Title: Happy birthday
date: January 31st.
Summary: Dahee goes to visit her daughter on her birthday.
Triggers: mention of death, vague mention of abuse, miscarriage, depression and more. Just be careful reading my loves tho I tried to keep everything vague
There were two months that Dahee absolutely hated; January and September. September was the month were she lost her unborn child which she had been carrying for 6 month before her father had his drunken episode and pushed her down the stairs. Last September it was a year since she lost her baby. January was supposed to be the birthday month of her precious child and now if she had survived she would have been 1 (2) year old. Dahee wished she didn’t have to go through those months, she wished she didn’t have to go through the heartbreak but she had to, every day but it was worse on those two months.
Losing her precious girl, completely destroyed her and she has never really been the same. She doesn’t know how to move on from the loss, she feels like she can’t cope but still she is here living and breathing. She loved her unborn child very deeply and she was way more connected to her than she had realized until she was just gone. Today was 31st of January, it was the set date for her child and today Dahee was going to visit her child.
Her daughter had been ‘buried’ in the cemetery that went with her family’s house in Daegu. Originally Dahee didn’t want her to be buried there but she didn’t really get the choice so she just had to deal with it, even when her child was gone she still had to be a secret. Plus Dahee at that time would not have any idea where else to bury her child. Taking a day off from school she traveled early in the morning back to her hometown, she informed her mother that she was coming and to not tell her father. She didn’t want to see him, she still hadn’t forgiven him and if she ever was going to was a question she didn’t know the answer to.
She wanted to go to her hometown quietly so she didn’t notify anyone else that she was coming, not like she still kept contact with any of her friends there anymore. She ost contact once she become pregnant and they didn’t even try to reach out to her so she didn’t bother to try and kindle back her friendships. After a long journey from Seoul to Daegu, she finally arrived to her hometown. It was like nothing had changed since the last time she was there but that was just last september so it wasn’t that surprising. But still everything kept on going like nothing was different while Dahee felt like everything was completely different.
She didn’t really waste any time and hurried quietly and unseen to her family home, once she got there her mother was already waiting for her in front of the door. A small smile appeared to Dahee’s face and she quickly went over to her mother and gave her a big hug. One thing she had missed from Daegu for sure was her mother, after a long embrace her mother invited her inside but Dahee kindly rejected. She didn’t want to go inside and relive it all, she only wanted to spend time with her daughter. Her mother didn’t argue and only watched her as Dahee made her way to go and see her daughter, each step she got closer the heavier and lighter her heart got. She couldn’t exactly explain it but she was nervous, sad and relieved each time she visited her; it was such a strange feeling that it was extremely hard to carry it within her.
As she reached the gravestone, she fell to the ground and let out a loud sob. She didn’t want to cry on her daughter’s birthday but her heart had been so heavy for so long that she just had to let it out. After some time she wiped her tears away and let out a deep breath and sat down properly in front of the gravestone and opened her bag that she had taken with her and took out a lunchbox. “ I’m sorry that the cake is in a lunchbox, I wanted to bake one for instead of buying one and I wasn’t quite sure how to travel with a big cake….So I just cut a small piece for you..I hope that is alright “ her voice was soft like she was there with her, she could almost picture her in front of her and it made her even more sadder. Letting out a shaky breath she tried to speak more but she only felt like she would break down if she did so she stayed silent and opened the lunchbox and then placed it on the ground and went through the bag again and found a candle and a lighter. After placing the candle on the cake she knew she would have to say something, she still stayed silent and turned on the candle with the lighter, then she took a deep breath and started singing the birthday song “ Happy birthday to you, happy birthday my dear Nayoung “ she finished the song and then blew out the candle.
“ happy birthday my dear daughter “ tears streamed down her face as she spoke and her voice trembled “ I wish you were here with me, I’m sorry that I wasn’t strong enough for the both of us. I’m sorry that I’m sad all the time, I’m going to try and be happy. “ Dahee looked up at the sky trying to stop the tears from streaming down her face but she couldn’t “ I can’t promise when I’ll become happy but someday but I hope you can help me with that sweetie, only if you can though. Help me find the strength I need, Nayoung because I don’t know what to do without you...and yet I have been without you this whole time “
It was so hard for the female to accept reality, even though it was now year since she died, Dahee still didn’t want to believe it. It was still so unreal for the girl, it all felt like it was a dream for her but it wasn’t. This was reality, she was there sitting in front of her unborn daughters gravestone. They didn’t even get to properly meet, Nayoung was taken away from her in the most cruel way and Dahee was not so sure if she would ever forgive her father. She had promised she would protect her daughter from him but she broke that promise even before she was born, how was she then going to protect the people she loved when she wasn’t able to protect her unborn child ?.
Dahee was blaming herself, she was beating herself about something she most possibly could not have prevented. She felt so unworthy of someone’s love, she had made herself believe that people shouldn’t be nice to her because she wasn’t able to protect Nayoung. So it made it even harder when people were nice to her, but they didn’t know her past and though she didn’t want them to be nice to her she knew that if she would tell them they would just be extra nice to her. No one wants to be mean to someone that lost a child. “ I’m tired of being sad but it’s like I don’t know nothing else but sadness...I can’t seem to find happiness. You were supposed to be my happiness but I lost you “ she spoke with her eyes closed, her voice was cracking and her eyes hurt from all the crying. She was exhausted and yet she could not rest, it didn’t matter how exhausted she was, she just couldn’t rest. She stood up and wiped away her tears and then touched the gravestone with her fragile hand “ I’m sorry, I’m not going to be sad on your birthday “ she let out a small smile “ Happy birthday, I will be back soon “ then she turned around and took her bag and the lunchbox and with each step she took everything become heavy again. The weird feeling went away and her heart was heavy once again.
She looked up at her family house and saw her mother waiting for her outside. With tears in her eyes she walked slowly until she was next to her mother and then placed down her bag and lunchbox and hugged her mother thightly. This was what she needed, a mother’s embrace, but it was something she couldn’t give her on daughter.