bruce wayne learning how to be a dad, as described by headlines found on teen parenting blogs
Y’all seemed to kinda enjoy these posts about Bruce learning new slang, so here’s more in that same vein.
So this is a headcanon that Bruce is an avid reader of blogs that attempt to help parents in raising teenagers. But for some reason he often forgets exactly what the articles say, so sometimes his well-intentioned efforts turn out a little skewed. So here are some parenting article headlines and the situations inspired by them.
Some of the bats (Batman, Nightwing, Spoiler, and Red Robin) find themselves bested and detained by Two-Face and his goons. Harvey is currently making an impassioned speech about his grand evil plan.
Nightwing, whispering to his family: Damn, could he get anymore cliche?
Spoiler, stage whispering: Shhh! Be nice! I think he has low self-esteem.
Harvey continues, unbothered by the kids’ squabbling.
Red Robin, not even trying to lower his voice: This is like a production of Phantom of the Opera that’s solely financed by drug money.
Two-Face suddenly cuts himself off, turning and slowly stalking toward the young hero. He bends down to Tim’s level, who is tied to a metal chair.
Two-Face: Say that again to my face, boy.
Red Robin, without any sense of self-preservation: Which one?
Two-Face snarls and reaches for his gun.
Batman, growling: Leave him alone, Dent! He doesn’t have a social life!
Red Robin: That hurt worse than a bullet.
Bruce, watching Dick get ready for a date: And you’re sure?
Bruce: Because I know a couple good ways to do it if you wanna say no.
Bruce: You can tell her you’re sick; I’ll cover for you.
Dick: I saw her today; I’m not sure she’ll fall for that.
Dick: This morning. At our apartment.
Dick: Bruce, Babs and I have been married for two years.
Bruce: Yeah, well, I just thought because you swung by the manor- no, never mind; it’s not important. Have fun tonight, son.
Bruce: …Well it’s just… Damian has been subtlety mentioning a new video game for the “Ninten-bo Swatch” or whatever and I know we used to play N64 when you were a kid. You were always better than me and… I don’t know, I just thought-
Dick: That I could teach you so you can play with Dami?
Bruce: Ah, forget about, it’s… who are you texting?
Dick, with tears in his eyes: Telling Babs I’m sick.
Alfred, preparing the batcomputer: Just you tonight sir?
Bruce: Yes. Damian wanted to go trick-or-treating.
Bruce: They were all dressed as Green Lanterns and I don’t want to see them again tonight.
Hope you guys are into more simple content like this. I love dad Bruce. All headlines are taken from yourteenmag.com. I want to make it explicitly clear as well that I’m not railing on this publication; I can see how these articles could be extremely helpful to parents and kids alike. The world would be a better place if more parents took the effort to seek help from sites with accurate information.
(alternative endings for the last one):
Bruce: They were all dressed as clowns. I almost had a heart attack until I saw they were also all wearing LexCorp t-shirts.
Bruce: They were dressed as the entire cast of Mamma Mia. At least they have each other.
Bruce: They were all wearing each other’s costumes and I honestly couldn’t tell who was who. I just hope they have fun.
Bruce: They seemed to be dressed up as a little league baseball team? I just hope no one comes back after a baseball bat to the eye.
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