oh no, I'm alive

"but why killing yourself, world is so beautiful!" i do not belong nor to the beauty of this world nor to the world itself and it gave me enough signs to understand that throughout all the years

my family don't need me and they explicitly show it at every possible opportunity my friends do not need me, they interact and engage only when i'm funny and don't bother them all of the people around me in online spaces do not remember about my existence without me reminding them, but even then they don't seem to notice me most of the time even as an artist, i don't think anyone will ever miss the lack of art from my side why am i still here?

gaslighting myself i'm not depressed enough bc i had never made an attempt

i know that partner cannot replace therapist and it's wrong to seek out love as a cure but i swear a long tight hug right now would make a lot of things easier

being a depressed artist is always thinking that you did a poor job after completing another art piece, and even though you put a lot of effort you will always remain this mediocre, that your art is mid, boring and is unable to catch people's attention and there is nothing inside of it, and then you think you will drop art eventually - sooner the better