Shakespeariian

“At times I am so concerned that one moment I’m going to turn my back and you’ve found yourself in a coffin. Could you for just once relax and let me go to the lab without getting a call? I just need one night to get this research done and you can continue all of the havoc.”

“Please.” Her voice trembles almost in time with her hands. “I just need a ride to the bus station. I’m not asking for anything major… Just a ride.” Hand slipping into her back pocket she pulls out her wallet. “I’ll pay for the gas to get me there and you back. I wouldn’t ask if I wasn’t desperate.”

I have aggressive anxiety. I want whoever takes the time to read this know that. I spent 8 years of my life (those where people do the most important growth and development) completely dependent on one person. I only thought about him, I only did things because of him, I only felt things about myself because of him. I was not a person. It’s taken years to combat that. To get myself to a place where I can think for myself and feel like an actual person and know where I stand-ish. Because of the pain I caused people and all of the people I pushed away I am constantly at odds with the fear that I am the problem. I know that it’s something everyone faces, but mine has always been to a point where I am unable to live my life because of it. There is not a moment where I think I am not causing someone annoyance, pain, or inconvenience. It causes very manic episodes in my moods. I apologize for this and never mean to offend or push people away with these. It’s hard to control this anxiety and I am doing everything I can. If you are willing I ask for some patience and a little understanding if I ever go too far. I am trying to gain a grip with this and my depression. It just takes time. 

“I’m not ignoring you. I’m just choosing to selectively place my attention on this article and this chocolate pudding.”