I was sexually active at 12
It’s now 12:15 and my arm is killing me
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@shadowsfate
I was sexually active at 12
It’s now 12:15 and my arm is killing me

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Counting Down the Days to Halloween Like…
Ok … that’s not bodypaint … that’s magic!
Artist: Melissa Croft
Aziraphale’s phone rings. He answers, expecting it to be Crowley. But to his surprise, it’s a demon he’s never met.
“I’m Crowley’s replacement,” the demon says. “He’s not done anything impressive lately, and Downstairs doesn’t like how ineffective he is at keeping you in line. So now he’s shuffling paperwork and scooping up hellhound shit while I do his job for him.”
“Ah… I see,” Aziraphale says icily. “Well, I most assuredly do not look forward to working with you.”
The demon laughs. “Feeling’s mutual.”
Twenty-four hours later, the demon is very surprised to find himself discorporated in his sleep. He can’t explain what happened, he has absolutely no idea.
“Don’t let it happen again,” Beelzebub says, annoyed, and sends the demon back up.
After a mere three days, the demon ends up discorporated again.
A new replacement is sent up. This one lasts for a week and a day.
A third replacement is sent up. This one lasts for exactly four hours.
Three demons are sent up next time. Two manage to stay alive for at least five months. In that time, they botch four very important temptations, and the citizens of London inexplicably find their daily lives much improved in thousands of little ways. Traffic and pollution are nonexistent, injury and illness are miraculously avoided. Church attendance is up five hundred percent, and every politician and CEO is struck by the urge to donate as much money as possible to charity. There’s a general feeling of contentedness and goodwill in the air that wasn’t there before. It feels downright heavenly.
Suddenly, Beelzebub is having a very hard time finding anyone to take Crowley’s post. Bribes and threats make no difference. The rumors have spread and only grown more disturbing in the telling. Not one demon is willing to go up there and face the cold, calculated, merciless wrath of the angel known as Aziraphale.
Crowley absolutely loses it when someone gets around to telling him. “Y’know, I could’ve warned you,” he says gleefully. “Been working with him for thousands of years. I know exactly how much of a bastard he can be.”
After running the numbers and seeing how many souls they’ve lost to Heaven in the past year, Beelzebub gives up and concludes that trying to replace Crowley is a massive waste of resources Hell can’t afford.
After one year, Aziraphale receives another phone call. He answers, with bated breath, and nearly shouts for joy when he hears a familiar voice.
“Hi, angel. Lunch on me?”
Edit: OP is on Tumblr and has posted it here too. Check it out
This. Is. Perfectly. Hilarious. 😆
As a Psychiatrist.... I do recommend ”Aziraphale T.M.” for depression and anxiety take one each night and you'll feel the difference - every 9 of 10 Crowley’s around the world recommend it
Warning: side effects may include - crepes weakness - books passion- and softness or wimpiness
It was too soft for the 10th Crowley....he died of softness.

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Artist Walead Beshty Shipped Glass Boxes Inside FedEx Boxes to Produce Shattered Sculptures
cant tell if pretentious or just petty about their experience with fedex
you say that like they’re mutually exclusive
THANK GOD FOR WHO EVER MADE THIS.
For those wondering,
double triple - six patties bossy - all beef deluxe - with everything (lettuce, onions, tomato, etc) on a raft - on toast 4x4 - 4 patty by 4 cheese, so (6x4) 24 patties and 24 slices of cheese animal-style - cooked in mustard extra shingles - extra toast with a shimmy - jelly on the toast and a squeeze - orange juice on the side light axle grease - with butter make it cry - extra onions burn it - well done let it swim - extra sauce
You forgot the orange juice on the side
the only valid addition to this post
IM CRYING
Just gonna ignore that the picture as been edited to say Ass instead of pizza
this is making me lose it
“is it??”

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?” The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man says, “All right, all right. I’m *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?” The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.” The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.” The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.” The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.” The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?” The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst. Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.” The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound. But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk
Originally posted by disneyasastrology
BWAHAHAHAHAH.
the way i learned this, it was always told through spoken word. And you’d do the door thing for ages. AGES. literally just making up any old material. ‘behind the foam door is a door made of spinach’ that kind of shit. Go on until whoever is listening has already begged you to stop and has now gone on to pleading, clutching your shirt on their knees pleading. And when you finally said the last line? People went fucking nuts Like there was a good chance of just getting the teeth knocked out of you after telling that joke.
A friend of mine did that shit for 30 minutes on a camp once. The entire fucking bus just exploded in anger when she finished. It was a fucking massacre.
my armenian father getting angry at a squirrel
“you are. stealink…. my nuts…”
Hilarious Posts from Tumblr That Will Make You Think and Then Cackle
Brazilian cherries aren’t related to common cherries at all! They look like this and taste rather sour:
Also, if you’re not used to them, Brazilian grapetrees look really alien:
The fruit is formed in the trunk, not the branches!
The brazilian cherries and are actually called “pitangas”, they’re pretty good! And the grapetrees are “jabuticabeiras” (fruit’s called jabuticaba)
Just some trivia info from a brazilian~
Shiny pumpkin fruit!
TERRIFYING NIGHTMARE TREE!
EXCUSE ME, I WAS RAISED ON TERRIFYING NIGHTMARE TREES, AND THE BLACKENED ORBS CORRUPTING THEM TASTE DELICIOUS
I want the forbidden nightmare fruit.
Yes. These bastards (and actually the whole Sheikah design) is based on the japanese Jomon pottery.
you….. you understand the implications of this, right? the pottery is finally revolting against Link after all these years
And not just any pottery. The oldest piece of Jomon pottery is somewhere around 16,500 years old, making it the earliest example of pottery in Japan and one of the earliest in the entire world.
Link has smashed so many vases that the Elder Pots themselves are coming to kill him.

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Hilarious Signs That’ll Make You Do a Double Take (x)