maebelle

everything feels backwards 

like i’m aging

but 

i don’t feel 

older

i actually feel more

childish

it sucks

everything sucks

well not everything 

but a lot of things

a lot more things suck right now then they don’t suck 

but i can’t stop the things that suck from un-sucking

and 

i’ve always loved too hard

too much

too fast

it doesn’t matter if it’s a dog or a person

or a fucking goldfish

i grip onto them

clinging

crushing them with the weight of me

it’s overbearing

i’m overbearing

it’s taxing to try and love me back

there is no possible way that you could ever love me more than i love you

and that’s not a good thing

i stay up all night freaking out about whether or not they’re going to leave me

i do specific rituals every single day to make sure i have everything perfect

that i am perfect

but i’m not

there is something very very wrong with me

that no one can fix

it doesn’t matter if I’ve gone to years of therapy, filled out thousands of worksheets, practiced every single coping skill in the book, try medication after medication

once i fall

there’s no getting back up

at least not for a long time

it feels like there’s a flaw in my code

like there’s something inherently broken about me

like the gauge for how much I’m supposed to love someone has been shattered, with all of the intensity of me pouring out

it doesn’t matter if there would always be home-cooked meals

or if I would clean every inch of every room

or write thousands of songs and sing them with my creaking soprano

it doesn’t make me less me

i don’t mean to do this again

i didn’t mean to suffocate you

i wanted so bad to be normal

i wanted to love someone normal so bad

but i can’t

because unfortunately, i can’t change this part of me

there is no cure

There is no logic

there is no stopping me

my love is a category 5 hurricane

most of the time I can realize when it’s bad

when i’m in the middle of it

but this time i didn’t

I was so focused on the beautiful field of flowers in front of me that I couldn’t feel the storm I was trapped in

I didn’t realize that me staying up all night wasn’t just because I felt like a kid on Christmas

it was anxiety

Horrible, awful gutwrenching anxiety that you don’t even realize you’re in until it’s over

and when they finally really realize that I am too much

too fast

too intense

the storm is over

then all that’s left is destruction

a town that’s been flattened

crushed

scared

i may not have broken my own heart, but I certainly handed them the tools to do it

“be quiet, you’ll scare the fish away”

i didn’t know until recently that was a way to get me to shut up

my mother would ask me to “talk a little less”

i wish i could

i wish i could just shut my mouth and never speak again

i wish i didn’t finish peoples sentences

or interrupt mid conversation

i wish i could glue my lips shut so i wouldn’t be annoying ever again

but i can’t

it feels like a tidal wave inside of my body

pushing me

crashing against my sealed lips and clenched teeth

building up pressure inside of me

until i just

pop

a barrage of useless information that only i would care about

knowing that i could ramble for hours

but also knowing that no one would listen

and they shouldn’t

i shouldn’t be this way

i shouldn’t talk this much

but the silence fills the space around me and it doesnt turn the volume in my head down

a million thoughts float around my brain all at once and I’m trying to keep it all contained

i’m trying to be quiet. I’m trying to shut up. I’m trying to not be annoying. I’m trying to be normal.

I feel the pressure behind my eyes and in my ears

I feel my heart pounding in my chest, rattling my rib cage around it

I feel like I’m having to swallow back vomit

and then

i explode

“why can’t you just be quiet”

i want rip out my vocal cords

burn the inside of my larynx

seal it shut

so no one has to listen to me