind you in the queue, a neatly folded newspaper tucked beneath his arm. 

a newspaper? how old was this guy? 

it was a bit endearing, though. 

he looked oddly out of place outside campus, less professor and more…man. his tie had been loosened slightly, sleeves rolled neatly to reveal his veiny forearms. 

you smiled softly up at him, “unless you have a raging sweet tooth, i wouldn’t take my recommendation.” 

his lips twitched upward a bit, “hmm. i wouldn’t have guessed.” 

you merely tilted your head, wide eyes fluttering up at him with a gentle smile. 

“i don’t believe i’ve seen you in my lectures before,” he spoke once more, “you are not one of my students, right?” 

you shook your head, “no, i was just sitting in with a friend. i’m in pharmaceutics.” 

“i thought so,” he hummed thoughtfully, “i would have remembered y-”

he cut himself off, a flush of pink coating his cheeks as your breath hitched gently, heat crept into your cheeks despite yourself. 

“i-i didn’t mean-” he began as you shook your head, a small giggle leaving your lips. 

he seemed instantly relieved to hear your laugh, lips tilting up as his blush deepened and it was almost...cute. 

“you’re very-um-” nanami paused momentarily as your head tilted, eyes expectant as you waited for his next words, “you just-” 

your brows raised just a bit when he stopped himself once more, almost stumbling with his words, uncharacteristically unsure before sighing gently. 

“i never do this and please feel free to decline,” he began with soft eyes, almost hopeful, “but i know this great dessert place downtown, they make excellent pastries as well.”

there was a tiny pause, momentary before he continued, “would you want to…may i take you there?” 

your heartbeat stilled, not because of the fact that this was nanami but because it wasn’t sukuna. 

nanami’s eyes were gazing down at you, open and honest, so sweet, it made something in you squeeze at the thought of crushing that expectant look in his eyes. 

your lips parted before your eyes shifted to glance at shoko who was giggling into the phone with percy. 

soulmates. 

the word felt bitter now and your eyes drifted back toward nanami and his kind, patient eyes. 

the sort of man you stayed up hoping for when you were just a girl, the sort of man you hoped fate would tie you to. not a violent underground fighter or someone who broke your heart before he’d ever held it. 

maybe it didn’t have to be that way. maybe love wasn’t something you have to stumble into, maybe you could make a choice. 

maybe this was how broken hearted people moved on. 

or possibly…some wounded, childish part of you wanted sukuna to feel exactly what you felt for years. 

the very thought made you feel sick but it didn’t disappear. 

nanami waited patiently without rushing you. he didn’t attempt to fill the silence and didn’t try to assume your answer either. he almost waited for the mention of your soulmate, the rejection he was accustomed to and fully understood. 

“okay.” 

the word left you quieter and more hesitant than you’d intended. 

nanami’s eyes widened just a bit, “oh, uh, are you sure?”

you silently scolded yourself for the lack of certainty in your voice, immediately smiling reassuringly with a small nod, “yes. yes, i would love to.” 

nanami’s expression warmed, not triumphant, but almost relieved. 

“amazing…” he smiled warmly, “i can pick you up on friday?” 

you nodded with a gently grin, “friday. here, put your number in.” 

nanami grinned as you handed him your phone, cheeks flushed as he typed in his digits before handing you your phone once more, “i’m looking forward to it.” 

you blushed softly as you smiled a bit, “me too.” 

nanami nodded once, still adorning a soft grin as you both made small talk as he ordered and paid for your pastries which you thanked him for. 

soon, he excused himself politely, kissing your cheek softly before walking away, leaving you standing there with a strange mix of emotions. the most prevalent among them all was guilt. 

you were feeling guilty. 

you almost wanted to scoff and shake yourself to sense. you were doing nothing wrong. 

if your manwhore soulmate could sleep with other people, you could go on as many dates as you wished, even sleep with them if you wanted to. 

you quietly grabbed your tray and walked over to shoko, taking a seat on the table just as she closed the call. 

were you seriously going on a date? a date?

the mere thought sent you into a spiral that shoko’s voice instantly breached, “were you talking to professor nanami?” 

shoko’s brows were furrowed, both at the sight of you talking and the unsure expression on your face.

“mhm…he, um, he…asked me to go out with him on friday.” 

the revelation had shoko’s jaw dropping instantly, eyes searching your face for any sign of you messing around with her. 

“professor nanami….asked you out….on a date?” 

you merely nodded your head, grabbing the pastry on the plate and taking a bite of the buttery delicacy, a bite larger than you could handle as you chewed slowly, occupying your brain with chewing instead of spiraling. 

shoko’s eyes were still wide, jaw somewhat slack, “oh my god…” 

you simply shrugged despite the war taking place inside of you. 

half of you wanted to run after him and tell him you couldn’t go out with him, that despite the devastation of it all, you did have a soulmate and even though you, so badly, wanted revenge, you simply couldn’t stoop that low. 

the other part of you longed for the feeling of being wanted. sukuna had spent years making you feel impossible to love and nanami had known you all of sixty minutes and decided to take a chance. 

both parts of you were rooted in a sadness so deep, your stomach churned at the mere thought of moving on from your soulmate. and shoko could see it. 

“are you sure, babe?” shoko asked lowly, eyes furrowed as she leaned closer, “you just don’t seem like you’re in the right headspace for this…maybe wait-”

you shook your head once, “i won’t spend another second grieving someone i never had, someone that doesn’t even want me.” 

shoko’s eyes widened just a bit as you revealed more than you have the past few weeks. she wasn’t sure what happened at that party but she knew that ryomen sukuna had killed something in you that night, a light she so desperately wanted to see glint in your eye once more. 

so with that, she nodded instantly, “we’re gonna need another dress.” 

∞

the days blurred as they tended to lately. soon enough, friday had come and the dread swallowed you whole. 

shoko and hime had both attempted to distract you all week to make sure you wouldn’t overthink your decision, however, your thoughts could only show mercy for so long. 

every feeling of sukuna reminded you of him, of what you’d agreed to, of what you lost. 

by six thirty, you had completely regretted saying yes. 

“you changed your outfit four times.” utahime huffed out, arms folding over her chest as she sighed. 

“five.” shoko corrected from where she sat beside her, cross legged on your bed with ani on her lap, scrolling on her phone with much more patience than utahime. 

“i don’t know what to wear!” you sighed, looking around your walk-in closet with exasperation. 

utahime blinked, “since when?” 

“you always know what to wear.” shoko furrowed her brows as you huffed gently, leaving the closet to take a seat on your vanity, shoulders slumped as your eyes fixated on your fuzzy socks. 

“i’ve never been on a date before.” 

silence filled the room before you heard both girls shift. 

“this isn’t about the clothes.” utahime stated with certainty and your wide eyes glanced up at them. 

no, it wasn’t. of course it wasn’t. 

you turned to face the mirror, your hair already gathered up in rollers, still clad in your baby blue pyjamas. your eyes met through the mirror, bags under the delicate skin as your reflection stared quietly back. 

you could barely recognize yourself. 

you always thought yourself to be strong, the thought of crumbling over a man seemed absolutely absurd to you. yet here you were, already practically shattered because of someone who couldn’t care less whether you lived or died. 

horror filled you as your reflection grew blurry through the tears pooling in your tired eyes. 

“i just…” your voice shook, “i always thought-i didn’t think this is how it would end up.” 

the tears left you before you could control it, trailing down flushed cheeks and dull skin, something heavy thumping against your ribs so hard, you wanted to scream. 

utahime and shoko watched from their place in your bed, brows furrowed in sympathy as they watched you break at the prospect of living without your soulmate. 

you’d spent years fantasizing about what meeting your soulmate would feel like, despite the absolute nightmare he was. you thought of your first everything, but you were always particularly fond of the idea of a first date. 

the idea of getting dolled up and running late, of the doorbell ringing and your soulmate standing there with fresh pink peonies because he knew they were your favorite. you thought of how his eyes would widen in awe at the sight of you, who’d reach for whose hand first, who’d kiss who. 

ryomen sukuna had crushed more than your hope that day, he stomped on your dreams, on what you believed happiness to be. 

something inside of you shifted that night, something was lost and you didn’t know how to get it back. 

shoko stood and without saying anything, she crossed the room and gently wrapped her arms around your shoulders from behind, “hey. you don’t have to do this-” 

“yes, she does.” utahime stated bluntly despite her clenched jaw at the sight of your anguish. 

shoko narrowed her eyes at hime from the mirror, “shut up, hime!” 

utahime scoffed, walking into your closet and rummaging through your clothing, “she’s fucking going and she’s gonna have a blast.” she then stepped out with your favorite backless navy silk dress, “because if you don’t then you’re choosing someone who doesn’t choose you.” 

the room fell painfully quiet, her words landing right where your ribs ached. shoko tensed from behind you before standing up, her hands still on your shoulders as she glared at utahime. 

“are you ser-” shoko began but you were quick to cut her off, sniffling gently before gazing at your reflection once more. 

“you’re right,” you breathed out, wiping your cheeks before grabbing your primer, “kento is great, he’s super sweet…” both of the girls watched you expectantly so you turned to gaze up at them, “i just wish…” 

you didn’t let the words leave you and they didn’t need to hear it because they already knew. 

you wish it were him. 

∞

it was ten minutes before seven when your phone buzzed with a text from frankie, the concierge, a sweet old man whom you’d known since you were a child. 

frankie: there’s a man here for you, sweetheart. should i send him up?

you quickly sent him confirmation to allow nanami up, thanking him before looking up at utahime and shoko who were watching you brush through your bouncy blowout, “he’s downstairs.” 

a gasp left shoko loudly, “he’s early! ugh, he’s such a man!” 

and a man, he was. 

professor nanami seemed like the sort of man who would arrive early. he was eight years your senior, mature and kind, both traits you had picked up on from your occasional texts throughout the week. 

he’d texted you first that same night he asked you out, all polite and formal as he introduced that it was him and asked if you were still okay with the date. 

you remember giggling gently at his professionalism before assuring him that you were looking forward to it. he texted you here and there since then, simply asking questions to gauge what restaurant to choose for the date and your overall vibe.

“you literally look unreal.” shoko stated with a shake of her head as you gazed at the full length mirror in your living room. 

“he’s gonna faint.” utahime stated, taking a sip of the tea she had helped herself with. 

your dainty hands smoothed at the expensive fabric of your dress, the silk hugging you in all the perfect places, backless with a little silk scarf resting against your neck. 

a pair of silver heels adorned your feet and a matching clutch in hand. 

you did look pretty, at least prettier than you had the past few weeks. you tried to ignore the way the dress hung off you looser than it had weeks ago, collarbones more prominent than usual. 

the doorbell rang once, snapping you out of the spiral you were quickly falling into. 

you turned to the girls, eyes wide, “go! shoo! don’t let him see you, he’ll think i’m pathetic!”

shoko and utahime both giggled before running over to the door, standing right on the side so they were on the other side of the door when you opened it. 

a huff left you but you knew that was the best they would offer and you took it. 

your heels clicked as you made your way to the door, taking a deep breath before pulling it open and there he was. 

nanami was standing tall in dark trousers and a white dress shirt with the sleeves rolled neatly to his forearms, revealing skin void of any ink, defined and smooth. 

your heart clenched when your eyes drifted to his hand. he was holding a small bouquet of pink peonies.

his eyes found yours instantly when you looked up and for a second, you could see the nerves buzzing under his skin before he smiled shyly, “you look lovely.”

lovely. not pretty or beautiful but lovely. somehow that was even sweeter. 

your throat tightened before forcing out a soft smile, “thank you.” 

he glanced towards the flowers before holding them out to you, “i remember you said you loved spring because of the pink peonies around the other day so, uh, here.” 

you felt your heart tighten as a soft laugh left you, “they’re beautiful, thank you so much. let me just put them in water really quick then we can get going.” 

nanami merely nodded as you took ahold of the flowers, allowing the door to shut just to see shoko and utahime silently squealing behind the door. 

“he is so cute!” shoko whispered as you slapped her arm. 

“shut up, he’s right there!” you whispered back as utahime merely grinned. 

“you got your flowers.” 

you paused momentarily, shoulders tensing as you swallowed gently. 

yes, you did get your flowers, peonies and all. 

why was the heavy feeling still lingering beneath your ribs? 

you had spent years imagining this and somehow, you got almost every detail right. 

except the man behind the door. 

you shook your head at the thought before holding out the bouquet to the girls, utahime grabbing ahold of it, “put them in my mom’s crystal vase on the counter, please.” 

both girls gave you a thumbs up, grinning in encouragement as you opened the door once more, nanami immediately meeting your gaze. 

“ready?” 

you nodded with a soft smile, “yup.” 

“great. bye girls.” nanami called out, amusement lacing his words to the girls who you could so clearly hear shuffling behind the door. your cheeks flushed as you shut the door. 

“have fun!” shoko yelled. 

you were quick to lock the door, placing the keys in your clutch before turning to the man, “sorry about that.” 

nanami merely chuckled deeply, offering his arm, unassuming and sweet.

you hesitated for the briefest moment before gently looping your hand through it, his arm tensing almost imperceptibly. he was nervous. 

the realization made something ache quietly inside your chest. 

he wasn’t ryomen sukuna, all untouchable and feared. 

he was simply a man hoping tonight would go well and for some reason, the revelation was so endearing, you found yourself shifting closer to him as you made it to the elevator. 

“do you live here all alone?” nanami questioned as he pressed the lobby button. 

you hummed gently, “technically, my parents live here as well but they just travel a lot, so i’m on my own more often than not.” 

nanami gazed down at you, “i mean, it’s a beautiful building…does it not get lonely?” 

you sighed softly before shrugging, “i mean, yes and no. i love being alone and hanging out with myself, and i’m kind of used to it. but sometimes…sometimes i wish it wasn’t so quiet. but my friends are over a lot anyways.”

and your soulmate never truly let you feel alone, he lived under your skin. 

but nanami didn’t need to know that. 

nanami merely hummed in acknowledgement, the rest of the lift ride passing in comfortable silence, neither of you seemed particularly eager to fill it with meaningless conversation. 

when the doors opened into the lobby, frankie looked up from behind the reception desk almost instantly. 

his weathered face lit into a smile, “well, don’t you look like a million bucks, sweetheart.” 

your cheeks warmed as you grinned at the man, “hi frankie.” 

the older man looked between you and nanami before his eyes settled knowingly on the bouquet now missing from nanami’s hands, “got ya flowers, huh? peonies too.” 

nanami cleared his throat politely, hand moving to rest lightly on your back, “i thought it was appropriate.” 

frankie chuckled, “what a gentleman. you take care of her, huh?” 

you blushed softly, “frankie!” 

the man simply chuckled as nanami offered him a smile before leading you outside, the spring evening beginning to settle over the city. the air was warm enough that the city seemed to glow beneath strings of lights and illuminated storefronts, but a chilled breeze made it so nanami’s hand was warm against your bare back. 

nanami walked beside you at an easy pace, matching your stride, conscious of the difference in height as your legs were much shorter than his own. 

“i hope you don’t mind walking.” he stated as you immediately shook your head. 

“not at all, i love walking.” 

nanami smiled gently, “the restaurant isn’t far.”

you merely hummed in acknowledgement as another comfortable silence fell upon you. 

“i should confess something.” nanami broke the silence as you looked over at him curiously, “i’ve never done this before.” 

your head tilted, “gone on a date?” 

he smiled faintly, “asked a student on a date.” 

you couldn’t help but laugh softly, “that does sound like an important distinction.” 

“i thought so…” he glanced at you briefly, “i’’ve spent the entire week wondering whether it was wildly inappropriate.” 

“and?” 

“i’m still undecided…but willing to take the chance.” the blonde man nodded once, cheeks warm as you smiled softly. 

“well, if it helps, i’m not your student.” 

“that’s exactly what i told myself.” 

another laugh escaped you, this time real and true, easier than the last. 

it surprised both of you and nanami didn’t comment on it. he simply looked ahead again, a small smile lingering on his face. he liked hearing you laugh. 

the rest of the walk was easier, blanketed in comfortable conversation and warmth. 

∞

kento nanami was a dream. 

he was chivalrous, pulling your chair out and opening the door for you. he was kind and attentive, grasping every word that left your mouth like you were revealing state secrets. and he was so handsome, it kind of ached to look at him. 

the dinner couldn’t have gone better, filled with easy conversation, soft laughs and gentle touches that were more comfortable than expecting. 

the little italian restaurant was gorgeous, candlelit and dimmed. the food was absolutely amazing and he insisted you try some of his seabass. 

by the time nanami walked you back to your building, the city had long since quieted. the rush of evening had softened into something gentler, streetlights reflecting across the dark pavement while the occasional taxi rolled lazily down the road, headlights cutting through the breeze. 

“i had a lovely evening.” nanami’s voice was as steady as ever, hands in his pockets as you both stood outside the doors. 

you looked up at him, a small smile painting your glossy lips, “i did too.” 

and you had. that was the worst part. 

there hadn’t been a single awkward silence, not a moment where the conversation dulled. 

nanami smiled warmly, “i’m glad. can i call you tomorrow?”

you felt your stomach twisting as you nodded, “i’d like that.” 

his eyes searched yours for a moment before leaning forward to place a chaste kiss against the warmth of your cheek, “goodnight.” 

you blushed gently, “goodnight, kento.” 

nanami offered one last grin before stepping back and walking towards the darkness. only when his figure was swallowed by the night did you step inside. 

the lobby was quiet which made sense, as it was almost midnight. 

frankie looked up from behind the reception desk almost instantly, reading glasses balanced low on his nose as he looked over the evening newspaper. 

“i showed you how to check your news on your phone, frank.” you grumbled as you leaned down to unclasp your heels, stepping out of them onto the cool flooring. 

his face brightened, “there’s my girl!” 

you smiled gently, holding the straps of your heels in hand, “hi frankie.” 

“how was the date with blondie?” he questioned casually, setting the paper down, offering his full attention. 

you couldn’t help but take note of his hopeful tone, like he already knew the answer he’d wanted. 

you sighed gently, walking over slowly before resting your elbows against the polished marble desk the way you had since you were little enough that you could barely see over it.

“it was…” you searched for the word, “really nice.” 

frankie smiled, “knew it would be.” 

you nodded, “he opened the door and pulled out my chair and everything.” 

frankie smiled amusedly, “oh?” 

“mhmm…” you sighed sleepily, “i only mentioned the pink peonies once when we were texting and he brought them.” 

frankie let out a low whistle, “impressive.” 

you laughed softly, eyes shutting as the silence that followed stretched just a little too long. 

frankie’s smile faded first, “you seem pretty sad for a girl who went on a really nice date.” 

your eyes fluttered open, meeting his own dark ones, “i thought if it went perfect, i’d feel better.” 

frankie’s brows furrowed gently, “he not the one?” 

his question was heavy, lingering between you for a moment because you simply didn’t want to utter the words. 

“no. he’s not my soulmate.” 

frankie’s shoulders deflated as he shook his head, “figured.” 

your eyes grew watery before you could stop it, “i really wanted him to be enough.” 

frankie reached across the desk and laid one weathered hand over yours, thumb rubbing gently across the back of your hand. 

“i spent most of the night thinking that this is what my soulmate should’ve been like.” 

the words hung heavily between you and frankie’s expression shifted to something sadder, full of understanding. 

“devils dick can suck a dick for all i care.” frankie huffed out and you couldn’t help but let out a watery giggle. 

shoko had told frankie to refer to your soulmate as devils dick when you were seventeen and he hadn’t strayed from it since. 

“he didn’t want me.” you confessed lowly, almost a whisper and frankie almost missed it if he wasn’t so focused, “i just thought it’d be different. like you and luanne.” 

frankie smiled at the mention of his wife, “luanne and i hated each other when we met.”

your eyes widened, “are you serious? you told me it was love at first sight, that you’d eloped the night you met.” 

frankie shrugged gently, “you were seven, i didn’t wanna crush your dreams.” 

your brows furrowed, huffing as you walked behind the desk, taking a seat on the desk facing him. 

“why did you hate each other? how? i mean, you’re both so obsessed with each other, it’s gross.” 

frankie chuckled a deep chuckle as he leaned back in his chair, “when we first met, she worked at this diner i walked into. i remember that i swore i’d never marry her. she called me an arrogant prick.” 

you snorted, “real.” 

“she was so angry at me, she started throwing bread rolls at my head.” 

that earned him another giggle, soft and real.

frankie smiled, “point is…life has a funny way of provin’ stubborn people wrong.” 

you looked at him for a second before your smile faded, “i don’t think sukuna’s stubborn. i think he’s already decided. he seemed pretty sure when he basically told me to fuck off.” 

frankie frowned, “i’ll kill him.” you looked down with a soft sigh, “either way, it’ll work out. sometimes fate asks for a lot more patient from you than she ever should.” 

your shoulders slumped, “i don’t think i have any patience left.” 

frankie’s heart squeezed, recalling the years he’d watched you feel your soulmate, the nights you came down already on your fourth cup of coffee because he’d kept you up. he’d seen you shut your eyes and blow out candles during every birthday, knowing all you’d wished for is for your soulmate to be good.

he’d watched little pieces of you shape themselves around someone you’d never even met. and now, he was watching those same pieces fall apart. 

you glanced at him with a small sigh, “i should head to bed.” 

frankie sighed gently, “alright, sweetheart. call me if ya need anythin’.” 

you nodded softly, leaning over to press a kiss to the old man’s wrinkled cheek, “night, frank.” 

“night, kid.” 

your bare feet padded softly as you made your way to the lift. 

and somewhere across the city, another man laid awake for the sixth week in a row. 

and neither of them knew that the other was also grieving.

∞

an | oops finally! chapter is v reader focused but next chapter will be the reunion ahhhhhh also SMUT omg ! this is kind of a transition chapter to show the grief cuz i know yall want the reader pissed but she's just a girl and she is GRIEVING so leave her alone !!!!

for years, you’d spent your time doing little things without thinking, the purest intentions nudged forward by the sheer hope that your soulmate wasn’t all bad. gone were the mornings you’d spend stretching, the coloring books you’d purchased to calm him sat untouched on your desk in the study room and you didn’t spend nights hugging yourself to sleep. 

it wasn’t even out of spite, at least not entirely. you simply couldn’t bear the thought of taking care of someone who had looked you in the eye and told you that there was no us. 

after everything you had done for him. 

there is no us. 

his voice echoed while brushing your teeth, while making coffee and when you sat your pharmacology exam. 

there is no us. 

the cruelest part was that your body still betrayed you. 

every friday night, anxiety settled beneath your ribs before sunset. 

every saturday morning, you woke with bruises blooming beneath your skin that didn’t belong to you. 

your soulmate still existed. he still fought and bled and despite everything, some pathetic part of you remained attentive to it, just enough to make sure he was alive. 

you hated yourself for that most of all because hope was a difficult thing to kill, especially after you spent years nurturing that very hope. 

but you could feel the hope within you die slowly, one disappointment at a time. 

“she’s doing it again.” 

you blinked slowly as shoko’s voice drifted into focus from somewhere across your apartment. 

“hmm?” you hummed as you looked up at the girls who were standing before you in your living room, arms crossed. 

“you’ve been staring at nothing for the past ten minutes…” utahime chimed in lowly, “kinda like you have been the last few weeks. ever since that night.”

neither of them asked what happened that night anymore, not because they weren’t curious. after you had remained silent the first ten times they asked, they decided that you would tell them on your own time. 

but they had seen enough. they knew ryomen sukuna was something to you and utahime had very quickly concluded that the underground fighter was your soulmate. 

they found you at home with swollen eyes and mascara halfway down your cheeks and they knew something inside you had gone frighteningly quiet since. 

“i was thinking we’d go shopping today?” shoko questioned, eyes wide and hopeful, a grin stretching her cheeks as she rocked back and forth on her feet. 

you had barely left the apartment as of late and your friends were growing extremely concerned, especially at the lack of shopping bags lining your door, as they did every spring sale. 

you smiled gently, eyes drowned in grief, “maybe another day, m’feeling tired.” 

the girls both shared a look, exchanging glances that spoke volumes, pupils lined with worry and apprehension alike. 

you weren’t tired, you were grieving. 

you weren’t even grieving a relationship or a man, you were grieving every version of your future you’d quietly built over seven years. the one where fate had known what it was doing, the one where your soulmate looked at you the way the men in your favorite romcoms do. 

you had hoped those years of turmoil and sleepless nights meant something, that it would lead to something that would make it all worth it. 

truly, the only thing you could think of to describe what you were going through was bella swan in new moon. that one scene that practically shaped your childhood in which she was grieving edward through the seasons, the depression pulling her deeper with each month that passed.

except, you didn’t have edward cullen who’d devoted himself to bella. 

instead, fate had given you ryomen sukuna. 

a man who had spent years implicitly convincing you he was impossible to love only for you to discover he’d been right. 

∞

ryomen sukuna knew anger better than anyone. 

he knew the way the emotion would sneak up on him, the way it grasped at his lungs until he shook with it and most of all, he knew how to use it. 

that was one of the first things toji ever learned about him. 

when he was sixteen, the anger made him reckless and at twenty-three, that same anger made him dangerous. 

except, toji didn’r recognize this. 

this wasn’t anger, it was something much worse, almost like self-loathing. 

the heavy bag lurched violently beneath another punch, then another and another. over and over again. as if sukuna was aiming to hurt himself.

“sukuna.” 

sukuna ignored the man, his fist colliding with the bag hard enough that something inside his hand shifted unpleasantly. 

it didn't matter, though. nothing did. so he punched it again. 

“you’re gonna break your fuckin’ hand, kid.” 

sukuna stopped then, chest heaving as he catched his breath. sweat trailed down his chest, shimmering against his tattooed skin till it caught on the fabric of his waistband. 

the gym was quiet, not unusual for a tuesday afternoon. most fighters didn’t bother training until evening, leaving only the rhythmic squeak of trainers against worn canvas and the dull thud of sukuna’s fists against the bag echoing through the room. 

usually, sukuna liked the silence but lately, he despised it. 

the silence only made her louder. 

he still felt her, fucking everywhere, every goddamn day. 

except she had changed, fundamentally so. before meeting her, the bond had been easy to ignore, to push aside and dismiss as a hindrance more than anything else. 

his soulmate was merely an idea, a voice without a face and warmth without eyes. 

now? now she was this pretty fiery thing with a pair of doe eyes that he saw everytime he closed his own. fuck, she was the prettiest goddamn thing he’d ever seen and he wished fate wasn’t so cruel to give him a dream when he was a fucking nightmare.

he couldn’t escape her anymore. 

“enough.” toji’s voice cut cleanly through the gym as sukuna began punching once more at the mere memory of her devastating features. 

toji walked over, caught the heavy bag with one hand and held it perfectly still, muscles straining against his compression shirt. 

sukuna glared at the motion, “move.” 

“fuck off, ya little shit,” toji scoffed, moving to shove sukuna back and away from the bag and he could see the pink-haired fighter’s nostrils flare in irritation, “get yourself together, you have a fight today, you don’t wear yourself out.” 

sukuna merely breathed heavily, eyes deep and almost wounded, cheeks flushed with exertion as toji glared right back. 

“you look a fuckin’ mess.” toji muttered with a scoff, taking a hold of the cigarette that rested behind his ear, lighting it quickly before resting it against his pink lips, “your girl?”

sukuna’s jaw clenched at his words as he bit at the velcro strap on his right glove, allowing it to tumble onto the ground before ripping the other one off. 

only then did he collapse on the floor of the ring, chest heaving as the adrenaline began washing away, quickly replaced with utter detestation. 

not for her, not even for toji but for him. he fucking despised himself. 

his eyes were trained on the stained ceilings as the words left him, “she fuckin’ hates me.”  

toji remained silent for a moment, taking a drag of his smoke before shrugging, “did you expect any less? you made her life fuckin’ miserable.” 

sukuna ddin’t even feel the anger coursing through him at his words because there was none. he was right. toji was completely correct. 

she had every fucking right to hate him, hell, isn’t that what he wanted anyways? 

he just didn’t expect it to be such a hard pill to swallow, his soulmate hating him. 

“that why you’ve been distracted?”

toji’s question made sukuna scoff instantly, eyes shifting to glance at the black haired man. 

“distracted?” sukuna scoffed, “i won every fuckin’ fight like i always fuckin’ do.”

toji scoffed, taking another drag, “you’ve taken more hits this month than you have the last two years.” 

sukuna’s jaw clenched because toji was right. 

“you missed asahi’s left hook last week.” toji continued, voice monotonous and emotionless to anyone that didn’t know him. 

but sukuna recognized the edge in his voice and it irked him, “it was a good move-”

toji scoffed instantly, “it was predictable as fuck and you know it. that’s a hit you could dodge with your fuckin’ eyes shut, don’t play with me, asshole.” 

toji scoffed, shaking his head as he turned away, walking towards the ropes. 

sukuna’s eyes remained on the ceiling, chest clenching in a way he wasn’t used to, a weight that was new or one he’d never noticed before. 

and he wasn’t sure why his mouth opened to toji of all people but he did. 

“she stopped calmin’ me down.” 

toji paused before turning to gaze down at the man whose crimson gaze remained fixed on the crack in the ceiling that toji vowed to fix years ago. 

“the nightmares are bad again…and i’m so damn angry all the fuckin’ time…” sukuna’s mouth spoke before he could stop it, “i knew she was takin’ care of me, i just didn’t think-”

he paused then, jaw clenching and nostrils flaring as toji allowed a small sigh to leave his lips. 

sympathy wrapped around him at the sight of the young man grieving something he never even wanted. a part of him knew it was sukuna’s fault and sukuna’s fault alone. 

the other part of him, the part that had taken the angry sixteen year old under his wing, knew that sukuna didn’t know better. he wasn’t taught better. 

all he knew was pain and violence so what would calloused hands do with something so soft and fragile like a soulmate? he was bound to break it. 

toji knew this was something sukuna had to do alone, it was growth that he would be forced to go through because toji knew how helpless one could be without their soulmate. and now that the two had met, there was no going back for sukuna and he would soon learn that for himself. 

“if you can’t go a day without thinkin’ of her, maybe you’re not meant to be apart…” toji stated lowly in a rare show of wisdom before bringing the smoke to his lips, “tonight, you’re goin’ against gojo again. you know how he is with his elbow, i expect you to fuckin’ see it comin’ this time.” 

with that, toji turned and jumped down from the ropes towards his back office, leaving sukuna to mull over the older man’s words. 

not meant to be apart? 

well, sure, they were soulmates, they were meant to be inseparable. but fate had made a mistake with him by tying an angel to him. 

what the fuck did she do to deserve him? 

after their meeting, he couldn’t even stomach the sight of another girl. 

the others didn’t have her eyes, the mole by her collarbone, the plushness of her pretty lips. 

they were all kinds of wrong. 

she used to stretch every morning. he remembered because his own muscles always felt strangely light even after a brutal session. 

his nightmares also became less frequent around the same time she’d started university. 

reading, coloring, coffee, music, warm blankets. 

she was all those little things, thousands of miniscule details that he’d never asked for but needed more than anything. 

they were things she’d never stopped doing, warmth she never stopped carrying…until now. 

slowly, sukuna flexed his aching fingers with a low grimace. everything fucking hurt. 

not because he trained harder but because she’d finally let him carry the weight alone. 

just like he’d asked her to. 

∞

shoko had started letting herself into your apartment way more often.

not because she lacked manners but because you had stopped regularly answering your phone.

she simply had no choice and your spare key that was usually left in the vase by the door was now in her possession. 

you heard the front door open somewhere beyond your bedroom, followed by familiar footsteps echoing softly against the marble floors. 

“morning, anikan!” shoko’s voice softly greeted the fluffy brown cat guarding your door like a doberman. a sleepy meow followedbefore your bedroom door practically slammed against your wall. 

“absolutely not.” 

you cracked one eye open. 

shoko stood in your doorway, already dressed for her literature lecture in an oversized brown leather jacket and jean shorts. 

she narrowed her eyes at your body burrowed beneath egyptian cotton, wide eyes peaking from beneath the duvet before glancing at the blackout curtains. 

“dude, it is eleven thirty.” shoko stated, arms crossing as she walked further into your room, socked feet padding against the carpeted floors before stopping at the edge of your bed, “didn’t you have a lecture at nine? you’ve missed a million fucking lectures!” 

“i’m caught up.” you groaned into your pillow, pulling your pink throw blanket against your chest, as if it would shield you from her judgmental gaze. 

“you watch recordings in bed.” 

you shrugged, “yeah, they’re fucking recorded for a reason.” 

shoko stared at you for a long beat before her eyes shut, letting out a sigh as if she was mustering up all the patience known to man, “i never thought i’d say this, but i miss your neurotic self when your priority was your damn routine.” 

you felt your heart clench gently. you knew she meant well but her words had stung because no one missed yourself more than you. 

you missed your discipline, your inability to stay at home all day, your daily walks and the way you looked forward to writing your stupid notes. 

dread filled you at the mere thought of leaving the comfort of your penthouse. 

you swallowed the lump in your throat, “sorry to disappoint, sho.” 

shoko instantly sighed, moving forward to sit at the edge of your bed, hand resting against your waist above the blankets, “what happened? what happened to you? where’d you go?” 

the gentleness in her voice almost made you cry, eyes blurring with tears as a lump grew in your throat once more. 

you attempted to blink them away but all that did was make it trickle down your hollowed out cheeks, “i don’t feel like myself anymore.” 

silence filled the room for a moment as you closed your eyes and buried your face into the blanket. 

then shoko’s hand moved up your back between your shoulder blades before moving back down in comforting and warm caresses. 

“you don’t have to feel like yourself today,” shoko stated quietly, “you can just pretend, yeah? eventually she’ll come back. come to class with me then we’ll get matcha from that place downtown that you love.” 

you felt the knot in your chest loosen just a bit before you peaked up at her from beneath the duvet, red rimmed eyes and all, “the one in chinatown?” 

shoko grinned gently, fingers pushing back the strand of hair on your forehead to behind your ear, “yup. they have a new strawberry one for spring.” 

shoko’s chest tightened at the way your eyes lit up just the slightest bit, finally shifting the blankes to below your chin, “i know that you’re bribing me but that sounds super good.” 

shoko smiled softly, “mhm. they even have this pink cold foam.” 

you groaned, “okay, i’m up. give me twenty.” 

∞

fourty minutes later, you found yourself walking across campus with your hands crossed against your chest, adorned in a mini slip skirt and a quarter sleeve shirt, feet adorned in a pair of designer flipflops. your face was bare, dark circles beneath your eyes that were hidden behind expensive dark sunglasses, your tote against your side. 

the humanities building sat on the opposite side of the university from the science building and you’d never really had  a reason to come here besides occasionally dropping shoko or hime off. 

it was definitely an older building, tall stained glass windows caught the late morning sun, spilling ribbons of amber across worn wooden floors. shelves upon shelves lined the corridor, overflowing with books and students sat scattered across window seats with books in hand, reading quietly. 

you frowned slightly, “this building is so pretty, why is the science one so boring?”

shoko looked entirely too pleased as she smiled, “i told you, it looks like hogwarts.” 

by the time you reached the lecture theatre, most seats had already filled up. 

“i’ve never seen a lecture so full.” you stated as shoko sat at the very front row, pulling out her ipad as you sat beside her. 

“oh, you’ll know why soon.” she giggled softly, turning her ipad on as you furrowed your brows at her ominous words. 

just as your mouth parted to question her further a man stepped through the doorway carrying a leather satchel and a ceramic coffee cup. 

your eyes followed the man, tall and broad-shouldered, impeccably dressed in a charcoal suit. his blonde hair was neatly styled, reading glasses resting low against the bridge of his nose as he set his coffee carefully on the desk.

he was both extremely attractive and young for a literature professor. 

“ugh, he’s so yummy.” shoko shook her head, eyes fixated on the man as her apple pen rested between her teeth.

your eyes furrowed, “does percy know you drool over your literature professor.” 

shoko turned to you with a small grin, “mhmm. he joins me sometimes.” 

you scoffed with a small giggle as she shook her head once more. 

“he’s gorgeous…” shoko sighed dreamily, “professor kento nanami, what a fucking man.” 

your eyes turned to him once more, heart stilling when you noticed his gaze already fixated on you. was he mad that you were here when you weren’t in his class? 

then he offered a small smile, one that washed away your worries, replacing it with relief. you met his eyes as you offered a polite one of your own. 

then you felt it, the subtle creeping of anger, hot and wild, beneath your ribs. fuck, this really wasn’t the time. 

your eyes shut momentarily, willing yourself-him-to calm down, simply for your own peace and not his. your thumb momentarily brushed against your knuckles, soft but achingly warm. 

professor nanami began speaking then, greeting the class before offering a short briefing about the learning objectives for the lecture.

your eyes were still closed, feeling the anger ever so slowly wash away. 

“devils dick?” shoko whispered gently as you merely nodded once, eyes opening once more when the overwhelming sensation dissolved into nothing more than indifference. 

“m’fine.” you stated once before shoko merely nodded, sensing your reluctance to speak about it before you both looked back at professor nanami. 

he was speaking about symbolism in nineteenth century literature with a calm intellect that somehow made an entire lecture room lean forward to grasp onto every word. 

you knew part of it was his achingly handsome features, but his teaching was truly interesting. 

“you know he’s a non-existent?” shoko mentioned as your brows furrowed just a bit. 

he had no soulmate? it was a bit poetic. the man who read and taught love sonnets and poems would never know the feeling of being tied to one person. of fate choosing someone that was supposed to make you whole, to fit the pieces of you that you didn’t know were missing. 

“lucky bastard.” you huffed out, leaning back and crossing your arms as shoko snorted gently. 

you believed non-existents were the lucky ones, not the ones with soulmates. because non-existents had the privilege of choice, the ability to love someone intentionally.

that was far more romantic, in your opinion. they weren’t stripped of the choice and forced into obligation. they were free. 

six weeks ago, you would’ve pitied him and now, you envied him. 

no phantom bruises, no sleepless nights, no wondering whether fate had ruined your life before you’d even lived it. 

a type of peace you’d forever grieve. 

you looked back towards the front of the room and for the first time in weeks, you wondered what that might feel like. 

at that exact moment, professor nanami looked up, hazel eyes meeting yours for a moment, faltering gently before moving on. 

he was all professional and brief, but something about his expression lingered and you weren’t sure if you liked it.

the hour lecture had passed relatively quickly, possibly because it was actually interesting. 

It was nice. not life-changing but interesting enough to pull you from the fog you’d been living in. 

the shopping district buzzed around you, people weaving between boutiques with paper bags swinging from their wrists while the sun beat down on the pavement. 

somehow, your little matcha outing had turned into a full shopping spree, courtesy of solely you. 

shoko held two shopping bags in each hand, huffing as you made your way out of another boutique, your own hands full of bags as well. 

“you did not need another pair of ballet flats!” shoko huffed out as you glanced at her through your dark sunglasses, smiling gently. 

“no, i didn’t,” you flipped your hair over your shoulder with a flick of your head, “i wanted it. plus, it was on sale so it was practically free!”

shoko groaned as you began walking down the pavement once more, your eyes already searching for the next place you would inflict damage upon your father’s black card in your bag, “it was still like five hundred bucks!” 

you merely shrugged with a giggle at her glare. 

for the first time in weeks, the conversation felt easy. not effortless but easier. you were making a very active effort not to think about the reason why your wrist was aching just a bit. 

as you both rounded another corner, the familiar green logo across the street caught your eye and you slowed instinctively, “i want a pau chocolate.” 

shoko stopped in her tracks, looking up at the bakery before nodding frantically, “yes, please! i need fucking fuel, my feet hurt!” 

you rolled your eyes before making your way into the trendy little bakery, daniel caesar playing softly from the speakers as shoko immediately took a seat, shopping bags at her feet. 

you laughed gently as she huffed before her screen lit up with an incoming call and you knew who it was from the small smile painting her lips when she caught sight of the name. 

“it’s perc. i should take this.” 

you rolled your eyes affectionately, “gross.” 

shoko grinned, “whatever. i only spoke to him twice today, couldn’t even say goodbye to him this morning.” 

you made a face, “please get a hobby.” 

“my hobby is my soulmate.” 

the words landed heavier than either of you expected, your face dropping just a bit as shoko’s smile faltered almost immediately, “s-sorry-”

you instantly forced a grin, scoffing out a laugh that was equally as forced, “ew, don’t apologize, you’re good. i’m gonna grab our pastries, you take the call.” 

shoko instantly shot you a smile before accepting the call as you moved to stand in line, faintly listening to the uncharacteristic softness in shoko’s voice. 

a familiar ache settled beneath your ribs, a bitterness you despised. not jealousy but longing. you wished you had what percy and shoko did. 

once, that would’ve been you. 

you shook your head softly before reading the menu on the wall despite knowing exactly what you wanted. 

“i wouldn’t suppose you’d have any recommendations for me, would you?” 

you turned instantly and your lips parted at the sight of professor nanami stood behind you in the queue, a neatly folded newspaper tucked beneath his arm. 

a newspaper? how old was this guy? 

it was a bit endearing, though. 

he looked oddly out of place outside campus, less professor and more…man. his tie had been loosened slightly, sleeves rolled neatly to reveal his veiny forearms. 

you smiled softly up at him, “unless you have a raging sweet tooth, i wouldn’t take my recommendation.” 

his lips twitched upward a bit, “hmm. i wouldn’t have guessed.” 

you merely tilted your head, wide eyes fluttering up at him with a gentle smile. 

“i don’t believe i’ve seen you in my lectures before,” he spoke once more, “you are not one of my students, right?” 

you shook your head, “no, i was just sitting in with a friend. i’m in pharmaceutics.” 

“i thought so,” he hummed thoughtfully, “i would have remembered y-”

he cut himself off, a flush of pink coating his cheeks as your breath hitched gently, heat crept into your cheeks despite yourself. 

“i-i didn’t mean-” he began as you shook your head, a small giggle leaving your lips. 

he seemed instantly relieved to hear your laugh, lips tilting up as his blush deepened and it was almost...cute. 

“you’re very-um-” nanami paused momentarily as your head tilted, eyes expectant as you waited for his next words, “you just-” 

your brows raised just a bit when he stopped himself once more, almost stumbling with his words, uncharacteristically unsure before sighing gently. 

“i never do this and please feel free to decline,” he began with soft eyes, almost hopeful, “but i know this great dessert place downtown, they make excellent pastries as well.”

there was a tiny pause, momentary before he continued, “would you want to…may i take you there?” 

your heartbeat stilled, not because of the fact that this was nanami but because it wasn’t sukuna. 

nanami’s eyes were gazing down at you, open and honest, so sweet, it made something in you squeeze at the thought of crushing that expectant look in his eyes. 

your lips parted before your eyes shifted to glance at shoko who was giggling into the phone with percy. 

soulmates. 

the word felt bitter now and your eyes drifted back toward nanami and his kind, patient eyes. 

the sort of man you stayed up hoping for when you were just a girl, the sort of man you hoped fate would tie you to. not a violent underground fighter or someone who broke your heart before he’d ever held it. 

maybe it didn’t have to be that way. maybe love wasn’t something you have to stumble into, maybe you could make a choice. 

maybe this was how broken hearted people moved on. 

or possibly…some wounded, childish part of you wanted sukuna to feel exactly what you felt for years. 

the very thought made you feel sick but it didn’t disappear. 

nanami waited patiently without rushing you. he didn’t attempt to fill the silence and didn’t try to assume your answer either. he almost waited for the mention of your soulmate, the rejection he was accustomed to and fully understood. 

“okay.” 

the word left you quieter and more hesitant than you’d intended. 

nanami’s eyes widened just a bit, “oh, uh, are you sure?”

you silently scolded yourself for the lack of certainty in your voice, immediately smiling reassuringly with a small nod, “yes. yes, i would love to.” 

nanami’s expression warmed, not triumphant, but almost relieved. 

“amazing…” he smiled warmly, “i can pick you up on friday?” 

you nodded with a gently grin, “friday. here, put your number in.” 

nanami grinned as you handed him your phone, cheeks flushed as he typed in his digits before handing you your phone once more, “i’m looking forward to it.” 

you blushed softly as you smiled a bit, “me too.” 

nanami nodded once, still adorning a soft grin as you both made small talk as he ordered and paid for your pastries which you thanked him for. 

soon, he excused himself politely, kissing your cheek softly before walking away, leaving you standing there with a strange mix of emotions. the most prevalent among them all was guilt. 

you were feeling guilty. 

you almost wanted to scoff and shake yourself to sense. you were doing nothing wrong. 

if your manwhore soulmate could sleep with other people, you could go on as many dates as you wished, even sleep with them if you wanted to. 

you quietly grabbed your tray and walked over to shoko, taking a seat on the table just as she closed the call. 

were you seriously going on a date? a date?

the mere thought sent you into a spiral that shoko’s voice instantly breached, “were you talking to professor nanami?” 

shoko’s brows were furrowed, both at the sight of you talking and the unsure expression on your face.

“mhm…he, um, he…asked me to go out with him on friday.” 

the revelation had shoko’s jaw dropping instantly, eyes searching your face for any sign of you messing around with her. 

“professor nanami….asked you out….on a date?” 

you merely nodded your head, grabbing the pastry on the plate and taking a bite of the buttery delicacy, a bite larger than you could handle as you chewed slowly, occupying your brain with chewing instead of spiraling. 

shoko’s eyes were still wide, jaw somewhat slack, “oh my god…” 

you simply shrugged despite the war taking place inside of you. 

half of you wanted to run after him and tell him you couldn’t go out with him, that despite the devastation of it all, you did have a soulmate and even though you, so badly, wanted revenge, you simply couldn’t stoop that low. 

the other part of you longed for the feeling of being wanted. sukuna had spent years making you feel impossible to love and nanami had known you all of sixty minutes and decided to take a chance. 

both parts of you were rooted in a sadness so deep, your stomach churned at the mere thought of moving on from your soulmate. and shoko could see it. 

“are you sure, babe?” shoko asked lowly, eyes furrowed as she leaned closer, “you just don’t seem like you’re in the right headspace for this…maybe wait-”

you shook your head once, “i won’t spend another second grieving someone i never had, someone that doesn’t even want me.” 

shoko’s eyes widened just a bit as you revealed more than you have the past few weeks. she wasn’t sure what happened at that party but she knew that ryomen sukuna had killed something in you that night, a light she so desperately wanted to see glint in your eye once more. 

so with that, she nodded instantly, “we’re gonna need another dress.” 

∞

the days blurred as they tended to lately. soon enough, friday had come and the dread swallowed you whole. 

shoko and hime had both attempted to distract you all week to make sure you wouldn’t overthink your decision, however, your thoughts could only show mercy for so long. 

every feeling of sukuna reminded you of him, of what you’d agreed to, of what you lost. 

by six thirty, you had completely regretted saying yes. 

“you changed your outfit four times.” utahime huffed out, arms folding over her chest as she sighed. 

“five.” shoko corrected from where she sat beside her, cross legged on your bed with ani on her lap, scrolling on her phone with much more patience than utahime. 

“i don’t know what to wear!” you sighed, looking around your walk-in closet with exasperation. 

utahime blinked, “since when?” 

“you always know what to wear.” shoko furrowed her brows as you huffed gently, leaving the closet to take a seat on your vanity, shoulders slumped as your eyes fixated on your fuzzy socks. 

“i’ve never been on a date before.” 

silence filled the room before you heard both girls shift. 

“this isn’t about the clothes.” utahime stated with certainty and your wide eyes glanced up at them. 

no, it wasn’t. of course it wasn’t. 

you turned to face the mirror, your hair already gathered up in rollers, still clad in your baby blue pyjamas. your eyes met through the mirror, bags under the delicate skin as your reflection stared quietly back. 

you could barely recognize yourself. 

you always thought yourself to be strong, the thought of crumbling over a man seemed absolutely absurd to you. yet here you were, already practically shattered because of someone who couldn’t care less whether you lived or died. 

horror filled you as your reflection grew blurry through the tears pooling in your tired eyes. 

“i just…” your voice shook, “i always thought-i didn’t think this is how it would end up.” 

the tears left you before you could control it, trailing down flushed cheeks and dull skin, something heavy thumping against your ribs so hard, you wanted to scream. 

utahime and shoko watched from their place in your bed, brows furrowed in sympathy as they watched you break at the prospect of living without your soulmate. 

you’d spent years fantasizing about what meeting your soulmate would feel like, despite the absolute nightmare he was. you thought of your first everything, but you were always particularly fond of the idea of a first date. 

the idea of getting dolled up and running late, of the doorbell ringing and your soulmate standing there with fresh pink peonies because he knew they were your favorite. you thought of how his eyes would widen in awe at the sight of you, who’d reach for whose hand first, who’d kiss who. 

ryomen sukuna had crushed more than your hope that day, he stomped on your dreams, on what you believed happiness to be. 

something inside of you shifted that night, something was lost and you didn’t know how to get it back. 

shoko stood and without saying anything, she crossed the room and gently wrapped her arms around your shoulders from behind, “hey. you don’t have to do this-” 

“yes, she does.” utahime stated bluntly despite her clenched jaw at the sight of your anguish. 

shoko narrowed her eyes at hime from the mirror, “shut up, hime!” 

utahime scoffed, walking into your closet and rummaging through your clothing, “she’s fucking going and she’s gonna have a blast.” she then stepped out with your favorite backless navy silk dress, “because if you don’t then you’re choosing someone who doesn’t choose you.” 

the room fell painfully quiet, her words landing right where your ribs ached. shoko tensed from behind you before standing up, her hands still on your shoulders as she glared at utahime. 

“are you ser-” shoko began but you were quick to cut her off, sniffling gently before gazing at your reflection once more. 

“you’re right,” you breathed out, wiping your cheeks before grabbing your primer, “kento is great, he’s super sweet…” both of the girls watched you expectantly so you turned to gaze up at them, “i just wish…” 

you didn’t let the words leave you and they didn’t need to hear it because they already knew. 

you wish it were him. 

∞

it was ten minutes before seven when your phone buzzed with a text from frankie, the concierge, a sweet old man whom you’d known since you were a child. 

frankie: there’s a man here for you, sweetheart. should i send him up?

you quickly sent him confirmation to allow nanami up, thanking him before looking up at utahime and shoko who were watching you brush through your bouncy blowout, “he’s downstairs.” 

a gasp left shoko loudly, “he’s early! ugh, he’s such a man!” 

and a man, he was. 

professor nanami seemed like the sort of man who would arrive early. he was eight years your senior, mature and kind, both traits you had picked up on from your occasional texts throughout the week. 

he’d texted you first that same night he asked you out, all polite and formal as he introduced that it was him and asked if you were still okay with the date. 

you remember giggling gently at his professionalism before assuring him that you were looking forward to it. he texted you here and there since then, simply asking questions to gauge what restaurant to choose for the date and your overall vibe.

“you literally look unreal.” shoko stated with a shake of her head as you gazed at the full length mirror in your living room. 

“he’s gonna faint.” utahime stated, taking a sip of the tea she had helped herself with. 

your dainty hands smoothed at the expensive fabric of your dress, the silk hugging you in all the perfect places, backless with a little silk scarf resting against your neck. 

a pair of silver heels adorned your feet and a matching clutch in hand. 

you did look pretty, at least prettier than you had the past few weeks. you tried to ignore the way the dress hung off you looser than it had weeks ago, collarbones more prominent than usual. 

the doorbell rang once, snapping you out of the spiral you were quickly falling into. 

you turned to the girls, eyes wide, “go! shoo! don’t let him see you, he’ll think i’m pathetic!”

shoko and utahime both giggled before running over to the door, standing right on the side so they were on the other side of the door when you opened it. 

a huff left you but you knew that was the best they would offer and you took it. 

your heels clicked as you made your way to the door, taking a deep breath before pulling it open and there he was. 

nanami was standing tall in dark trousers and a white dress shirt with the sleeves rolled neatly to his forearms, revealing skin void of any ink, defined and smooth. 

your heart clenched when your eyes drifted to his hand. he was holding a small bouquet of pink peonies.

his eyes found yours instantly when you looked up and for a second, you could see the nerves buzzing under his skin before he smiled shyly, “you look lovely.”

lovely. not pretty or beautiful but lovely. somehow that was even sweeter. 

your throat tightened before forcing out a soft smile, “thank you.” 

he glanced towards the flowers before holding them out to you, “i remember you said you loved spring because of the pink peonies around the other day so, uh, here.” 

you felt your heart tighten as a soft laugh left you, “they’re beautiful, thank you so much. let me just put them in water really quick then we can get going.” 

nanami merely nodded as you took ahold of the flowers, allowing the door to shut just to see shoko and utahime silently squealing behind the door. 

“he is so cute!” shoko whispered as you slapped her arm. 

“shut up, he’s right there!” you whispered back as utahime merely grinned. 

“you got your flowers.” 

you paused momentarily, shoulders tensing as you swallowed gently. 

yes, you did get your flowers, peonies and all. 

why was the heavy feeling still lingering beneath your ribs? 

you had spent years imagining this and somehow, you got almost every detail right. 

except the man behind the door. 

you shook your head at the thought before holding out the bouquet to the girls, utahime grabbing ahold of it, “put them in my mom’s crystal vase on the counter, please.” 

both girls gave you a thumbs up, grinning in encouragement as you opened the door once more, nanami immediately meeting your gaze. 

“ready?” 

you nodded with a soft smile, “yup.” 

“great. bye girls.” nanami called out, amusement lacing his words to the girls who you could so clearly hear shuffling behind the door. your cheeks flushed as you shut the door. 

“have fun!” shoko yelled. 

you were quick to lock the door, placing the keys in your clutch before turning to the man, “sorry about that.” 

nanami merely chuckled deeply, offering his arm, unassuming and sweet.

you hesitated for the briefest moment before gently looping your hand through it, his arm tensing almost imperceptibly. he was nervous. 

the realization made something ache quietly inside your chest. 

he wasn’t ryomen sukuna, all untouchable and feared. 

he was simply a man hoping tonight would go well and for some reason, the revelation was so endearing, you found yourself shifting closer to him as you made it to the elevator. 

“do you live here all alone?” nanami questioned as he pressed the lobby button. 

you hummed gently, “technically, my parents live here as well but they just travel a lot, so i’m on my own more often than not.” 

nanami gazed down at you, “i mean, it’s a beautiful building…does it not get lonely?” 

you sighed softly before shrugging, “i mean, yes and no. i love being alone and hanging out with myself, and i’m kind of used to it. but sometimes…sometimes i wish it wasn’t so quiet. but my friends are over a lot anyways.”

and your soulmate never truly let you feel alone, he lived under your skin. 

but nanami didn’t need to know that. 

nanami merely hummed in acknowledgement, the rest of the lift ride passing in comfortable silence, neither of you seemed particularly eager to fill it with meaningless conversation. 

when the doors opened into the lobby, frankie looked up from behind the reception desk almost instantly. 

his weathered face lit into a smile, “well, don’t you look like a million bucks, sweetheart.” 

your cheeks warmed as you grinned at the man, “hi frankie.” 

the older man looked between you and nanami before his eyes settled knowingly on the bouquet now missing from nanami’s hands, “got ya flowers, huh? peonies too.” 

nanami cleared his throat politely, hand moving to rest lightly on your back, “i thought it was appropriate.” 

frankie chuckled, “what a gentleman. you take care of her, huh?” 

you blushed softly, “frankie!” 

the man simply chuckled as nanami offered him a smile before leading you outside, the spring evening beginning to settle over the city. the air was warm enough that the city seemed to glow beneath strings of lights and illuminated storefronts, but a chilled breeze made it so nanami’s hand was warm against your bare back. 

nanami walked beside you at an easy pace, matching your stride, conscious of the difference in height as your legs were much shorter than his own. 

“i hope you don’t mind walking.” he stated as you immediately shook your head. 

“not at all, i love walking.” 

nanami smiled gently, “the restaurant isn’t far.”

you merely hummed in acknowledgement as another comfortable silence fell upon you. 

“i should confess something.” nanami broke the silence as you looked over at him curiously, “i’ve never done this before.” 

your head tilted, “gone on a date?” 

he smiled faintly, “asked a student on a date.” 

you couldn’t help but laugh softly, “that does sound like an important distinction.” 

“i thought so…” he glanced at you briefly, “i’’ve spent the entire week wondering whether it was wildly inappropriate.” 

“and?” 

“i’m still undecided…but willing to take the chance.” the blonde man nodded once, cheeks warm as you smiled softly. 

“well, if it helps, i’m not your student.” 

“that’s exactly what i told myself.” 

another laugh escaped you, this time real and true, easier than the last. 

it surprised both of you and nanami didn’t comment on it. he simply looked ahead again, a small smile lingering on his face. he liked hearing you laugh. 

the rest of the walk was easier, blanketed in comfortable conversation and warmth. 

∞

kento nanami was a dream. 

he was chivalrous, pulling your chair out and opening the door for you. he was kind and attentive, grasping every word that left your mouth like you were revealing state secrets. and he was so handsome, it kind of ached to look at him. 

the dinner couldn’t have gone better, filled with easy conversation, soft laughs and gentle touches that were more comfortable than expecting. 

the little italian restaurant was gorgeous, candlelit and dimmed. the food was absolutely amazing and he insisted you try some of his seabass. 

by the time nanami walked you back to your building, the city had long since quieted. the rush of evening had softened into something gentler, streetlights reflecting across the dark pavement while the occasional taxi rolled lazily down the road, headlights cutting through the breeze. 

“i had a lovely evening.” nanami’s voice was as steady as ever, hands in his pockets as you both stood outside the doors. 

you looked up at him, a small smile painting your glossy lips, “i did too.” 

and you had. that was the worst part. 

there hadn’t been a single awkward silence, not a moment where the conversation dulled. 

nanami smiled warmly, “i’m glad. can i call you tomorrow?”

you felt your stomach twisting as you nodded, “i’d like that.” 

his eyes searched yours for a moment before leaning forward to place a chaste kiss against the warmth of your cheek, “goodnight.” 

you blushed gently, “goodnight, kento.” 

nanami offered one last grin before stepping back and walking towards the darkness. only when his figure was swallowed by the night did you step inside. 

the lobby was quiet which made sense, as it was almost midnight. 

frankie looked up from behind the reception desk almost instantly, reading glasses balanced low on his nose as he looked over the evening newspaper. 

“i showed you how to check your news on your phone, frank.” you grumbled as you leaned down to unclasp your heels, stepping out of them onto the cool flooring. 

his face brightened, “there’s my girl!” 

you smiled gently, holding the straps of your heels in hand, “hi frankie.” 

“how was the date with blondie?” he questioned casually, setting the paper down, offering his full attention. 

you couldn’t help but take note of his hopeful tone, like he already knew the answer he’d wanted. 

you sighed gently, walking over slowly before resting your elbows against the polished marble desk the way you had since you were little enough that you could barely see over it.

“it was…” you searched for the word, “really nice.” 

frankie smiled, “knew it would be.” 

you nodded, “he opened the door and pulled out my chair and everything.” 

frankie smiled amusedly, “oh?” 

“mhmm…” you sighed sleepily, “i only mentioned the pink peonies once when we were texting and he brought them.” 

frankie let out a low whistle, “impressive.” 

you laughed softly, eyes shutting as the silence that followed stretched just a little too long. 

frankie’s smile faded first, “you seem pretty sad for a girl who went on a really nice date.” 

your eyes fluttered open, meeting his own dark ones, “i thought if it went perfect, i’d feel better.” 

frankie’s brows furrowed gently, “he not the one?” 

his question was heavy, lingering between you for a moment because you simply didn’t want to utter the words. 

“no. he’s not my soulmate.” 

frankie’s shoulders deflated as he shook his head, “figured.” 

your eyes grew watery before you could stop it, “i really wanted him to be enough.” 

frankie reached across the desk and laid one weathered hand over yours, thumb rubbing gently across the back of your hand. 

“i spent most of the night thinking that this is what my soulmate should’ve been like.” 

the words hung heavily between you and frankie’s expression shifted to something sadder, full of understanding. 

“devils dick can suck a dick for all i care.” frankie huffed out and you couldn’t help but let out a watery giggle. 

shoko had told frankie to refer to your soulmate as devils dick when you were seventeen and he hadn’t strayed from it since. 

“he didn’t want me.” you confessed lowly, almost a whisper and frankie almost missed it if he wasn’t so focused, “i just thought it’d be different. like you and luanne.” 

frankie smiled at the mention of his wife, “luanne and i hated each other when we met.”

your eyes widened, “are you serious? you told me it was love at first sight, that you’d eloped the night you met.” 

frankie shrugged gently, “you were seven, i didn’t wanna crush your dreams.” 

your brows furrowed, huffing as you walked behind the desk, taking a seat on the desk facing him. 

“why did you hate each other? how? i mean, you’re both so obsessed with each other, it’s gross.” 

frankie chuckled a deep chuckle as he leaned back in his chair, “when we first met, she worked at this diner i walked into. i remember that i swore i’d never marry her. she called me an arrogant prick.” 

you snorted, “real.” 

“she was so angry at me, she started throwing bread rolls at my head.” 

that earned him another giggle, soft and real.

frankie smiled, “point is…life has a funny way of provin’ stubborn people wrong.” 

you looked at him for a second before your smile faded, “i don’t think sukuna’s stubborn. i think he’s already decided. he seemed pretty sure when he basically told me to fuck off.” 

frankie frowned, “i’ll kill him.” you looked down with a soft sigh, “either way, it’ll work out. sometimes fate asks for a lot more patient from you than she ever should.” 

your shoulders slumped, “i don’t think i have any patience left.” 

frankie’s heart squeezed, recalling the years he’d watched you feel your soulmate, the nights you came down already on your fourth cup of coffee because he’d kept you up. he’d seen you shut your eyes and blow out candles during every birthday, knowing all you’d wished for is for your soulmate to be good.

he’d watched little pieces of you shape themselves around someone you’d never even met. and now, he was watching those same pieces fall apart. 

you glanced at him with a small sigh, “i should head to bed.” 

frankie sighed gently, “alright, sweetheart. call me if ya need anythin’.” 

you nodded softly, leaning over to press a kiss to the old man’s wrinkled cheek, “night, frank.” 

“night, kid.” 

your bare feet padded softly as you made your way to the lift. 

and somewhere across the city, another man laid awake for the sixth week in a row. 

and neither of them knew that the other was also grieving.

∞

an | oops finally! chapter is v reader focused but next chapter will be the reunion ahhhhhh also SMUT omg ! this is kind of a transition chapter to show the grief cuz i know yall want the reader pissed but she's just a girl and she is GRIEVING so leave her alone !!!!