#unique situation

MCF: MADE IN JAPAN

HIGUCHI KOUHEI

Well like a lot of bored people my age who love to meet people, I decided to download this app. For some it might be the best decision, for me its the worse decision I’ve made for a while. I download the app and start swiping didn’t reject many not being picky, well as inevitable some matches show up, had 5 matches at different times, messaged all five only one replied, Well they weren’t standard “Hey How are you?” we all know this is leads to dull convos, They were Ice breakers I thought they would like based on the profile. One profile stood out. A dark haired girl, slim ,and fair in complexion, Claims to like literature and history, also likes running and football. Seeing that I simply thought “If I ever get anyone like that, I’ll consider myself blessed by God.” By some stroke of fate or luck or a cruel and twisted joke we turned out to be a match. Hesitating at first, after all I don’t want to mess this up it may be the only chance i get. 12 hours go before I message her, 12 hours thinking, 12 hours contemplating, 12 hours anticipating. I felt like I’ve just been offered a shiny new bowl with crystal clear water inside, after a lifetime in the desert, would be a shame to spill it due to impatience wouldn’t it? Finally I decide on “Hey :) Finish the quote ‘ Is this a dagger which I see before me...’ “. It would make sense to know this quote most people I’ve known to like history and literature have been a fan of Shakespeare like I am. A few hours pass and she flawlessly replies “Handle toward my hand, let me clutch thee... Is that right I haven’t read Macbeth in ages” 

And for the first time in so long I felt my heart skip a beat, felt a bit of hope that maybe someone did think and feel like me. I reply “ Actually its “come let me clutch thee” still pretty good if you haven’ read it in a while, Whats your favorite book?” With this I leave to go Rugby Training, Mind now thoroughly set on running, catching, and more running, but the surprise that awaits me when I get back ...”Pride and Prejudice whats your’s” she replies, exactly 1 minute after I sent my earlier message and there it is again, my heart skipped another beat. Pride and Prejudice is my favorite real book, my favorite reads are all plays though. Briskly I reply so and apologise for not replying as quickly as she did and blamed rugby, message sends and 20 minutes later I get a reply. I click on the message icon and wait for it to load and then...

The App crashes, oh well as soon as I reopen the app the message will still be there won’t it? It can’t just disappear after all. WRONG in horror and disgust I click on my messages and she’s not there, only my other “matches”. As if to commemorate my shortcomings, as if I just imagined her existence, her messages, her favorite book. Its like I’ve just had the shiny bowl knocked out my hand all the precious water spilling to the floor leaving me with just the bowl to stare at and admire for pleasure. I look it up and apparently all you have to do is to login and back out. Couldn’t possibly get worse than this can it? YES IT CAN, Logging back in and now all my matches are gone, great now I don’t even have the bowl to look at anymore. 

Is this what hell feels likes, is this what Sisyphus feels every time he rolls the boulder up a hill only to have it roll back down for eternity? Is my like a cruelly unfair joke to some higher being, a lab experiment? Lets make him without flaws, breed him in a favorable environment put him without the problems of others and make his situations UNIQUE, lets make sure nothing adds up for him, lets keep him alone perhaps I’m cursed, by someone else who might know me want me to suffer, but why...

And then it comes again, the words, the mantra, the drive that took me this far, gave me the hunger to survive, to carry on alone and unassisted, the hunger thats never failed me; 

“Feel nothing, take in nothing, want nothing.”

Followed by:

“Minute by Minute, hour by hour, when you lose your drive you’ll lose your power.”

But even in face of adversity, and tribulations its not all gloom and doom, after all you’re still alive still healthy, and most importantly still yourself, sometimes you can’t change things.

“Dear Lord grant me the Serenity to accept the things I can’t change, to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference.