it me

Last week Dee asked, “What’s the point in an awareness day?”

I had no idea but said confidently, “DUHHHH, you know, it’s about sharing things that people with DID should be more aware of!”

At some point recently, she made this! I googled what awareness days are for and feel a bit silly, ahem. Thing is, maybe we missed the point a bit, but I wish I’d known all of this years ago so I’m posting it anyway :D

<3 Nick

General Things You Should Know 

DID/OSDD Casually Explained, by our friends @clever-and-unique-name 

Dissociated States in DID, in pictures

Grounding Basics, from did-toolbox.com (shameless plug!)

Dear Little Ones by Jade Miller, a video readthrough of the book that explains DID to little parts

“Was my childhood bad enough?”

Age and dissociative parts, Kay’s perspective

Havening, a tool to make things less triggering

How you’re DOING vs how you’re FEELING, and why it matters

Phase-Oriented Treatment - Phase 1 Goals, Skills & Resources

The dangers of investment in DID as a lifestyle

Imitative DID, what the textbooks have to say

Excessive Behavior Scale discussion, and then actual handout you can use, aka the mirror nobody likes to look into

Dissociative Experiences Log, a handout from our therapist that helps with tracking dissociation

Things Fictional Introjects are and are not from friends @dissociatingdingo​

How to make real apologies

Mindfulness! You CAN do Mindfulness if you have a dissociative disorder, but it’s not about drifting off and watching your thoughts.

The 5 Building Blocks of Present Moment Experience

Building a Good Experience

Directed Mindfulness is actually pretty helpful! 

Integration

Dissociation & Integration by @multiplicityandme​ #EducaDID

Our first “planned activity” aka integration practice

3 benefits of our integration work, similar to sharing our “super-powers”,   

Integration with Ana, our experience

Healthy integration vs. “forced” integration

Our most recent system map

Book Club: Coping with Trauma Related Dissociation

I threw the coping book across the room twice trying to read the first chapter. I mentioned it to a friend and it turned out I wasn’t alone! This book is easier to handle if you read it with friends, and that’s the idea of book club. As you read each chapter, feel free to comment or reblog, adding your experiences. Did you do the homework? How did it go? What kind of emotional reaction are you having to the material? How much of the content do you remember? Are the techniques helping? Write anything you like, really.

Some of the chapters:

Understanding Dissociation

Symptoms of Dissociation

Understanding Dissociative Parts of the Personality

Symptoms of PTSD in Complex Dissociative Disorders

Overcoming the Phobia of Inner Experience

Learning to Reflect

Beginning Work with Parts, Continued, now with pictures

Developing an Inner Sense of Safety

Improving Sleep

Healthy Daily Structure

Understanding Emotions

Our favorite books, in recommended reading order:

CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving - Pete Walker

Coping with Trauma Related Dissociation - Boon, Steele and van der Hart

Sensorimotor Psychology - Ogden & Fisher

The Body Keeps The Score - Bessel van der Kolk

The Haunted Self: Structural Dissociation and the Treatment of Chronic Traumatization - van der Hart, Nijenhuis and Steele 

Treating Trauma Related Dissociation -  Boon, Steele and van der Hart

Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors - Fisher

We’re doing exercises from this book about sensorimotor psychotherapy. It’s pretty easy to follow, workbook style, and each topic has a section that explains how to adapt the material for patients with Dissociative Identity Disorder / OSDD. Pretty cool, imo!

Today I hit a large section of chapters about mindfulness, and kinda rolled my eyes a bit. I’ve tried apps, books, professional coaches and multi-day training seminars. None of it worked. As soon as I try to observe my thoughts, I’m in my thoughts. I would force my way through and end sessions in an anxious, distracted or overwhelmed muddle. Attempts to let silence happen are drowned out with intrusions, for all of us, and it’s kinda upsetting.

The introduction cleared that up quickly by redefining mindfulness in this context:

The authors encourage being aware of your building blocks intentionally, and one method is to ask yourself questions. “What is telling me that I’m triggered or upset right now? The change in my breathing? The tension in my throat?”; “What thoughts are coming up as I see my boss frown?”; “What does my jaw clench mean?”, and so on. 

You can also check your building blocks while doing fun things, like petting an animal, gardening, and eating a crunchy fruit. Learning to stop and name these building blocks, the components of any experience, is the goal. You need it to be a well honed skill for the upcoming chapters. (Safe-inner-place and containment work are most effective when you can use all 5 building blocks to reinforce them, too.)

ANAÏS NIN

from a diary entry featured in The Diary Of Anais Nin, Vol. 4: 1944-1947

It’s skipping meals because you don’t feel like you deserve to eat today. It’s having sex because you want to be used or abused or defiled. It’s drinking recklessly because you might have the ‘courage’ do something stupid. It’s smoking - not because you need the nicotine - because you know it’s bad for you. It’s banging your head against a wall when you’re angry. It’s crossing the road without looking because you lowkey hope a car might hit you. It’s thinking about all the ways you could break a bone and make it look like an accident. It’s not taking painkillers because you want to suffer. It’s taking painkillers in excess because you know it’s dangerous. It’s walking home the more dangerous way because you’re kind of half hoping you’ll get attacked or raped or stabbed. It’s going for long walks at night and getting chilled to the bone and hoping that you get lost so that you can’t find your way back. It’s seeking out triggering material. It’s all the stupid little ways you punish yourself for existing.

Sometimes self harm happens when you put effort into depriving yourself of things you like or need, and sometimes it happens when you don’t put any effort into doing the things you like or need.

My therapist: What do you want to talk about today?