💜💜💜

Draconic sorcerer (let the world burn) 

Fun rating: ★★★☆☆

Usefulness: ★★★★☆

How it works- This build utilizes the elemental affinity characteristic from the sorcerer class to deal crazy fire damage with scorching ray. Trying it out, it was very effective- especially if you take the elemental adept feat or use arsonist oil. BUT, I rated it 3/5 for fun because it doesn't really get going until level 6 which means you're playing a basic sorcerer for most of act 1.

Levels~

-Don’t take scorching ray till later, around level 5 or 6. It's the main feature of the build, but doesn't do good accuracy or damage till later levels.

-Take ability score first feat for charisma

-Level 8 Take elemental adept or alert

-Counterspell is your bestie

-Just to stay on brand, try and grab good fire spells, replacing when they're upgraded. Like once you get scorching ray, chromatic orb won't be as necessary and can be swapped out.

-Heightened magic for disadvantage on hold person/hold monster saves 

-Level 12 Ability score or resilient (constitution)

Equipment: 

Nature’s snare- locked chest in the underground passage of the druid’s grove

 Hat of fire acuity- strange ox act 2

Callous glow ring- locked room by balthazar in shar temple act 2

Luminous gloves- in chest by ruined battlefield act 2

Markoheshkir staff act 3, in sorcerers sundries below boss fight

Subzero wizard

Fun rating: ★★★★★

Usefulness: ★★★★☆

How it works- This build takes some setup but is 1000% worth it. It utilizes the free mage armor cast you get from warlock level 2, the extra damage of a tempest cleric (and create water), and mixes it with an abjuration wizard to make an untouchable tank. Cast armor of agathys, get people wet, and you don't even have to attack people, just walk past them! They'll kill themselves by attacking you.

Levels~

-2 levels of warlock great old one (armor of agathys as a spell, armor of shadows and agonizing blast) 

-1 level tempest cleric (can take 2 for destructive force but you'll be doing mostly ice damage so it's not necessary)

-Take dual wielder as first feat

-Fire shield (level 10)

-Stoneskin (level 11)

-Ability score improvement (level 8 wizard)

-Conjure elemental (level 12)

Equipment:

Act 1 Mourning frost/Spellsparkler

Winter’s clutches- Rosynmorn monastery trader lady

Necklace of elemental augmentation- inquisitors chamber creche

Act 2 Fleshmelter cloak- House of healing morgue

Coldbrim hat - Locked chest hidden room balthazar bookcase, have to have Nere's head to solve the puzzle.

Boots of arcane bolstering- araj, blood trader in moonrise

Snow burst ring- last light inn hidden in floorboards in room on bottom floor near the bar

Act 3 Hellrider longbow- Ferg Drogher in Rivington

Bonespike garb, dragonborn weapon seller in Rivington

Divination nuh uh wizard

So I actually lied, this is the only one I made by myself just because I love divination wizards so much.

Fun level- ★★★★☆

Usefulness- ★★★★★

How it works- Divination wizards get random dice rolls at the beginning of every long rest that they can use to change rolls throughout the day. You rolled a 1? Nah actually I'm pretty sure you rolled a 19 ;) Or alternatively just used to bully enemies; you hit me? Ehhhh I don't think you did- forces them to miss. This is basically just piling on every piece of equipment that increases spell save DC to make saving against your spells impossible.

Levels~

- Take resilient (Constitution) feat

- Highest intelligence possible

- This is a really great support build, taking spells like hold person/monster, confusion, fear etc are great bc enemies will rarely save against your spells.

Equipment~

Act 1 Melf's first staff, Blurg myconid colony

Act 2 Fistbreaker helm moonrise merchant

Robe of exquisite focus moonrise merchant

Infernal rapier, bring wyll to the ketheric fight to save zariel's asset and ask Mizora for a reward afterwards

Ketheric shield

Act 3 Hood of the weave- Mystic Carrion in Philgrave’s Mansion

Robe of the weave- Ramazith’s tower

Gauntlets of the tyrant/Helldusk gloves- Dropped by Gortash/Haarlep

Cloak of the weave- Helsik, devil’s fee

Amulet of the devout- Stormshore Tabernacle

Bard/Cleric (aka the best support you could ever ask for) 

Fun level: ★★☆☆☆

Usefulness: ★★★★★

How it works: You're here to be a tank, healer, and have amazing support spells. The usefulness of this build is INSANE. It can make a great party face, being primarily a bard, but in my opinion the actual combat for this character is helping your team do well which isn't the most invigorating. You can tweak to have more damage spells, but for this build it's a 2 or 3/5 for fun.

Levels~

-1 level of life cleric, gives heavy armor proficiency

-11 levels of bard 

-Resilient (Constitution)/Alert for first feat

-Heavy armor master is a great feat for this tank or dual wielder if you want two good weapons

Equipment~

Act 1 Hellriders pride- steal from zevlor, easiest way is to let aradin knock him out, but can steal them off him later anyway

Whispering promise, bought from Volo. I don't think it gives the option in dialogue, you have to click the trade button.

Boots of aid and comfort- grat in goblin camp

Mystra staff- wizard tower in underdark

Ring of salving- Omeluum after parasite 

Blood of Lathander- creche

Cloak of protection- act 2 trader last light inn

Reviving hands- steal from stormshore tabernacle merchant

Amulet of the devout- stormshore tabernacle basement

Helm of Balduran- dragon quest with Wyll

Viconia’s walking fortress- shar mother superior, house of grief

Darkfire shortbow- dammon act 3 only

Magic missile go brr

Fun level: ★★★★★

Usefulness: ★★★★☆

How it works: Today we make magic missile terrifying using reverbation. Yes it works, yes it's hilarious every time. And most enemies in the game aren't resistant to force damage :)

Levels~

-Sorcerer until level 10 then respec into evocation wizard

OR, depending on your style

-Divination wizard until level 10 then respec into evocation

-Magic missile and some utility spells is all you'll really need.

- Let priestess gut brand you

Equipment~

Act 1 Spell sparkler, counsellor Florrick reward for saving her at Waukeen's rest

Phalar Aluve, underdark stuck in a stone

Gloves of belligerent skies- Creche inquisitor 

Psychic spark necklace- myconid colony blurg

Pearl necklace- Omeluum 

Ring of absolute force- sergeant thrimm grymmforge

Act 2 Ne'er miss crossbow- moonrise merchant

Spellcrux amulet- warden moonrise 

Callous glow ring- locked room by Balthazar in the shar temple

Act 3 Celestial haste bow- steelwatch titan

Helm of Balduran- Ansur questline reward

Cloak of displacement- Danthelon's dancing axe

Armor of persistence- Dammon, act 3 only

Ranger rogue, two handed archer 

Fun level: ★★★☆☆

Usefulness: ★★★★☆

How it works: You'll be a normal archer until around level 8 and in act 2, hence the docking of points for fun level- but it's all worth it in the end. This is a consistently good build that pumps out great damage through every act. The basic premise is dual wielding hand crossbows and using the thief subclass from rogue to get two bonus actions, garunteeing four arrow shots per REGULAR turn, without any haste or bloodlust shenanigans.

Levels~

-Start by going 5 levels into ranger, taking gloom stalker as your subclass

-I'd recommend the eldritch knight (I think that's what it's called) option in preferred prey, it gives you heavy armor proficiency- which isn't necessary, but could be good for act 1-2.

- Level 6, multi-class into rogue for four levels. Take thief as subclass

-At level 10 respec and start as fighter for 1 level to get better proficiencies and health.

-1 fighter, 5 ranger, 4 rogue, 2 fighter 

-Take champion subclass in fighter

-Sharpshooter as your first feat!!

-Ability score improvement (dexterity) or Alert

Equipment~

Act 1 Good bow until act 2, Titanstring (with the club of hill giant strength), gandrel's inspiration, etc..

Archery gloves- goblin camp trader

Caustic band- mushroom merchant underdark

Strange conduit ring- inquisitors chamber creche

Cat’s grace armor- Rosynmorn monastery trader

Knife of the under mountain king- creche merchant

Act 2 Ne’er misser- moonrise merchant 

Shield of devotion- last light lady

Archer hat OR circlet of hunting- moonrise merchants

Cloak of cunning brume- mattis last light 

Risky ring- blood trader moonrise merchant (would replace strange conduit if you chose the Archer hat instead of circlet ^)

Hellfire hand crossbow- Yurgir in shar temple when killed

Act 3 Armor of agility- stormshore armoury

Legacy of the masters- Dammon act 3 only

Amulet of Bhaal- Murder tribunal, can kill Sarevok or impress him

Reverbarb

Fun level: ★★★★★

Usefulness: ★★★☆☆

How it works: Inflict reverbation on bleeding targets, maiming and proning them. An absolutely vicious build that doesn't struggle in any act. It's incredibly fun, but can struggle against hard to hit targets or really spaced out enemies. Wouldn't recommend running this and magic missile build together since they use most of the same items :)

Levels~

-Wikdheart subclass aspect of the tiger/badger (later on) make people bleed!

-The cleave ability you get while raged with aspect of the tiger is infinite, so don't be afraid to use it even if you're only hitting one person, to keep bleed stacks up.

-Great weapons master is an incredible feat for barbarians, since reckless attack basically counteracts the -5 attack penalty.

-Ability score for strength and Mobile are great feats for this as well.

-Get branded by priestess Gut

Equipment~

Act 1 Boots of stormy clamour- Omeluum, underdark

Gloves of belligerent skies- Inquisitors chamber, creche

Ring of absolute force- grymmforge seargant Thrimm

Titan string bow- zentyrim trader

Act 2 Halberd of vigilance- moonrise towers trader

Ring of spiteful thunder- moonrise merchant

Cloak of protection- last light trader

Bull strength armor- last light trader

Act 3 Deadshot bow- stormshore armoury 

Bonespike garb- weapon merchant, Rivington

Bonespike helmet- undercity ruins ancient rune circle dude

Amulet of greater health- house of hope

Shadow assassin

Fun level: ★★★★★

Usefulness: ★★★☆☆

How it works: A dual wielding rogue monk shadow assassin. Fun points are almost entirely for how cool you feel doing this. Relies on attacking in darkness though, so you'll want party members who can see through darkness, or better yet- also play in darkness.

Levels~

-1 level fighter

-6 levels shadow monk

-3 levels thief rogue 

-1 level great old one warlock

-1 level fighter

Equipment~

Act 1 Knife of the under mountain king- creche trader

Strange conduit ring- creche inquisitors chamber

Disintegrating night walkers- Nere's dead body

Banshee bow- dwarf trader at grymmforge

Act 2 Ever sight ring, looted from chest in house of healing morgue

Sword of life stealing- dammon act 2

Covert cowl- looted from chest in the 'investigate last light inn' quest

Yuan-ti scale mail- last light trader

Helldusk gloves- Dammon if given materials

Cloak of the cunning brume- Mattis at last light

Shadow cloak ring (act 2 but best used in act 3)- Can be looted from the shadow mastiff in a cursed camp north of the ruined pottery. The nearby everburning torches must be destroyed before the Mastiff will appear.

(Act 3) Saravok's horned helmet

Deadshot bow- stormshore armoury

Shade slayer cloak- Guildhall, sticky dondo

Bloodthirst (Orin knife) 

Amulet of greater health- house of hope

Armor of agility- stormshore armoury

Helldusk gloves/legacy of the masters- dammon act 3

Helldusk boots- wyrms rock fortress, found in a locked Gilded Chest on the top floor

Bard Archer 

Fun level: ★★★★★

Usefulness: ★★★★☆

How it works: From the high charisma to the insane damage, this is easily one of the best builds on the list for a main character. You're set for dialogue and fights, not to mention access to plenty of spells if your bow just isn't cutting it. And to top it all off? You feel strong right from act 1.

Levels~

-Levels 1-6 Bard, college of swords subclass

-3 levels ranger for gloomstalker subclass

-3 levels fighter, champion subclass (or more levels in the others for more feats. This is mainly for action surge and crit chance.)

- (If you took fighter) You'll only get one feat without mods, so take sharpshooter.

- (If no fighter) Take dual wielder.

-Take ethel's boon to get dexterity up to 18 (assuming it started as 17)

Equipment~

Act 1 Gloves of archery- goblin camp trader

Titan string bow- Zentyrim

Club of hill giant strength- underdark wizard tower stool, top floor. Break the stool to get the weapon.

Caustic band- mushroom trader, myconid colony

Nere's boots

Graceful cloth- rosynmorn monastery trader lady

Knife of the undermountain king- creche trader

Amulet of branding- Kill the creche trader, it's on her body

Act 2 Callous glow ring- locked room by balthazar in shar temple

Surgeons amulet- house of healing boss

Risky ring- Blood trader moonrise

Marksman hat- moonrise merchant

Cloak of protection- last light trader

Act 3 Bhaalist armor (potentially on another member, whoever is closest to enemies)- become an unholy assassin, the trader that appears has it

Deadshot bow/Gontr Mael (either work)- stormshore armoury/steel watch titan

Legacy of the masters- dammon act 3 only

Amulet of bhaal (murder tribunal) 

Rhapsody- Cazador's dead body

Bloodthirst- Orin

Saravoks helmed helmet 

Armor of agility- stormshore armoury

Band of the mystic scoundrel (maybe)- piss off the Djinni at the circus by stealing his ring and winning his game. The ring is looted from a backpack where you're sent to. (It's not a vital item, just a fun one)

Yeet barbarian 

Fun level: ★★★★★

Usefulness: ★★★★★

How it works: Abuse the tavern brawler feat to make the funniest build ever. And I don't mean abuse as in its a glitch- it's just a niche feat and it makes this build beautiful. Not only is it funny, it's STRONG, and fast! You're having a blast from the second you land.

Levels~

-5 levels berserker barbarian 

-Tavern brawler 

-4 levels rogue, thief subclass

-Ability score improvement

-Finish with 3 levels fighter for champion

-17 strength, 14 Dex, 16 Con 

Equipment~

Act 1 Ring of flinging- emerald grove halfling trader

Returning pike- goblin camp trader

Sparkle hands- Chest by big tree a bit away from auntie ethel's house. Can also be found by following the investigate Kagha quest.

 Haste helm- blighted village chest

Gloves of uninhibited Kushibo- mushroom merchant in underdark after saving her husband

Act 2 callous glow ring- locked room next to Balthazar in shar temple

Killers sweetheart- self same trial shar temple  

Mighty cloth- Last light trader

Cloak of elemental absorption- Ketheric's bedroom in moonrise

Act 3 Nyrulna- Anger the Djinni at the circus in Rivington by stealing his ring and winning his game. Weapon is in the chest at the end of where he sends you.

Rhapsody/bloodthirst (if dual wielding)- cazador/orin

Bhaalist armor- become an unholy assassin

Helmet of grit- cazador palace cursed body

Deadshot bow- stormshore armoury

Cleric/sorc lightning build 

Fun level: ★★★★☆

Usefulness: ★★★☆☆

(I wrote this down for someone else and do not know which video was used. 🥲 and I personally haven't tested it, but my partner used it in our playthrough so I've seen it firsthand.)

How it works: The ultimate lightning damage build. Works great with the subzero wizard since both want to get people wet. Lightning damage is crazy, and can get up there as one of the highest damage outputs in the game but it takes some setup and doesn't always go crazy like you want it to. Inconsistent, but still good.

Levels~

-2 levels tempest cleric

-6 levels draconic sorcerer

-4 levels cleric

Equipment~ (there are some repeats for pieces, so choose whatever works best for you)

Act 1 Holy Lance helm (Creche monastery) 

Diadem of arcane synergy- creche inquisitors chamber

Jolty vest- zentyrim

Protecty spark wall- grymmforge, looted from gilded chest on trapped bridge

Gloves of belligerent skies- creche inquisitors chamber

Boots of stormy clamor- ommeleum myconid colony

Watersparkers- gilded chest by minthara

Necklace of element augmentation- creche inquisitors chamber

Ring of arcane synergy- creche looted off a body

Ring of elemental infusion- also looted off body in creche

Real Sparky sparkswall shield (grymforge) 

Spellparkler- reward for saving counselor Florrick at Waukeen's rest

Bow of awareness (shattered sanctum) 

Act 2 hat of storm scion's power- blood trader in moonrise

Thunder skin cloak- blood trader moonrise

Dwarven splint mail- trader in moonrise, but only after talking to Zrell and asking for more help

Spineshudder amulet- looted from the chest in Isobel's room in moonrise towers

Spellcrux amulet- moonrise prison warden

Ring of spiteful thunder- moonrise merchant

Coruscation ring- Last light inn cellar in a chest

Ketheric shield 

Act 3 amulet of the devout- stormshore Tabernacle

Spell savant amulet 

Sharran legendary shield

Clown hammer *

Fun level: ★★★★★

Usefulness: ★★☆☆☆

How it works: One of the funniest builds, and it's not BAD either, it just gets points docked because you can only do it in act 3. The very beginning of act 3- yes, but still act 3. Using the clown hammer you get from killing dribbles the clown in Rivington, you make people laugh until you kill them~ *Note, you can get these items in act 1 with a mod that's in the mod manager- giving a bunch of mission specific items to the Rosynmorn monastery trader.

Levels~

-1 level fighter 

-5 levels pact of blade warlock, take devil's sight and darkness

-3 (or 5 for extra attack) levels fighter champion

- (if you didn't take the extra levels of fighter) 3 levels bard 

Equipment~

Act 1 Death stalker mantle (reward for Dark urge, recommend playing dark urge for this just for flavor.)

Strange conduit ring- creche inquisitors chamber

Act 2 Charge bound Warhammer (last light) 

Dark justiciar helmet- silent library, end of shar's trials

Amulet of the harpers- last light

Ring of mental inhibition (in house by shadowed battlefield waypoint) 

Brain drain gloves (mind flayer colony in a chest)

Act 3 clown hammer- on dribbles in Rivington

Face painting kit- at the circus in Rivington

Dead shot bow- stormshore armoury

Saravoks horned helmet 

Slinging shoes- Highberry's home, sold by Gale's tressym after talking to her at the open hand temple in Rivington, at the devil's fee, and after purchasing another item and long resting beforehand.

A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex)

🧡 He is a romantic through and through. Will pepper you with kisses and let you rest on his chest after he cleans up. And I do mean HE. Cause he won't be letting you do any of the work, you are his prince/princess!

B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

🧡 Loves your hips! Grabbing them to pull you into a hug- or grabbing them during much less innocent activities is 100% his go to.

🧡 He loves his arms! Listen, that man works out. He puts a lot of effort into being strong and looking good. Besides just being proud of his hard work, big arms means he can toss you over his shoulder or keep you safe. He also loves when you grab onto his arms while he's fucking you.

C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically)

🧡 Unsurprisingly, his cum is thick and doesn't have too much flavor. He has a really good diet which affects how he tastes! I definitely headcanon him as having had a vasectomy; he's nowhere near ready to have a kid and is a responsible individual who knows he's able to lessen the risk. If you're not uncomfortable with it, he loves to cum inside of you- but if you'd prefer he didn't, he usually tries to pull out and cum in his hand so he doesn't make as much of a mess.

D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

🧡 He's lowkey into exhibitionism and would love to fuck you in a public space, but he knows there's simply no way he'd actually be able to do it. At best, he may ask you to make a video with him for his eyes only.

E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?)

🧡 He's a huge flirt and an ex-mercenary, I can definitely see him being experienced with both men and women. Regardless of how experienced you are, he's positively gentle with you the first time you guys have sex. He wants to get to know you, and your body, the best that he can.

🧡 If you're inexperienced, he'll go slow and gentle, and will talk you through it with words that will leave you blushing red like an apple.

🧡 If you ARE experienced, however, he'll shift his attention toward learning what you like as quickly as he can so he can give you the time of your life.

F = Favorite position (this goes without saying)

🧡 He loves fucking you in any position where you can easily grab his arms or he can easily grab your hips. He's a simple man~ I'd say missionary with your legs pinned up beside your head. Or- alternatively, holding you up against a wall.

G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)

🧡 As romantic as he is, he's just as much of a flirt- and a playful one at that. It's rare that he's not cracking you up with terrible pick up lines or the corniest lovey dovey comments ever. He wants to see you smile and have fun with him!

H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)

🧡 He's very well trimmed, well kept, clean 🤌. He doesn't mind hair on his partner at all, but cleanliness is important to him!

I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)

🧡 Oh gosh, this angel?? You'll never feel more loved than when he's got you held in his arms. You are his god given solace and heaven on earth to him. Between cheesy lines and overly sweet comments, he'll spit out some poetry every now and then that will have your heart melting as he makes a mess of you.

J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon)

🧡 I'd say he does it the normal amount, but more interestingly- he really likes mutual masturbation. Something about watching you touch yourself or vice versa is extremely hot to him and though you can't really tell, will leave him a blushing mess.

K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)

🧡 Fun is the most important part of sex to him, fun and intimacy. So what does a fun loving, flirtatious, sweetheart like? Well roleplay of course! It's as silly as it is sexy, and if that doesn't scream Baptiste I don't know what does.

🧡 Exhibitionism, to a small degree! It's his dirty secret.

🧡 Praise!!! He could make a sailor blush with that silver tongue of his. He will never leave you feeling unloved or unworshipped.

🧡 Marking. There's just something SO hot to him about you leaving marks on him. Claw up his back, his arms- leave your lipstick kisses all over him, give him hickeys!

L = Location (favorite places to do the do)

🧡 The bed is most preferable, since he likes to take his time, but if he's in more of a rush or just feeling frisky he'll take you on the kitchen counter~

M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)

🧡 Form. Fitting. Clothing. 🙌 Show yourself off! He thinks your body is perfect and will melt when you show off that confidence.

🧡 Dancing. He's a good dancer and would love to dance with you. Get a little bold and start putting on a show for him~

N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

🧡 Will NOT do degradation or receive it. It's a huge turn off for him.

🧡 The furthest he'll go with hitting you is maybe playing around with some toys or spanking you to be cheeky, but I think any actual pain play would be a no for him.

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

🧡 This man LOVES getting his dick sucked. LOVES IT. And damn does he look good while he's receiving. He'll sit nice and good for you, one hand on your head, not pushing or putting pressure- just there ground himself. Leave bites or kiss marks on his thighs and he may cum right then and there!

🧡 He's skilled at giving as well, though I think he'd prefer receiving. That won't damper his enthusiasm to pleasure you though! He's more than happy to have you mewling underneath him.

P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)

🧡 Prefers to take it slow and have fun with it, but is very susceptible to begging. If you ask for more, he'll give you more. He's more than capable of ruining you. Likes to make corny doctor jokes afterwards though.

Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)

🧡 Prefers to take his time, but that's just because it's more fun to him. He's more than willing to drop everything and succumb to some carnal pleasure with you every now and then~

R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)

🧡 He'll try just about anything once as long as you ask. He makes it really clear too that he's open to any suggestions and won't judge you for them.

S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)

🧡 He'll normally stop after one or two rounds depending on how tired you are, but he can push three if you really beg him. He'll never leave you unsatisfied though, regardless of how tired he may be.

T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)

🧡 Toys are his allies!! He'll never see them as competition. He doesn't own any to use on himself, aside from maybe a prop or two for his roleplay stuff, but any and all toys you bring to the relationship, he'd be more than happy to use on you.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

🧡 He's not too bad, he likes seeing you happy and pleasured more than anything, but every now and then he'll get a bit of a teasing attitude- usually when he's going down on you. There's just something about how cute you look and how in control he is that tickles that part of him that wants to make you whine and beg a little.

V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)

🧡 He's extremely vocal, both in words and in moans. He'll be the loudest when you suck him off, since he's not worried too much about anything else but how you're making him feel. His moans aren't shy, they're very full and pretty.

W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character)

🧡 He's a switch, leaning top. Even when he's on bottom I see him more as a power bottom than anything.

🧡 Thinks it's hot when you ride him, but can't help himself and always helps you out, grabbing your hips and thrusting up in time with your movements.

🧡 His inner thighs are pretty sensitive and a good way to get him squirming.

X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)

🧡 Big. I will not apologize to anyone, this man is PACKING. Easily nine inches if not more. He's circumcised and around average thickness for his size. He's a shower not a grower.

Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)

🧡 Average if anything. He's a huge flirt, but he's also a busy guy- he's got a fairly normal libido and a good amount of self control. Getting him riled up enough to make him lose control is tough, especially since when you start, he'll tease you right back!

Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

🧡 Not a big napper, and is used to not getting much sleep, so I'd say you're more likely to fall asleep before him. But if you don't, he likes watching TV before bed and will let you pick what you guys watch.

Thanks so much again for the request, Bap is such an angel!

The results are in! And I match you with-

BG3 Astarion~

❤ [Astarion largely embodies what you like in people] He quite literally has some bite to him! Teasing and banter are second nature to our resident vampire, and no one is safe from his rather catty attitude. At every point in your journey, the two of you would be laughing and poking fun; you're at each other's necks- not so figuratively in his case. He's quickly impressed by your risk taking and eggs it on; he hasn't had this much fun in centuries! The two of you would be a chaotic force of nature, taking Faerun by storm.

❤ [You’re both independent.] He has independence for the first time in hundreds of years and is gripping it tight, even though he doesn't quite know what it means anymore; your fiercely independent attitude is just the push he needs to embrace his new life, free from Cazador. Though it may seem at first like he's dependent on you, flirting and seducing you just to secure his own safety, Astarion ultimately makes all of his own decisions. He's struggling with how to regain his independence while also being entirely dependent on the astral prism to keep him alive- but you're a good example. You show him through your actions how easy it is to impose your own will. Watching him grow and express his boundaries is a feat; he changed because of you, but not for you.

❤ [You guys bring out the best in one another… and the worst.] The two of you are playful at best and absolute menaces at worst. The fact of the matter is, you're both chaos junkies, and would endorse each other's bad behavior. Astarion would adore you for this! But I'm sure the rest of Faerun would have their grievances… A bard and a rogue are tough to beat though. Astarion wants those boots the merchant is selling? You're already doing the most to distract them with your extravagant words and music while he robs them blind~ I quiver to think what the two of you would do to someone who annoys you.

❤ [You make him feel safe.] Astarion has a fake persona that he puts on to protect himself. He's flirty and sultry and has a strong noble laugh, he's desirable- but it's all fake. He simply makes himself what others want to ensure they won't dispose of him. This would certainly annoy you at first, to some degree, but after the first time you see the real him, it'd become a challenge to keep bringing that part out. You, more than anyone, see his real laugh, his real smile. You see how his face crinkles and how he throws his head back when you tell a bad joke. He calls you a clown, but it has no malice behind it. He hasn't felt this safe in gods know how long.

❤ [He would take you on artsy dates.] Once you're free of the tadpole, the two of you are restricted only by the sun (assuming you don't ascend him). One of the first things he does is get a portrait done of the two of you. You're sat cozily, your space lit by candles or the luminous flora of the underdark. You would have your favorite coffee and laugh and chat all whilst an artist carefully immortalizes you on a canvas. He wouldn't mind, of course, if you painted him either. He hasn't seen his reflection for so long that he doesn't even remember what his eyes used to look like. There certainly is something profoundly intimate about seeing yourself through someone else's eyes... Besides that, he would like to read to you as well, on those days when you just don't feel like getting up. Elves don't sleep, but your presence and the soft melody of his words would lull the two of you into a tranquil state.

❤ [Astarion is not your knight in shining armor!] He knows full well how capable you are of handling yourself and will simply enjoy the show should you ever land in trouble. He may join in, if only for the chance to slice some necks and have some fun, but he's never under the impression that he's doing you a favor. For centuries he prayed someone would come to his aid, and no one did; he knows what it means to be tough enough to handle things without help, and likely harbors a similar distaste for unprovoked assistance. This doesn't mean he'll never have your back; he'll be very vocal if he's ever truly worried about something being sketchy!

MHA Hawks/Keigo Takami~

For this particular matchup, I envisioned you as a vigilante! I for one, know the hero system in MHA is very flawed and I see you doing your own thing as a more chaotic/good rogue hero.

💛 [This cat and mouse game never gets old.] You're independent, free as a bird- ironically enough, and Keigo is trapped under the thumb of the hero commission. He knows that hero society is broken and he strives to make it better despite his limitations. Perhaps that's why he never turned you in. It's not like he couldn't, but there was something about you that elicited envy in him. You were everything he wanted to be, making changes, true to yourself, free. So would ensue the long game of cat and mouse… He would find you every now and then, and the two of you would throw flirty banter back and forth until he had to inevitably leave. It would take awhile, but he'd eventually tell you the reason he never captured you. “But keep it a secret, yeah? The image of a caged bird isn't good for a hero like me.”

💛 [Your hearts are mirrored.] You and Keigo have the same love languages with physical touch and gift giving. He's constantly thinking, and you're constantly in the back of his mind. It Isn't uncommon for him to show up with something pretty or your favorite snack that he just happened to pass by. He would absolutely melt if you gave him something homemade! The effort and thought you'd have to put into something like that is proof enough that he's special to you, and he'd cherish that thought- and whatever you gave him~

💛 [He can't go crazy, but expect spontaneity.] Before you're properly together, he would be limited to when or how he could see you. Regardless of how much he liked you, there was simply no way for him to stay in contact without exposing you to the hero commission, which is the last thing he wanted. So, he got creative… Thanks to his superbly observant personality, he's able to figure out how you're locating villains/baddies; he uses this information to trick you into meeting him somewhere. Albeit, not the most honest way of getting what he wants, but he's sure he'll get brownie points for the spontaneity. He wouldn't want to hinder your work though, so after that, the two of you make up a different but still secret way of meeting.

💛 [There's nothing quite like flying.] Let him take you to the sky. Is it cliche? Sure, but it's the most free he ever feels. It's all worth it to see you smile in wonder or scream when he pretends to drop you… He wants you to feel safe with him though, so he won't do that too often. ;) This can be a common occurrence- he'd like it if it was, but he'd understand if you just don't like it. Heights aren't for everyone! But, if you do like it, he'll make sure to remember to lend you his goggles so the wind doesn't get in your eyes. He could easily buy you your own, but come on, you look so cute with his on why would he? <3

💛 [Too quick for his own good.] You don't need a hero, and he chronically kind of just does what he wants. His quickness would cause some annoyance on your end, since he doesn't wait for you to ask for help to step in. A majority of the time it's not because he thinks you need help, he just goes too fast while he's working. He didn't get where he is at his age by waiting for anyone else. It would be easy to see it as him looking down on you, thinking you're not good enough to do it on your own- but catch him once and give him a piece of your mind! As much as I'd like to say he'd think twice after that, and immediately respect your words- that's simply not Keigo. “Get it done faster and I wouldn't have to help you, how 'bout that?” Unfortunately, Keigo doesn't care if it annoys you, and has a very roundabout way of pushing you to do better. It's all for your benefit though, since he does end up seeing improvement in your work- if for no other reason than to shove it in his face that you don't need his help…

💛 [He's not clingy.] Your space and independence is important to you, and it's important to him too, especially once he's free of the hero commission. His dream was always to make a world where heroes could sit back and be lazy, but unfortunately it's just not that day yet. You'll have ample time to yourself, Keigo is a busy man! Trust, as often as he bothers you, he's giving you twice as much space just because of how busy he is.

💛 [Don't threaten him with a good time.] Dates with keigo would be intimate. As often as he's in the public eye, when he gets the chance, all he'll want is to be alone with you. The tops of buildings are easy enough for him to get to- or your house. Order in food, make some with him, sit and watch TV or show him your favorite games. He would adore any moment of silence, away from scrutiny of expectations and just enjoy your company. The best days for him are sleeping in, the two of you wrapped in his wings as he avoids the world. He'll make you breakfast, cuddle you, distract you- anything to stay longer in the safe haven that is your home.

💛 [Hold him close.] “Keigo. Call me Keigo.” You're one of the first people he tells and his heart just about drops out of his chest when the words leave his mouth. It's dangerous for anyone to know, but it's all he wanted… for you to say his name. He doesn't make a big deal out of it, laughing it off as he usually does with things like that, but just hearing you call him by his name makes it all worth the risk. After the final fight with All for One, it's you he finds at his side in the hospital and he gives you the biggest grin he can muster at the time. He'll tease you as he recovers, ask if you cried for him- acting hurt if you say no, and smug if you say yes. There's no winning with him, but truly, he's more free now than he's ever been.

JJK Satoru Gojo~

💙 [‘The bane of my existence and the object of all my desires.’] Oh boy. What a duo you two would make. More than anyone, Satoru is impossible to banter with- or more so it's impossible to get under his skin. You could, and I'd expect would, still tease and berate him, but expect it to be a challenge to get a real reaction out of him. You'd be his favorite person to mess with as well, simply for how fiery you are, and Satoru can be a real menace... He, just like you, loves reactions. In fact, besides the overarching challenge the two of you have with one another, you basically have the same sense of humor. He was robbed of his childhood, and finds it difficult to find people who can keep up with his enthusiasm and energy- so your attitude is just perfect. Someone his age that he can be silly and relaxed with!

💙 [Opposite polarities always attract.] Satoru is definitely the extrovert that runs around adopting introverts, and you were no different. Considering you're his favorite person, expect to be dragged along to just about everything he does- or at the very least be told about everything he does. If your social battery just can't handle it, he'll settle for bringing you back souvenirs in the form of little gifts or snacks from wherever he goes… though he'd much rather you just come along. He's not stupid though, he knows just how to press your buttons so that you don't blow up in an introverted rage.

💙 [Your independence is safe and secure.] Satoru is clingy, for sure, and perhaps too enthusiastic to drag you around for his own good- but you're not in any danger of him doing everything for you. As a Jujutsu sorcerer, you'll have tough jobs every now and then, and though Satoru could easily handle them for you, he lets you do it. He's a teacher after all! He's used to letting his students handle curses on their own, he'd have no trouble giving the same opportunities to you. Forewarning, if you get your ass kicked, he'll never let you live it down. <3

💙 [Rich man's privilege.] Dates will be the most over the top unnecessarily expensive things ever. He wants to experience the world; he has dreams and hopes of his own- he just has someone to share that with now. Art exhibits, thrilling theme parks, exquisite restaurants, risky adrenaline chasing, the works!! He wants to show it all to you. You want to travel? Say the word, he's got tickets and a hotel booked already. He's looking at tourist spots and picking out restaurants. He's fortunate enough to be able to give you anything you could ever want, and all he'd ask in return is to just share it with him.

💙 [Satoru Gojo is kind of an ass.] In the most respectful way possible, this guy is an unhinged childish piece of work. He knows you're bad with directions and will not correct you if you're going the wrong way just so he can waste more time being around you. He laughs at you when you trip, but will always help patch you up. He teases you with his height and his infinity technique to annoy you. More than anything, he does all of this because he refuses to be anyone else but Satoru Gojo. He won't pretend he doesn't have a mean and dumb sense of humor just to make you happy- he's just impressed you stayed with him anyways.

💙 [Screw those old geezers!] You and Satoru have more in common than either of you first thought; both of you don't like being told what to do, and go against the elder sorcerers’ demands. If you ever landed yourself in trouble because of this attitude, you can bet your bottom dollar that Satoru will be there to back you up. He does it to help of course, but if you ever ask he'll just say he did it to spite those old geezers. He abuses the fact that he's too important and powerful to really oppose. The council has started to avoid you because they know Satoru is always lurking around the corner, waiting for an opportunity to undermine them.

That's it! I hope you liked your matches! I considered Shadowheart and Minthara as potential choices for your BG3 match but decided against it. Shadowheart would match you bar for bar in sass, independence, and banter- but she wouldn't appreciate your risky streak and tends to disapprove of needless chaos. Minthara, the queen of banter imo, just seems too uptight for you!

I had a whole hour long debate arguing for Eurylochus' honor and I came to the conclusion that he really didn't have a good reason in canon to open the wind bag.

I of course argued that he noticed Odysseus cracking under the pressure of losing Polites and the guidance of Athena, and that as his friend, brother in law, and second in command, he was concerned and voiced his doubts. Him and Ody argued in 'Luck Runs Out' and that was a breaking point for their relationship where Eury felt like his voice was being silenced and he wasn't trusted anymore. BUT, my boyfriend made a good counter argument; at this point, nobody knew Odysseus had fucked up by giving the Cyclops his name, so in the eyes of his crew he hadn't made a single big mistake. At every other point, Eurylochus has listened to Odysseus' orders and Odysseus has every right to expect some faith from the (almost) 600 men he'd managed to keep alive through a ten year war.

I digress, that argument was still very important for them and on both sides I think they're right in their own ways. I don't want to take away from that. But why would Eurylochus open the wind bag when, in this iteration, he was told directly from Odysseus what was in it? You could argue that argument broke his trust, but I don't know... They've known each other since they were kids, they're literally related (Eurylochus is married to Ody's sister)! Was it suspicious that Odysseus wouldn't part with the bag? A little, but not enough I think that Eurylochus would directly betray his brother, especially after just losing Polites and being vocally upset about it. PLUS, it was Eurylochus who was arguing about how dangerous the gods are! Why would he open a bag that Odysseus got from a God, that he was TOLD has the storm inside??

Makes no sense narratively for his character🙅‍♂️

And the narrative solution to this is as simple as a couple of lines being added to the song "Keep Your Friends Close". We could take this two ways:

One, Aeolus tells Odysseus that the "catch" is that he can't tell anyone what's in the bag. It would keep to the original story where Odysseus doesn't tell his crew what's in the bag, sparking distrust, but still keep Odysseus a sympathetic character. It would also give Eurylochus a reason to open the bag. Either he caves to the pressure of the crew, all desperate to know what's in this bag that their captain refuses to tell them about, OR he's just festering from the argument still and being told by Odysseus that not even he, his second in command, can know what's in the bag becomes the last straw. Because at that point, at least to Eurylochus, it's clear Odysseus doesn't trust him, so why should he give Odysseus his trust in return?

Or two, a similar route would be to play into Odysseus' grief and paranoia piling up and have him refuse Eurylochus. A simple line, Odysseus has been awake for multiple days straight and his now closest friend, asks to watch the bag for him so he can rest. Odysseus, so close to home and drowning in exhaustion, both mental and physical, snaps and refuses his second in command- causing a rift. The same thing occurs, with Eurylochus still shaken from their argument, now met with an Odysseus who doesn't trust him and yet demands full trust back.

Either way, Eurylochus now has a reason to open the bag that's at least plausible from his point of view and it wouldn't require more than an additional two or three lines of dialogue added to the song.

Thanks for coming to my Ted talk

❤ He's not really clingy himself and physical touch isn't his love language, but that doesn't mean he won't indulge you.

❤ If you feel more comfortable when you're close to him it boosts his ego.

❤ Let's you hold his tail if he's busy. Sometimes he's just gotta have his hands free, but luckily for you, he's got an extra appendage! Lucky for him too; he ends up holding you with his tail more than his hands.

❤ He loves the feeling of you playing with his hair. It's a very intimate and pampering thing for him, so he'd be more than happy to let you do it. You may even be able to sneak some flowers into his hair ;)

❤ Your desire to be close to him makes you easy to prank :/ But don't take it too hard, your surprised face is just too cute!

❤ Will tease you by sitting on his staff/cloud just out of your reach to make you beg or whine for him to get down. Has the most smug grin as he stares down at you like he hasn't a care in the world.

❤ If you ever ask him to carry you he'll call you an infant and compare you to a baby monkey. "Useless, just like those little things, clinging to their mothers for a full year!" He's just being dramatic of course. He doesn't mind.

❤ Not above using his clones to satisfy your needs if you complain about needing more affection. He will summon six or seven of himself just to annoy you. He'll be smug about his 'malicious compliance', but if you're somehow happy with the clones he'll be surprised more than anything. "Honestly! You may as well be a demon of endless greed! Tsk, never satisfied..."

❤ You are lovingly coined as 'little demon' from there on out :)

❤ Wukong

Starting with the pregnancy~

He is ELATED.

The idea of a proper heir had never crossed his mind because well- he's immortal. He doesn't need one. But that doesn't mean the idea of his own flesh and blood isn't positively exciting.

There's a chance he knows you're pregnant before you do. What with all of his special powers and heightened senses.

Celebrates privately with you of course but it becomes a mountain-wide event very quickly.

You are showered with praise and blessings by all the monkeys.

He will never miss a chance to brag that he's going to have a baby. And he's definitely smug about it too, thinks your child is going to surpass even his power.

When you start showing he gets more smothering.

Don't forget our king's fatal flaw! He thinks he knows what's best.

Will limit how much you travel and makes sure you always have at least two attendants by your side while he's gone.

Which, once you get further along, isn't often. There were plenty of superstitions about pregnancy in ancient China, as well as a high infant mortality rate- and that's not even counting what complications could happen due to the magical nature of your child. So he'd be stressed.

He expresses stress through aggression (canon), though it's never pointed at you. He'd be fiercely protective over the mountain, but especially any of the areas you regularly stay in. He'd be very snappy at everyone for the entire second half of the pregnancy, except you of course, who he'd be showering with praise and reverence.

Likes holding your stomach while you rest and tells your baby about the great lineage they're being born into, recounting his titles and strength and promising them they'd be greater.

He's hoping for a boy, but he's assured his child will be spectacular regardless of the gender.

When you give birth he will be extremely focused. He can't afford to be weak in a moment when you need him most. (Though your cries of pain and effort will certainly make his heart ache.)

As you're holding your baby for the first time, his teasing, smug attitude is nowhere to be seen. He just looks at you as if you'd given him the universe itself.

Cutest baby ever might I add 👆.

It's a Chinese tradition that only immediate family is allowed to meet the baby for the first 100 days after it's born, so it'd just be you and him for a majority of three months unless you invite your family to meet them.

In traditional fashion, on the 100th day a banquet is held to officially introduce the baby to everyone. And MY GOD would it be an event...

Besides all of the monkeys on the mountain who want to celebrate their new prince/princess, I can't even imagine how many celestials and demons would come to pay their respects and blessings- be it out of fear or respect.

Either way, expect a very long day and a LOT of gifts.

^ Wukong doesn't leave your side for the entire day. I dare someone to try and pull something.

You'd expect with his trickster personality that he'd be a very lenient dad, but Wukong is surprisingly dutiful in making sure your child doesn't turn out lazy or ignorant.

That by no means is to say he wouldn't be a wonderfully playful father. He'd have a wonderful connection with his child, and his most important lesson to them would be to respect their mother ;)

More of a one kid kind of guy, so he'd probably stop after the first, unless you had twins or triplets.

As protective as he was with you when you were pregnant, he's pretty chill with the actual kid. He knows they're durable and will let them get roughed up doing dumb stuff.

Carries them around hanging off his tail and will pretend like he doesn't know where they went.

It's like how cats will let their babies 'sneak up on them' to encourage them to keep trying. He does the same thing with your kid when they try to trick him.

Your baby would be the most respectful little shit ever. A little shit nonetheless, but would do anything for you or their father.

All the monkeys on the mountain help keep an eye on the little sage so you'll never feel lost or alone in parenting. It's very much a joined effort and your baby will see the other monkeys as their family as well!

This wonderful piece of Sun Wukong was done by @kanade-howl here on tumblr! They post their work on Twitter as well at @kanaade_ and @_liehuzuo please support them!

💙 The Destined One

Give him a bunch of babies I beg you.

He'd get addicted, he wants a big family for SURE.

When you first tell him you're pregnant he'll probably take some time to fully soak it in.

You'll be used to being patient with him at this point, but I imagine something like this is really nerve wracking so don't feel bad if you rush him for a response.

He'll put a hand on your stomach as if he's checking for himself before picking you up and smothering you with love.

He's not a chatty guy but he'll let you know how happy he is!

^ That being said, during your pregnancies is the most talkative he'll ever be.

He doesn't want you to stress about communicating and knows your body is going through a lot so he pushes himself to talk more to make sure you get everything you need.

That doesn't mean he'll be a chatterbox by any means. More than nothing is still very slim :')

Expect a lot of one word questions.

Trusts you more than he trusts his own instincts. His instincts tell him you shouldn't be climbing or moving around much- but if you want to, who's he to tell you what to do? He's not the one pregnant 🤷‍♀️

Follows you around like a guard dog when you do though, doesn't matter what you're doing.

Somehow even more physically affectionate than normal. Will insist on holding your hand when you walk so you can lean your weight on him.

When you start showing he'll be amazed. It's not that he's never seen a pregnant person before but like... That's his baby in there and he can't believe it.

His favorite thing to do is lay his head against your stomach while you're resting. Will kiss your skin and adore the life you're making.

You can catch him whispering things to your baby while he's resting his head on your stomach.

Your body is going to ache and he is more than happy to massage it for you. He doesn't even need an excuse to touch you, but he'll find them anyway.

Once you get further along and it gets harder for you to get around, he'll pick you up and take your wherever you want to go- within reasonable distance from your home of course. Not because he can't take you further, he just doesn't want to in case something happens.

But he wants to make sure you get fresh air and still see the beauty outside of your bed.

Doesn't trust anyone to watch you. It's him or nothing.

Makes offerings and prays to the goddess of childbirth. He does this a few times before you catch him and start helping.

He's a bundle of nerves when you're giving birth. If you weren't preoccupied, it'd probably be painfully obvious how nervous he was.

Holds you while you hold your baby and will not stop telling you how much he loves you and how perfect the baby is.

Gets baby fever bad.

Baby will be spoiled, and so will any other baby after that.

Huge advocate for carrying the baby. If you're not opposed to it, he probably carries them more than you.

Has the most deadpan look on his face as he looks at this baby but he has so much adoration for his little miracle.

Stressing over your baby crying in the middle of the night? Not with him! He's at that babies beck and call.

Watching a nearly mute man deal with a curious child is definitely amusing and you get a front row seat.

Your children kind of just accept that their dad doesn't talk much, but he'll always tell them he loves them if they say it to him.

Takes them everywhere with him so he can teach them. Is SO proud when the oldest starts helping teach the younger ones.

He's proud of them in general honestly.

Your kids are going to be super loving and curious. I think he'd foster really healthy relationships between all of them.