Shit I Heard At College Starters!
Taken from things that I have heard around campus within the last semester. Some of these have already been edited. You can change them however you see fit!
“I know. I’ve seen the tweets.”
“I’m already a pain in the ass. I didn’t want to be a bigger pain in the ass.”
“I just saw the spinning wheels of an invisible entity.”
“This taffy don’t feel laughy.”
“R.L Stone is probably in purgatory, oh god!”
“I didn’t have any trauma, so I have to make my own.”
“I met a stripper, her name’s Coco, we bonded.”
“The one thing that got me sober: Child death.”
“Can you bring a raccoon back? I want a pet.”
“If you see a guy who’s way too happy to be sober. Don’t worry, he’s definitely sober. He’s a good kid.”
“I’m here to wreck your home. Your kitchen? Gone. Family room? Gone.”
“See, I respect crazy but only if it’s done correctly.”
“Biologically? They’re twenty-five, but spiritually they are eight thousand.”
“Oh my god, I am a switch. You don’t have to keep bringing it up.”
“How fucking dare you imply it’s the gay one? I would never disrespect it with heteronormative sex.”
“Cover your ears. I don’t want you to hear the gay.”
“We don’t know that those slushies didn’t have vodka in it!”
“Maybe you should put on your toe-toe socks while you’re wearing your little fancy shoes.”
“ *random seal noises while clapping* “
“Oh, you’re really drawing. Okay, Papa Ross.”
“I got roasted last time, so I’m just listening to other people now.”
“Can’t be anxious if you befriend everyone in the classroom.”
“She confessed her overwhelming love for me and then stabbed me with a violin bow. She stabbed me because I rejected her.”
“Have a good walk home! Hopefully, nobody follows you.”
“What makes me unique is that I crack my body every time that I move.”
“I evaluate your taste in music and then base your letter grade on it.”
“I’m sure it will be a good memory, but it’s still too fresh right now.”
“He’s smart but not, like, school smart.”
“We need to get you off the cocaine, mister. This is not good, these drugs, I tell ya.”
“I need to make sure to take a shit before classes.”
“Oh, these titties? Why yes they’re all-natural.”
“Is this reminiscent of the fact that you haven’t felt love in ten years?”
“I don’t need to eat water anyway.”
“I like how we’re just sitting here, calmly doing our homework while brutal murder plays on our television.”
“That can only exist on an album cover for Mumford and Sons and nothing else.”
“We did not have sex with (Name), this comes more from word of mouth.”
“He says it’s because I cripple my family.”
“Wholesome, but make it sexy.”
“He protecc, but he doesn’t attac. He has anxiety.”
“I got called an alcoholic baby.”
“The Lord giveth, and he gives us alcohol in celebration.”
“Just bash his head in, babe.”
“Homie, we’re all gay. Do you see all the flannels and cardigans?”
“It was hotter than a witch’s tit in there.”
“Mistake number one of true crime. Be a happy and normal family.”
“If you ever get down on yourself for not being accepted by anything, know that you’re accepted by this.”
“I’ll force you to socialize for seven hours with no breaks. You’d be dead on the spot.”
“I’m stressed, but we’re vibing, I guess.”
“Remember, if you don’t set up any goals, you can’t not reach them.”
“Naked and afraid in a Target bathroom.”
“I can’t believe you keep pulling your cock out while playing Clue.”
“Don’t you remember when you first came in and went, “you’re no longer gay?”
“You just need to give yourself the grace of being shitty.”
“Everyone’s sick right now, so they’re calling it the Frat Flu.”
“Because that’s what we want, our son staring at his mother’s titties.”
“A girl at work showed me a picture of her boyfriend and, without thinking, I went ‘aw! Charity work!”
“Don’t you start with me, Christian Samantha.”
“Pussygetter3000. My first Gmail account.”
“Everybody loves grandma.”
“Yeah, I was a terrible child.”
“Did you just say crying sesh?”
“How are we doing over here, guys? A little dead on the inside?”
“Virgin Mary, but make it STD.”
“The biggest fuck you — Our religious trauma inviting us to a chapel.”
“I once had a dream that I fucked my grandma.”
“If it’s not at least a little bit criminally illegal, we don’t want it.”
“Do you think that if I hugged my computer hard enough, it’ll transfer the information to it?”
“I wanna draw her like one of my French girls.”
“My brother is being shady. He’s being nice to me.”
“A stranger asked: Male or female? I said MF. Motherfucker.”
“Not everyone has the same feeling in the butt.”
“I can’t have my happiness rely on anyone, much less a 21-year-old white man.”
“That seems awfully suspicious that a grown man is showing you his cockpit.”
“Sometimes… My mind is a prison.”
“This can also go the other way. I can also psychologically damage.”
“It’s just going to get harder. I don’t know why I’m assuming that this is the worst.”
“If you’re sad and you know it, clap your hands.” *clap, clap*
“Goodnight. I hope you have night terrors.”
“I never met someone who could make a stomach ache a personality trait.”
“(Name) is my permanent bed buddy.”
“Straight out of Mr. Starbucks himself, she’ll drink his pee.”
“Bitch, it’s not a hoe phase. You’re just sad, and a slut.”
“Wow, I didn’t know Pixar did Texas Chainsaw Massacre.”
“I am not feared enough in my lifetime, so I shall be feared in my afterlife.”
“They absolutely destroyed me. I am no longer in one piece down there.”
“You were also once a crying, screaming mucus.”
“Police? They’re here for you.”
“Wow, you’re just an evil slut.”
“POV: I’m breaking into your apartment.”
“Yeah. Eighteen minutes of unconsciousness.”
“I know. I’m not dead. Just on the inside.”
“Zero dollars is acceptable, but more than zero dollars is greatly appreciated.”
“He is, uh, an incest baby.“
“I’m helping our child commit his first kill!”
“I’m sorry. I’m still dying.”
“Hi. I’m Mommy, nice to meet you.”
“Huh. That’s interesting — That doesn’t look very wholesome.”
“Just because I’m dreary doesn’t mean the weather needs to be dreary.”
“He cries every night because he can’t be Mistletoe Daddy.”
“You’re gonna shoot him with a gun?!”
“She said that she would shoot him, put the gun in the hole and push it until it’s in there.”
“Similar to Pitbull, “Already been there, done that.”
“No idea. Because I have no perception of time.”
“It’s fun to mess with (Name) because you mess with them, and they just sort of buffer.”
“You’re nerds (derogatory).”
“Once, we were playing Uno, and it was not looking good for him, so he goes, “This has to be a race thing.”
“No. I cannot be responsible for another living thing.”
“The Vietnam war could have been an email.”
“I like the idea of maybe falling to my death.”
“Is it when I sell my toe pics, and they don’t tax me?”
“A bridge. Throw yourself.”
“Grandmommy? Grandmommy.”
“If she doesn’t bust her hip during sex, she’s too young for me.”
“Didn’t get a birthday card in the mail this morning. I’m a little hurt. But it’s okay.”
“What do you think Mickey Mouse sounds like when he’s getting pegged?”
“I laughed so hard that I grew abs.”
“Another day, another painkiller.”
“I’m desensitized to people being mad at me, so I’m like fuck it!”
“I’m more than just… A nine-year-old’s body.”
“Coochie out on a Tuesday afternoon.”
“I spill water, I spill alcoholic beverages, and I’m going to spill myself.”
“Hated a strong word. I highly dislike her person.”
“At least I’m better than Ted Bundy.”
“We will allow incest on this occasion.”
“It was extremely mildly uncomfortable.”
“You just want to get laid out by a female so bad.”
“I want to kick him into the sewer, starve him of water and watch him cripple away.”
“Someone asked if they were Christmas tears.”
“Okay. I’m just going to go drink water and pray for attention.”
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