If you’re an angel, you will suffocate on earth

Layering perfumes where one's longevity is no more than 4 hours while the other lasts into the next day like those beautiful once in a lifetime loves where a lover tragically passes away early leaving the other to grow old alone with a heart still buried deep in what was lost long ago

Idk how to word it better it feels like I self-sabotaged and broke up a relationship with thousands of sweet people

It doesn't help that my coworkers are also into the very streamers that I was in a friend group and streaming with and I just have the wound opened back up every so often. I miss the memories and my dreams at the time and my ex that I also lost as a result of my mental collapse. If I delete all thats left to relate to this I will eventually heal the hole and be able to ignore if most of the time

and my conclusion though is everyone does hate me and even if not true it's true in my own mind so it's true it's as true as any truth could be, and my viewers only cared cause they were presented with a highly curated palletable version of me and I wAs happy and fine with that till I wasn't and couldn't take another second acting in any sort of way. I'm a borderline monotone mute at work. I don't want to act ever ever ever again

When I occasionally log into my old streaming discord server every few months I get sick to my stomach with grief. People stay active and still converse and make inside jokes from my streams and talk about me and and I feel immense guilt and sorrow for giving such a thing up because of my brain collapsing in on itself. I had a group of friends and so many people that actually seemed to care about me but my brain wouldn't stop cracking and splitting and I keep debating deleting the server (the last remnant of anything to do with that period of my past) I want to be invisible I want to wilt away away from sunlight in peace but at the same time Im trying to build a life back up again through my own more sincere artistic expression without the pressure of others gaze. Brains a pan fried egg, overcooked, all blackened and sticking to the pan. I'm trying hard, I'm trying to free myself from every outside eye without suicide. My last resort. A painful and so so hard struggle but one I intend to push through. I love them all so much, those who watched me, but please allow me to kill that part of me with peace in them all. If I could I would marry every single one of them. I'm obsessed with their attention and miss it. How lucky I was to get such sweet and kind attention from a medium otherwise so tarnished by the most disgusting hearts. I know so much about a lot of them since they were regulars. In my mind we are friends but I will not allow them to think such about me. I love them I love them so much and would gladly die to gaunretee a good life for each and every one of them.