katyusha station

i had already disassociated myself from the family in stages and over the course of two decades. i reached out six years ago in a moment of hope, and while not catastrophic, i was so disappointed and hurt at the end that i saw no reason to keep any family bonds.

these people had abandoned me so thoroughly i barely knew most of them. their continued presence made my life worse. i had watched the only kindness i knew die before my eyes, fade into the nothingness of his smile.

yesterday, on easter monday, my mother messaged me on a new number.

“🦋🍀”

that’s all there has ever been, isn’t it? symbols.

week after week, she dies in my dreams. the moment i sense her presence, i escape and attack her. recently she realized that i always will, that she is an intruder, and that i will always reject her. she realized i am not fighting with her. i have killed her over and over. i fully intend to murder her every time.