Shay

When I proposed to my girlfriend, she was deep into her regression. She got really hyper and excited immediately, running around the house in her wet diaper.

“Daddy, can I have a batch…um… a Batch-er-ette Party?” She bit her lip before ‘remembering’ what those parties were called.

She and her ‘school friends’ went to the mall last week. Today, she came home with new bedazzled shorts. The low-rise jean shorts showed off her midriff and the waistband of her pull-ups. She still knew how to make me go crazy. I had to be married to her.

I realized in the moment that she probably didn’t know what a Bachelorette Party was, so I decided to pivot to a conventional party.

Each Daddy brought their little to our place for a ‘special sleepover’. Cake was eaten, then we watched a double feature of Frozen and Tangled.

Over whiskey, us dads decided that diaper checks were not necessary tonight. We watched from afar as the bottoms swelled and the girls got sleepy, curled up with their favorite stuffies on our basement couches.

That gap in her front teeth? It’s coming back.

He’ll loosen a front tooth when I want the Tooth Fairy to visit.

Her retainer will stay in at all times. Get ready to lisp your way through the day!

(Note: my work schedule is Tuesday-Saturday)

Tuesday

Morning: Skip breakfast, grab a coffee on the way to the office.

Attire: Business Casual (Polo + Khakis)

Work: Normal 9am-5pm shift. I go out to lunch with my work friends.

Night: Cook dinner for my girlfriend and I.

Wednesday

Morning: Cereal

Attire: Graphic tee and jeans

Work: 9:15am-5:30pm shift. I bring leftovers for lunch.

Night: Mac & Cheese with hot dogs for dinner, then weeknight drinks with my friends. My girlfriend picks me up from the bar after my curfew.

Thursday

Morning: I wake up and have fully soaked my Goodnite. Mom can’t find out, so I plan to hide the evidence. I get distracted by playing Mario Mart on my DS, so Mom finds the pull-up lying in the middle of my room.

Attire: Racecar T-shirt, jeans and underwear.

Work: My productivity is low. Adult me finished most of my tasks yesterday.

Night: Mom makes me dinner and she watches her favorite shows while I draw and play on my DS. She demands that I put on a nighttime diaper before bed.

Friday

Morning: Mommy wakes me up and makes me French Toast. She waits until late morning to change my diaper.

Attire: Mommy usuals picks overalls. I don’t really notice when she dresses me. If we must go out, I need to be in my favorite light-up shoes or else I have a tantrum.

Work: I work from home. Mommy reads all of my emails to make sure I use the right big words.

Night: I eat chicken nuggets and watch SpongeBob with Mommy. I’ve been in the same diaper since the morning, so Mommy checks me to make sure I don’t leak on the furniture. I play with my stuffies and toys until either Mommy starts rubbing my diaper or I start humping my stuffies. My girlfriend and I clean up, shower and go to bed.

Saturday

Adult me returns. I follow Tuesday’s schedule to a tee.

Morning: My girlfriend comes out her room hung over after I’ve gone to work. She pours herself some cereal. She checks her Goodnite. It’s wet, but she lies to me via text that she was “all dry last nite”.

Attire: She sheds her pink pajamas for an all-black Paramore shirt and ripped jeans. The waistband of a pull-up peak out when she does her chores around the house.

Work: She does her homework. I need to help to make sure she passes the bar, so I call her from work when I see her scrolling social media in her bed.

Night: We snuggle and watch a rom-com. I diaper her and whisk her away to bed.

Monday

Morning: I wake my baby up and make eggs and bacon. Her diaper is droopy, so I change her into a fresh one right after she’s done eating. I also throw a diaper on for the hell of it.

Attire: I let my baby pick what to wear in her closet. She’s inconsistent as a little. Once, she decided to wear my sweatshirt around the house with nothing else on all day! On normal Mondays, she picks a purple dress that she often wears backwards or inside out.

Work: My baby skips out on Monday classes. Her professors think she has to work. This is a half truth; she spends her day working hard on perfecting the coloring worksheets that I’ve given her.

You’re not sure what to expect, so it comes as a surprise when the teacher hands you a completed test.

You pull a pencil out of your book bag and erase all 100 questions.

Next, it’s time for all the lectures. Day after day, you listen to your teachers drone on-an-on *in reverse* about math, history, science, and art.

When it comes time for the last day of 12th Grade, you and your Mommy are not sure if the school is working. You feel normal!

However, when the teacher hands you a test, but you struggle to understand the questions.

Who was the French President during the Revolution? You can’t name anyone French, so you guess C.

What’s the capital of Jamaica? You don’t even know if that’s a real country! Sounds made up.

Lucky for you, a 25% grade is passing on this multiple choice test.

Mommy’s very proud of you when you come home and you’re served breakfast for dinner, one of your favorites.

—

Losing your license is a right of passage at RHS.

You bully the Freshmen who have lost more social skills than you, but it’s mostly out of jealousy. You and your friends dream about what it’s like at Reverse Middle and Elementary School.

Some Mommies and Daddy’s pull their little’s out after Middle School, but you are all planning to be friends all the way back to Kindergarten.

—

Losing your Sex Ed makes you feel weird, but Mommy says it’s okay. Just rub your diaper, she says. This fun activity helps your mood out during your boring reverse lectures.

You’re a little unsure why the Sex Ed course reignited your bedwetting, but you feel better when Lexi, the hottest girl in school, begins rocking a crop top and skinny jeans with a pull-up peaking out of her waistband.

—

The months go by fast after your high school demotion. Mommy says that mental decay happens much quicker than learning in school. Middle and Elementary Uneducation only takes a single school year.

You’re having fun un-reading Percy Jackson and forgetting long division. Mommy begins setting up playdates when you become too awkward to make plans yourself.

You and Lexi stop hanging out together. You loved rubbing your pull-ups together at lunchtime. You’re not sure why Mommy stopped inviting her over. Maybe your diapers were getting too sticky?Mommy’s such a meanie sometimes. At least she’s good at changing your nighttime diapers.

—

Once you’ve passed Potty Training with enough wet diapers, you can move to Reverse Elementary.

Mommy doesn’t like your diapers messy, so you’re pulled out of Advanced Potty Training.

Lucky for you, it gives you more time to forget language. This is why Mommy chose this school out of all the other regression academies.

By Week 4, you are back to Magic Treehouse. Mommy then takes you to a zoo where you call all four-legged animals “Doggie and Kitty”.

The world is really small by your final month in school. Mommy takes you out for ice cream in celebration for “passing” your last spelling test. Mommy is pleased to notice your speech impediment reappear two days later. No more Rs and Ls anymore! Mommy treats you to “Chocowate Ice Cweam” from your favorite shop to celebrate.

—

The Final Demotion is a beautiful ceremony. The class of 27 students waddle out in the auditorium. Lexi stops halfway and pouts, shouting “I DON’ WANNA!”

The kindergarten teacher speaks to her softly out of earshot, but the girl doesn’t cooperate.

“Pants are for big girls, I not a big girl.” She says slowly, tears welling up in her eyes. Her bulging skinny jeans are nearly ripping around her large pink diaper.

Losing your decency is a great sign of the student’s regression, so Mr. Jones leans into Lexi’s desires. He carefully pulls off the jeans to reveal her wet princess themed diaper. She’ll go through the rest of the ceremony in her Blue’s Clues shirt, pink diaper and velcro light-up sneakers.

The mommies and daddies in the crowd all applaud as the students give back their elementary school diplomas that they earned 15-25 years prior.

Always

Be

Doing