In today’s episode of Midnight Daydreams: Sansa Stark’s social intelligence, part II.
In the other post, I talked about how Sansa already shows social intelligence in A Game of Thrones, even when she is still being naive or trying to see Joffrey as the prince from the songs. She notices certain things, but she still tries to fit everything into the fantasy she wants to believe in.
The comments and reblogs from you all inspired me to look at a few other moments of hers and make a second part of the post.
I wanted to bring up two more passages that, to me, show this very well: Sansa understanding how words sound, how they affect people, and how a gesture can completely change the tone of what is being said.
The first one is from an Arya POV in A Game of Thrones:
“We were talking about the prince,” Sansa said, her voice soft as a kiss.
Arya knew which prince she meant: Joffrey, of course. The tall and handsome one. Sansa had been allowed to sit beside him at the feast. Arya had had to sit beside the little fat one.
“Joffrey likes your sister,” Jeyne whispered, as proud as if she had something to do with it. She was the daughter of Winterfell’s steward and Sansa’s best friend. “He told her she was very beautiful.”
“He’s going to marry her,” little Beth said dreamily, hugging the air. “Then Sansa will be queen of all the realm.”
Sansa had the grace to blush. And she blushed beautifully. She did everything beautifully, Arya thought with dull resentment.
“Beth, you shouldn’t make up stories,” Sansa scolded her, gently stroking her hair to take the harshness out of the words.
I really like this passage because it is small, but it says a lot.
The scene comes through Arya’s eyes, so everything already reaches us with a layer of irritation. Arya is seeing her sister as that girl who does everything “right”: she speaks beautifully, blushes beautifully, behaves like a lady. And that bothers Arya, because it is exactly the kind of thing she cannot do — and often does not even want to do.
But the detail that catches my attention the most is not Sansa blushing. It is the ending.
Sansa corrects Beth, but she does it carefully. She could simply cut the girl off, laugh at her, or say that it was nonsense. Instead, she tells Beth she should not make up stories and strokes her hair “to take the harshness out of the words.”
That is very interesting because it shows that Sansa already understands something simple, but important: it is not only what you say. It is how you say it.
She knows that a reprimand can sound harsh. So she tries to soften it. Sansa does not want to encourage Beth to make up stories, but she also does not want to embarrass her. And I think this kind of detail often goes unnoticed because it is very easy to look at Sansa in the first book and reduce everything to “she is naive” or “she just wants to be queen.”
She is naive, yes. She wants to be queen, yes. But that does not mean she is socially stupid.
Even in this very early moment, she already understands tone, appearance, embarrassment, and expectation. She knows she should not seem too eager about the idea of becoming queen. She knows she needs to respond with modesty. She knows how to correct Beth without turning it into a humiliation.
It is not yet a mature political skill, but it is already a social skill.
And I think this becomes even clearer in A Storm of Swords, when Tyrion observes Sansa during Joffrey and Margaery’s wedding:
He drank another cup of wine as he dressed, and then took his wife by the arm and escorted her out of the Kitchen Keep to join the river of silk, satin, and velvet flowing toward the throne room. Some guests had already taken their seats on the benches. Others were wandering in front of the doors, enjoying the unseasonable warmth of the afternoon. Tyrion paraded Sansa around the yard, in order to perform the usual courtesies.
She is good at this, he thought, as he watched her tell Lord Gyles that his cough seemed better, compliment Elinor Tyrell on her gown, and question Jalabhar Xho about wedding customs in the Summer Isles. Tyrion’s cousin, Ser Lancel, had been brought down by Ser Kevan; it was the first time he had left his bed since the battle. He looks terrible. Lancel’s hair had turned white and brittle, and he was thin as a spear. If his father had not been at his side to keep him standing, he surely would have fallen to the ground. But when Sansa praised his bravery and said how good it was to see him gaining his strength again, both Lancel and Ser Kevan beamed. She would have made a good queen, and an even better wife for Joffrey if he had had the good sense to love her. He wondered whether his nephew was capable of loving anyone.
This passage is basically Tyrion noticing the same thing in a more explicit way: Sansa is good at dealing with people.
And what is interesting is that she does not use a single “formula” of courtesy for everyone. She adapts the comment according to the person.
For Lord Gyles, she talks about his cough. For Elinor Tyrell, she compliments her dress. For Jalabhar Xho, she asks about the customs of the Summer Isles. For Lancel, she talks about bravery and recovery.
They are small comments, but they are not random. She notices what makes sense for each person. Lancel’s case is the clearest to me, because he is in such a vulnerable situation. Tyrion describes how weak and sick he looks, almost unable to stand. Sansa could have made an awkward comment, or shown pity, or simply avoided speaking to him too much.
But she chooses to praise his bravery and say that it is good to see him regaining his strength.
And Lancel and Kevan’s reaction shows that she got it right. They both “beamed.”
I think this detail matters because Sansa does not ignore Lancel’s situation, but she also does not reduce him to his weakness. She finds a way to speak to him that does not expose or diminish him. It is kindness, yes, but it is also social reading. She understands what can comfort someone without making them feel even more embarrassed.
That is why Tyrion thinks she would have made a good queen.
Not because she has power in that moment. She clearly does not. She is trapped in a marriage she did not choose, in a hostile court, surrounded by dangerous people. But even so, within the little space she has, she knows how to move through the room, talk, observe, and adjust her tone.
And to me, that is where the continuity between the two passages lies.
In the first book, Sansa softens a reprimand so she does not hurt Beth. In A Storm of Swords, she does something similar on a larger scale: she moves among nobles, saying small things that make each person feel a little more comfortable, flattered, or acknowledged.
I do not think this should be read as mere passivity. Courtesy is a language Sansa understands very early on. At first, she uses that language in a way that is still mixed with fantasy, ladylike education, and the desire to be admired. Later, as her situation gets worse, that same skill starts becoming a tool for survival. And it is very interesting how quickly Tyrion notices that she would have made a good queen because of her ability to read and please people, a trait of hers that is often undervalued by part of the ASOIAF fandom.
