For his pleasure

hoo boy, this isn’t easy to answer. Simply because many things that drew me to him as a dominant were things I felt rather than saw. But I’ve done some thinking and have come up with a few things that may help you.

First, don’t base your first impression on whether or not they seem like they’ll be a good “dominant” for you. LMS and I started off vanilla and got to know one another first before kink entered our lives. You need to enjoy being around and with the person first and foremost as people before you try it as sub/dom.

Second, how do they treat people that can’t benefit them personally? Like waitstaff and janitors and the like? A good dominant (not to mention a good person) will treat those people with the same amount of respect that they treat everyone else. 

Third, they are kind. Again, not just with people who they have to be nice to. Are they nice to grocery baggers? Are they nice to the elderly and animals? I’m not saying they have to be these super friendly, gregarious, santa type nice people. But they are nice to people in general. 

Fourth, they have and stand by their convictions but will also listen to another’s point of view and are willing to change their convictions if a more logical and beneficial counterargument is made. This is so important as it feeds directly into being able to grow as a dominant and as a person.

Fifth, they are protective. Note that I did not say possessive. Possessive implies insecurity in both one’s self and in the relationship. Protectiveness is the mindset of keeping what is yours, safe. This means spiritually, emotionally, and  physically. LMS allows me to live my life, go out with friends, visit family, etc because that is part of my being happy. He draws the line when the conditions of these situations are no longer safe for me in some way. ie He demanded that I stop halfway to coming home to him (from alabama) and stay in a hotel for the evening because I had been given a panic attack by a road ragey jackass on the interstate. A possessive partner would’ve demanded I kept driving or would have accused me of being overly dramatic or trying to get out of coming home to them. You see the difference?

Sixth. Confidence. And a quiet confidence at that. They won’t feel the need to boast or brag. They know their own worth and they are comfortable with who they are.

Seventh. They have manners. They are polite. 

Eighth. They are in control of themselves. If a dom you’re scoping out goes off the rail over something and is screaming and especially if they are violent, they are not in control of themselves.

Ninth. They know what they want and they will work to get it. This isn’t just about a partner, but life in general. They want that motorcycle? They will work and save up to get it. They won’t just sit around bitching about how they wish they could have it. Speaking of which…

Tenth. They own their actions and mistakes. They don’t blame anyone else for things not going exactly like they want to in life. They have very strong senses of personal responsibility. 

Intangibles. Okay so here’s the things I’ll try to give voice to but I apologize if it doesn’t make sense. When they look you in the eyes, your breath catches and you feel…hmm…exposed. Like they can see into the darkest corners of your mind and there’s nothing you could ever hide from them. Not only that but like a naked vulnerability. As if they can see right through your clothes. Their touch, the slightest touch, will send you into an existential crisis. Being around them thrills you, even if it’s just a coffee date. Others, and you, instinctively look to them for leadership and guidance. The kind of person who walks into a busy cafe and calmly starts a queue and everyone else suddenly goes to line up behind them. Their very presence is undeniable and impossible to ignore. The kind of person who never has to try to get your attention because your eyes have been drawn to them all night even though you’ve tried to stop several times. They pay attention! Not just to you when you’re talking but to everything around them. 

Also, I say all of this with the caveat that these are the things that I personally feel make a good dominant. Others will have different viewpoints. 

So there you have it. It’s all I could think of right now and I hope it helps!

I am not a huge fan of Dom-bashing, but your question is agood one so I am compelled to offer up some red-flags.  If a would-be Dominant falters in one ofthese areas, don’t write him off completely, but do pay closer attention.  It may be that he is a Top, a kinkster or aplay partner.  There’s nothing wrong withbeing any of those three, but he shouldn’t be pretending to be a Leader.

1.      A fakeDominant thinks his penis will motivate you to submit.  A real Dominant will have you begging for amere glimpse of His cock.

2.      A fakeDominant will insist that you refer to him by a title of respect.  A real Dominant knows that that title hasto be earned in order for it to have meaning. He would rather go without the title than for it to be rendered meaningless.

3.      A fake Dominantwill try to talk you out of your hard limits. A real Dominant will ask you for your hard limits and will respectthem.  After much time and the creationof trust, the limits can be discussed further. But if a would-be Dominant has you immediately second-guessing yourlimits or making you feel bad for having them, he is likely a fake.

4.      A fakeDominant will say you don’t need a safe word.  This is much debated – to my surprise – but thisis how I feel.  A real Dominant knowsthat there are any number of reasons when you might feel unsafe mentally orphysically and you need to put an immediate stop to whatever is happening.  Be cautious if the Dominant says you don’tneed one.  Unless you’ve been with himfor many years and have saved up a lot in the “trust bank,” have a safe word.

5.      A fakeDominant will care more about how you can serve him than how he can help yougrow.  There is no question thatservice is a part of most Leader/follower dynamics, but a real Dominant knowsthat you are His responsibility and He should develop a plan for your personalgrowth as a follower.

6.      A fakeDominant will care more about fucking you physically than mentally.  There’s no question that physical experiencesare a major part of the dynamic, but a real Dominant knows that the submissive’sbrain must be properly opened and fucked before that can properly happen withher physical body.

7.      A fakeDominant sucks at handling conflict. Life happens and conflict is a part of life.  When the going gets tough, how does herespond?  Does he show grace?  Does he try to see your perspective?  Does he mentally check out?  Does he make you think you are always atfault?  A real Dominant will understandthat neither one of you is perfect.  Hewill focus on what is right…not WHO is right.

8.      A fakeDominant has not thought through his rules and expectations for a submissive.  This is a sure sign that he is not serious abouta relationship.  Most real Dominants havegiven thought to what they need in order to thrive.  They take the time to codify those boundariesinto rules.  They will put time in with apotential submissive to make sure that she understands the rules beforeaccepting her submission and holding her accountable to the rules.

9.      A fakeDominant will not take the time to know you as a person before asking for pictures of yourbody.  I know that pictures can helpin verifying that you are who you are saying you are, but you can do thatwithout sending pictures of your private parts. A real Dominant will not rush to demanding nude photos of a potentialsubmissive.  

10.  A fakeDominant doesn’t have his shit together. I don’t want to be too critical with this point, but be wary of aDominant when you can tell that their life is a cluster-fuck.  What makes you think your relationship withhim go any differently.  I know that youmay have met him at a bad time in his life and that he may just be intemporarily bad place.  Just watchout.  A real Dominant is likely going tokeep his shit together.