exhalations

Here it goes:: the topic today is PCOS.

PCOS means polycystic ovarian syndrome. There are a lot of things that you can google, but I am going to be talking about my own personal journey and what that means for me now in this moment in time. There’s TMI in here, but reading personal accounts has helped me broaden my mind and knowledge and has certainly helped me realize I’m not alone in my struggles.

First thing you should know is that while some little girls plan their weddings, I planned baby names. I used to say I wanted as many children as I could, and I have ALWAYS wanted to have a family of my own.

Body wise, I was healthy and “normal” until I was about 8 or 9 years old. I slowly gained weight and got “husky”, but nothing to be terribly concerned about. By 12, I was obese. I didn’t get my first period until I was 16, which some say is just being a late bloomer, but in my case was probably the beginning effects of PCOS.

At 11, my parents divorced and my dad and I went off our own way. We had a huuuge learning curve, and I remember eating spaghetti with sauce (and when that ran out - butter) for weeks at a time until he got paid again because spaghetti was cheap, cheap, cheap. We moved again and again and readjusted our lifestyle over and over so we would never have to go back to those rough days, but that period of time was when I went from “husky” to obese.

I hated my body and didn’t understand why eating what was presented as “healthy” as a child wasn’t helping me. At 14, I started dance classes and later tried out and made my high school drill teams. All the dancing and cardio didn’t help my waistline. I didn’t let anyone’s mean comments or my fat body stop me from dancing, which inspired some and repulsed others. I didn’t have regular periods which I chalked up to being so active and fat at the same time. A stressed out body could possibly decide that’s not the best place for a baby to grow, right??

Enter adulthood. Here’s a few things I learned::

1.) Bread is NOT healthy. My mother drilled in my head that bread is good for you and could be a good anytime healthy snack as well as something you HAD to eat at least twice a day. Not sure where she got that information because, especially with my body type, starch and carbs are the enemy. I didn’t learn this til much later, I will alert when it is time.

2.) I have ADD. Specifically, ring of fire ADD (NOT ADHD) which helped explain why I am patient and extremely slow to anger, but once I’m angry, just back off and let me blow off my steam to cool down again. I thought it was because I’m southern. This diagnosis was at the age of 19.

3.) I have PCOS. The doctor I went to perhaps had good intentions, but conveyed very incorrect information and can give you, the reader, a glimpse at how one obese patient was given said info.

At my first OBGYN appointment, she told me that with 95% accuracy, I definitely had PCOS. She glanced over what that meant, but then came to the part she grilled me on - my weight. My weight was most likely causing the PCOS so if I could just stop eating bad and go exercise, I could probably reverse the effects and have a normal body again. I explained that I had danced for years and hadn’t eaten that terribly since I had had to at 12, and she said that I simply must not have been exercising hard enough and eating too much. Insert a HUUUGE eye roll here because as any drill team alum know, it’s plenty.

The real troubling thing came next when I talked about my want for a family in the future. She looked at me very gravely and said that my chances for conception are extremely slim, and if I ever did successfully conceive and didn’t miscarry, I would need to quit my job and stay at home and never be stressed for the whole 9 months because I would be at a very high risk of miscarriage up until the baby came out. Also, “don’t get attached to the first one” because I will likely lose it. Reminder:: A REAL DOCTOR TOLD ME THIS. AT 19. For real.

Her solution: birth control. I was very weary of all types of female birth control because there are a lot of side effects. I took them for a few months, and then stopped.

I don’t hold any ill will towards her, but I later found out that that information is VERY incorrect. My journey however has included believing that lie until 2 years ago.

Shortly after that, I found out I had ADD, so I started taking adderall. I took a high dose because my fat body would absorb it, and when friends or whoever would ask my dosage and I’d tell them, they were horrified and assured me that my heart would definitely explode and they were surprised I wasn’t already dead as a door nail. That’s the problem with opinions, it’s all very personally based. They weren’t thinking of MY fat body at all.

The adderall worked wonders. I could concentrate! I could multitask! I stopped making so many dang piles! Mostly, I stopped eating. I ate regular or smaller meals at “regular” times in the day and if I skipped something, it didn’t matter because I was definitely not hungry.

On weekends, sometimes I would want a break. So I wouldn’t take my adderall and I’d sleep and sleep and sleep and then binge eat and go right back to sleep. My roommates were worried but I felt so healed and cleansed with all that sleep, I wasn’t worried at all.

I grew skinnier and skinnier, and my PCOS symptoms had began to disappear. I was having regular periods, I wasn’t growing hair in weird places, and BY GOD, I could cross my legs like a proper southern belle. Everyone was soooo proud. I was proud, my family, my friends. Everyone from high school was wondering, “how did she do it?!?” My self confidence grew, and for the first time in my life, I started dating.

One day, I met the man who would be my husband. We both expressed our want of children which raised a big ole question:: how could I treat my ADD without adderall? I was scared because I knew what being on adderall is like and what not being on it is like, and my identity as an adult had revolved around and relied on it. If I stopped the medicine, I would get fat again! I was just about to get into single digit clothing, I was beautiful, and yet, I knew I had to stop.

I couldn’t think of any good time to stop, so I just did cold turkey. I was ridiculously tired for 2 weeks, and then I started to feel normal again. Sure enough, I started gaining weight again, eating a lot more, etc etc. I had my soulmate, so it didn’t seem like such a bad deal, but it was depressing nonetheless. The cringes on faces when they saw my weight regain was painful, talks about “what happened to you???” stung, and I felt so ashamed.

Insert that number 1 revelation, bread is BAD. Bad, bad, bad. I learned all about processed foods, and tried the keto diet. It worked and I lost a little bit of weight, but it was unrealistic for long term. Once you’re off keto, all that weight springs back on you, and so it did.

After our marriage, I was off insurance for some time and when I got back on, I was put on metformin for my A1C. My day to day numbers are fine, but my A1C number was ridiculously high. It’s under control now, and we are looking to the next step.

I have researched PCOS and here is the real kicker:: it makes it hard to lose weight but if you could just lose weight, it would get the symptoms under control. However, one of the symptoms is that it is hard to lose weight. It’s a great big freakin’ circle. I’m not talking “stop eating bread” hard. I’m talking “don’t even think about looking at carbs” hard. The only thing that helped was dropping all carbs and then I got yelled at for a non balanced diet. IT’S FRUSTRATING!

Here’s my plan:: cut out things in baby steps.

Step 1:: no more drinking my sugar intake. Proud to say, I have completed this step. This is one southern woman who drinks UNsweet iced tea and water only, please.

Step 2:: no more fast food. Still working on this one, it’s so easy and yummy but I have cut it to once a week.

Step 3:: no more junk food.

Step 4:: healthy meals only.

The scary thing is that the help for conception is all very expensive. The words of my previous OBGYN keep swimming through my head. I struggle to force myself to go to baby showers because while I am thrilled for my friend and their new little one, I am envious and that is an ugly color. Every time I see a child that’s been abused, it makes me tear up because I would love to adopt a child and love them to pieces. Adoption isn’t an option for us sadly due to things out of our hands (still looking into this, but the process of adoption of American children is hard and expensive), but the thought still hurts.

God wouldn’t put such a strong desire for having children in my heart if I wasn’t meant to have any, right?

wow. when I stop things, I stop them hard.

cold turkey? in this case, yes. I used to smoke cigarettes and eventually just told myself “I am allergic” and stopped cold turkey. maybe cold turkey is actually the best. one day you just change your life and you never look back.

what exactly is the point in looking back? when you decide to make a change, just do it. if you don’t want to do something, DON’T! if it is a bit more sophisticated then just line up all of your ducks and make the change as soon as it is clear you can do it in one fell swoop.

maybe if you can’t do it cold turkey then you aren’t serious deep down. questions to ask yourself in the dark or anytime if you’re me (I am always open for a good philosophical question any old time.)

“free your mind and the rest will follow” - En Vogue

don’t let YOU prevent YOU from making a positive change. using my quitting smoking as an example, many of my thoughts were, “oh man, I reeeeeally need a cigarette! I know I told myself I would quit, but one more!!” did I need a cigarette? heck no. I wanted to quit because I knew it was stupid I started smoking in the first place and I’m personally not in any hurry to die. basically, I had already made a decision and I knew I couldn’t let me ruin my plan. I made sure to avoid my trigger places for a while until I was “on a roll” (like reading books on my porch which was terrible for me.) I had to free my mind of the feelings and thoughts until I was on a roll and... well... the rest followed!

the power is out and i am warm. this is really unpleasant. just waiting on oncor.

being without power and being powerless are two different things. in this case, i am without power because i rely on an energy company to cool me down in exchange for money. power = power. power in = power out. i am not powerless though because i have a hand fan. with the hand fan, i rely on my own energy to cool me down.

i have never wanted to only rely on others to get me what i want or need. i stopped taking ADD medication because i hated the idea of being on it forever. my future house will be home to a veggie garden. i have recently learned to make soap. what else can i do to minimize my dependence on others or goods or services??

confession time: growing up, i was a very shy and scared low human. not normal scared. more like scared-of-my-own-shadow, hide-behind-my-mom-and-or-dads-legs, can’t-watch-scooby-doo-without-a-mini-heart-attack-and-sprint-to-my-parents-bedroom kind of scared. my mom used to say i was scared of my own shadow. she tried to get me acclimated to scary movies too young. i swear that watching jaws at age 5 and poltergeist (the original) drove the nails into my intolerance for all things scary box.

the point is that i have a lot of anxiety with everyday occurances. i would love an office job but i am sort of terrified when i use the phone for any uses other than calling friends or family. if i don’t have your number in my phone, i will always let it go to voicemail and call back.

so imagine that the internet comes along in all of its webby glory and creates online ordering and payments. SWEET LORD ABOVE, THAT’S BRILLIANT!!!

now imagine you’d like to go on a cruise. so, you go online and fill everything out to get a price and then bookmark it for later.

NOW imagine you receive 1 phone call every day from your own personal cruise specialist. normal people think, “so? you can always tell her no.” and to people like me, you think, “gosh, this is her job! i am nervous to tell her no and also rather put off with talking to someone i don’t know. what if i call back? what if i don’t??”

a thousand questions. ultimately i won’t call her back. when i am ready to cruise, i will fill it all out again and then maybe i’ll get my husband to call back.

newness fades, hello.

negativity is all around. there are a few things that must be known first: 1. humans, by nature, are selfish creatures. 2. much of the negativity humans dish out is due to pain, at least initially. 3. it can be overcome. you don’t HAVE to be negative.

i grew up an optimist which is funny because i have been subjected to quite a bit of hell. i have the tendency to see the good in all people, situations, and things. if i can’t, RUN. haha, its not that simple, but you get the point, right?

when was the first time you were negative?

i am an only child and as such, i am fairly confident that i was negative about selfish things as a child. not getting a toy i wanted, not getting my way, …. whatever. the details aren’t as important as the reaction i got from my parents. my dad {i call him Pacha} is Mr. Optimistic, terminally so. he would always explore my thought process and try to see the whole picture of my tiny human problems so he could give me a full, thoughtful answer. my mom was the type to either ignore the issue, or if i kept on my soapbox, she would discuss other injustices in the world and remind me that my issue was not that bad. i think this is one area of parenting that they yin-yanged well in.

my Pacha was, and still is, a terminal optimist. he had cancer and all he kept saying was how thankful he was that he had wonderful people by his side and that it wasn’t that bad. the most negativity that has come out that man’s mouth is during his cancer treatment. he had cancer in a tonsil, so they removed tonsils and a lymph node. after a few treatments of radiation and chemotherapy, he was coughing up flesh and couldn’t swallow or eat anything and had a feeding tube inserted into his stomach. i remember going to his house and seeing him as weak as the last time i saw my mother before she died and it instantly made me feel sick to my stomach. he cried and told me he couldn’t do it anymore. he had lost so much weight, he looked brittle and weak. i didn’t think he could handle getting up off the couch, definitely not any more treatments.

here was Mr. Optimistic, my only living parent, my Pacha CRYING and being negative about his health. this is the most extreme case of being negative due to pain that i have encountered and it was heartbreaking.

most of the time, it’s not that obvious.

i grew up constantly thinking of others and their feelings. if i took a walk in their shoes, what would i do? that being said, i am not the boldest person around. “grow a backbone” gets said a lot, but having good manners and standing up for yourself are two different things. i seem to attract the fierce protectors who don’t want others to take advantage of what they see as naivety and then there are those who see a fully functioning gravy train that they intend to ride ‘til it breaks down.

it has taken me this long to do it, but i am purging my life of negative influences. i need positive people in my life to help keep me positive and allow me to be the best me that i can be.