Secondlvlbbychick

Today was a weird day in my ftm journey. I've always loved femininity, but I spent so long trying to distance myself from it as much as possible, that it no longer feels like something for me, and that sucks. The clothes that were made for my body feel so foreign to me now. I've felt foreign to myself, and this has made me realize that I never truly wanted full, cis passing masculinization from my transition. I've struggled existing as the man I've become because it's not the way I want to exist, but the way I feel I'm expected to, for my safety.

I think I want to spend some time figuring out how I can be less harshly masculine, and reintroduce some femininity into my existence. I want to be softer, delicate and beautiful, like the dress was. I want to be able to wear dresses like that and feel sexy, curvy, and feminine. And I want to be less hairy.

Some more reflections, lately I've been trying to figure out what being an artist looks like for me now that it's something I can do outside of the desperate escapism I used to solely base it around. I don't think I've figured it out yet, but sometimes I feel like it's on the tip of my tongue. I still love all of the things I used to escape into, but I feel like I love them more as the art pieces they all are, and less as the crutch saving me from the emotionally devastated sand pit I had oh so comfortably buried myself in all throughout most of my youth. It's been complicated trying to find what that looks like, as I'm so fond and used to the concept of fandom, but at the same time it's become weirdly distant from me, and I don't know how to interact with it at all. I feel like I want to try taking a chance at focusing on creating more than I want to consume and escape into.

Another part of this is maybe putting more effort into not only creating, but putting myself somewhere that's outside of my own space, and allowing it to have a place where maybe, possibly, someone's eyes and brain can also see it, and it can exist. Though I feel even without eyes, the fact that it exists somewhere in some form is better than never at all. I don't care much for thinking I need a purpose, but I do believe I need to do something with this existence I've been given, even if it amounts to nothing at all. And I'm really okay with that.

(if this is a repeat I apologize and please ignore it)

Sorry this took a second, but I'm happy to contribute to the collection 😌

Circle of video game characters I made for class, we're making magazine covers so I decided to do one about video games, a unique idea college students have never done before.

"Good morning I'm an animal

With violent instincts and no morals

I'll rip you up to shreds if you get near

And though my paws are soft and I don't

Have a claw or vicious thoughts

I know that what what you've said of me is true

I'll weave along my winded barby path

I'll step over shining silver traps

The teeth all dripping

With the poison of your hate

And in the end the one that caught my foot

Was the one you covered up

With all the smells and colors of the ones

That I love most

Good morning I'm a Virus

I've got spiky legs and lots of cells

To get all the unvaccinated children

I'll be the runny nose, I'll be the

Aching in your toes

I'll run your fever up and

Ruin all your family Christmas plans

And even though I wasn't fully sure

How mitochondria even worked

I know the reason that you don't

Want me around

My insistence to live

Is inconvenient so send in all

The white blood cells and

Tylenol and I'll be gone before you know it

Good morning I'm a terrorist

I'll tape your mouth and tie your wrists

I'll make you beg for me

To spare your life

I'll go around from door to door

You'll try and hide but I'll make sure

Your kids are lying face down in the dirt

And even though I've never held a gun

Or wished harm on anyone

I know you've said it for a reason

And in the end, I'll line up

With my back against the wall

And wonder if the look in your eyes

Bluestar 💙✨