The Secret diary of a Bad Boy

Its been a while and its gone slowly everyday I count the time till I move out minute by ever slowing minute. Since my last post I've aort of moved to London I have a job I'm fairly content with the idea od being able to legitimately earn money. Its all that's keeping me going at this stage everything else seems to be failing

No challenge too High, No mystery too deep Your mind and your eye will search out the secrets they keep Comprehending the pattern, discovering the form Releasing the vision of beauty that you see through the storm Imagination can take flight, liberating you dreams With shadow and light, you've fashioned astonishing things And we gaze on in wonder, at your life and its art Revealing the vision of wonder, that you hold in your heart And the vision holds power, and the vision holds peace And the vision will live on forever in the legacy you leave Though dark days will come, and cruel winds blow The sunlight will some day bathe you in glory I know So don't stop believing push on to the gold Hold on to the vision that moves you Don't let unbelievers confuse you Follow the vision of light that resides in your soul. **I don't own this poem**

Once I used to dream Of being able to make things Of being able to be something Of being able to fly with wings Now all I have is nightmares But I'll never be scared Being scared is for those with dreams For those who still can dream Money I don't have Good looks aren't mine These days I don't even have time All I have are these useless dreams, my wings The promises that were made to me I give you these Thread carefully for you thread on broken things

For few I couldn’t sleep, I’ve been living in hell Trying to make it through life and feeling like I’ve failed Sometimes its not always the well thought choices which are right Sometimes its the mistakes that win a fight I know better than most how blessings come In disguise After all the best blessings are a surprise and surprises take time I guess I’ll just have to wait for time.

I'm going to see if I can keep this short... Its been an eventful two weeks is all I can say, I realised that as much as I picture my Dad to be a cold heartless monster he is still human in every sense of the word. Me, my brother and him were able to sit down and eat together for the first time in 6+ years. Yeah it was ruined because he blame us for letting his tuxedo get caught and ripped in the trunk despite it being his fault, but it is still progress. Also I got my results, according to them I am not part of the top 20% of students in the UK. However this doesn't bother me, I couldn't affordmthe living costs of a Russell group University scholarship or not. And I get a paid year abroad as well as people not being reputedly narcissistic in my second choice university. All I can say is the future is uncertain, but I anticipate it. Facing the future head on

No matter how you arrange these words, its always hate that shines strongest, “I love to hate spiders” “ I hate to love spiders” Interesting…

Envy is a sign of admiration, hate is the epitome of destruction, But destruction of whom, the person upon which you wish doom? Hatred is the driving force of innovation, hatred fuels determination. They tell me that love conquers all All I’ve seen is love conker and fall 50 cent once said “find out when you’re broke, love won’t get you on the bus” I say find out when you’re broken and see who really gives a fuck I wake up with love on my mind and know the day’s gonna be long and hard I wake up with hate and destruction, amd I never think about my emotions that are broken to shards. I love to hate because hate loves me and love hates me. If I tell you I love you, you’re worth nothing to me, If I tell you i hate you, you’re something to me. With me it’s not all it seems in a glance To find what’s really me you need a good chance If I love you not even death parts us If hate you, not even death parts us For the one I love I’ll walk 1000 miles For the one I hate I’ll fly till the sun dies Love and hate , Ying and Yang, In your balance we hang

"Tengo ojos solo para ver tu cuerpo." Rugby is becoming more and more interesting week by week. Recently everyone has been telling me how much I've improved, I guess I've had to up my game with the threat of what's to come, I've got to go to a completely new region, one where I'm not known. Where my reputation as invincible and indestructible doesn't stand. A new city where no one knows me as the one who's never injured. I have to, I need to prove myself as one of the best of 120 others who want my spot. But not more than I do. Anticipation of the future is the most powerful I know it will make you do anything to ensure it happens. And every time I wake up I feel my emotional connection to the outside world weaken. I suppose it needs to be like this, after all, everyone who has cared ir pretended to care has always wanted me to slow down, worried I'd hurt myself or worried I'd be better than they were. I had another argument with my dad today like I do everyday I guess. If its not one thing then its the other, I accidentally swore at him whether he noticed or not, is another question. I don't feel inclined to believe him anymore or even listen. "Every step that I take is another mistake to you" (I still remember every word he said when I was writing my university application.Which cause me to swear at him for the first time) I suppose it is, sometimes I feel like giving up like being different is worth it. But I remember I have too many enemies now to lose or quit. Sometimes its not about how quickly you finished a race but the fact that you actually finished. Forever facing the future head on.

Llevame contigo With you I'll go Llevame contigo So I'll never feel alone No te duele esto te prometo No one else has to know Solo yo y mi contigo

Well the last two weeks have been a rollercoaster of emotion and boredom. Like with some rollercoasters you only enjoy some parts. My dads back around at mine and my brother's apartment. He stays for half the week and goes back for work. Whereas I don't actively hate him I'd rather not wake up to him complaining about some random minor detail. However with every dark cloud there is a silver lining, I've finally been able to prove that my brother hoards money. And then there's the zero to a hundred event as I like to call it, my first "one night stand". Bored during the day I decide to give tinder a try, like always I get 10 matches with bots advertising BeNaughty, but this time I got matched with a real person. Me I'm not a judgmental person I swipe right on 95% of profiles, I decide if I like a person when we talk. Matched we start talking she likes cute gestures, me I know I ain't good looking but being cute is my profession, so I write her a cute few lines, we exchange snapchats and she mentions that she is thinking of throwing a house party. I go rugby training (different story for a different day) come back and we talk some more and she invites me to come along and bring some friends. Here is where I should have suspected a zero to a hundred real quick. While talking to my night out crew they do the normal rip me to shreds banter. And obviously they want to know her name to see if they knew her (living in this city everyone is a friend of a friend) one recognises the name his reply "fuck no she's ugly and hangs with fat girls if she had fit friends maybe I'd consider it". Out of our group he's probably the best looking and most mysterious. The type of guy who has girls fawning for him in the club. In reality he sounds like a dickhead here but he actually isn't I'll explain another day. He gives me a little bit of back ground but at this point i could care less no one can be bothered to move on such short notice. So I end up going to the house party alone. Zero to a hundred real fast. I go out to meet people and pick up info and sometimes a kiss and a cuddle. Drink bottle in hand I'm the first dude there I introduce myself to her friends we talk wait for more people. After half an hour looks like its gonna be a shit party and then 7 chavs randomly just walk in like they live there bottle in hand and everything. Zero to a hundred real fast like. They weren't rowdy so we had no reason to kick em out half of them were coked up though, I could smell that and the weed in the pocket. Others arrive we're all talking dancing doing what you do at a house party and then the coke comes out. Zero to a hundred real swiftly. Before I know she's taking lines, not the cute type either, the ones that are whiter than fresh snow. As for me drugs never have or will touch my system. Back to the music room me and my tinder girl get to bumping and grindin, no kissing though. And she leaves to get more lines, I follow her for some reason and pretty soon we're in the room with the chavs I'm drinking she's not. And then she gets everyone to leave and go music room I hold back go toilet and while walking out she's there. She grabs my crotch and pulls me back into the toilet. Before I could say wow she's on her knees and back up pulling her lovely black dress up. Zero to a hundred real rapid like. A couple minutes later we leave before everyone notices we were gone. An hour later maybe less and the drink goes down on me quicker than she did. Zero to a hundred real smooth. She obviously whetted my appetite and once the drink hit I had no resistance to anything even remotely seductive. And before I can say "zero to a hundred" we're alone in her room lights off, clothes off hitting it from zero to a hundred real slick.

And on I trundle the world is full of chances and opportunites maybe this is just a reminder I won’t always be alone.

Samuel Santos

Well its official mine and my brother's bikes are cursed. Every time I fix something on the bike something else goes wrong, its like taking a massive jump onto a platform only to be pushed back down. Kinda like Sisyphus except unlike him I won't be doing it for eternity, if I'm really hated just till the day I die. Well looking on the bright side night out tomorrow at least I get breaks xD

Recently I’ve been marooned inside my house with nothing to keep myself occupied apart from reminiscing about what could have been. When I’m not doing that I’m scribbling down note for new ideas and perfecting my old skills (Dance, Spanish, and other things I haven’t had all the time for.) It got me thinking, when I’m in a similar situation 4 years from now what other new skills will I learn, what other mistakes will I have made, who will be important to me (if anybody) and most importantly who will have hurt me by then. Day after day I grow stronger, night after night I feel less need for the people in the world around me, what will be the end product of this, where does it stop.

Samuel Santos

This is what you look like when you're not drunk or sober