Shit I Heard At College Starters!
Taken from things that I have heard around campus within the last semester. Some of these have already been edited. You can change them however you see fit!
âI know. Iâve seen the tweets.â
âIâm already a pain in the ass. I didnât want to be a bigger pain in the ass.â
âI just saw the spinning wheels of an invisible entity.â
âThis taffy donât feel laughy.â
âR.L Stone is probably in purgatory, oh god!â
âI didnât have any trauma, so I have to make my own.â
âI met a stripper, her nameâs Coco, we bonded.â
âThe one thing that got me sober: Child death.â
âCan you bring a raccoon back? I want a pet.â
âIf you see a guy whoâs way too happy to be sober. Donât worry, heâs definitely sober. Heâs a good kid.â
âIâm here to wreck your home. Your kitchen? Gone. Family room? Gone.â
âSee, I respect crazy but only if itâs done correctly.â
âBiologically? Theyâre twenty-five, but spiritually they are eight thousand.â
âOh my god, I am a switch. You donât have to keep bringing it up.â
âHow fucking dare you imply itâs the gay one? I would never disrespect it with heteronormative sex.â
âCover your ears. I donât want you to hear the gay.â
âWe donât know that those slushies didnât have vodka in it!â
âMaybe you should put on your toe-toe socks while youâre wearing your little fancy shoes.â
â *random seal noises while clapping* â
âOh, youâre really drawing. Okay, Papa Ross.â
âI got roasted last time, so Iâm just listening to other people now.â
âDiagnosis me, Babey!â
âCanât be anxious if you befriend everyone in the classroom.â
âShe confessed her overwhelming love for me and then stabbed me with a violin bow. She stabbed me because I rejected her.â
âHave a good walk home! Hopefully, nobody follows you.â
âWhat makes me unique is that I crack my body every time that I move.â
âI evaluate your taste in music and then base your letter grade on it.â
âIâm sure it will be a good memory, but itâs still too fresh right now.â
âHeâs smart but not, like, school smart.â
âWe need to get you off the cocaine, mister. This is not good, these drugs, I tell ya.â
âI need to make sure to take a shit before classes.â
âHi, king! Stay toxic!â
âOh, these titties? Why yes theyâre all-natural.â
âIs this reminiscent of the fact that you havenât felt love in ten years?â
âI donât need to eat water anyway.â
âI like how weâre just sitting here, calmly doing our homework while brutal murder plays on our television.â
âThat can only exist on an album cover for Mumford and Sons and nothing else.â
âWe did not have sex with (Name), this comes more from word of mouth.â
âHe says itâs because I cripple my family.â
âWholesome, but make it sexy.â
âHe protecc, but he doesnât attac. He has anxiety.â
âI donât study dicks!â
âI got called an alcoholic baby.â
âThe Lord giveth, and he gives us alcohol in celebration.â
âJust bash his head in, babe.â
âHomie, weâre all gay. Do you see all the flannels and cardigans?â
âIt was hotter than a witchâs tit in there.â
âMistake number one of true crime. Be a happy and normal family.â
âIf you ever get down on yourself for not being accepted by anything, know that youâre accepted by this.â
âIâll force you to socialize for seven hours with no breaks. Youâd be dead on the spot.â
âIâm stressed, but weâre vibing, I guess.â
âRemember, if you donât set up any goals, you canât not reach them.â
âNaked and afraid in a Target bathroom.â
âI canât believe you keep pulling your cock out while playing Clue.â
âDonât you remember when you first came in and went, âyouâre no longer gay?â
âYou just need to give yourself the grace of being shitty.â
âEveryoneâs sick right now, so theyâre calling it the Frat Flu.â
âBecause thatâs what we want, our son staring at his motherâs titties.â
âA girl at work showed me a picture of her boyfriend and, without thinking, I went âaw! Charity work!â
âDonât you start with me, Christian Samantha.â
âPussygetter3000. My first Gmail account.â
âEverybody loves grandma.â
âYeah, I was a terrible child.â
âDid you just say crying sesh?â
âHow are we doing over here, guys? A little dead on the inside?â
âVirgin Mary, but make it STD.â
âThe biggest fuck you â Our religious trauma inviting us to a chapel.â
âI once had a dream that I fucked my grandma.â
âIf itâs not at least a little bit criminally illegal, we donât want it.â
âDo you think that if I hugged my computer hard enough, itâll transfer the information to it?â
âI wanna draw her like one of my French girls.â
âGrandpa died in me.â
âMy brother is being shady. Heâs being nice to me.â
âA stranger asked: Male or female? I said MF. Motherfucker.â
âI look eye so hard.â
âNot everyone has the same feeling in the butt.â
âI canât have my happiness rely on anyone, much less a 21-year-old white man.â
âThat seems awfully suspicious that a grown man is showing you his cockpit.â
âSometimes⌠My mind is a prison.â
âThis can also go the other way. I can also psychologically damage.â
âItâs just going to get harder. I donât know why Iâm assuming that this is the worst.â
âIf youâre sad and you know it, clap your hands.â *clap, clap*
âMother of Propaganda.â
âGoodnight. I hope you have night terrors.â
âI never met someone who could make a stomach ache a personality trait.â
â(Name) is my permanent bed buddy.â
âStraight out of Mr. Starbucks himself, sheâll drink his pee.â
âBitch, itâs not a hoe phase. Youâre just sad, and a slut.â
âWow, I didnât know Pixar did Texas Chainsaw Massacre.â
âI am not feared enough in my lifetime, so I shall be feared in my afterlife.â
âThey absolutely destroyed me. I am no longer in one piece down there.â
âYou were also once a crying, screaming mucus.â
âPolice? Theyâre here for you.â
âWow, youâre just an evil slut.â
âPOV: Iâm breaking into your apartment.â
âYeah. Eighteen minutes of unconsciousness.â
âI know. Iâm not dead. Just on the inside.â
âZero dollars is acceptable, but more than zero dollars is greatly appreciated.â
âHe is, uh, an incest baby.â
âIâm helping our child commit his first kill!â
âI like beating (Name).â
âIâm sorry. Iâm still dying.â
âHi. Iâm Mommy, nice to meet you.â
âHuh. Thatâs interesting â That doesnât look very wholesome.â
âJust because Iâm dreary doesnât mean the weather needs to be dreary.â
âHe cries every night because he canât be Mistletoe Daddy.â
âYouâre gonna shoot him with a gun?!â
âShe said that she would shoot him, put the gun in the hole and push it until itâs in there.â
âSimilar to Pitbull, âAlready been there, done that.â
âNo idea. Because I have no perception of time.â
âItâs fun to mess with (Name) because you mess with them, and they just sort of buffer.â
âYouâre nerds (derogatory).â
âOnce, we were playing Uno, and it was not looking good for him, so he goes, âThis has to be a race thing.â
âNo. I cannot be responsible for another living thing.â
âThe Vietnam war could have been an email.â
âI like the idea of maybe falling to my death.â
âIs it when I sell my toe pics, and they donât tax me?â
âA bridge. Throw yourself.â
âGrandmommy? Grandmommy.â
âIf she doesnât bust her hip during sex, sheâs too young for me.â
âDidnât get a birthday card in the mail this morning. Iâm a little hurt. But itâs okay.â
âWhat do you think Mickey Mouse sounds like when heâs getting pegged?â
âI laughed so hard that I grew abs.â
âAnother day, another painkiller.â
âIâm desensitized to people being mad at me, so Iâm like fuck it!â
âIâm more than just⌠A nine-year-oldâs body.â
âCoochie out on a Tuesday afternoon.â
âI spill water, I spill alcoholic beverages, and Iâm going to spill myself.â
âHated a strong word. I highly dislike her person.â
âAt least Iâm better than Ted Bundy.â
âWe will allow incest on this occasion.â
âIt was extremely mildly uncomfortable.â
âYou just want to get laid out by a female so bad.â
âI want to kick him into the sewer, starve him of water and watch him cripple away.â
âSomeone asked if they were Christmas tears.â
âOkay. Iâm just going to go drink water and pray for attention.â
@runbarryrxn / @petergcrdon / @shadowshxwman / @tamaranstar / @womanofthemoxnd / @yelenxbelovedâ / @pxisonkissâ