Poly Journal

Had a profound day with Spots yesterday. Then today, hours and hours and hours without a word. No idea where she is, who she’s with, what she’s doing. I have lots of relationships where I don’t know what they’re doing from week to week, day to day, hour to hour. This... is different. We are different. She’s family. I know where Tristan, Finley, Carley all are. Every week, every day, every minute. I know where Ethan is most days, and he lives 700 miles away and I only see him a few times a year. So when we go hours and hours without a word I feel... unimportant. Unthought of. After a day of being the center of the universe... that’s really hard. After the great Lion implosion of 2016 my Zen, my self possession, has been absurdly fragile. This thing between us makes me... extreme. Heightened. The lows are the lowest. The highs are unbelievable. Today I didn’t implode. I didn’t contemplate ending this insanity. Freeing myself from the greatest and the worst feelings I’ve known. I waited. Quietly. I rode the insanity like a great wave. I held it in my heart in the desert. I allowed each moment to pass. Seconds, minutes, hours. They eased by. I focus on trust. Love. Hope. Passion. This is temporary. Her unintentional thoughtlessness is whim. She is unbridled chaos. She is what she is. If I expect nothing I can not be disappointed. 

The waves of this ocean bring us together. Closer, closer, closer. As one we draw a shuddering breath in climax. She feels like mine. I feel like hers.

We have these days that draw us in. Like a star pulling the cosmos in around it. We feel as inexorable as gravity. Until a supernova of closeness and intimacy. There are words. Secret whispering witnessed only by our rumpled sheets, disheveled pillows, and our perspiration covered bodies. Promises for the lives we’ve written and the future we barely have the courage to imagine.

After the supernova of these moments there is sometimes the dark day after. In the wake of light from that shock wave of bliss... is the immeasurably cold darkness of space, filling a void of seemingly infinite distance.

Spots is trouble. Mostly, I think, because she over promises and under delivers. She’s magic when she’s with me, but when she isn’t... it’s torture. Because I love her passionately, deeply. Because she’s a part of me, but we’re often apart. Because I care too much and I also expect too much. We were 24/7 D/s. Like babes in the woods. Over and over we tripped and fell and didn’t learn. Finally we had a week of minor breakdowns and failures and I realized that my perception of our relationship, of myself, and her was severely out of alignment with reality. Since then my Zen has been rabidly out of balance along with my self-possession. I’ve been unsure of myself and us ever since. We’ve rebooted the relationship, but my expectations continue to significantly exceed the threshold of what we can actually make real.

Spots is married. She’s in a DADT situation (updated: apparently her husband knows that we’re going out, but doesn’t want to know any details, officially, this blows my mind). From what I assume, her husband needs plausible deniability about her extra-curriculars. This makes it difficult to arrange and schedule time for us to be together. She’s also been in an incredibly high pressure job that has been an enormous time commitment. She’s usually late, sometimes by hours. More than a few times she cancels plans. Usually these things are out of her control. Often when she’s been drinking. When she drinks it can be to excess, though less lately. When she does indulge in excess she can be extremely erratic.

On the other hand, when we’re together it is magic. Even when it’s just a few minutes. It’s like a cloud break and a brilliant sun beam shines down and perfectly illuminates how lucky I am and how much joy I have to be with her.

First there is a concept, then there is consideration as that concept is refined. Then there is a plan. Finally, steps are taken to make that plan happen... or not. This tumblr is an idea to note the highs and lows, the remarkable about my relationships. These posts are meant for my own recollection and aren’t intended as entertainment. I may or may not share them with my loves and lovers. Ideas evolve and I expect this to as well.