sigh

how can people wish to be forever young and live forever? i really don’t understand :c

last night, i saw the guy i liked last 2019. we attended a festival and i didn't know he was there. my cousin nudged my arm and told me he was around but she never knew that i liked him. she kept on whispering things on my ear, then i started to look around trying to find his physique since there were lots of people surrounding us. then my eyes darted to a person who has the same back as him and thought it was him, so i keep looking back while walking forward then my cousin told me that he's infront of me. it's really funny because when our eyes met, it still communicate but not like before. when we are nearing him i smiled at him and so is he. pretty casual interaction. he said "libre bi" and i said "hiiiii" and walked away. he has a girlfriend now— which is the thing my cousin was constantly whispering to me— and i'm happy for him, for real. i moved on. if i was myself before, i would probably die to get a glimpse of his girl and stalk her right away, but i didn't. i even forgot his body, unlike before that i memorized every inch of it. i really liked him before, but things does really change. and i'm happy because he's happy, he has a girlfriend who can be proud of him not someone who's unsure of having him and degrading his capabilities. there were really times in our lives when we like this person so much and you care about everything surrounding them, then as time keeps passing by you're feelings will slowly fade and he becomes a memory that put a color once in your life. i'm thankful for all the chills he gave me in junior high and i am truly happy of the love he is receiving now. i hope they'll figure things out together and love each other freely. i still saw him looking at a crowd and finding me, but i never cared anymore. his presence doesn't affect me like before, that i would die for his attention. i've had enough, and i know that someone out there is experiencing the same thing i felt with him before, and good luck to her. <3

you ever met someone so intelligent that they literally know everything. and you feel envious because what are you doing in your entire life? how can you not gather the same information they have? swear, they can literally answer everything or should i say he. whether it's opinionated or fact based questions, and that's really amazing. i wonder if he feels nervous knowing that regardless of the question thrown at him he can answer proudly and can craft thoughts in just a second of thinking it. he's just too knowledgable and i always admire people like that. it's a different kind of intimacy, intelligence really is my weakness. argh.

today, i sighed again. i felt insecure. i feel uncomfortable with my body. i love it actually, but it's just there are people who can't be happy about it for you. i grew up with a nice family but my environment was totally awful. they keep on spitting unnecessary things to make someone feel uncomfortable. like they kept on justifying my body size every time they see me, they can't keep it to themselves. if they can actually tell the world, they would. i know that it's the truth but it's just not good. nothing compares to the worst feeling of figuring out what's wrong with your body when you didn't do anything wrong to people. they're just casually mean. all these years, i'm barely surviving and trying to go with the flow. convincing myself that everything's fine when it's not. i gather confidence and then in just a snap of a finger it's all gone. i'm fat, so what? you told everyone already, why don't you stop now? you should be thankful that my mother raised me well, because if she didn't, you'll cry for everything i wish i had said to you but i kept my mouth shut because i respect you, not just as my godfather, but also an individual.

i supposed to hate cersei lannister for being so cruel and totally awful. but then, it will just vanish every time the series justifies how much she loves her children to the point that she would burn cities to the ground and declare war if they are taken away from her. despite her cruelty, she will always be a mother who cherish her children so much and i hate it. i should loathe her but i just can't. her love towards her children is just so pure and genuine. she even walk to the walk of atonement just for tommen and it's painful to know that despite everything she has done, she can't save them. no matter how much i hate to admit it, cersei is one of the best example of a mother's unconditional love for her children. she will destroy everything for them, even herself just to make them happy and comfortable.