lacking in depth

absolutely loving how anytime i think my boyfriend is upset at me at all my brains first response is to b like // well maybe if you were skinny this wouldnt b happening // lmao. has he ever done or said anything at all for me to think that? nope. not at all. he’s so sweet and he compliments me so much and he says he loves my body but. i hate it enough for both of us i guess.

lol when my ed got super bad and i was actually like. skinnier and really good at my rules was when i was in my stupid traumatic little ✨entanglement✨ w that creepy cheating old loser and it was like a distraction and stuff and also just. wanting him to like me even tho my body was never the issue lmaooo but it pisses me off bc i let myself go super bad when everything broke and he cut me off and i got so fat and it’s been all down hill and the fucking cherry on top is that when i had that body i still hated myself bc part of this is that it never feels like enough right. so now my boyfriend gets a mediocre whale of a girl and i didnt enjoy that body back then either but you know who did?? you know who fucking loveddd that body based on his absolutely sickening little comments?? the fucking cheating ass loser who used me. and it’s so fucked. and my boyfriend has never said anything bad about my body, he’s so sweet and he compliments me so much but i just. can’t get this gross feeling out of my head bc through a fucking decade of trauma i’ve made myself feel like my body is all my worth and i feel like he deserves so much better and i fucking hate this body. but its not just for him. i need to be thin because if anything goes wrong in any aspect of my life, i can handle it if i am thin. but if i am fat at rock bottom i really don’t think i’ll make it through again. because when the creep cut me off, that was my absolute lowest point ever and i made it through because even if it wasnt enough, i was okay with my body and i wasn’t as worried about that. but i dont look like that anymore and i need to go back. i feel disgusting at all hours of the day. i just dont know how to make myself better.