garbage can

it’s there, isn’t it? or at least something like it, drifting beneath them like an undercurrent, a slipstream.

it’s how du-sik always notices when hye-jin enters or leaves a room. it’s how hye-jin knows he’s about to cry from a look. it’s how they sit at dinner, close, sleeves brushing, but not quite touching. it’s how hye-jin is half-turned to him in every scene, how du-sik is so aware of her anytime she’s near. it’s how she notices he’s hurt, how she notices he’s sick, how she turns to watch him walk away. it’s how he sees mi-seon at the set and then immediately looks around for hye-jin. oh, you’re going for drinks, for lunch? let me join you. never mind that i said i didn’t want to, that was before i knew you would be there.

it’s how their interactions must be casual, otherwise they have to give it weight, give it meaning. i’m going to call you a rhino when you bump into me, because otherwise i’ll have to think about how it felt to have you close. i’m going to bicker and laugh at you while our hands touch, otherwise i’ll have to look at you and i can’t do that. it’s the way the camera doesn’t linger every time they touch but only when it matters, only when they can no longer pretend that it doesn’t. your hands on my face; you leaning in to kiss me; you holding me while i cry, when i’m frightened.

it’s how they linger here, in this halfway place between love and indifference. when i nearly kiss you, i’m going to hit my head and call myself crazy. when i stare at you in the store, i’m going to shake my head and tell myself to get a grip. i’m going to call this anything other than what it is. this is not love; it’s just kindness or attention, and i don’t care that they all mean the same thing. just don’t make me call it love.

it’s how i can’t even fit it all in here, because otherwise i’d be talking about every second they look at each other. because isn’t that what love is? not something bright and blinding, but a constant, steady attention?