End of EWSM16 is the Beginning of Mission

EWSM16 Fam from GMU and UMD 

Labor Day Weekend!  Catching up over boba with Jasmine.

Late boba run with Epic Ladies!

9/28/15: Went to check out a new church with Sarah

The topic was on JOY:  Psalm 95:1-2

Come, let us sing for joy to the Lord; let us shout aloud to the Rock of our salvation. Let us come before him with thanksgiving and extol him with music and song.

Throughout the week, I reflected back to the Pastor’s message about the killers of JOY: resentment, bitterness, comparison, and jealousy. 

I have experienced all of them. Even during my first week of school I was battling with comparisons which led me feeling guilty. I was comparing the fact that I am living on campus to other students who were commuters. I felt guilty that my home is only 30 minutes drive away without traffic and I was here dorming on campus. This comparison took away the joy and blessings of having a place to stay on campus. When I reflected back to the Pastor’s message, I realized that I was struggling with comparison and I experienced how it really destroyed my joy. What God wants is for me is to give thanksgivings to him in providing a place for me. When I meditated on Psalm 95, I began to see his blessings through first knowing how to thank him. During my first week, I have had several spiritual conversations in the dorm with students and a staff from Epic.  

First week of school was rough. I struggled with adjusting to the school life, I felt far away from my brother David to be able to be there for him, and I was already stressing out about school. 

8.24.16 In the very left is Patti, my neighbor. We have been neighbors for 12 years. 

She calls sis and I as her American-Chinese daughters. She has seen the process of us maturing into the young women we are today. I love spending quality time with her. Today we went to Old Town Alexandria; we toured around the river, had breakfast at Starbucks, and went shopping at antique stores. Yesss, we sat in her Convertible for the first time with the window rolled down! Really enjoyed strolling around Alexandria with her today and sharing with her my journey with the Lord and catching her up on my life. 

Passage from “Warrior in Pink” by Vivian Mabuni 

When I went back to read this book again, this particular passage spoke to me with my current situation. God desires us to be in community. After coming back from Wildwood, I feel that I am no longer in a community. As I mentioned in the last post, I realized that I was slowly closing myself off from people, even to my Wildwood’s family. It was really after our group skype call that I realized this. During our skype time, when it was my turn to share about my highs and lows, I kept it really short and find it hard to share my life with them. 

After reading this passage, I began to think about who I want to reach out to and create a small intimidate group of sisters to share my life with and for us to pray over each other. Also for us to keep each other accountable and to check in with each other's walk with God throughout the semester. As I mentioned at Wildwood that I want to bring intentionality back home. It’s time to put my words into action. 

8.21.16 

A memorable day. :)  

Today, both my brother David and cousin Irene came to church with sis and I. Praise the Lord for answering my prayer. Just a week ago both of them were not too open with going to church. Today was an emotional day, I was overwhelmed with God’s greatness and  unconditional love. 

During worship time, I was crying like crazy. This is the second time that I cried like this at church; the first time was this past September when my friend took me to church for the first time. During the entire church service, I was utterly amazed that both my cousin and brother came to church with us. After church, we had lunch together; my cousin shared that she really likes this church because of the atmosphere and she connected well with Mr.Washington’s story. I also checked in with my bro and he said it was not bad; he usually keeps his answers really short. I will be praying for you bro and cuz. :) 

Today’s church service was special. The stage was shared with four guest speakers: Enrique Nunez, Gabby Pisani, David Washington, and Ben Shelton. Each one of their stories was unique. 

Enrique talked about how “when we fight through situations with our own strength, nothing happens.” I can resonate so much with this. I still struggle with this. Just last night, I broke down crying in the car after work. After a 11 hours work day, sis and I had to drive to an uncle’s house to pick up a document for our parents. When we arrived home, we had a long conversation in the car. I told her that I started to realize that I been slowly closing myself off from people because I didn’t want to burden others with my problems. I been overwhelmed with the burdens that I am carrying, I felt alone that I no longer have a community to help me through my struggles, I started to fear that I am stuck in the same old life that I been trying to escape, I doubted God in why he is putting me through this hardship, and I was agitated from my parents’ lack of appreciation with the amount of work I am taking over for them. I felt that I can never live up to their expectation. This is a constant struggle for me. After our conversation, she prayed for me. When it was my turn to pray, I was bawling my eyes out crying and surrendering all my struggles to him. That instant moment when I vocalized my surrenders, I felt God’s presence again. I am reminded that every day and in every step, I need to be aligned with God’s will and his purpose for me. That I was feeling anxious because I was trying to control things and trying to rely on my own strength.

But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.” | James 1:6

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.” | Matthew 7:7 

Ben’s talk was about “we have two choices: we can choose to live in fear or in faith” Fear -> Fear is Expressing Anxiety Regularly. “Jesus wants you to take a step of faith every day. He is with us in the storm.” At times, God puts us in the storm to test our faith and I feel this is exactly what is happening in my life right now. I can choose to trust and walk with the Lord or let my fears take over. This reminds me of the bible study that I led. Faith is a constant renewal of our decision to trust in the Lord and our situations should not change that decision. Like yesterday, when I fought to have faith in him again, I had to fight through lies and it requires surrendering to him. 

8.19.16

In the middle is Nancy. Thank you for coming to visit us at work today. It was the highlight of my day. I love catching up with you and sharing with you about my journey in Wildwood and my walk with God. Even though I had to get up so many times to take customers’ order, you patiently waited. We come from two completely different backgrounds, but you take the time and you are open to hearing about my struggles. And you encourage sis and I. 

I remembered that one night when we attended the happy hour on our parents’ behalf, I was super nervous and you guided us with who to talk to and how to present ourselves. You taught me about confident and how to carry myself in a group setting. 

8.19.16

During the quiet hours at work, I like to nourish my mind with some reading. I get hope and vision from reading. I am currently reading “Warrior In Pink” over again to annotate it. This book is a good reminder that God is always there and faithful even in our darkest and lowest point in life. Our hope is in God. 

I worked a full day today from 11am to 10pm at my parents’ restaurant in VA. While I was in Wildwood, I forgot that I grew up working for my parents. Yesterday driving to Maryland, the place I grew up in, and today working full day at the restaurant reminded me of the huge portion of my childhood spent working during weekends, holidays, and breaks. 

This is not the first time that my parents just drop everything and leave us with all the responsibilities. I have felt bitter, angry, and resentment towards them. But, I been handling this situation really well. This summer mission has really changed me; God really worked in my heart and changed my perspective. God have taught me to stand firm with him and ask him to help me see things in perspective. My heart forgives my parents. I still talk to them; I voice message them via WeChat to update them and to send them my wishes. I am not fully warm towards them. I still need prayers in this area because I know that my heart can easily turn cold towards them because we already have a long history. 

Work wasn’t all bad. I met some very kind customers and had some good conversations. Nancy, who is like an older sister to me, came to visit us at work and to hear about our summer mission. I love her. She also supported my sister and I to Wildwood. I have a special bond with her because she knows and sees my current family life and she gives me a different perspective. She is warm. She is kind. She is understanding. <3 </p>

After work, I took bro driving. He is in the process of getting his license and voiced that he wants me to take him driving. I took him to the nearby plaza parking lot and we practiced for a hour. He said that I nagged too much; I thought I was giving him good instruction and feedback each step of the way! I am glad that he voiced his thoughts and this is an area that God is really working in me, which is breaking down my pride; I know that for sure the old me would have felt offended.

I am proud of him. Through the second half of driving, he improved his turns, control of the gas paddle, and breaking more smoothly. It was good bonding time with him. Then I join sis’s skype time with our cousin Kevin from NY. He’s currently in Cali to visit his girlfriend and her friends! It was really refreshing to catch up with him. 

Before heading to bed, I am here blogging about my day. This space here is becoming a place of comfort. A place to express my thoughts. 

8.18.16

I took this picture on the way to Maryland to pick up my lil bro, David. 

Today was a very busy day packed with a meeting in the morning, followed by a settlement in the afternoon, went to Maryland to pick up my bro, and did cleaning when I came back home. Sis and I had to adult today filling in our parents’ roles through attending a meeting on their behalf. Since my parents are currently in China, we went for a settlement for them. My mom has given us power of attorney; I was notified at Wildwood which is another emotional story of its own. Long story short, I had no desire to be part of their business decision, but this authority was handed to me without getting my consent in the beginning. I felt uneasy, but I had no say in the decision that my mom made. I felt that my feelings and thoughts went unheard. I still struggle with how to bring this up to my parents. I just gotten used to following my parents’ ways, but I know that at some point I will have to voice my feelings to them. I really need prayers in this area. I know that I will need a lot of grace when I have this conversation with them. I want to ask for courage and strength and for God to give me the right words to say.

Yesterday night, I had a long date night with Jesus. I felt anxious knowing that the next day there were things that I am forced to attend. So I journal down my thoughts and feelings, and I came to realize that God is teaching me to hand my anxiety and struggles over to him. I told God exactly how I was feeling and I dialogue with him. I decided to let it all up to him.

No prayers ever go unheard. | For the first time since coming home, I was busy. But I was filled with energy. Through him, I know that I can be confident in dealing with my fears.  I fear driving in traffic. I fear revisiting my parents’ restaurant in Maryland. And all in today, I confidently face both of them knowing that God is at my right hand guiding me. I am not alone. I am strong because my courage comes from him. He assures me that he is always with me.

Sis took over in driving from MD to VA. We started off asking our bro about his day and about where he is at with studying for his SAT. He shared that he is struggling with time management and motivation so we gave him some advice and encouragement. Then I asked him if I can take him to church this weekend. He responded, “I don’t want to. There is nothing special about going to church and I do not believe in the religious stuff”. I was a bit surprised with his response; I reminded myself about what Jasmine Sprague had told me during mission. I am reminded that my brother is not making attacks on me and my decision to go to church; it is Satan’s way to get me. I went ahead and shared and explained to him that not everyone that goes to church are Christians and that I want to show him a different kind of community, and that he has the free will to decide if he likes it or not. “I want you to experience what has become a significant aspect of my life, and in your own timing you can decide if this is for you.” And I asked him again, “will you be willing to come with us this Sunday? Cousin has already said that she is coming so it would also be nice if you can come. The service will only be one hour long. After church, we can grab lunch together and have bonding time with cousin.” I tried hard to reason with him. He finally said YES!!!  It meant so much to me that I was so energized. I came home with a burst of energy and I was like the house needs some cleaning so I’ma be more productive today. When I came downstairs from cleaning, I saw bro trimming and watering the plants. I realized that he still looks up to me. I have faith that God will use me to shine light in his life. I know how dark life is without Jesus.

In the middle is my cousin Irene. And on the right is my sis! <3 We grew up together. My cousin is basically like my older sister. Currently, she is in town visiting us from New York. 

I thought a lot about you cousin and I am so sorry for all the brokenness that you had to go through. Just a year ago, when I wasn’t a Christian, I didn’t have the capacity to comfort you and to let you know that I am here for you. Instead, I ran away from you. But, I thought a lot about you during my summer mission; I prayed for you during Wildwood and God answered. We haven’t seen each other for so long, like three and a half years. The last time we saw each other was when Susan and I went to visit you in NY during winter break back in freshman year. 

8.16.16 

While I was feeling overwhelmed, I wrote this down in my journal. Only HE can fill me up. No one/Nothing else can. 

After my date with Jesus, I watch “Alvin and the Chipmunk” with sis and cuz! #Childhoodmemories 

| I still find that it hard to relax at home; I have like a gazillion of thoughts in my head including things I need to get done. I struggle with having my mom’s voice in my head saying that I am not productive enough because that is what I grew up hearing from her whenever I wanted to relax. That kind of voices and thoughts really drain me out. I know that I can’t control those thoughts, but I know for sure that God also desires for me to take care of my body, mind, and enjoy simple pleasures in life so I’ma give myself a break! Sis and I were processing with our cousin why we struggle with finding time to relax. We dug deep into the roots of our situation. Thank you to summer mission for teaching us to sit in our emotions, to ask God for guidance, and then great conversations and thoughts will come up! Because he is working in us.| 

8.16.16

This handsome dude on the right is my brother Steven. He will be starting his first year at VT. Sis and I drove him down last night and helped him move in today. On the way down, I shared with him about my experience at Wildwood,NJ. He then opened up to me that he was a bit upset that sis and I left home for eight weeks and it was hard on him. So we had our little clear the air moment while I was driving. Speaking of that, it was quite scary last night driving through pouring rain. Praise the Lord for the safe drive down. As I continued to press into our conversation, I asked him if he would be open to checking out Cru at VT. He said that he doesn’t want to break the family tradition because our parents are Buddhist. I challenged him to be open to checking it out and see if he likes it. Our conversation was a little bit rough, but I really have to thank God for giving me patience and grace in talking to him because I felt a bit disappointed. 

But now as I am reflecting back to my first three years of college, my reasons for not being open to learning about Christianity were the same as his. I also once struggled with the same thoughts that he is going through now. Through this reflection time, I am learning to take a step back. I am more aware that the next time we talked about this topic, it might be better to listen and to let him know that I was once there as well, and to share with him my experience in deciding to walk with the Lord. I need to consistently remind myself to leave the results up to God. 

We learned about agápē during summer mission. As I am reflecting back to Jenny Sun Li’s talk about  agápē, I started to realize that the old Sandy would act and feel differently about driving her brother down to Tech; she would have felt obligated to do things. God is really working in me in changing my heart and in the ways I see things. For sure that my decision to help bro and support him in his transition into college was out of free will; It was agápē. | We love because he first loved us. 1 John 4:19

My current emotions and thoughts: 

I am thinking a lot about you bro. Sis and I talked about how proud we are that you got accepted to VT with honors. We are excited for you and we will always be here for you. If you ever need someone to talk to, we are only a phone call away. I will see you in three months for Thanksgiving (hopefully, we can see you before then! Don’t mind driving down to see you!). Home is already feeling a little empty without you. 

After Sunday church service, I went on a coffee date with sis and cuz! We talked  and then I spent like an hour reflecting on Pastor Andrew McCormick’s message. 

Then I got a phone call from Steven that he needs me to do two deliveries so we rushed over to the restaurant. PLT for the smooth and safe trip. Sis helped me with direction because I am just so bad with my sense of direction. Life with parents who really depend on you like an emergency errand runner is hard. I feel tie down with so many obligations that I didn’t agreed to.  That is the life I am tired of, but praise the Lord for his strength. Doing deliveries this time was not too bad. It’s funny that we were all dressed up so I am assuming the customers were like “ these girls are fine, why are they delivering my food!?” Anyway, I hope I don’t ever have to do deliveries on my own.

Though my parents are currently out of the country, I still carry on with their obligations. I questioned myself why? AND I immediately thought back to Vivian’s talk about honoring our parents. I am still learning and reflecting on the difference between honoring them and obeying them. I am still figuring out the lines that need to be drawn. I pray that I will be able to vocalize my needs  and my priorities as a student to them. I hope that they will understand and give me more time to focus on my academic because I struggle with taking on more than what I can handle. 

Sunday August 14, 2016 marks one week since I been home from my Wildwood Summer Mission. This day also marks the first time that I took the initiative to check out a church. 

Being home and readjusting to life, without staffs being around and not having 35 others brothers and sisters in Christ to turn to, is very hard. I really felt that I needed to continue to get plugged into a community and God answered. He knew that I needed to get connected to a Christian community so he created this urgency within me to go out to church this past Sunday. 

This is a very hip church, good vibe, diverse (except no Asians other than Susan and I, but it’s alright!), and I love seeing families with their children there. Something about seeing couples and families going to church together gives me hope. I sat in front of a very old couple, I am thinking they are in their 70s, singing worship songs together and I could see their love for God right through them. I want that to me and my future Mr. Husband to be walking with the Lord and to be deeply in love with our heavenly father. <3 Anyway that was a really random thought. 

Back to Pastor Andrew McCormick’s message: his message was about having faith when we hit rock bottom and he shared three stories from the bible. 

They are: 

Acts 20: 7-12 Eutychus raised from the dead. This was a very interesting story and was my first time hearing this story from the bible. Basically, Eutychus fell asleep and fell out the window while listening to Paul’s preaching. In the story, he hit rock bottom when he fell out the window and died, BUT he came back alive. |“The people took the young man home alive and were greatly comforted.” | My favorite part is that the people were greatly comforted.I feel the same! 

John 4: 5-9 The Samaritan woman that God talked to was literally at the very bottom of the social status, and she encountered and dialogue with Jesus. Jesus was basically there at the well waiting for her. | God is always waiting  for us every day. We are given free will to hold onto his hand or let go. Letting out may seem like the easier option, but I know that I need Jesus every day. Amen 

Acts 12: 1-5 Peter escaped from prison. Peter being in prison was his lowest point in life, “but the church was earnestly praying to God for him.” And then the angels came and set him free. Prayers are so powerful. | I can resonate with this because almost a year ago when I was near to reaching my lowest point in my life, I prayed and prayed, and God changed my heart to overcome the internal conflicts that I was struggling with. I found God and he saved me. God is good. When we are in our lowest point in life, we are not alone. He is always with us, it’s just at times we need to cling onto him even more and trust him more. He will do the rest! He is faithful even when we are faithless.