Teller Of My Own Truth

This graffiti appeared overnight at 5 different job centres in Birmingham.

It’s referencing the increasingly harsh benefit sanctions in the UK which are punishing disabled people in particular.

Claimants who cannot work due to severe disabilities or chronic illnesses are being categorised as “fit to work” in order to meet targets and are not being given enough money to survive.

The majority of people who legally challenge their benefits sanctions or ‘fit to work’ decision have them overturned, but only after months without the money they need.

Estimates generally put the number of people who have died in the last few years directly due to benefit sanctions in the thousands. These include people who have died of starvation, exposure, because they couldn’t afford electricity to keep their insulin cold, or because they couldn’t afford treatment, among other things.

The DWP has even sent letters to people declaring them fit to work when in fact they have already died from their illness.

Fuck the DWP and job centres.

1. Getting your self esteem from others.

2. Constantly attacking and putting yourself down.

3. Thinking that others are better than you.

4. Expecting things to not turn out well.

5. Living in the past.

6. Fearing the future.

1. Give up your need to always be right.

2. Give up your need for control.

3. Give up blame.

4. Give up your self-defeating self-talk, and your limiting beliefs.

5. Give up complaining.

6. Give up your need to impress others.

7. Give up your resistance to change.

8. Give up your fears.

9. Give up your excuses.

I found this amazing quote: (http://eom.byu.edu/index.php/Apostate)

“Apostates sometimes become enemies of the Church. Leaving the Church, which claims to be God’s official church, containing the fulness of the gospel, often results in feelings of guilt. While many return, others develop a need to defend their actions, “disprove” the Church, or become hostile enemies. The fruits of apostasy are generally bitter. The Book of Mormon warns of unfavorable conditions that result from transgression contrary to “light and knowledge"”

I feel, as basically an enemy of the church, that I might as well explain to these people what’s going on.

People who do leave the church may feel tremendous guilt in the beginning. They may feel guilty because they know they will crush their family members, or feel guilty because subconsciously that’s supposed to be the response they feel. In my mind, it isn’t exactly guilt, but utmost terror. It has been drilled into us all our lives that our lives would be a living hell if we left. Of course, those who left the church would be afraid.

I don’t have a need to defend my actions. I left this church, and that is that. However, when people are attacking me saying I will rot in hell or that I deserve to be miserable, I’m not exactly going to let them say those things without a response.

I don’t need to disprove the church because it’s there in plain sight. Very simple research instantly shows that the church isn’t true. When I am showing that the church isn’t true, it’s to comfort those who are questioning.

I am not hostile, I am not bitter, and unfavorable conditions haven’t fallen upon me. I don’t feel utmost hatred, but instead just utter relief that I was able to break free. Remembering how shattered and broken I was as a Mormon makes me so thankful that I was able to discover the truth. I have nothing against the members, but I am against the leaders who know that they are causing great pain to their members and yet continue on their path. I feel a great sense of empathy for suffering Mormons and Exmormons, and all I want is to free them from their pain.

Has my life been harder since I left the church? Technically. Before I slept and watched YouTube for hours every day, almost failed many classes, and had zero hope or happiness in my life. I would call being Mormon far harder than now. Now I am dealing with all those emotions in the past, now I am making extremely hard changes to improve my life. But now I am happy. Now I am excited about every day, excited about the future, and am finally feeling self-confidence.

Being an Exmormon was the hardest and yet most wonderful and best decision I ever made in my life. It feels like I am finally seeing how beautiful the world and everything around me is. Almost like I forced myself to be blind and am now suddenly seeing. Looking back on my past, I wish I had made this decision sooner, but am so grateful that I was able to break free now. I would never trade these new feelings of joy and happiness for anything in the world. I have finally found happiness.

I know that Mormons say that exmormons are being tricked into being far happier, but in my mind, that would make no sense. Why would following Mormon God lead to misery, depression, anxiety, and in some cases dangerous thoughts, while following the devil leads to true joy, happiness, and a meaning in life? That is beyond backwards and makes absolutely no sense. 

There’s an old story about a frog. So many people have used it in so many situations over the years that it’s become a bit of a cliché. Still, if you’ll indulge me for a moment, I’ll tell it and then get to the point. 

It’s said that if you drop a frog into boiling water (ostensibly, to eat it, I guess), it will leap out. The frog will squirm and fight and thrash - anything, everything, to avoid the clear and immediate danger. 

It’s also said that if you set a frog in a pot of lukewarm water and then turn up the heat slowly, just a little by little, the frog won’t move. Instead, it will sit still, it’s body acclimating to the rising temperature. And soon enough, comfortable in the supposition that there’s nothing at all wrong, the frog will boil to death. 

Ironically, I first heard this metaphor at church. I’ve heard it many times over the years, and so I can only assume I’m not the only one. I’d be wiling to bet nearly every mormon/ ex-mo has heard this exact parable. 

In church, the frog story was tailored to many contexts, all of which boil down to the idea that a little sin can lead to more and more, and eventually to spiritual death. I’ve heard this used to scare the youth away from gambling, alcohol, drugs, sex, porn, lapsing church attendance, whatever. And you know what - it worked. I know kids who were terrified of the idea that their tiny habits would lead them down paths to unpardonable sin. 

Now, my problem isn’t with the story. It’s a fine metaphor (if, as I said before, perhaps a little worn out with overuse). Problem is with the MESSAGE. 

Yes, addiction can be a serious issue. But none of us needs a church to tell us the drug use can lead to a drug addiction. That’s just basic education, if not common sense. One can also read a more cynical intent behind the LDS church’s strict guidelines about “sins of habit”: anything that takes your time, attention, and money away from the church is a SIN. 

I would offer this: the LDS church “works” on the slow-boiled frog principle. I’ve spoken to many people throughout the years - ex-mormons, TBMs, and investigators - who have remarked on how odd they find some the church’s more, shall we say, esoteric teachings. And history. The thing is, no one finds out about some of the weird shit - dangerous, illegal, and just down-right cruel and evil and fucking crazy shit - until LONG after they’ve been baptized.  

Mormon missionaries are taught to focus on “the Plan of Salvation.” It’s their sales pitch: we have the one true path of god that will give you happiness now and glory ever after. They focus on the family. They espouse the virtues of their activities for kids and charity programs. BUT they steer VERY clear of topics like Joseph Smith marrying, or at least fucking, a 14-year-old girl. OR, the temple rituals that include a mason-inspired ritual death and (used to include) an oath of vengeance against the United States government. And if you mention the Adam-God Theory, they’ll turn white - try it, it’s fun. 

The mormon church introduces itself as good and wholesome and easy, even fun. But the long you’re in, the deeper you go, the more you learn - the heat begins to turn up. Soon enough you find yourself having to reconcile the crazy things you’re learning in seminary or Gospel Doctrine class with the happy, smiling faces you meet at sacrament meeting every week. You start to square those conflicting ideas, rationalizing them, even defending some pretty batshit stuff just to make it fit. When what’s really happening is that you’re being boiled. Congrats, frog-friend: you’re dead. 

They will serve you “milk before meat” because the “meat” is a closet full of more skeletons than most of us can possibly imagine. 

So Please. DO NOT FALL FOR THE SMILES. DO NOT ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE DROPPED INTO WATER AND WAIT FOR THE HEAT TO TAKE YOU.  

DO YOUR HOMEWORK. RESEARCH. READ. TELL ANYONE WHO’S INTERESTED IN THE CHURCH THAT THERE ARE FACTS THE ELDERS WON’T TELL YOU. DO NOT ACCEPT THE EVASIVE NON-ANSWER THAT YOU WILL UNDERSTAND IN TIME, OR THAT THOSE ARE DEEP PRINCIPLES THAT WILL REQUIRE MORE FAITH AND PRAYER.