Secret Scribbler

[ Sailor J - How To Be A Hufflepuff ]

me: [removes blanket]

It’s our season finale and this is not a drill. REPEAT: THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

We sat down with our Actual Fave, Chris ‘With His Fine Ass’ Evans (during his lunch break! from the set of an Avengers movie! at length!) and got to ask him what it feels like to be an Object Of Thirst™ for so many people. And you know what? HE FUCKING ANSWERED.

👆🏾 This is us right now, tbh

Some things we spoke about with Chris:

Pie. Specifically, Chris loves apple pie and blueberry pie, but thinks cherry pie can be “a little too sharp, does that make sense?”

Broadway. He tells us about looking forward to the challenges of finally playing despicable character Bill in his upcoming Broadway debut in a revival of Kenneth Lonergan’s Lobby Hero.

Fanfic. Shocker of shockers: Chris has no idea what fanfiction is. Thankfully, we’re oh-so-happy to enlighten him (he has thoughts about Bruce Banner/Steve Rogers pairings, but you’ll get to that.)

Dorks. Chris thinks he’s one. “I really do have dorky tendencies,” he tells us. In response, we swoon gently.

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE.

We also asked Chris about that righteous beard Cap is rocking in the Infinity War trailer, idly wondering what products he uses to keep it looking so luscious. Sis, get this: HE USES NOTHING ON IT. Can you believe? That shit just grows perfectly like that (it takes about three weeks to get “full”, FYI. 👀)

Furthermore! We introduced him to the reality of Black Twitter (and the Rivers of Thirst that broke the dams upon the first sighting of That Beard), which segued very smoothly into asking when we might see Chris on screen with a love interest that is a person of color. 👀

Answer: HE’S WORKING ON IT. (brb, quitting our jobs and writing a screenplay)

Some more things that came up:

Drabbles, of course, via Fanfic Wars. (this whole episode felt like an extended one-shot anyway, so…)

Here’s the piece about the Yankee Candle that allegedly smelled of Chris (remember 2015? What a time to be alive!)

A link to the Anna Faris Is Unqualified podcast he appeared on in 2016.

The profile Bim wrote on Chris back in 2016 (remember 2016? What a time to be alive!)

Here is the 2014 Variety piece with the accompanying dark, brooding, bearded Chris pics that Nichole brought up.

This is just one example from that delicious, female gazey 2004 Tony Duran photoshoot:

GOD. We feel so… [REDACTED].

And now a quick thirst-tweet break to remind you of our credentials…

We also had a little moment where we just paused to sigh and squee at this classic fight scene, from Captain America: The Winter Soldier:

You know the bit when Cap says, “Before we get started, does anyone wanna get out?” 

BITCH, LISTEN. LET ME GET *IN*. 💦

                                                 ________________

Hope you love listening to this episode as much as we enjoyed making it. Thanks to Chris, who was so accommodating and open and honest and vulnerable with us? Shoutout to allowing us to openly thirst about your beard in your presence, friend. When you get here for your Broadway show, knock on our door and we’ll go for a drink and a slice of pie — we won’t even record it.

In the meantime, Lean In to your thirst, thirst-buckets. You’re grown – you can have this, at least.

How To Listen To Thirst Aid Kit:

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