Little Musings

Staying up way too late and making dates with an amazing guy.

It's waking up and for the first time in your life you understand why everyone is smiling. It's feeling the sun on your skin, even when it raining. It's that constant fizziness just under your skin, making difficult to sleep.

The weight of your love is lifting from my heart. Every flutter, every beat no longer spells your name

There's a freedom that comes with being able to say "I love you, but I'm not in love with you. I want you in my life, but I don't need you to survive." It grants the freedom and strength to let go of all those parts of you that make you unhappy.

It's so much easier not to move. To stay still, only slowly breathing. It's easier to slowly pull your limbs into your self, arms and legs tightening and tangling together, eager to bend into a comfortable embrace. It's easier to keep your head covered, muffling a the sounds of life, keeping you warm in your often revisited self embrace. You imagine if you could just tuck in your head, pull in your limbs. Creating a tighter smaller existence, you'll get through it. Maybe if your lucky your presence may stop, maybe you can transcend feeling - even if for a few moments, you may be free of the heaviness in your soul. You pretend this a desire to embrace the infinitely heavy void - but this is a lie. It's hard to peek your head out, opening senses to lights and sounds of life, the tell-tell sign of the passage of time. It's hard to unfurl your limbs - losing your self embrace, rushed with vulnerability at the presence of this emptiness. It's hard to move, to carry this bottomless, heavy void in your self. It's harder to do this everyday, moving and supporting this great weight. You find solace in the times you can truly forget the weight. Eventually you fight this less and less. What was hard is now easy. You look forward to the sights and sounds of the passage of time. You no longer mark these burden-less moments, as they now outnumber your burden. This vast open place slowly shrinks, it's weight lessened by time. This immeasurable weight is now a grain of sand. This reminder becomes a pearl, a beautiful reminder of pain and change, born of a small intrusion.