agatesys vent blog

I wish I could kill myself but I should probably wait until I at least have that stupid pension, I don't want everyone relying on me to starve just because i was useless and selfish

theres no one i can talk to i just want to scream

maybe shouldn't be the time I think about all the exact phrases people said to me to completely unsubtly tell me my emotions didn't matter and should be boxed up

crazy how good of weather it is to smoke a cigarette alone and then die. kind of sucks that I have too much to do for that rn and also have like weird rules about smoking alone and also don't have my cigarettes

shaking

i can't breathe. I can't eat. all i can do is work or at least try to. nothing is working. it's all crumbling right in front of me and i can't trust anyone.

i want to be a little girl again i want to be my mom's favorite girl again what do I do

its just so stupid im gonna get to a point of dysfunction where literally no one wants to be around me anymore and then what? Then what

its just genuinely impressive how fucking useless I am on my own lol. Everything's a mess. Half this laundry hasn't been done consistently in months. I spend all my free time looking at porn and jacking off instead of anything worthwhile. I budget everything and then fuck it up. I don't leave the house. I barely remember to shower. Literally all I have going for me is: hasn't decided to do Every Substance, and im getting pretty close to that point!