These are applicable to all humans

long winded self-pity party

im sorry

i'm mentally ill. Like, diagnosed, confirmed schizoid personality disorder. And I hate it, like every other part of being me.

I hate that I want to be normal but I will never be. That I know I can't take responsibilities and stress I HAVE to take because I have to be employed. I hate that I can't be reliable support for my mother (health problems), for my grandmother (old age, senile). I hate waking up every morning, hate to leave the apartment, hate to bear eight hours at work, hate eating (oh loathe that especially, self-violation every time). I hate that I cry easily at every minor instance of the world not giving me what I want, full blown chocking hysterics. In public places too. At work. At home.

I hate that I keep deluding myself into thinking my pathological behavior patterns are quirky little oddities of a Creative Person. I hate that this is symptoms. That it will never be anything else.

I hate that I can't do something artistic. I lack energy, and my ideas honestly are bizarre and illogical at best. Even if I had talent, time and will to realise them at least half-way, no one would understand and care. Characters and worlds I love deserve better.

The only constant wish i had since i was 15 was to be someone, anyone else, just not me. I don't want to change what happens to me, I want to change who I am in those situations. I want to stop being me. Sometimes I wish I just go fucking crazy all the way. I wouldn't care then.