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the name i've had since birth? pretty sold. why, what were you thinking? maybe it could be good not to be named after a minion.

yeah, that one! no offense, but it's just kind of... blah, you know? like, who's ever moaned the name kevin? have you thought about something more fun like phoenix or açai?

I didn't mean that you were scary, just that your reluctance made it seem like a story without a happy ending. You nailed that, but I'm far from afraid of ya. Pretty face and all. Thanks, Sugar. Concealer? I dunno, I don't wanna look like I'm wearing a mask. My pants and hair too? Damn. I'm wounded.

oh. well, that's 'cause it was. like, super traumatic, actually. but i came out the other side of it braver and prettier than before. it's not a mask, it's just a touch-up. all the big actors wear makeup, you know. i could have you looking so hot in just one afternoon. you'd have all the ladies bringing back those fainting couches they used to have in old movies.

That makes two of us. It's enough to deal with my own mind; I don't need it bogged down with their crap too.

plus the scarring that'd come with it. like, imagine the trauma we'd get stuck with if we had to see what was inside mr. schue's head? pass!

ngl, i hadn't really thought about it, but i guess i could use some back up friends. but, quick question- how sold are you on the name kevin?

Wow, babe. That is so brave of you. Opening auditions like you're not still blacklisted after what happened? I'll keep my mouth shut, but you should probably worry about everyone else that was at that birthday party too.

breeeee, i just said we don't have to talk about it!!!!

Now, usually I don't audition for supporting roles. I'm a lead, always have been, but I have to admit, your pitch was compelling. Lavish gifts, curated social appearances and the chance to orbit your undoubtedly incandescent star? It's tempting. Couple of quick clarifications before i send in my application and a brief monologue from 'Death Of A Salesman.'

hmm... you make some good points. well, the ones i read were good, anyway. my eyes kind of glazed over for some of that - you talk a lot. but that's not necessarily a deal-breaker. sometimes i need breaks to sip my drinks anyway, so you could get all your yapping out then.

I respect you for being blunt about what you're looking for, Sugar. I don't know if I'm bestie coded for anyone, but if you ever want to go shopping or hang out I can work on it. And you don't have to buy me anything. So would I be Nicole in this scenario?

it's the only way to get what you want. people aren't mind-readers - and thank god for that. i definitely wouldn't want to read the minds of some of the people around here. like, ew.

I really want to ask what happened but I'm also kinda scared. Let's be honest, I don't think I'd even rank on the Sugar Motta beauty scale. But what kind of things does this person need to pretend to be into?

me? scary? never! a little intimidating maybe, but that's just because i'm pretty and rich, not because i'm scary. pinky promise. oh, come on, be nicer to yourself, brodster. you're totally cute. you just need a little concealer and pants that fit, maybe do something different with your hair, and boom. total rockstar.

This sounds like a lot of pressure for someone who once wore mismatched socks to a formal. But hey, I do own a calendar, I can pretend to like expensive tea, and I promise not to out-hot you. Do I make the next round?

oh, mikey. see, this is why you need me! i will make sure that not only do your socks always match, but that they're made by prada.

hard no on both of those actually.

wow. what kind of friend are you??

sugar sugar sugar - am i eligible or am i past the scale of 'hotness'

hmm. good question. would you be willing to get a botched nose job? or at least majorly screw up your eyebrows?