Strange Fits Of Passion

When your friend of 11 years calls you out on bring a horrible person that's when you shut up and listen. They do it from a good place even if it sounds harsh. They know you. They know your good, your bad, your ugly. It's when they've seen more of your ugly shine through lately then your good that they feel they have to say something. It's hard to hear, it brings up more ugly in its defence, and you get spiteful. And then you hear it, you hear what they've been hearing, you see what they've been seeing. It hits you like a cold hard slap in the face and your defences crumble, you have nothing left to say because they're right and the only thing left to do is apologise. It means next to nothing now, you've said too many hurtful things but you pray to yourself that you can fix it. That was my night tonight. I have a lot to think about. I have a lot of changes to make if I want the people I love to stick around. There's only a couple of people in my life who I genuinely care about and tonight I almost pushed one away. As I've gotten older my circle has gotten smaller...a lot smaller it's almost a square now and it's a lot harder to keep the pieces together. I need to work on my projection; when I feel shit I tend to lash out on everyone else and that is a truly ugly quality to possess, I didn't realise how bad it was until tonight and I feel disgusted in myself. I'm going to use this horrible night to really work on myself, I want to grow, I want to be a better person. I don't want to lose any more of my people.