ShadowThief69

In Kremnos he brings you home. The palace is large and so much quieter than you'd expect a war-people's palatial seat to be. The people there maintain distance, but treat you with respect. They bring you plates loaded with honied figs, baths steeped in luxurious scented oils, gowns of the finest silks in a rainbow of colors. You don't ask for any of it — they don't ask you if you accept it.

At night Mydeimos comes to you, sits beside you on the massive bed. Pulls you closer until you're snug against his hip, until your cheek rests against his warm, warm chest. He puts braids in your hair, small hidden weaves, close to your scalp, tucked away where only he would know to find them.

"I don't know how to flirt, so he needs to just. Die or something. Get the fuck out of my city." Your companion just snorts into their glass, entertained.

Lohen though, unhidden and easily overhearing you at the bar, has never been more attracted to you.

got the collective ideas from my post! ty yall <333 basically regressor au bc he lowkey fumbled in the past lifetime (and you died) so he pulled the uno reverse card and highkey turned back the time

WARNING/S: yandere, obsessive behavior, implied drugging at the end

part of the freak shit march scientific trials.

subject: dottore (genshin).

duration: 2.3k words.

warnings: non/con, afab!reader, micro!reader, mentions of physical torture, long-term captivity, exhibitionism, voyeurism, obsessive behavior, dehumanization, and forced helplessness. dead dove: do not eat.

This was, by far, the worst thing Dottore had ever done to you.

It wasn’t as if you didn’t have a long, long list to choose from, either. You’d been poisoned, starved, overfed, dosed with hallucinogenics, bunt, frozen, overstimulated, under-stimulated, vivisected, cloned, forced to vivisect that clone, and yet, this was still the worst. The most demeaning. The most dehumanizing. It was a wonder, really, how he could still find ways to make your life unlivable. If he weren’t a mad scientist, he might’ve made a wonderful novelist. He was just so fucking creative.

Five inches tall. The same height as a palm, or a toy, or a particularly resilient wildflower. You’d gone from a fully functional, more or less autonomous human being to a creature with all the independence of a pet songbird with only a round of injections and a particularly venomous smile from Dottore. He claimed it was a reward, an experience he thought you would enjoy. That was just the relationship you and him had, in his deluded view of the world. He administered torment, and you soaked it up without protest or complaint.

And the worst part was – he couldn’t even let you suffer in privacy.

I was inspired after realizing that Dainsleif is aware of the camera whenever his picture is taken in game. Note that everything under this list is fourth wall breaking in nature, which may be unsuitable for some people. Also, due to the somewhat spoopy nature of fourth wall breaks, everything has a sharp yandere edge. Because why not.

All Content in this AU can be found HERE, otherwise only full length headcanons/fics are linked in this post.

REMINDER: this is a dark content producing/sharing blog that is strictly 18+. Please be respectful and do not interact if you’re under 18 or if you find dark content distasteful.

Character Headcanons

Archons

Even the gods themselves bow at the knee to forces greater than them- which is to say- they’re pretty sure they’ve always been aware of your existence. The older ones are at least. They can’t remember a time where they weren’t at least a little aware how they danced in the palm of your hand. Did it happen all at once- this existential knowledge? Or had it suddenly reared its ugly head one day? It’s hard to pinpoint the moment it happens to an archon. To a god. Is it a light suddenly being switched on? Or a knowledge that had always laid in the back of their minds being brought to the front? None of them can say. 

Venti

Existential Awareness

Zhongli

Existential Awareness

Citizens of Mondstadt

Kaeya

Existential Awareness

Fischl

Existential Awareness

Citizens of Liyue

Outworlders and Outlaws

The Greater Story

Ritual Evocation: Luce Stellarum

i, ii, iii

Domus Amica

I’ve gotten 9 asks like this, several since January, the people have spoken, so here we goooooo

I refuse to believe in any small dicks, small dicks don’t exist in Teyvat it is the law bc I said so, so I’m kinda going in random order

Nonetheless each dick is deserving of love and each dick is special in its own way and I’m gonna tell y'all why.

Things being taken into account: size, refractory time, amount of cum, how quickly they cum/stamina, how many rounds they can go, sensitive spots, and any potential uniquenesses

Not actually any real content warnings here, but there’s a lot of discussion of cum, so if fluids bother you a lot, avoid this. Also mentions of piercings, circumcision/foreskin and abnormal sexual abilities for the non-humans (Zhongli, Xiao, Venti, as well as homunculus-Albedo here), mentions of cum inflation

Also I’m so glad I posted this after staff saw my blog and not before lmao

——————–

Zhongli

Yeah you saw this coming. Insert pillar joke here.

Anyway, it’s excessive in terms of both length and girth, but especially girth. Ironically, he’s actually not all that aware of it, either. Likely most non-humans have rather large dicks so he thinks he’s about average, doesn’t realize it’s especially large in comparison to human norms. However, being as old as he is, he’s mastered the ability to prevent unwanted hardness and can control when he does and doesn’t get hard except in very intense circumstances, and also can go a very very long time without cumming, so the stamina is virtually unmatched by anyone else here. Can go literal hours edging himself and you without cumming, only unlike you who will inevitably come undone, he can keep composure with ease.

He’s sweet about it though, works you up to be able to take it, and he has a moderate amount of precum so it slides in more easily.

Also has very heavy/intense twitches, like if it twitches inside you you will feel it raking against your insides, which can cause some unexpected spikes of pleasure.

Archons and adepti have like… Ungodly amounts of cum. He specifically has the most, moreso than Venti or Xiao. It’s enough to cause cum inflation for sure, a cute bulge in your stomach because your womb is just overinflated with cum. He specifically has about 6x the normal amount of cum for a human man per orgasm. Refractory is moderate, but round capability is literally endless, so you have to be the one to call it quits eventually.

Razor

Also on the very large side, it’s funnier with him than Zhongli/Diluc though, kinda comical looking because it’s disproportionate to his much smaller body.

Remember how I said high testosterone, which comes from meat and sunlight and degree of outdoors-y-ness, scientifically contributes to sex drive? It’s been proven to contribute to dick size too.  He’s totally unaware of course, he has no idea what an “average” dick looks like for humans, but he knows he’s bigger than the wolves, so he’s at least content with that. Probably insecure bc he doesn’t have a knot and thinks he should

It gets hard very easily, and he’s also much better than most people at maintaining a hard-on even while moving around a lot. Unfortunately he has no concept of shame. He’ll just get hard and just. Rather than trying to cover it up, he’ll maneuver so that it’s more free/comfortable which is almost always very visible. You can’t take him out in public places without this becoming a problem.

Also, I’ve mentioned this before but he has a very short refractory period. It fits his doggie nature. He’s just ready to go again nearly immediately.

Hair is everywhere, boy has never stopped to consider something like cutting it, I mean have you seen the hair on his head? He can be convinced to do so if you want him to, though, although you’d probably have to do it, he’s still not very good at holding small utensils like scissors or tableware or writing utensils, so he’d just cut himself by accident.

Kaeya

He’s not a smug bastard for no reason. He has like… The ideal dick. If you did surveys and crafted the absolute ideal dick based on average preferences based on length and girth, congrats this is what you would have. Not too big to be painful, not too small, just perfect, and, only further contributing to the degree of said smug bastardliness, it has a slight upward curve so that it hits exactly where it’s supposed to. A moderate amount of cum, varies depending on how long it’s been since he last came.

The worst part of it all is that he KNOWS all of this and is well aware of the effect it has, which gives a massive and very unnecessary boost to an already over the top ego.

He’s not quite like some others here where he gets like fully hard nearly immediately, but he does get hard to about half mast very easily and a does so LOT, all the time just bc he’s a horny boi and gets easily excited by the most meager of visual stimulation. He can also maintain a hard on for a looooong time. He’s developed a habit of drifting off into fantasies during boring meetings, so he’s used to just hiding it under the table and letting his mind wander.

He’s one that shaves completely, he just likes the way it feels.

The only downside/insecurity for him is that he’s not the longest lasting man in the world, he just loves you so much you know? But he recovers pretty quickly and can go lots of rounds, just none of them very long.

Xingqiu

A bit lengthy, a slight curve, but not too strong of one. Most likely to be cut out of anyone, I could see an upper-class family circumcising for whatever reason.

It’s very cute, even though it’s not tiny, very pink and soft, but also veiny. Also another one that has a lot of precum and cum, being hydro and all.

Thankfully, he’s also the most well-kept out of anyone, so unlike some people you never have to worry about it being musky or tasting awful. Probably goes out of his way to consume things that are supposed to make cum taste better. Also shaves religiously. He’s just really into hygiene on these things.

However, for all his bratty smugness, he’s actually pretty bad at controlling erections and can get hard against his will pretty easily. It’s one of a few things you can really make him embarrassed about and make him lose composure so, use this to your advantage.

Stamina is around average, refractory is kinda short since he’s a younger guy and still easily excitable.

Venti

About average in terms of length/girth, but it has a strong upward curve that hits the spot perfectly and directly. That and, combined with many centuries of experience, he knows exactly what he’s doing and will make you come undone pretty quickly.

Another one that’s got a really aesthetically pleasing dick, it’s pretty and soft and the curve is really nice. It just looks really nice going in and out of you. Also has a particular sensitivity to his balls, if you suck on them or lick at them or lightly roll them in your hands he’s just automatically in heaven and will cum much faster.

Like Zhongli and Xiao and others of their kind, he has a lot of cum, about 3x normal humans, and can go quite a few rounds. While he does have a moderate refractory, he can stay hard in between rounds, even fucks you while he’s recovering, as he has a slight thing for overstimulating himself.

If he’s sober he’s more reserved, but honestly if you get him drunk he gets hard way easier and has much, much less shame about hiding it, will more or less just let himself be visibly hard.

Chongyun

Chongyun tries to avoid getting hard like it’s the plague. Like. Imagine his episodes, but ALSO lacking blood in the brain. He’s very afraid of losing control and having a horrifically embarrassing occurrence of wildly trying to fuck some poor person, especially if its a darling.

But as a side effect, part of his meditations involve controlling erections, so he actually has very good control over getting hard and can be horny without getting hard, as well as popping it up on command.

As a simultaneous result, he’s got ungodly stamina and can go for quite a while before cumming, he’s definitely your go-to if you take a while to cum. His dick is about average length but pretty thick, so it hits all the spots it should. As a downside, it really hurts your jaw pretty quickly if you’re blowing him.

It’s also like, the softest dick you’ve ever held. The skin is so smooth and soft it feels like your mouth and hands just glide over it.

Also, his dick is significantly more reddish and twitchy if he’s in one of his episodes, which is most of the time. If he manages to keep himself cool while fucking, it’s less so. Speaking of which, he tries to control himself and has managed to meditate to where he can get a few minutes in without losing control, whereas before he used to spiral as soon as he got hard, but he now can get a bit in while maintaining his composure… it never lasts though, he inevitably loses it once he gets really into it.

Childe

Above average length, but very much above average girth. It’s heavy, like, even soft when it’s in your hands or mouth you can feel it has an actual weight to it. He’s well aware, and teases you about it quite a bit. Talks himself up quite a bit, unfortunately you can’t mock him for it because he can actually back up his claims.

He keeps the hair not totally shaven but trimmed most of the way down, so it’s actually pretty nice because it prevents chaffing while not being too scratchy.

It’s not as much as the non-humans, but he does have quite a bit of cum for a human. Especially if it’s been a few days since he’s last cum, it builds up and he also shoots really far, too. Like, he’s one of those dudes that HAS to grab a cloth or something to catch it because if he just jerks off openly it’ll shoot all the way to his face. Moderate refractory, it’s not too bad, but it also enables him to go a lot of rounds and get in good oral action on you in between.

Bonus, out of anyone he’s most likely to have piercings, likely a ladder or studs somewhere. They rub against your insides just perfectly and it just puts you in a state of bliss so intense all you can do is twitch and convulse.

Albedo

Similar to Kaeya, has pretty much the ideal dick, was probably intentionally made that way. He was also made to have a lot of precum, it’s actually kinda mesmerizing to look at - if you kinda run your hands over his cock when it’s hard it just oozes out with your touch. Like the archons he has excess cum, but not quite as much as them, his is just about 2x the norm.

But of all the homuncular benefits, the best for him is prolonged orgasm. Human male orgasms only last like half to 2/3 the duration of female ones, but he was specifically designed so his last just as long, and even sync up to the average orgasm duration of a partner.

The hair is just kinda trimmed back, but it’s not as coarse as normal pubes, it’s soft and thin and blonde so it’s not bad at all.

Random HC but is particularly sensitive under the foreskin. If you do the hentai thing where you kinda lap your tongue around the base where the foreskin is he just ascends.

Scaramouche

Inverse of Childe, above average girth but very much above average length. Your poor, poor cervix, it’s like this dick was designed to put you in pain. It’s straight with no curve so it literally rams directly against your cervix with every thrust, and he knows it too, and makes an intentional effort to pound into it as hard as possible.

He’s got significant stamina and can last quite a while, up to a half hour or so, but he does have a normal refractory in between. Cums about an average amount, but like Childe, it shoots really far, so if he pulls out expect it to get all over your stomach, chest, even face and hair. (And if he’s pulling out, it’s because you begged him to, so expect him to very intentionally get it on your face).

Trims a moderate amount, but is particular about hygienics much like Xingqiu.

He has an intense sensitivity along the frenulum (underside of the head) and will shiver and involuntarily moan if you lick at it – and subsequently get embarrassed over his reaction and punish you for doing something good, even though he’d like to feel it again.

Also very much a grower, which can startle poor darling and has been a subject of slight embarrassment because to an observer who might catch him changing or showering, he actually appears to be kinda small, but you’ll quickly realize that’s not the case once he actually gets hard.

Xiao

Kinda like Razor where it almost looks kinda funny bc it’s disproportionate to the size of his tiny body. Length is slightly above average but girth is way above average, boi has a fat cock that will stretch you out to a point it’s painful.

Veiny and reddish, it can get really reddened when he’s hard. And he actually gets hard like… Really, really easily. It’s kind of inconvenient and embarrassing for the poor thing, always having to shift positions and sit awkwardly just bc he saw half a tiddie and is immediately fully hard. He’s like a teenage boy, getting hard from hugs or if you pat his head.

Fun fact, the hair around it is actually the teal-ish color like the underside of the hair on his head. He’s kinda like Razor here too, he’s never thought to cut or shave it and would see doing so as a waste of time, and unlike Razor can’t be convinced to do so, so, you just gotta deal with that.

Also I mentioned this with the archons but adepti also cum a LOT, about 4-5x normal humans. But also, adepti specifically, even unlike archons, have no refractory. Just… None. Doesn’t exist. So while he cums pretty quickly, it just goes from one round to the next in an instant, there’s no waiting to get hard again. This does create a somewhat icky sensation when you have copious amounts of cum inside you already but keep getting fucked, so it’s just sloshing all around and spilling out all down your thighs.

Diluc

Listen.

I refuse to accept anything short of this man having the largest canonical dick in Teyvat. Nothing else is possible. Lawachurls? Geovishaps?? Andrius??? Don’t know em, they got nothin on ya boi.

Diluc exudes bde the way the sun exudes light. It just rolls off of his being. You could place a blindfolded man in front of Diluc and be like “does this man have bde?” And without even needing to take the blindfold off he would agree because his dick literally has a presence that you can feel. I am correct no I do not accept criticism.

He is aware of it to some degree but doesn’t realize how much it actually is. He probably thinks he’s like, slightly above average. Doesn’t realize he has a fucking monster dick until you’re literally crying under him because you feel like you’re being carved in half. He doesn’t know how to feel about it at first, but will become smug about it over time.

When he gets horny he spaces out a lot bc the body just ain’t got enough blood for his brain too. Head empty. He’s gotta choose between mental clarity and horny at any given moment.

It’s pretty too, despite being so big. Soft and pink and has a lot of precum. Hair matches the hair on his head color wise but he keeps it kinda trimmed down. Not very veiny, surprisingly, it’s actually very smooth.

Also a shower. It’s very inconvenient bc he’ll sometimes wear too-tight pants or bend the wrong way and now the whole world is aware his dick goes down most of his thigh.

Cums a lot, as imaginable, and surprisingly low refractory time, which is good because he does cum pretty quickly/easily due to inexperience and tendency to repress himself.

Bennett

It’s actually really cute, very pinkish and smooth, he’s more on the long side rather than girthy. His also has a little curve to it, kind up upwards at the end.

More of a grower, it’s about average when soft, but once you get him going it gets longer. Which is a fairly easy task to accomplish, really, he’s very very easily excited, and is very easily embarrassed by it. He also has like… A LOT of precum. It just oozes out really easily, which can create a problem when he gets hard in inconvenient times and ends up creating a wet spot on the front of his pants, poor thing.

Sweet boy is a bit reckless as with all things, he doesn’t really shave or anything, but he can be convinced to pretty easily, especially if it means promises of more blowjobs.

Being the excited lil thing he always is, he’s got boundless stamina and a very short refractory, never more than 5 minutes or so. However, equally due to being the excited lil thing he always is, he can get ahead of himself and cum very quickly at times, he gets pretty embarrassed about it too.

Aether

He’s another member of the “disproportionate to his body size” club, particularly in length moreso than girth, which is about average. He’s similar to Scaramouche in that it’s pretty straight and uncurved and will absolutely ram into your cervix in a way that’s both painful and intensely pleasurable.

He trims well, has soft blonde hair too. He doesn’t have all that much precum, but he does have a lot of cum, and is another long-range shooter than can get it all over your chest even when he’s sitting in between your legs.

He’s moderate on how fast he cums, not very quickly, but can’t last a super long time, and his refractory is average-to-short. He’s insanely sensitive around the head, if you just swirl your tongue around it he’ll probably cum on the spot.

Also, it’s not quite like Albedo’s since his is artificial, but Aether also has slightly longer orgasms than most guys. It allows him to just remain in that bliss just a little bit longer, which is great for both of you.

Kazuha

Kazuha is among the “disproportionate to his body size” group. His primary source of pride is its length, and it has a nice curve. Like Chongyun, it’s actually very soft and smooth, feels pleasant in your hands or mouth (so long as you’re not choking for the latter). His feels heavy as well, as he’s more of a shower than a grower, so it kinda hangs down, which, frankly, can get a bit inconvenient in the kind of clothing he wears, but he’s gotten used to the feeling.

Due to having gotten used to a roaming sort of life and not always having tools available, well, unfortunately he’s gotten to where he doesn’t upkeep very well, so he’s got a bit of hair, but thankfully it’s kinda naturally thin and softer than most. He’ll definitely cut it down if asked, provided he has some way to do so.

Discipline is an important part of his lifestyle you know! And he applies that to, well, everything, so he’s kinda trained himself via self-edging and can last a long while by doing so if he tries, stopping abruptly when he’s about to cum, taking a few deep breaths to focus, and then starting back up after the arousal dies down just the slightest bit. His dick is one of those that twitches a lot, and so strongly that you can even feel the twitches when he’s buried all the way inside. He cums a pretty normal amount, but shoots rather far – if he pulls out it’ll definitely hit your collarbones, or even your face. Not that he pulls out often. He strongly prefers to cum inside, it’s one of his favorite things.

And speaking of discipline, luckily for him, he can control erections fairly well, taking deep breaths and focusing his thoughts to keep it down. It took some practice, of course, but being the little pervert he is, he’s had plenty of practice. And when he does get hard, he’s also mastered the art of positioning himself and his clothing to make sure it’s hard to see.

Thoma

Thoma, unfortunately for him, is pretty much the opposite of Kazuha when it comes to control – poor thing gets hard pretty easily, especially if given any visual stimuli, and he can’t really get it to go down very easily. Give him a break, he’s a very sexually repressed guy, ok? He tries to hide it, but… it’s pretty obvious that that’s exactly what he’s doing. It’s actually kinda cute, to be honest. He’s about halfway between shower and grower – it certainly gets bigger when hard, but doesn’t exactly shrink when soft, either.

He’s also more noticeable on length, but the girth is good too. He’s got more of a straight cock, though, one that will practically impale you and your poor cervix and insides with it. Ow. His is veiny, it’s got that thing where it gets really reddish at the tip when he’s hard, and, notably, he has a lot of precum too. He’s very adamantly hygienic, though, shaves pretty frequently, he just prefers the smoothness of it.

He… cums pretty easily. Poor thing. He can try, but he’s not very good at holding it in – it’s kind of a source of embarrassment, and he’ll apologize pretty profusely, which is, again, kinda cute. But not to worry, his refractory is a little bit on the sort side, and more importantly, the stamina is endless – he can go again and again and again, provided he just gets a bit of a break in between. Amount of cum is moderate, but like some others, he’s another one that shoots a good distance, but he actually likes getting it somewhere on your body – seeing cum on your chest, legs, back, face, it’s all really nice, and is a surefire way to get him hard again.

Also, the underside is particularly sensitive. Lick it or rub on it a bit and it’s a good way to make him cum even faster than he’s already going to, and without any warning whatsoever.

Gorou

Given his hybrid nature, while the length is good on it’s own, the primary noticeable trait is it’s thickness, and more importantly, the prominent knot that develops once he gets hard – both the thickness and the knot are designed to keep him locked tightly inside a darling… even if you’re trying to pull away. Once the knot gets in, it’s not coming out, not unless you’re willing to put yourself in intense pain trying to get away, as it stretches your insides out to their maximum capacity. But also due to the knot, he can’t really pull off the whole slow, long movements in and out, so he’s instead prone to quick, hard pounding with those inches that he can actually get in and out. He has a good deal of cum, certainly far more than a regular human, and it’s just enough to create that cute swell in your stomach.

Like a lot of animals, his dick kinda has a permanent reddish color to it, even when not hard, and is noticeably darker than the rest of his skin. It’s also got a more blunt tip/head, as opposed to a rounder one like a human’s.

One of the problematic aspects to his hybrid nature is that he gets hard at the drop of a hat, and it’s very hard to miss the large swelling under his clothes. Lust clouds his brain more easily than it would a normal person’s, and he loses his inhibitions due to arousal more easily as well, essentially his brain gets lost in a haze, keeping him from making sound and rational decisions. The poor thing is very frequently running off to go take care of it.