the spice rack

It's not a joke. You know that. But it doesn't feel real. Nanami says it like he's from the local newspaper: a woman grew a gargantuan zucchini, they're repaving the highway, he's dying-

"Uh." You swallow and try to think of the appropriate reaction. It's not like you know the man past early morning small talk; it's not like you can ask why or how or when. "Oh my god, I'm so sorry."

He nods with a shrug, very casually, then brings his drink to his lips and drains the whole thing in one big gulp. The waiter described the whisky as smooth, and yet Nanami shakes away the taste. You follow suit, draining your own drink with a little less grace.

"You're the first person I've told," he says after a while, with an levity he's never had before. "I don't have anyone else to tell."

Oh. There's no window into other's lives, no secret door to peer through and learn what's going on when the curtains are drawn. You almost reach a hand over the table, but the waiter comes with the first course of what you assume to be the tasting menu. He asks if you both would like second drinks and Nanami nods firmly. When the waiter looks to you, you look back at the man who's paying; Nanami raises a brow as if he's surprised.

"Order whatever you want."

You do. You need something to do with your hands. Nanami does too-- he keeps twisting at his watch, this tastefully elegant, refined thing with a beautiful face, something only with discerning taste and deep pockets could choose. The interruption has only built tension between the two of you. There's so many questions, but you refuse to ask them.

Nanami clears his throat.

"I poured my life into my work." Nanami examines his plate. You had nearly forgotten there was food in front of you. "I told myself that I could always go on vacation next year, once I had the promotion or once business slowed down. That I could start a family in a couple of years, once I had the time to do it properly. I could see my friends, visit my nephew, once I had the time."

He picks up his fork.

"Now, I'm forty, I have no time, and I have no one."

You wonder about his parents, his nephew, his sister. No man is an island: someone must love Nanami. Someone must.

"So, yes. I did invite you here simply to share the menu," Nanami says. This whole time, he's been placid. He takes a bite of his food, chewing thoughtfully for a long, long time. "Do you like it?"

You still haven't tasted it.

"I'm really sorry." is all you can manage to say. You think of texting your mother, despite everything between you.

"If this goes well, I have a proposition," he continues, taking another bite. "Pretend to be my partner. Just for a couple months, until I'm a burden. I would pay you, of course-"

"I'm sorry, I'm not-- I going to have sex with you-" you blurt out, too loudly for the mature space around you.

His eyes go ridiculously wide and he throws up his hands in defense. "I would never, ever ask that of anyone. This isn't about-- I don't expect-- I don't expect any physical contact. Just companionship."

You aren't sure you believe him. Why would you? Despite his boyish smile and romantic blinde hair, he's a man. You don't even know if he's really dying.

"I just..." Nanami sighs. "I want to live in a delusion for a bit. I want to pretend I didn't waste my life."

Wasted life. You want to laugh. There's no way to relate to how he feels, but you know the feeling of the days feeling worthless. The coffeehouse has been draining your soul as your college degree sits around, gathering dust.

"I-- Can I think about it?"

Nanami nods. "Of course."

"If I say no, would you still pay for dinner?"

Again, he gives you a perturbed look.

"I'm not a monster. Of course I would. This isn't a place you go on a barista salary."

Brutal, but true. You finally taste the food in front of you, chewing slowly as an excuse to think. What does companionship even entail? Do you have to pretend to be in love with him, or can you keep being yourself?

"I think you wasted this meal on me," you whisper. "I don't like it very much."

Nanami breaks into his first smile of the night. He leans back in his chair with a ghost of a laugh.

"I didn't either," he admits. "Six more courses, though. Hopefully, we'll like one."

"I'll buy a pizza for us if we don't," you offer. "I can afford that on a barista budget."

.

Nanami doesn't let you pay for the slice.

you happily got dressed while nanami watched. he admired the way your style complimented your personality. he payed attention to the small things. the way you’d pucker your lips when you admired yourself in the mirror, the look of satisfaction on your face when your hair turned out just right. he especially loved that sweet smile that’d cross your face when he’d compliment you. the way still blush a little and get a bit shy even after years of being together. he could never get tired of that. of this. for as long as he lived.

once done, you slipped on your jacket and shoes, making your way out to the car with nanami, and off you went to the animal shelter.

he looked over at you, making sure you were buckled in, before turning on the car. he waited a few seconds for the car to warm up, and pulled out of the driveway with a grounding and comforting hand on your thigh—thumb rubbing gentle, soothing circles, driving through the calm road. on the ride there, you scrolled through the animal shelter’s website, occasionally throwing an “awhhh” and “kento, lookkkk”, with a pout.

to which nanami would give a small smile and a “that’s cute” because, honestly? he lost track of how many cats you showed him.

finally, after you showed nanami basically every animal at the shelter, he pulled into the parking lot of the shelter. he got out of the car, opening your door for you because for some reason he really like doing that.

he kept a hand around your waist as he opened the door and guided you in to the front desk.

you spoke with the employee working at the front desk, the employee typing your information into the computer and handed you a fill out sheet. once done, the worker led you into the back, where you could hear a couple cats and kitties meowing. you were buzzing with excitement, that bright, pure, sweet smile that made nanami feel like a weak, weak man.

god, he was whipped. he was mesmerized by everything about you. the way your eyes glinted with adoration, the way you were practically smiling with all thirty-two teeth. the little crinkles at the outer corners of your eyes, the slight squint, and oh—don’t even get him started on your expressions.

the way you gasped, mouth parted when you saw an orange kitty-cat, your bottom lip jutting out a bit—forming a small pout on your lips. your expression completely and utterly tender, ethereal, beautiful, mesmerizing, gorgeous—god. words could never describe how he thought about you.

nanami trailed behind you as you walked down the room of kitties. each one having their own bunked crate.

and obviously, you stopped to see every single kitty. because, why not?

you crouched down to take a look at the bottom kitties, seeing a grey little kitty, a black one, a spotted one, a white one, and a little siamese one.

you stopped to look at every single kitty, until you’ve seen each and every last one there was.

you stuck your finger through the little bars of the crates to pet the little kitties, eating a playful paw, a nuzzle, or even a little bite. they were all so fluffy and cute you could probably die of cuteness aggression.

nanami was half brain dead at this point. all the cats looked the same to him, well, some of them looked the same to him. though he wasn’t much annoyed, more so, just…in love. like always.

when you pet the last kitty, you stood up, turning on your heel and walking back to one of the kitties you first saw. a light, blonde little kitty.

“ken, c’mere” you said, your soft voice full of adoration and absolute fondness for the little kitty.

it looked exactly like nanami in your opinion. his blonde hair, stoic expression, chocolate brown eyes. it was practically him in cat form.

nanami padded across the room to you. he stood behind you, leaning down a bit to get a good look at the kitty.

“that one?” he muttered, tilting and turning his head to look at you.

“yeah” you murmured. sure. with a nod.

he watched for a moment, as you pet the little kitty with your index finger, the kitty nuzzling into you finger and practically purring already.

“we have to, ken, look at her.” you almost whined, looking up at nanami with puppy eyes.

he let out a soft huff, looking down at you. his heart clenching at the sight. he looked at the cat, and back at you.

“you sure? you don’t wanna take one last look?”

he asked, sporting his hands in his pockets.

“i’m sure.” you replied, looking up at him still.

he was silent for a moment, taking in your expression. you really wanted this cat, didn’t you? you looked so entranced by the kitty. like your soul was attached to it or something. the glint in your eyes made nanami feel like he was fallling in love with you all over again.

“alright, let’s get’r”

you smiled brightly, springing to your feet and turning to the worker.

after filling out even more paperwork and paying the adoption fee, the worker finally gave a nod. “okay, wait here, i’ll bring her right out for you.”

then disappeared into the back.

in the meanwhile, nanami had gone to the car to fetch the crate in the trunk of his car. it’s been sitting there for months, ever since you first asked. but he was a bit stubborn, so he wasn’t going to give in right away.

after you carefully got the kitty into the crate, you two made your way back to the car. you got into the backseat with the kitty, not wanting to leave the poor little kitty alone. she was absolutely adorable. pupils blown wide, little paws, pawing at your wiggling finger through the door bars. you could probably cry from the sight of the little kitty.

through the rearview mirror, nanami stole a fee glances at you. he caught sight of your adoring smile, so amused by the kitten, the little giggles-god, the little giggles you let out. they were everything to nanami. everything.

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after going to petsmart and fetching a few necessities for the kitty, even some little toys to keep her entertained, you went back home.

stepping into the house, you toe off your shoes, hang your jacket and gently set the crate down on the floor, careful not to startle the kitty.

nanami watched as you crouched down next to the crate, carefully opening the little door to the crate. the kitten hesitated, paw hovering for a step forward, then retreating, and back to back it went.

after a long trial and error of trying to get the kitty out, you were able to bribe her out with a little bite of chicken. she was so shy, and playful, she was absolutely everything.

you set a little bed up for her in you and kento’s shared bedroom, setting it at the foot of your bed, so she’ll sleep close to you, or even jump onto the bed and sleep with you if she wanted.

you fed her some kibble, while nanami watched and admired the way you gently stroked the cat with your knuckle. the kitty was one of those that trembled, so it was pretty cute to him—seeing the way your brows furrowed in slight concern when you saw how the kitty was trembling like it was just threatened.

and lastly, after a long, long day of looking at adorable kitties—what better thing to do than watch a movie!

kento lied on the couch, back reclined against the armrest of the couch. you were settled between his legs, back against his chest, the kitty laying on your stomach, loafing, already purring softly, her eyes slowly squinting more and more as she got sleepy—a comfy, soft blanket pulled over you and kento, kento’s big, warm, calloused hands, soothingly roving over your body. your arms, shoulders, hands, waist, especially your little tummy pudge—anywhere he could reach. he pressed a soft kiss to the crown of your head, then your temple, before one of his hands found it’s home in your hair, carding through the soft locks, blunt fingernails massaging your scalp in that specific way you loved—the one that had you immediately melting.

there was a subtle look of admiration in his ephemeral eyes. god, he loved you; with his heart and soul. he could stay like this forever. right here, fingers carding through your hair, the weight of you on his chest, the adorable sight of you and the kitty. this was more than enough. this was what he needed all along. you. just you. always and forever.

he reached a hand to the kitty, lightly scratching at the back of the cat’s ear. he then tilted his head down to look at you—eyes locking. his eyes speaking for him, with all the love and affection he didn’t even know he could hold in his heart. he tucked a strand of hair behind your ear, his hands warm, soothing. gently cradling your cheek in his hand. “take care of her for me.”

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that’s when you woke up. you immediately sat up with a gasp, breathing unevenly as you buried your face in your hands.

you lifted your head, eyes drifting to the empty space next to you, the space where your loving husband once was. where kento would always be. right there, to pull you into his arms after a bad dream.

but he wasn’t there; he wasn’t going to be. not anymore.

just your cat. nana. curled into a ball, sleeping soundly. and you, in nanami’s shirt, sleeping planted at your side of the bed.

because every day, you hope to wake up from this torturing, gut wrenching, hair pulling nightmare; and see him there, admiring you as you slept. eyes droopy from tiredness but he couldn’t bring himself to close his eyes.

he never wanted to. he’d always stay up late. laying on his side, propped up on one elbow, the other hand gently carding through your hair. grounding. watching your eyes droop more and more, until you couldn’t keep them open any longer, your breathing falling into a rhythm and steadying.

he couldnt look away, even if he tried. he’d just lay there, staring like he still couldn’t believe you were his. eyes glinting with adoration and pure love. the little lamp in the corner emitting a pale, gold hue through the room, the hazy lighting making you look like an ethereal, half-remembered dream.

you sat there, tangled in the sheets that once held late night reassurances, confessions, dumb whispers, giggles, tears. love.

remembering how he smiled that one time during winter; when he saw snowflakes falling onto your eyelashes. you could still hear him dying of laughter—practically crying at the way you were standing there utterly confused, repeating “what’s so funny?” while he just flicked the snowflakes off your eyelashes; in the moment also accidentally flicking your eye, which earned him a slap to his bicep, and then turned into a snowball fight that you—obviously won.

(nanami actually won, but he didn’t have the heart to let himself win)

how you’d stay up late with him sometimes and try to talk while you were half asleep, mumbling barely coherent words that didn’t make sense. and that made him all the more, fall head over heels for you.

but something that makes you nauseous every time without fail, is that one late night talk you had with him.

he held you in his chest, the covers pulled securely over both of you; tucked into every corner like a monster would pop out from under the bed and tickle your feet.

his hand rested on your cheek, thumb grazing your cheekbone lightly. your head tilted up to look at him.

“you’re going to look breathtaking in white, someday.” he muttered, voice smooth, laced with sleepiness.

you smiled lazily, blinking at him through your sleep-drooped eyes. “yeah?”

“yeah.” he nodded firmly.

you giggled softly. “i bet you’re gonna cry when you see me walking down the isle.”

he smirked softly, a soft huff escaping his nose; more of a small laugh. eyes glinting with fondness and desire. “mm. with that smile of yours and that little face—shit, i might as well be sobbing, sweet girl.”

he suddenly got hit with a wave of cuteness regression, pulling you into him before you could even react, earning a strained ‘oof!-‘ from you, as he practically crushed you with his hug.

“kento!” you strained out, giggling—well, kinda wheezing from the air being knocked out of your lungs.

“i’m sorry, darling. you’re just too cute, i can’t help it.”

how you wish he hadn’t slipped away into death’s arms.

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my first post, AHHH!!! any advice or constructive criticism is greatly appreciated, i hope you guys enjoy this!!

missing nanami like hell, so no one’s getting a happy ending🤍