just a dad

Hi! I'm Max (he/him), I'm 22, and I recently became a proud (and very tired 😅) dad. I came out as trans when I was about 14, it was a bit of a struggle at first but by 17 I was starting T, had top surgery at 18 and was becoming stealth out in the world.

I'm using this space to document my experience. I'm doing this for myself, as I'm someone who struggles to keep track of things and also find it easier to reflect through writing my thoughts down, and because there's just not a lot of us out there. There's definitely more trans men open about carrying their kids than there used to be- which is great! -but it tends to be more established adults from what I've seen, people closer or into their 30's who have careers and a lot of the time seem to use fertility treatments. There's absolutely nothing wrong with this, but that's definitely not my situation so I guess I just hope sharing might be of interest or help to others out there.

I never planned on becoming pregnant. I knew I wanted to be a dad at some point, but the thought of being pregnant was terrifying and very dysphoria inducing. That was, on top of the thought caring for a whole human being, the scariest part of finding out. My partner is a cis man and we had not been together long before falling pregnant. We were planning to get our own apartment, but life had other plans lol. We moved into my parents house together with our collective 3 cats, my reptiles, & my family dog and were able to create a fun little nursery.

I'm currently a stay at home dad while recovering from a lowkey traumatic emergency c-section until the baby gets to a point where we can establish more of a routine. Being a dad is amazing even if I'm extremely sleep deprived lol. Time is already flying by too fast, he's already growing longer and out of his little wrinkly face. The days (and more so nights) feel so long, but I know I'll blink and he'll be crawling and talking.

i have taken him to the zoo (3 times as of today), on local tours in a carrier, for walks at nature centers, to see different family members in their different homes, try out some parks and see what he can do there that he couldn't before.

and this kid, without fail whenever we get to the cool parts, is asleep! brewery tour? asleep entire time. let him pet some goat butts bc hes so gentle at home with the cats? asleep! ice cream time? nap time! try out that slide right there? guess whose asleep. animals up close and moving? hiccup is snoozing!

like little sir! 😭 i am out here trying my best to give you exciting things that are age and developmentally appropriate for you, and also bring some level of entertainment to me, and you are just asleep and missing the whole thing! like yeah im glad he sleeps no matter where we are (he wont eat tho which is going to be an issue) but also! i want him to see a giraffe and play in a splash pad and smile at outside things!

im gonna make him a watermelon cake thing with watermelon and cantaloupe and some melon fries and some green beans and idk something else hes had already.

it's hard and kinda silly to admit but i struggle to let my partner be responsible for our son. im struggling now putting this into words lol, and its a very convoluted internal struggle.

it bothers me when my partner doesn't instinctively take responsibility in some moments. if i ask him specifically to do something, he'll do it. and certain things have definitely now just become his tasks- like unpacking the diaper bag and sometimes packing but im picky. but that in itself is a great example!

i like to pack the diaper bag because i like to utilize all of the pockets and all of the interior pockets and zips. i want to keep it as organized as possible so that i know where things are in the wild. but lately my partner has been packing the bag while i do other things. this is incredibly helpful in theory! and he puts all of the correct items in the bag, but he just shoves them it and lets it be all wonky and messy and clunky.

so on one hand im probably a bit of a control freak perhaps

but on the other hand i feel guilty. i feel like a bad dad not doing the things.

it bothers when ive done 99% of the feeds for like 4 days in a row. sometimes it bothers me that im the one who wakes up with hiccup each morning and during the nights and have to do it alone. but for someone inexplicable reason, it also bothers me when my partner comes to help. those few times when i walk away in the night and leave them with a bottle and go back to bed. when he's crying and fussing and squirming and melting down and i let my partner deal with him and watch. it's so hard. like, i can pack the diaper bag. im capable of that. and of feeding him and changing him and i can do his clothes.

but also, he's also his dad. like he should equally do those things because theres two of us and we're both dads and its good that he also can and does do those things. and those times where hiccup is screaming and red faced and we don't know whats wrong, i know that my partner wants to hold his son and comfort him just as much as i do. so i let him, even tho its hard and it hurts.

i dont really know what to do about it. i dont know how to talk about it, how to put it all into sentences that make enough sense. i dont really know what im doing.

but im trying a new thing right now. it wont be an every night thing, but today hiccup and his other dad both took 6hr 'naps'. its 11pm, im tired, and im waking up early tomorrow. so i set everything up to be successful- toys, milk, blanket, pacifiers -and im going to bed. and hiccups other dad is going to spend time with him and put him to sleep.

and i feel guilty about it. about not being there for him being awake, about 'making' my partner do it, about being a little happy to lay in bed awake alone.

but i hate feeling like a mom.

i hate that i am a trans man who gave birth to my son. i hate that i fulfill all of the 'mother' roles.

i stay at home. i do his doctor appointments. i keep track of his feedings and sleep schedule and diaper changes. i keep track of his solids schedule. i make sure he has clean bottles and that it hasnt been reused too many times. i make sure his straps are adjusted when he grows. i swap out his closet and notice when we need to size up. i keep track of what brands he cant use. im the one who researches car seats and sound machines and baby monitors.

im the one who says thats too expensive. im the one who says hes too small for that. im the one who says okay thats enough popsicle now. im the one who says thats too loud. im the one who says dont hold him like that. im the one who says he cant watch tv, dont show him your phone.

im the one who takes all the photos of him with everyone but myself. im the one who has to make plans, even if its not my people. IM the one who ends up holding him while eating. im the one that doesnt get to stop listening for even a second.

until i tell my mom my baby is toothless and has retractable teeth and shes like "... thats what happens" bc its swelling and going down and swelling again so it gets more and less sharp which duh makes sense lmao.

we're in a heat wave. like heat advisory warnings for a week straight. over 80 degrees at night. air conditioning is on, fans are on especially in hiccups room bc theres no air flow in there. he has a humidifier, idk man im trying my best.

hiccup got diaper rash. or i thought it was diaper rash bc it started under his diaper. but also this was just after the whole wipes debacle. so ive been going fucking ham with vasoline bc im trying to keep the sweat off him keep his pee off him. diaper cream was making it worse. then we google 'baby rash' instead of diaper rash and it looks like heat rash and its now under his neck and elbows and back and chest and fuck

so now hes naked. in his playpen. idk what to do anymore lmao. hes naked and im using wash cloths to wipe and then dry him after he pees. no more vasoline, definitely no lotions or anything else.

had to change hiccups sheets yesterday and totally never put the new ones on and i couldnt find them by bed time so i just put him on the bare mattress. about an 1 hour later and we're going to bed and i start freaking out about if its safe for the baby to sleep on his bare baby mattress without a sheet. like deadass made my bf unplug his phone and hand it to me half asleep so i could google if thst was safe. for the baby. to sleep on his baby mattress.

yeah its annoying when he cries sure but whatever hes a baby that happens whatever. but i cannot take it when he screams.

not the sound i dont care how loud he is but it like genuinely completely breaks my heart when he has his moments of full blown baby meltdown red faced silent cries before the scream evn reaches the sound barrier. it makes me feel like i have failed in every possible way bc i am his dad and how the fuck can i not figure out whats wrong and fix it for him immediately.

like its horrible oh my fucking god. and all i want to do is hold him and kiss his little peachfuzz covered head and make everything better and it doesnt work. he had just eaten he burped his daiper was changed we did leg scrunches we did a pacifer we did a freezer toy we did more food bc i dont fucking know and hes screaming another diaper change with a full handfull of vasoline bc hope. change shirt bc covered in pee. and then i know his other dad is feeling the same shit but i feel fuilty handing him over but we swapped bc i know he also just wanted to hold him and make it all better but he tried all the same things in his own way and just screams. my mom got him to sleep thank god but that just adds another layer of unrealistic guilt bc why can my mom fix him and not me im his dad. am i not good enough am i doing things wrong im sorry.

We got a puppy!

1 more day where I'm alone with a 2month old pup and 4 month old baby 😅

Nah its chill tho. just not getting anything else done between baby, puppy potty breaks, and keeping the pup from wanting to chew absolutely everything!