more ideas, please.

This blog has become a space for mostly venting, non sequitor rambling, and existential crises 😅. Feel free to stay, but also check out my new blog, which is focused on personal projects, travel, and more cohesive thoughts. 🙂

I found this 2015 look back I never posted. Complex feelings reading it now and seeing how far I’ve come, especially comparing this to my 2016 blog post (http://shaoch.tumblr.com/post/155016801635/2016). Thought I’d post it here for safe keeping, just the way I had written it then - raw and unedited, with no closure.

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Looking back before looking forward

If I had to characterize 2015, it was truly a year of learning and coming into my own. Not only did I turn 30, but there were also number of personal and professional milestones, for better or for worse.

While new years are all about resolutions, I think it's worth taking a moment to look back on 2015:

I had my heart broken for real. I never realized how many songs were about love until the breakup, and suddenly I could relate to all the sad ones, the ones that felt over the top before. I realized how universal of an experience heartbreak is, and in a way I'm glad I got to share in that very human experience.

I found ways to get through the days that were hardest. I'd never been in such a dark place. The number of those days slowly decreased over time. In the end, only time was able to heal the wound, but I also found yoga, one of the best things to come of 2015. I advanced leaps and bounds over where I started at the beginning of the year, and even traveled to Belize to practice yoga.

I became a manager. I wondered what that meant and how I would know if I was any good at it. I wondered how long i should give it before giving up on it, or knowing if I would know if I liked it. About 8 months into it, I did know, and I liked it. I also had enough validation to know I was good at it. Believe it or not, learning to be a good manager also helped me become a better family member and friend.

I actually stopped believing in love. I forgot what it felt like to be excited about someone. I may not know what it feels to find the right one but I know what it feels like to settle.

I learned that the easiest way to be happy is to prioritize the people who prioritize you. I remember the pangs and the jealousy that causes me to keep my guard up and not get too close to anyone.

I feel like I don’t have permission to be happy. With all the racism, sexism, lower case kkk-ism being perpetuated in America, it feels like enjoying myself would be irresponsible. The worst part about it is that I don’t know how to do anything about it. Yes I know anyone can make a difference - I can protest, donate, make phone calls - but at the end of the day, I really am at a loss as to how this problem can be solved.

This is place I go when my heart needs a little love. 

I have no regrets. whatever happens, happens. 

It was gone as quickly as it appeared

Beware words spoken may not be true

A hard lesson to learn when TRUST clouds judgment

Remember that it’s best to rely on thyself

And harder now to be vulnerable.

wow, 2016 is going to be a hard year to beat. even though the world went to shit in a lot of ways, it was a personal best for me. 

I have a recurring new years resolution to visit 1 new country and 1 national park each year. This year I: 

- Traveled to Korea, Taiwan, Canada, Argentina and Peru, adding 3 new countries to the tally. 

- Visited Jasper, Banff, Iguazu Falls, Macchu Picchu, and Yosemite national parks. 

- Within the US I went to Portland, Vail, New York, and Las Vegas. 

At work I got promoted, launched a new function, and also took on a new team, tripling the number of my direct reports. I’m happier at work than I’ve ever been. 

I finally moved out of a 7 year rental and bought a condo in San Francisco (this line item could be an essay in itself). 

I lost some weight (“some” because I don’t have a scale lol), got in shape, learned how to do a bunch of yoga inversions and am happy with my body.

I actually found someone I want to date… and I think we might be dating (the fact that it’s a question proves that some things never change). 

The best part of 2016 though isn’t that I accomplished a checklist of items (some of which I didn’t know were in the stars at the beginning of the year), it’s that I feel like I might just have reached that place at the top of Maslow’s pyramid known as self-actualization. For a while I couldn’t even comprehend the meaning behind that elusive state, but now I can feel it: I’m exactly where I want to be.  

So much of my life has been spent searching - for material things, for belonging, for friends, for lovers, for affirmation, for the right job. At times I knew something was missing but I didn’t know what it was.

as expected, my type has evolved over the years. I feel like in my 30s I finally have clarity on who I want on my team. instead of tall, dark and handsome, now I realize I need someone who: 

- can keep up with me 

- isn’t intimidated by me

- and that I can respect. 

I’ve always been a fan of the Gilmore Girls - hell, I named my flute and piccolo after Lorelai and Rory - and I just finished watching the Netflix revival. Man is it refreshing to see the producers bring Rory back in her 32 year old self, unmarried, path uncharted. I just had the realization that I’m no longer 30 (as I just had a birthday) and I can honestly say that being in my 30s has been the best year from all perspectives and most fun I’ve ever had. I couldn’t ask for more from life. I realized that I have to recognize when I’m happy in the moment because it’s always easier to remember when I’m happy in the past - and here, right now is full acknowledgement that I am HAPPY, which is my one goal in life.

since I’ve been single I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be on a roller coaster of emotions since I get to be in control of my emotions all of the time (so nice).