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I feel like I've lost any magic I might've had.

I swear I had it. I had it all. I had the love, I had the potential, I had the creativity. I WANTED to stuff.

I could whip up essays like they were nothing. They were fun for me. I cared enough to put everything into its place and I cared enough to draw lines. I doodled. I drew. I tried everything even though I wasn’t good at anything. And I can swear to you that school took it from me.

I cared enough to draw a line after every question until I was told that that only wasted time. Then it was all about efficiency, efficiency, efficiency.  It was about scoring 95% or above. Anything below that was unacceptable. I had the love until I was told that it wouldn’t do me any favours. I doodled until the logical people told me that it wasn’t practical, that I couldn’t draw until it meant something, and that there was no point in having a hobby until it did something for my future.

Everything was in accordance to how it would affect my future. Good grades for good school. Good school for good college. Good college for good connections. Good connections for good job and good job for good money. Well, not good money, but enough to keep food on my plate. We all don’t want to be poor, do we.

I was taught by my art teachers that if I was painting a girl then she had to be tall and skinny and fair and beautiful because that’s what the people want. I had to be efficient. No use for putting that time. No need to care that much. It was just a painting. It was just for school.

I wrote until I was told to memorise tenses. I wrote until they gave me a scheduled time to write. I wrote until I was told that I had to be great to write. That people had to like it. Now I wish I had written more.

I danced until I was told I wasn’t doing enough. I laughed until I got told it was ugly. I talked until I was told that it was annoying. I lived until I was taught to work.

I still do wonder who I could have been, if I had been allowed to love. If I was taught that simply wanting to do something was reason enough to do it. I think I would have been more honest, to myself and to the world.

~Salma Deera, "salt"

I fucking hate men.

I hate them so much.

I swear if I get my thoughts invalidated and get denied my very real desire to be seen as a human being again, I swear I am going to end a man. If I see one more womp womp. If I see just one more comment saying it's not that deep or how it's all a joke.

I am enraged. I am so. fucking. mad.

If I go to the group of adults (only women because why the fuck would I go to a man) that want women to be educated above anything else and be independent, I have to treat love as if it is a sin. If I go to the adults where there is even an OUNCE of warmth, I need to conform. I need to act a certain way.

No one is an outright misogynist, but it is so, SO obvious. They don't even realize that their entire life, every thought and every action is political.

Why is everyone's love so conditional? Why is validation so hard to get? Why is everything so complicated? Physics should be complicated. Philosophy should be complicated. Love should be simple.

Why is it not simple? Why do I need to micro-analyze everything in order to be tolerated? Being wanted is not even on the list.

Self-esteem issues got me so fucked up that being wanted is not even on the table. (XD)

I wish I could blame it on social media. I wish it was only a decade worth of pain. But it is so, so, SO much more.

I don't know what a world without made up hatred looks like. I don't know a world without prejudice. I don't know a world with loving that comes easy.