Sarokem

I am wanting to pose a question here. I don’t have an answer and I hope that writing this helps. But who am I? Right now I honestly have no idea. I know “what” I am, but not “who” I am. So lets start with that. What am I? I am a member of the furry fandom. I am a product support specialist at a software company. I am a D&D player. I am a Destiny fan. I am a fan of the digimon TCG. I am a nerd. I am someone that is striving to improve myself. These all help, but they don’t really show who I am. I could go into detail about any number of things but I am  too scared to start. I am too scared to seek help. I’ve even hid my more... “mature” side away from most people in the local community because I am scared.  I truly feel lost sometimes. I really do. I have no idea where to begin on finding myself and I don’t really have a way to start on that. I sometimes feel like I have spent too much of my time helping others, or doing what others wanted that I never really had a chance to discover myself. 

Here I am again. Posting on this throwaway account. I know it has been a while. I don’t even care if anyone sees this. I just need to post things sometimes.

So what is it? Among the sea of dread and uncertainty in the current times. What makes me sad? I know that it has been a while, a couple years now I think? Lots has changed, both personally and globally.

Mostly personally it has been good, but it is still hard to feel good in these times right now. Last time I mentioned I changed jobs. Well I am still at that one and enjoying it. I know I am lucky to have kept working during all this. But it is hard to shake off this feeling of dread right now. I am emotionally drained. I am tired. Everything going on in the world has me exhausted. Not many things keep me running these days. The main things that are driving me forward is my friends and my family, and my D&D games. I know it seems like that should be enough but at times I just want to burst out. I wish I had time to just break down for a bit but I don’t. I truly don’t. I have to keep stable for now. I have to. OR at least that is what it feels like. It is pressure. I’m sometimes a rock in my friend group, I am the person that likes to stay as the unfaltering person that has a solid level head most of the time. I don’t get a chance to stop, I wish I did but life keeps moving past me and I can’t slow down. Not yet at least. For now I need to stay strong, I just do. I want to break and burst but I know that right now isn’t the time, though I don’t know if a right time will come for a while. I just know that it isn’t right now. Soon though, soon.

I know that no one will really see this and I am just typing out into the void, but it is something I needed to type out. And I wanted to put it out on a secondary account rather than my main. 

Also I want to get this out of the way. I know that this is a minor thing and I should’t be getting like this over something tiny but it’s more been a build up of things.

So. I have coughing fits frequently. This may not seem like much, but when I start to explain more you’ll see why I’m talking about this.

These coughing fits have started causing me emotional distress in recent months. I know it seems dumb but hear me out as I explain why.

This started over a year ago now. I started having them when I worked in a town a couple hours away from where I had been living for the last few years prior to starting that job. It started only once every so often, but it increased in frequency over time. It got to the point where it was happening almost every day from monday - friday. It never, or almost never, happened in the weekends.

At the time I was spending weekends in the city I had been living in (it worked out fine for me) so I assumed it was something in the environment in the town I was working in and didn’t give it much thought.

I thought this line of thought was confirmed when over the christmas break I spent time away from that town and had only 1 coughing fit over a 4 week period.

I left that old job and moved back to the city. For about a month or so after moving I had no coughing fits at all. Then I had a couple, then a couple more, including one large one that ended with me going to see a doctor after work one day to get it looked at. They found nothing, but told me to come back if it gets worse or doesn’t improve in a months time.

A month passed. I went back, they suspected a post nasal drip. I was given a nasal spray and sent on my way. 2 weeks later no change. I went back, was given another medicine and an appointment for a specialist a week later. 

I saw the specialist, had a camera shoved up my nose and told that he had possibly found something (I cannot remember the exact details) but he gave me some medicine and told to call him if that doesn’t work. That was about a month ago.

So where am I now? Has the medicine worked? Well.... sorta. For the first 2 weeks there was no coughing fit at all. Another week passed by, I had a couple of small ones. Then this last week I had a coughing fit almost every day. Over these last 2 weeks I have had a single large coughing fit that put me out of any kind of working mindset for the rest of the day to the point where I informed my boss I was feeling sick and had to leave work.

On the Friday that just went I had a coughing fit when I got to work and another 15 minutes into my shift. I took some time but in the end I ended up in tears. I spoke to my boss, gave him a complete rundown of everything. Told him all that had been going on over the last year and a bit. He told me to go home because in that state I could not work and perform my job. He told me to call the specialist to see what the next stage was.

I did just that. Now I am waiting on some paperwork to get a sinus mapping done.

So. Where does that leave me? It leaves me in a state where I can be put out of a working mindset for a day by a coughing fit, big or small. It makes me feel hopeless sometimes despite knowing there is help around the corner. It makes me scared sometimes. It makes me feel like I am broken because doctors have not found what’s wrong with me. It makes me feel like this is some kind of curse that has been laid on me by something.

More importantly it makes me realise how small things can effect people in big ways.

Before these last 2 weeks I had never really had emotional breakdowns like this where I just felt useless. IT makes me understand other more and why small things can hurt so much. I know it doesn’t sound like much, but it is a lot.

It hurts, and when you break down like this you can freeze up. You feel awful and almost like nothing you can do will be able to break you out of it. I know how it feels now.

Oh wow, this was longer than expected. I think I am going to end this here. I have no parting words for those that do somehow find this except this.

So some of you may be wondering what that story was about.

It’s a story. Well sort of. Parts of it are real, parts of it are exaggerated.

Some of it... well it brings back not great memories. Yes I did have good times, I did, but the bad bits are what have stuck with me, they are what have forged me into who I have become.

The struggles are real, they make life hard and sometimes make it feel like we can’t win, but we can. It will take effort, it will take time, but we can do this. 

As they had done the last two nights the couple sits together again, smiling “I should be able to get through the last seven-eight years tonight, if you still want to hear it. You have been involved in the last three”

“Hun don’t delay it. The sooner we get through this the sooner we can go eat. I promised we can get dinner out tonight if you explain it well”

“I know. I know. So University, relationships. I’ll start with my first relationship. They weren’t someone I loved, at least not fully. I liked them well enough sure. But loved? No. I don’t think I did. It all started because I was going to the school ball but had no partner to go with. A friend of mine put me in touch with her and we went. Shortly after that we were kinda put together. I am not sure what we were, but we ended up as a couple. End of the year came, we spent new years together, then we ended up talking one day. She was going to one city, I was going to another. We decided, at her suggestion, to break up. It was the smart thing to do.

University started, I was slammed with classes, and rent, along with other expenses, including internet, man fuck that shit, so expensive. I did everything I could, failed a lot of things. Had a crisis of faith in my abilities and identity. It was tough, it wasn’t what I expected and halfway through semester two I knew it wasn’t working. I stopped going to classes etc. looked at everything else, and thanks to my friend, and now bro, found a course at polytechnic that was interesting.”

His partner smile and reaches across the table, holding his hand in theirs. “Which did lead you to meeting me eventually”

He nods “yes, but there is more to the story yet.”

He continues “During that year I had a brief relationship, about four months, with a wonderful girl I had met maybe once prior. She was smart, and beautiful. I got along with her so very well. But after a time we decided that long distance wasn’t going to work.

I had another relationship a few months after that one ended. Yet again, long distance. We kept it mostly secret as at the time I was not ready, for a few reasons that you know. I spoke to my parents, and they told me not to tell anyone yet. It was complicated. I managed to get the guy closer, to another city nearby. They broke my heart by telling me they found someone else.”

His partner glares at the story, recalling the descriptions he had previously been told “Oh, that dick”

He nods “yea. And you know the story of the guy in another country. So I don’t have to explain that. Ended up due to dwindling communication and I made a mistake prior to that” His partner nods, glaring once more “The fuckwit”

He nods again “yup.”

“So polytechnic? I know you did well there. Besides that fail that you later went back and passed.”

“Yea, tech was good.”

“And the last relationship?”

“It was nice. Mostly good, but differing views on many things, and their communication wasn’t very good. Their ex agrees with that. Overall mostly nice guy. But it was also where I ended up meeting you.”

His partner smiles as they stand and move over, lifting him up into a hug “so hun, how about dinner. You don’t need to tell me the rest of the story”

The following night the couple sits back at the table “You sure you want to keep going love?”

He nods “I’m sure. I need to get this out. I do.”

His partner sighs “ok hun, buy if it ever gets too hard then we can stop. Promise”

“Ok hun.” He smiles gently “So, primary school. I was the kind kid, the one that wanted to be friends with most people, but also hated being wrong. But at the same time I was kinda innocent and oblivious to how many things worked. I ended up as the bullied kid. I ended up emotional. Don’t get me wrong, I had friends, I was liked by most, including the teachers. I never ended up in detention, or anything.

But that still leads me back to one kid. You know the one. I’ve told you many time. Online account, threatened, anger management for me. Still hate that though. I have a grudge for that, but I try not to let it bother me these days.”

“I know the one. You know it wasn’t your fault. At least not truly.”

“I know, but still. It does really suck that that happened”

“Hun it’s ok. But you had good time right? Australia, and that other trip overseas”

“I know, and even though it was business trips for my folks I was always with my brother at the kids club there. I still love the story of how one time he was walking over the road in aus and got tar on his foot because it was so hot. Took my parents ages to get it off”

“So, how about high school then? What didn’t you tell me there? I know that was where you met one of your best friends.”

“High school was shit for a while, at least until I met some friends there. I defended one person in the first couple of weeks and I put a target on my head for most of high school. IT was AWFUL. Constant verbal attacks from him and his group.But the guy I defended was a friend of mine for a couple years. And I still remained the kind caring kid for most of high school.

I also met my bro there through some other friends. All started because I talked to someone that was playing on a nintendo DS there. Though the bullying continued. It once came to a head while we were waiting for class with him talking about me. Dunno what happened but he took off running and I chased him down. It’s kinda blank for me to be honest.”

“Hun, look at you, you’re still a good person, and you’re strong. I know it was shitty. I do, and I am sorry it happened to you. I wish it hadn’t.”

“We’ll stop here. I’ve told you most of high school. There isn’t much to tell left. And you know about how I got the knuckle scar” he lifts his hand, showing the scar just below the knuckle “and you know of the incident where I ended up being held onto a table by a fuckwit”

“Ok hun, but tomorrow we look at after university, and your relationships. Ok?”

He sighs, sitting across the table from his partner, slumping in his chair and looking down at the table, hands held together, thinking about how he’s going to put the words together.

“h-hun, you know I love you, I truly do. I hate hiding parts of myself from you. I hate it, and I hate hiding us, our relationship. But I need to lay it all out, I need to lay everything out on the table. You know parts of it, but not quite the whole thing. That’s what I need to tell you. Everything. All the major things, and the important minor things as well.”

His partner looks over the table, smiling, but with worry on their face “You don’t have to. All I know is I love you, your past victories and defeats have made you the wonderful person that I spend each night with.” They reach out, putting their hand over his, clasping it tightly “But, if you insist I will listen as I always have.”

He looks up, smiling softly at his partner before starting “It’s a long one, and it starts when I was young. Primary school really age really. Actually no, before that, though I don’t remember much. You remember that my parents ran a business right?” he looks up, seeing his partner nod in remembrance. “They had been running it for a long time, before myself or my brother was born. But it meant that they were always busy, and when they were working we had to keep out of the office and stay out of the way. We were there, but had to stay quiet and out of the way. It was that way for a very long time, and for a long time it felt that they were distant.”

“Hun, it’s ok, I know you get along with them now-”

“I do, but not in the way that many others get along with their parents” He sighs once more, exasperated “It’s hard to explain. For years I never ‘knew’ them, no, not quite right. They never ‘knew’ me. My mum didn’t understand my interests, or if she did she tried to get involved in them. I never really had much personal space”

“I… sorry hun, Is that why you sometimes find it hard to get close to people?”

He nods, looking down once more, “During primary school I was pushed. My mum wanted me to be top, or near the top of the class, and she wanted me to be one of the really sporty kids. I wasn’t. I couldn’t be both. She pushed me hard, trying to make me the best when all I wanted to do was have fun, but for years I could never explain it. Hell even now I still can’t face her. I’m scared of her rejection, and her disappointment. Her being extremely or trying to be involved carried into high school and beyond.

HELL one time I remember her telling me that if I didn’t get into at least the second best team in the school for a sport she would have me leave the schools team and sign up with a completely different club. I HATED that idea, but I didn’t say anything because I was scared. I just wanted to play and have fun, and yet she was competitive, always has been. Never knows how to just sit down and stop for a time.

His partner stands up and hugs him, holding tight “Hun that’s enough for tonight, lets go play games for a bit, we can pick it up again tomorrow. It’s already late enough.”