Lately, life has been breaking me in ways I never thought possible. I put myself in a difficult situation, and I’m living with the consequences every single day. I take accountability for my choices, but that doesn’t make carrying the weight any easier. Nearly every day, I feel like I’m drowning, trying to keep my head above water while making sure my son never sees how much I’m hurting. It’s just me and my son. We may not have much, but we have each other. He’s only 7 years old, has special needs, and depends on me for everything. Every decision I make, every sacrifice I’ve made, has been for him. I don’t regret putting him first. I never will. If anything, I wish I could give him so much more than what I’m able to right now.
People see the assistance we receive through the Regional Center, respite care, IHSS, SSI, and child support, but what they don’t see is that it still isn’t enough. The bills keep coming. Life doesn’t pause just because you’re struggling. After almost three years searching for a job that is flexible with my schedule, I finally got a part time job. I was proud of myself because I thought maybe this was the beginning of getting back on my feet. Instead, I still find myself wondering how I’m going to make everything work. It’s exhausting constantly choosing which bill has to wait and praying nothing unexpected happens.
On top of everything, my heart is grieving a loss that few people truly understand. Losing my baby is a pain I carry in silence. Some days I’m okay, and other days the grief hits me without warning. I think about what could have been, and my heart shatters all over again. At the same time, I was trying to survive the end of a relationship that left me feeling used, betrayed, and questioning my own worth.
The truth is, I’m tired. I’m tired of pretending I’m strong all the time. I’m tired of smiling when I’m barely holding myself together. I’m tired of crying in private because I don’t want my son to see his mom falling apart. There are nights I lie awake wondering how much more I can carry before I completely break. The hardest part isn’t being broke. It isn’t being alone. It’s feeling like I’m failing the one person who means everything to me. My son deserves the world, and it breaks my heart that I can’t always give him everything I wish I could. But no matter how heavy life gets, I will keep fighting. I have to. My son is watching me, learning from me, and depending on me. Even on the days when I feel like I have nothing left, I will choose him. Every single time.
