Blasphemy, Buggery, and Boredom

Ever so often memories of a specific day/evening come flooding back. It was the best day of my life so far. I am terrified that it will be THE best day of my life. I cannot imagine how other days could ever compete. The simple basic things that make me happy in abundance.

I wish I was smart enough to know when I am being used. I also wish I was smart enough to know when I am being a bother. I worry that everyone who says I am intelligent and have a good mind is just playing some joke on me, or they are just trying to be nice to someone who does not know better.

I feel trapped in this town. I should have left right after my grandma died, but I did not want to leave my mother alone to deal with all of my grandma's hoard and estate. There was other unfinished business too here. Word of advice, do not put your life on hold for others. You do not get that time back. The flood that destroyed a lot of my possessions set me back financially, too. My escape fund is not as well-padded as it once was. I regret caring about people. I hate typing that. That feels like it goes against the core of who I am as a person. You do not get your time back. Being a good person gets you trampled upon. I should have reported my ex for domestic abuse. She would not have a good job right now. I most likely would. The person who thought of me as her father would probably have ended up in a foster home because of it. I should not have cared. One of the things that really broke me to my core over the past two years is that I used to think people could come together to try to build a better world, a better community, a better society on a small scale. People only want romantic partners. If you are not related to someone, and you try to help them, they assume you are doing it to try to get in their pants. I feel like I was too stupid or too idealistic to realize that. I thought at one time that it was an option to want someone in your life as a friend, no matter what, and try to build a better world together. People only want to do that with romantic partners. Not even then really. They want a better world for themselves. A better life for themselves, the world be damned. Who can blame them, I guess? We are all just trying to survive. The world is terrible. People are all terrible and annoying, and we just choose how much we want to tolerate a romantic partner while we use them for what they can do for us. We are all basically settling. Settling is just how it is. I guess, that is how it is. I feel like an alien a lot of times. I have been trying to just not see certain behavior as untolerable lately. There is a person who has said she wants to marry me. She is currently in a relationship with someone else. She is an alcoholic. She has punched her boyfriend in the face before when he pissed her off. She once gave me a light punch to the nose when I said something. I think that is just how life is. She loves me well enough. She wants to take me around the world, and fuck my brains out. If she gets a bit violent when drunk, I think that is a price I am willing to pay. I could be dealing with a lot worse.

I have somehow become the best friend to either a sociopath or the most autistic person I have ever met (or both). I am definitely ignoring a bunch of red flags, but hey, you only live once. Her family is really rich. She has basically offered to be at her family's compound in the event of a shit hits the fan event. She also says she loves me. We have done a lot that her boyfriend does not know about it at all. She is a bit of an alcoholic. I am kind of worried that me livng an hour away and not being in the same town is making her sad and making her drink more than she would otherwise. I think I love her. She wants to take me to see the world, and her family has the money.

For most of my life I have more or less been able to think where everything that I own is, or at least in theory should be. My memory ist just really, really good like that. Also, I tend to be really organized. Then the flood came and destroyed a lot of my possessions. I had to throw so many things out in a short time, that I was not really able to fully process everything. Things were just falling apart from being soggy, too waterlogged to even take out of containers, etc. Things were just tossed into the pile of things to be thrown away in the corner of the guest bedroom. At one point, I made a nice little series of pages in a music journal that a friend once gave me that detailed all the various main ragas. I am not sure of that music journal still exists or not. It had the sheet music to a few songs I have written over the years too. I am pretty sure it is gone. I think it was on the bottom shelf or below a bookcase on the floor. I am not sure. So much of life is just in the past.

I want to just sleep. I want the world to be different. I am exhausted from caring.