Little Loneliness and Laughter
I’ll admit, I do come to Tumblr to be a bit more emotional than I do say on Facebook or Instagram. Idk, I feel like if a large amount of people who I personally know read about me feeling like shit, it makes a unneeded amount of people feel guilty and then a lot of what I like to call “Passing Empathy” to be thrown at me.
You know what that is, when people, in a bout to feel better about themselves, throw a lot of empty love towards you just because they want to be able to say that they’re “There for you.”
Anyway, I’ve had a lot of negative emotions building up lately. I’ve been feeling more and more distant and lazy, and am beginning to worry I may become worse.Â
Why? Well, being away from home, fear of failing, plus a lot of things that I’m trying to move on from, including a few emotional situations that I won’t get into on the internet because honestly, even I need my privacy on some things, but it’s mainly a long running problem with me; loneliness. I easily get lonely, ever since I was little. It never made sense to me, considering that I’ve been very blessed with a stable home life. As I grew older however, it made more sense as I realized that growing up is expanding outside of the comfort of your family and into society, which being honest, I kinda failed at. Yes, in recent years, I have finally broken my stigma and made a lot of friends, but my fear of losing people is still very real. It’s especially powerful nowadays in the romance corner of my life. I’m not currently dating, talking to anyone, anything, and while yes, I did make the conscious decision to stop looking for a boyfriend, that doesn’t mean I don’t want a relationship. I’m just fed up with talking to guys that in the end, just use me for my kindness or leave to screw another girl. And it especially sucks because at this point, every one of my closest friends are either in committed relationships, or are in the talking stage with someone. I’m jealous, I admit it. I’m scared that I won’t find someone, while really cliche, it is how I honestly feel. But more than that, I’m kept up at night by the idea that I won’t be happy with how my life unfolds. I’m afraid that I’ll always feel lonely.
Now, don’t get me wrong, most days I’m able to feel generally content and am able to go about the hours normally. Unfortunately, because of that, when I do have growing moments of being upset, I don’t say anything because I know that I won’t come off believable. People who I have opened up in front of before normally just stare at me and say “What the hell, five seconds ago you were joking around.” and then I go quiet and make myself feel better because hell, apparently I don’t APPEAR depressed. That, or I CAN’T be depressed because I don’t come from a bad home life.
I find it annoying that those memes go around about how the people that laugh the most are the ones that are hiding the most emotional build-up, but then when people WHO ARE LIKE THAT do actually show their deeper emotions, PEOPLE BELIEVE THEY’RE SHIT. It’s like “Dude, literally just showed you a freaking picture describing my psyche, and you’re still calling me fake.”
I am upset, I do cry a lot, but I don’t like to make people feel like it’s their fault. I don’t want to people to feel like they have to talk to me, but I do want more interaction with some of those that call me their “Friend.” I don’t want to show that I’m sad because I think it makes me looks selfish, stupid, hell, or dramatic. I don’t want to tell people I’m jealous because that’ll label me as desperate or “boy-crazy.” My reasons for being this way are deep-rooted, but aren’t as bad as what others have experienced, so I feel unworthy of showing my deeper emotions. I don’t have home problems, I do have friends, so I shouldn’t feel lonely. I shouldn’t be lonely. I can’t be lonely.Â
So I’ll laugh so I can pass off the tears.
