What if Kishi Liked Women no Jutsu

Commission for @usuratonluffy 💛!

Sasuke is quite the case haha. +Fugaku and Minato!

Naruto having been under a canopy when learning of his jinchuuriki status and spiraling before Iruka validates his humanity. Gaara being under the clear night sky as Yashamaru invalidates his humanity.

Naruto standing upright in the light while Gaara is upside down in the trees. Naruto wanting to know Gaara and Gaara not wanting anything to do with him.

Naruto’s “why does everyone look at me like that?” And running away and Gaara’s “he looked at me the wrong way, so now he’s gonna die”. Naruto protecting his teammates in the Forest of Death and Gaara threatening his siblings. Naruto befriending Lee and Gaara nearly killing him. Both of them visiting Lee in the hospital for completely different reasons. Naruto is afraid of Gaara, and Gaara is going to kill them. Naruto unable to sleep due to anxiety and Gaara unable to sleep due to Shukaku.

Gaara being chidori’d by Sasuke and Naruto later experiencing the same. Both of them being ostracized to the degree of hating their villages, but Naruto seeks validation through attention/love and Gaara seeks validation through destruction/death. Gaara’s transformation into Shukaku as taking over his body and Naruto transforming into Kyuubi and remaining in control. Gaara being a demon who loves only himself and Naruto’s identity being his love for others to the point of harming himself.

Both out of breath at the top of the trees with a giant sword separating the two of them as an acknowledgement of the circumstances that brought them to this battle, yet having their own reflections obscured by the other boy’s. The sword disappears and they are looking at each other in the eyes. “It hurts doesn’t, the feeling of being all alone…”. The acknowledgment of their shared pain. Gaara’s the one who’s afraid and Naruto is threatening to kill him for his friends. Neither of them can move.

Sasuke coming to assure Naruto that Sakura is free and taking him back to the village while Temari and Kankuro pick Gaara up to retreat.

Naruto training his body during the time skip and Gaara training his mind. Gaara being captured at the hands of Akatsuki to protect his own village despite all he’s suffered for them. Naruto coming to his rescue at a moments notice. Naruto clawing his way to get Gaara out of the darkness of clay holding him. Naruto carrying Gaara’s body on his shoulder. Naruto advocating for Gaara and acknowledging his pain, how unfair the whole thing is.

Naruto’s “Give him back. Give Gaara back.” and later Gaara’s “I will not let you have Naruto Uzumaki”. Naruto crying for Gaara and in doing so also crying for himself. Gaara later crying for Sasuke because he sees himself in him. Naruto getting defensive of Gaara’s body and later Gaara being defensive of Naruto’s role in the war.

Granny Chiyo and Naruto bring Gaara back from the dead post-extraction and Gaara and Sakura keeping Naruto alive post-extraction.

Gaara’s surprise at his village coming to save him and later Naruto’s surprise that his village was waiting for him. Naruto being uncharacteristically shy about a handshake and Gaara being confident and initiating.

Naruto finding out his dad is the Yondaime who made him a jinchuuriki as a war deterrent and Gaara’s dad being the Yondaime and using him as a weapon of war. Naruto unable to cope with how the village treated him now that he’s accomplished his goal and Gaara’s surprise at his rescue showing the same thing.

Naruto’s willingness to protect Gaara and Gaara’s willingness to protect Naruto and the way they butt heads because of it. Gaara seeing and empathizing with Sasuke and wanting to help, but caught in his duties as Kazekage and Naruto’s friend. Naruto’s distress at wanting to protect everyone, but them being on opposing sides.

Naruto gave speech to the sand ninja on his feelings towards Gaara and how cruel and unfair the world was. Gaara gave a speech to the shinobi nations on his feelings towards Naruto and how he wanted to protect him and the world.

Minato telling Naruto he believes in him and Rasa being upset/surprised that Gaara even has friends. Kurama being extracted from Naruto and Gaara carrying him on his shoulder as he’s dying. Gaara being pissed that Naruto’s even on the battlefield to asking Naruto on a date Naruto’s reassurance that he will come back alive so they can drink when Naruto becomes Hokage.

Gaara initiating their handshake at the end of the series and Naruto taking Gaara’s enthusiastically and laughing freely. Both of them going from being considered monsters to kages. Naruto and Gaara adopting children who need them. Naruto and Gaara.

itachi is wrong lol. i don’t mean that as “my personal interpretation is that itachi is wrong”. i mean that he is intentionally and explicitly meant to be wrong.

itachi is portrayed fairly heroically or at least tragically throughout the latter half of shippuden. ive talked about how the concept of legitimate genocide is ridiculous, how there needed to be some self reflection on his part on the sheer scale of suffering he caused, even if he was ultimately a tool and not the primary instigator (and obviously also was a child)

but the one thing itachi holds himself accountable for is his treatment of sasuke:

itachi’s insistence on seeing sasuke as a “blank canvas” with no thoughts and opinions of his own is, in his words, his failure. for a long time, he didn’t even see sasuke as capable of individual thought, to the point where he plotted to brainwash him into serving konoha - he feels he has the right to control everything in sasuke’s life, because sasuke’s own point of view is apparently non-existent or possesses no value.

here, he admits that had he approached sasuke as an independent human being from the start, the outcome of his life would be significantly less fucked

additionally: a quote i often see in conjunction with this panel sticks out to me. it’s Kishimoto saying sasuke is a “pure” person who basically “does what he wants” without thinking of right or wrong. i don’t think that’s exactly what he depicted in his actual writing, sasuke doesn’t totally disregard right or wrong - but the key here is that he at least has a fierce desire to “do what he wants” which is in contrast to itachi’s belief that he’s a blank canvas for others to project their will onto

sasuke resists orochimaru’s manipulation almost entirely. i mean, he uses him for power yeah, but then he kills him and frees all his prisoners. he retains a moral code while orochimaru’s other victims are thoroughly brainwashed (look at taka, and later chino, and the way they approach human life).

he doesn’t swallow obito’s words instaneously either, and confirms his story with danzo, itachi, and the kages later on. frequently being targeted by manipulation doesn’t mean he is somehow inviting it or especially susceptible to it. even in this panel, exhausted and emotionally drained from “killing itachi”, he’s still resistant

whatever you want to believe mate

Some of these I think are common knowledge in the fandom at this point, but in case they haven’t reached some ears yet I’ll list them anyway.

His characterization is totally different in Japanese vs English dub, partly because his English VA typically voices utter meat-heads and given that Kisame looks like he would be, I guess it fits…buuuuuut it really doesn’t lol. In English, Kisame is very blunt and sounds pretty aggressive; but in Japanese he’s almost the total opposite:

The register of Japanese that Kisame speaks is called Keigo, which is very old and integral to the dialect spoken predominantly in Kyoto. It’s extremely formal — the nearest English equivalent dialect/register I can think of would be an amalgam of 1860’s Victorian High London English. Which is about the right time period, actually, that keigo sorta “belongs” to. (Meiji Era). I could go on trying to explain it, but the gyst is that Kisame is very formal and sometimes a little rude — there is, in fact, a register in Keigo that allows you to be both simultaneously— but he’s also meek. He’s non-committal and generally soft-spoken, even though he’s got an impressive and commanding presence. He doesn’t exactly minimise himself in a physical space or manner, but he definitely comes across like he’s trying not to “be the big baddie”, contrary to his English VA. He also refers to Itachi as -san even though by all rights he ought to use -kun, given that Itachi is 11 years his junior, which is a much loftier raise in respectful position than it would seem (all the moreso because Itachi is a little shit to him at first lol).

Kisame likes to fight, BUT he likes to fight fair. I have many disagreements with the Wiki, but this is probably my biggest gripe about Kisame on there. He’s demonstrably an honorable person, when he can afford to be. Kisame does taunt his opponents occasionally, but it’s never really anything more, and it’s clearly more for fun than for goading. He never outright insults them, though, not even when they’re very clearly outmatched, and he is curiously fond of complimenting his opponents, again even when outmatched. He’s also quite patient, albeit not as much as Itachi, but that I think comes down to their fighting styles more than anything. Itachi prefers a defensive approach, aiming to disarm, whereas Kisame has a much more smash-n-grab approach, wearing his opponent down in a contest of stamina and brute force. (Truly, these two are terrifying when you consider what they’re capable of when coordinating together.) either way, Kisame reminds me of an old Samurai in some ways, in that he follows a code, although maybe it’s one only he knows, and he sticks to it.

Kisame is very probably based on a Youkai called either the Koujin or more often Samebito. Or at the very least the Hoshigaki clan is likely inspired by the myth. Samebito are shark merfolk, essentially, and look pretty terrifying, but they’re actually quite benevolent to benign towards humans. In their mythology they specialize in making textiles of a special silk that’s entirely waterproof and very tough. They’re also, being water Youkai, very sensitive and often emotional creatures, which like some other youkai, cry tears that can crystallize into precious stones. (Water is the element of emotion). There’s a particularly famous story about one, which I won’t get into here — but the ways in which the myth reflects the man are such: Samebito are incredibly loyal to people that help them, and will literally hurt themselves or even kill themselves to help a friend or ally. They also have an honor system, one which prioritizes hospitality and fairness. They may not necessarily go out of their way to help a random human, but they’ll save people from drowning and if you do right by them, they’ll be sure to return the favor.

Kisame and Jiraiya are almost the same height. (Kisame 195cm or 6’4 3/4”, usually rounded up to 6’5” in the data books, Jiraiya is 191cm, about 6’3”) . They both are some of the tallest characters in manga canon, followed by Gai at 184cm, 6’0”.

Something that frequently goes unmentioned is that being one of the 7 swordsmen is more than just a title in Kiri, it awards you a special government role. What exactly that role is, is a bit up in the air, but we know that the swordsmen commanded units, and could command ANBU if they saw fit to. It’s also implied that there’s desk work and other managerial responsibilities associated with the position, which makes sense if we’re going the military commander route. Now obviously some of them were total whack jobs, but the fact nobody except arguably Mangetsu really liked Kisame, (we don’t know about Zabuza, but Kisame’s reaction implies they minded their own business when it came to the other) it’s interesting to think about how exactly that came to be. Cause Mr. Lightning Boy (I do not remember his name) that turns up in part 1 anime is not the sort I envision doing diligent paperwork or anything like proper commanding lol. I know I’m solidly in HC territory here, but I can envision Kisame actually trying to do his job as it says on the tin and every other swordsman looking at him like he’s nuts for sticking to his principles instead of buying into the corruption lol.

In other HC territory that is sort of canon-ish but I guess got retconned for plot or something: Kisame has a PHENOMENAL sense of smell. He’s a very good tracking nin. He’s a sensing type, with added sharky benefits. (Sharks can sense electrical activity in the muscles of prey, so I imagine Kisame is Extra perceptive.) Ergo, it has not ever once made sense to me that he’d of been genuinely surprised by the Tobi/Madara reveal. Unfortunately the tone he uses in Japanese is extremely neutral, so it’s (possibly deliberately) hard to read into. Is he being sarcastic? I’d like to think so, given what canon presents us with, but this is Kishimoto we are talking about lol. In case it’s not clear, I find it Highly doubtful that Obito could have completely changed his scent AND chakra signature beyond recognition, and the fact Itachi knows he’s playing pretend sort of leans into Kisame being aware of it, because I doubt Itachi could really keep his own skepticism under that tight of lock and key. Not around Kisame.