ꜱᴇᴄʀᴇᴛ ɢᴀʀᴅᴇɴꜱ ɪɴ ᴍʏ ᴍɪɴᴅ

"well... i am dramatic. go big or go home, has always been the mantra i lived by." forcing down a laugh as she spoke. "dramatic family? well you can always rent mine if you want a break from that, i got all the dramatics, everyone else is pretty chill."

"hey, that's a business idea right there - trophies for emotionally damaged child performers. like the showbiz version of a participation trophy, with an extra helping of trauma. plus... i think it's hilarious to picture the poor person in charge of doing the inscriptions, wondering what the hell is happening."

bringing her hand to her mouth to stifle her laughter, she shrugged once more. "it might be more threatening, but at least it'd keep your life interesting." it was an easy joke to make, only because she knew they'd both had to get used to people critiquing them. it was something that was difficult when she was younger, and she wasn't completely fine with now - but she had at least learnt to live with it.

"if you ever want to vent about the negative things that did happen... i'll always listen." it felt like it should be a simple offer, but she knew it wasn't. not when a lot of the times you were debating whether or not the person you were venting to, was going to turn around and tell you that it sounded like you were being ungrateful.

"i like to think it was reason enough to quit. when you get to the point you're standing on that podium, and instead of enjoying the moment, all your thinking about is the small mistakes you made - something has to change. and i'll happily tell everyone that." or at least she was happy to tell people now that she'd processed everything. "you know... if you ever want to do some fun acting...i do coach some young figure skaters who could work on their expressions. i don't know how you feel about it, but seeing the joy in their faces - brought back some of mine."

"mouth-guard? i feel like if i'm defending your honour, i'd need a full suit of armour. why not go all out right?" waving her hand, as though dismissing the very idea of something as simple as a mouth-guard.

she nodded softly as lucy said it would have been nice if somebody had told her the fact somebody being disappointed in you, didn't mean you'd done something wrong. "that's a big part of why i went into coaching... i couldn't stand the idea of somebody coming after me, and being told all the crap i used to hear. because nobody, especially a literal child, should have to deal with that."

"wow. okay. so you're dramatic, athletic, emotionally evolved, and committed to sparkles as a lifestyle?" lucy tipped her head, eyes narrowing as though alyvia had just revealed something personally inconvenient. "that's, like, deeply obnoxious of you actually."

the words landed dryly, but her smile didn't quite cooperate with the insult.

"and your family's chill?" she let out a quiet breath of laughter, shaking her head. "that sounds fake. like something families say in commercials before they all make pancakes in matching pajamas."

lucy shifted, crossing one leg over the other.

"mine doesn't really know how to do chill. my mom is sweet, which is almost worse, because you can't even be appropriately mad at her. and my dad..." she paused, eyes briefly rolling toward the ceiling. "my dad could turn a casual birthday dinner into a branding opportunity. so. love that for me."

she glanced back at alyvia, a little amused, a little more curious than she meant to look.

"but maybe i will rent yours sometime. just for, like, research. i want to see what it feels like when the emotional temperature of a room isn't being controlled by someone's publicist."

the trophy idea pulled a genuine laugh from her, her hand coming up briefly to cover her mouth.

"oh my god. no, we have to do it now. like, little gold trophies for best performance while actively disassociating or most convincing smile during a press tour meltdown." her expression turned mock-serious. "mine can say, for bravely surviving years of statement necklaces and manufactured crushes."

it was easier to keep talking when they were laughing. easier than letting herself sit too long with alyvia's offer, with the uncomplicated softness of it.

lucy's gaze dropped towards her rings again, thumb turning one around her finger. for a second, she said nothing. it wasn't that no one had offered to listen before. people offered all the time. therapists, assistants, friends, girlfriends, people who thought they were close enough to be entitled to the ugly parts.

but alyvia didn't sound like she wanted anything from it.

"that's..." lucy exhaled softly through her nose, almost laughing at herself. "really nice of you."

she made a face immediately, like sincerity had left an unpleasant taste in her mouth.

"sorry. that sounded disgusting. i'll try to say something emotionally withholding next."

her eyes lifted back to alyvia's.

"but, um. same. obviously. you can talk to me too." a pause. "i mean, i'll probably say something super judgemental in the middle of it, but in, like, a supportive way."

when alyvia spoke about the podium, about winning and still only being able to see the mistakes, lucy's teasing expression softened. that, she understood. maybe not the medals or the ice or the kind of discipline it took to be an athlete at that level, but she understood what it was like to accomplish the thing everyone insisted you were lucky to have and still feel hollow.

"yeah," she said quietly. "i think when the thing you're supposed to love makes you start hating yourself, you're allowed to stop doing it."

lucy swallowed, shrugging one shoulder with a practiced casualness.

"which sounds obvious when you say it out loud. people just get sooo offended when somebody chooses being okay over being impressive."

her brows lifted at the mention of acting with the young skaters.

"wait. you're trying to put me to work?" she asked, the corner of her mouth curving. "i thought this was a safe space."

she let the joke hang there before her gaze shifted, thoughtful despite herself.

"no, but...maybe." her voice went lighter again, careful. "i don't know if i'm, like, qualified to be around children without making at least one of them curse or something. but helping with performance stuff could be kind of cute. it already sounds more emotionally fulfilling than, like, ninety percent of the projects my agent sends me."

lucy watched alyvia dismiss the mouthguard in favor of a full suit of armor, and her smile became a little more obvious.

"god. you're so extra!" there was fondness in it now, unmistakable enough that lucy seemed to realize it a second too late.

"fina. full suit of armor. rhinestone-encrusted, obviously." she tilted her head. "it would be very reassuring, actually. having my own glittery knight defending me from the internet."

then alyvia mentioned tinkerbell, and lucy stared at her for a moment.

"you know what? that explains soo much," she said slowly. "sparkly. cute. probably capable of violence if not given enough attention."

her smile sharpened, teasing but not unkind. "it's working for you."

at the wardrobe issue, she gave a long-suffering sigh.

"exactly. like, i understand i was playing a fourteen-year-old with a deeply concerning passion for musical theatre, but nobody at fourteen dressed like that. they dressed terribly, sure, but not like a justice store exploded on them."

lucy leaned back, letting her eyes drift over alyvia again.

"that would be my most prized possession. i can throw my gold medals out, and that can take pride of place in my home." laughing along with lucy, as she moved to tuck her legs under herself to get a little more comfortable.

"hey... i'd never blackmail you over a show you were in. that's such low hanging fruit, i prefer to get creative with my blackmail schemes." there was also the fact she didn't think anything somebody had been made to do as a child, counted as embarrassing. even if the parents weren't the ones to sign kids up for jobs, the child themselves was never going to understand the after effects of taking a role on a popular show. all they saw in the moment, was the chance to have what so many children dream about.

the smile she'd kept on her face, faltered as lucy's voice became quieter. she was once more struck with the want for a magic wand, so she could make everything magically better for the other. "they do have a wondrous habit of telling you to protect their child's youth and innocence, while trying to deny you, your own youth and innocence." the words may have been a little more bitter than she intended, but she hated seeing the effect the actions had on lucy, and couldn't bring herself to play nice.

"it's the best isn't it? when you're having a mental breakdown, but you're still somehow responsible for somebody's kid? i had some parents irate that i was teaching their kids to quit. for the record, they don't like when you respond by saying you're quite happy to teach their kid to quit, if it protects their mental health." as difficult as stepping away from competing had been, she knew it had been the right reason. she wasn't sure where she'd be now, if she hadn't made the choice she thought was best for herself in the long run. "but for the record... i'll totally beat up twitter users who insult you."

nodding along as lucy said she was sorry that she understood, alyvia brought her shoulders up into a shrug. "i get it, you like having somebody who understands - but hate the fact they can understand. but hey... at least it means we might get to help those who come after us, from following the same fate. which is... something."

"okay, wow, hold on. throwing out the gold medals feels a little dramatic," lucy laughed, one eyebrow lifting. "and i don't say that lightly. dramatic is, like, one of the only currencies my family believes in."

still, the laugh that left her this time was easy. less startled. less like alyvia had pulled it from her by accident. lucy shifted where she sat, angling herself a little more toward the other before she could think too hard about it.

"but fine. i'll comission it myself. tiny figure skates, deeply tasteful inscription. for services to emotionally damaged former child performers everywhere."

at alyvia's reassurance that she would never stoop to blackmailing her, lucy narrowed her eyes playfully.

"creative blackmail is actually so much more threatening, by the way. like, great. now i'm gonna spend every interaction trying to figure out what humiliating little detail you're collecting for later."

she paused, mouth tilting slightly.

"which is kind of weirdly intimate, honestly. good for us."

it was easier to joke than to acknowledge the actual kindness underneath it. that alyvia hadn't laughed at her. that she hadn't made lucy feel like the stupid, sparkly girl from those old clips was something to be embarrassed of.

the smile faded a little as alyvia continued, though. lucy picked at the edge of one of her rings, listening more intently than she probably looked.

"no, exactly," she said finally. "they're sooo obsessed with preserving childhood when it belongs to their kid. when it was ours, apparently it was, like, public property."

her voice stayed light, almost dismissive, but her expression had gone flatter around the edges.

"i think that's the part that makes me insane. not even the show, really. i liked a lot of it. sometimes." she shrugged one shoulder, like she needed to make the confession smaller before it sounded too complicated. "but everyone acts like you because you were lucky, no one was allowed to fail you. like gratitude means nothing bad could have happened at the same time."

her gaze flicked up at the bitterness in alyvia's voice, and for once lucy didn't look away from it. she liked it, maybe more than she should have. not because she wanted alyvia angry, exactly, but because there was something weirdly comforting about someone else being mad on her behalf.

"also, quitting because something is destroying you is objectively the best possible reason to quit," she said, totally serious. "like, sorry some suburban mom wanted you to teach her kid persistence through emotional collapse, but i personally think you were right."

a pause.

"and i think it's kind of iconic that you told them that. i probably would've just smiled until i blacked out and then complained about it in the car afterward."

the mention of beating up twitter users earned alyvia another look, this one openly amused.

"oh my god. thank you. finally, a woman willing to defend my honor." lucy pressed a hand lightly against her chest. "i must warn you first, there are kind of a lot of them, so you may want to stretch a little. hydrate. get one of those little mouthguards, you know."

her teasing softened as alyvia shrugged. lucy was quiet for half a second too long.

"yeah," she said, and it came out painfully sincere. "maybe."

she gave a tiny nod, eyes dropping briefly to where alyvia had tucked her legs under herself.

"i don't know if i'm, like, emotionally stable enough to be anyone's wise mentor or whatever. but i could absolutely tell a teenage girl that adults being disappointed in her doesn't automatically mean she did something wrong." her lips pressed together, just briefly. "would've been nice if someone told me that."

then, immediately, as though the tenderness had overstayed its welcome, lucy exhaled and tipped her head back against the seat.

"anyway. gross. we're being emotionally productive. hate that for me."

at the return to sparkles, her eyes slid back to alyvia.

"right, right, as a former figure skater, you're allowed to be aggressively sparkly because its, like, culturally significant for you. you need sequins to survive."

the corner of her mouth lifted. "and, for the record, i'm not totally against sparkly things. more like, i'm against sparkly things chosen for me by a forty-seven-year-old producer who thought every fourteen year old girl dressed like an anthropomorphic cupcake."

lucy looked alyvia over, deliberate and faintly teasing.

"You’re   not   on   the   list."

"Need   a   light?"

"You   dropped   this."

"Is   that   your   drink   or   mine?"

"You're   late."

"I   thought   you'd   be   taller."

"You   always   stare   like   that?"

"They   told   me   not   to   trust   you."

"I   wasn’t   expecting   you."

"You   clean   up   well."

"You   look   lost."

"Haven’t   we   met?"

"Not   what   I   imagined."

"Are   you   following   me?"

"You’re   not   from   around   here."

"You’ve   got   something   on   your   cheek."

"Mind   if   I   cut   in?"

"You're   sitting   in   my   seat."

"I   was   warned   about   you."

"That’s   a   dangerous   smile."

"This   seat   taken?"

"You're   the   distraction."

"Why   are   you   looking   at   me   like   that?"

"You're   early."

"You're   late   on   purpose."

"First   time   here?"

"Try   the   champagne."

"That   color   suits   you."

"You're   exactly   how   I   pictured   you."

"We’re   not   supposed   to   talk."

"We   shouldn’t   be   seen   together."

"Do   I   know   you?"

"That   watch   doesn’t   match   your   suit."

"You’re   not   very   good   at   hiding."

"Someone’s   been   asking   about   you."

"Thought   you’d   never   show."

"You   have   good   taste   in   music."

"Don't   turn   around."

"Guess   we’re   partners   now."

"You   shouldn’t   be   here."

"Do   you   believe   in   fate?"

"You’re   late.   I   almost   left."

"That’s   my   drink."

"I   think   you’re   in   the   wrong   place."

"Your   cover’s   slipping."

"Tell   me   that   wasn’t   on   purpose."

"Are   you   going   to   apologize?"

"Care   to   dance?"

"That’s   quite   an   entrance."

"You   always   this   bold?"

"I’ve   heard   of   you."

"You’re   not   easy   to   find."

"You   look   nervous."

"Sit.   Please."

"You   read   the   file?"

"You   shouldn’t   trust   me."

"Nice   aim."

"We   weren’t   supposed   to   meet   yet."

"You   took   your   time."

"So,   you’re   the   infamous   one."

"Someone's   been   watching   me."

"Your   timing’s   suspicious."

"You   look   like   trouble."

"That’s   a   nice   trick."

"I’ve   been   looking   for   you."

"Are   you   hurt?"

"They   didn’t   say   you’d   be   charming."

"You   always   arrive   like   this?"

"That’s   classified."

"Don’t   trust   the   bartender."

"You're   bleeding."

"You   have   five   minutes."

"Where’s   your   partner?"

"I   wasn’t   briefed   on   you."

"You   have   terrible   timing."

"I   wasn’t   expecting   company."

"I   thought   you   were   a   myth."

"You   look   bored."

"I   saw   you   watching   me."

"You're   not   like   the   others."

"So,   you're   the   backup?"

"Try   not   to   get   killed."

"That's   a   dangerous   dress."

"You   don't   belong   here."

"We   meet   at   last."

"That’s   not   your   real   name."

"You   weren’t   followed,   right?"

"We’ve   never   met.   Officially."

"Don’t   say   my   name."

"Is   this   seat   cursed   too?"

"No   sudden   moves."

"We’re   alone   now."

"Take   off   the   mask."

"I   know   what   you   did."

"Who   let   you   in?"

"You’re   prettier   in   person."

"You’re   not   what   I   expected."

"You   shouldn’t   smile   like   that."

"Don’t   flatter   yourself."

"what can i say? i'm the bravest of the brave." mock puffing her chest out, though she was a little proud of herself for the laugh that she'd managed to get out of lucy. alyvia had never had a problem making herself the butt of a joke, if it cheered somebody else up. if there was on thing the competitive world taught her, it was that people would nitpick the smallest things - so she'd told herself if she made fun of herself first, it wouldn't sting as much.

her own laugh escaped at the mention of blackmail, as she shook her head. "i'm sure my mom still has a copy, but i'll have you know little me looked exceptionally cute, so no blackmail material there." words that would have rung more true, if she'd ever managed to make it through the video of that routine without turning it off halfway through.

she couldn't help but nod along as lucy spoke. "i do wonder sometimes, if they ever realise that their reactions are part of the problem. you know, like maybe it wouldn't be so traumatising, if you didn't act like you had the right to know everything about somebody when they were a child.or even better, the parents who decide you should be their kid's role model and get angry if you mess up - despite being a kid yourself. i honestly wonder what goes on in their head's sometimes."

conan gray // wishbone rp meme.

edit/alter/change pronouns etc as you see fit!  deluxe edition found here!

actor.

nobody saw us.

nobody saw us leaving with bruises on our necks.

nobody wondered where you went all april.

my friends discovered when you left me in july.

i didn't cry, i kept the lie alive.

i kept the lie alive.

church bells won't stop ringing for an undead wedding day.

you've spent the summer drinking.

i spent the summer being erased.

you've spent the summer drinking, while i spent it being erased.

i tried to hide the feeling, but it just won't go away.

let's pretend nothing happened.

you're a much better actor than me.

i barely even fucking know him.

you're saving face, but you take it out on your nose.

if you ever cared, well, i wouldn't know.

blame it on a bad manic episode.

there's a side of you that she'll never know.

tell all your friends that she's the one.

you can say it's love.

you've spent your whole life drinking, oh, drinking me away.

i tried to hide the feeling, but i just can't lie that way.

you pretend nothing happened.

this song.

you know that i love you.

i have a feeling that you love me back.

your eyes are like heaven.

11:11s, they all hear your name.

i'm too shy to tell you the words on my mind.

i hope you can see if you read through these lines.

i wrote this song about you.

something i wish you knew.

something i've tried to say, but now i'll say it straight.

the smell of your perfume is all over me.

is it dumb believing you might love me too?

vodka cranberry.

you say we're fine.

you say we're fine, but your brown eyes are green this time, so you've been crying.

you've been crying.

so strange to be back at your place pretending like nothing has changed.

speak up, i know you hate me.

i know you hate me.

looked at your picture & cried like a baby.

speak up, don't leave me waiting.

don't leave me waiting.

got way too drunk off a vodka cranberry.

called you up in the middle of the night wailing like an imbecile.

if you won't end things, then i will.

now i look dumb & you look mean.

i notice everything you do.

everybody knows you don't love me the same.

so cruel to be lying to my face.

i know what you're too scared to say.

don't make me do this to you.

don't make me do this, but i will.

romeo.

i was out waiting for you but now you've gotta wait for me.

even on my worst days i was never treating you the selfish way that you treated me.

even in my worst pain, i was never dragging you around.

you'll carry my shame for free.

you don't wanna know all i did.

i drank your poison from your lips.

i took that blade into my ribs.

you took away my will to live.

i hope you know i'm never gonna want you back.

i'm never gonna want you back.

you put me in a grave of stone.

you put me in a grave of stone, but now it only makes me laugh.

spending my summer in love, then i went and got dumped.

i did it all, damn, for what?

you're no romeo.

never liked sitting around your egoist actor friends.

never liked kissing your mouth with cigarettes on your breath.

looking back i don't know why i got so up in arms about losing you by my side.

looking back i wish i listened to my friends who said i could get a much better guy.

i don't wanna know what you did with all the girls you swapped me with.

i guess i was just your experiment.

where art thou? i'm all alone now.

where art thou? i'm back in your hometown.

where art thou? fuck if i care now.

you've gotta figure out your shit with someone else.

i can't fix you.

my world.

i've given up on being anything.

we're just a summer fling.

i found approval as a remedy.

i got that from you.

it's my world & it's my life.

it's my girl & it's my guy, i'll kiss em if i might like.

i'll kiss em if i might like.

i don't have you in mind.

it's my time, i'll waste it how i might like.

there was a time when you were everything.

couldn't tell you who i was before.

when you shut the door & shut the world of me, how was i supposed to know who i should be if i was no longer yours?

how was i supposed to know who i should be if i was no longer yours?

i was no longer yours.

you say you're sorry for treating me like trash.

you got your revenge by being stuck with your life.

you can keep drinking and living a lie.

it won't affect my life, coz i don't care anymore.

class clown.

growing up didn't go how i'd liked.

it twists & turns like the limbs of a pine, trying to grow on earth that writhes.

half my friends barely know who i am.

there's none at fault.

it's a heavy topic.

everything comes back around.

i still feel like the class clown.

take your pick, be laughed at or laughed with.

i learned early on either way, it's a shit stick.

my father was barrelling fists.

while my father was barrelling fists, i was laughing all the way through it.

now the blondies are clutching their ribs from my latest joke from my old bag of tricks.

there's this beautiful moment in it where i can sorta just vanish.

everything is over now.

everything is over now, i still feel like the class clown.

if i get older now, i'll let my younger version down.

if i stop laughing, all the blood will just start pouring out.

we joke a million jokes through the phone.

nothing funny about that home, but her & i, we already know.

nauseous.

you just wanna dance, it feels like our final act.

you're holding my hand, my mind sees a grizzly trap.

i know you.

everyone trusts you.

everyone trusts you, they love you out loud.

you won't hurt a fly, but we're flying up now & all that goes up, well, it's got to come down.

your love is a threat.

your love is a threat & i'm nauseous.

scares me to death, how i want it.

your love is a threat & i'm nauseous; scares me to death, how i want it.

not common sense, but i'm haunted.

i'm haunted by people who've left.

i'm haunted by people who've left me, so you scare me to death.

with people before, they left like a falling floor.

there as i soared, i vowed to be never more.

i vowed to be never more, too trusting and loving.

behind every kiss is a jaw that could bite.

maybe that's why i feel safe with bad guys.

that's why i feel safe with bad guys.

maybe that's why i feel safe with bad guys, because when they hurt me, i won't be surprised.

when they hurt me, i won't be surprised.

maybe i'm here waiting for someone to get through my years of trying to trust them.

maybe i'm here waiting for someone.

i know that it's in me to really love someone.

i know that it's in me to really love someone, but that's not a thing i learned from my loved ones.

caramel.

in that moment, you weren't all that kind.

promises spoken, all coming back as lies.

you with your soft sweet kiss is all i miss in the back of my mind.

did me wrong in the past & i know it was bad.

did me wrong in the past & i know it was bad, but you burn inside my memory so well.

you burn inside my memory so well.

you burn inside my memory so well, you caramel.

ignoring me so they won't find out.

you can act real cool coz it's over now but man, you cried when it all went down.

you can act real cool coz it's over now.

you cried when it all went down.

no one believed me.

no one believed me, you gaslighted feelings.

you gaslighted feelings till you had me thinking that i was the reason that i was fucking losing my mind

i was fucking losing my mind.

it was love at the worst, it was what we deserved.

the longer you burn, the sweeter that you smell.

sweet taste in my mouth, i can't get it out.

i want you back now.

i heard you're in town, i want you back now.

come over to my house, there's space on my couch.

connell.

i almost hurled when i saw your hand down the small of her back.

you were never outside with me, spent my summer months in your unwashed sheets.

spent my summer months in your unwashed sheets.

i know its dumb that i'd ever think that i'd meet your mom and dad.

kissing your ghost was my own damn fucking fault.

deep in my bones i know pain is what i earned.

you remind me of how good it feels to hurt.

you remind me of how little i deserve.

i knew we weren't meant to be.

i'm not your type, but you're trying things.

that's everything i need to break apart my own heart again.

validate the worst thoughts inside my head, that i'm not worth shit & i'm better dead.

i'm not worth shit.

who's the victim in the end?

you remind me of my father slurring words.

sunset tower.

heard your in the city, i felt like total shit.

it's horrible getting all your news through a friend.

been tryna hide that i'm still here stuck in your hell.

i'm still here stuck in your hell.

if you're out here doing well, don't tell me.

spare me all the stories of how you're moving on.

i'm lying to myself when i say that's what i want.

part of me just wanted some proof it's hurting you in the way it's hurting me too.

you've got a messed up head & you need some space.

go get some help.

if you're working on yourself don't tell me.

i wish you the best but hope that you die inside.

if there is someone new that you're out here fucking, don't tell me.

it's easier to never know.

it's easier to never know than face it that you're letting go.

sometimes there's just so much to say.

i've still got a little hope that you might want me back one day.

i've still got a little hope that you might want me back one day & i can be the one to walk away.

eleven eleven.

if i blink, you'll be missed.

in my mind you & i still exist. it's a thought that is dangerous.

i'll wait forever, i won't look for better.

i'll wait forever.

i'll find sighs for you & i.

as much as i act like i want to forget it, i still wish for you at 11:11

i still wish for you.

heard you're seeing some girl in new york, so what am i reading horoscopes for?

maybe you're superstitious like me.

i'll wait for nothing, pretending we're something.

my mind lies for you & i.

why don't you come back?

i just can't accept that it's too late to save us.

care.

now all that i want is just to move on.

life's so much better now that we don't speak.

we felt like strangers.

there will always be parts of me that are yours.

i don't cry coz it's over.

i just don't feel like i could love again.

i told myself that i'm over you, but i care.

my fault for making believe, mistook who you are for who you could be.

pretend to hate you instead.

i won't miss being your lover.

though i won't miss being your lover, i'm still losing a friend.

i'm not trying to say that i want you back.

i'm not trying to say that i want you back, but it's nice to linger in the past.

it's nice to linger in the past.