When Sam fell into a fit of giggles on their way outside the bar, Ben became certain that taking her home was the right decision. He wanted nothing more than for her to be safe and sound at home, preferably in her bed, sleeping. That’s what she needed now… At least according to Ben. What she didn’t need, was more alcohol, drugs or loneliness and he was hell-bent on being there for her. These things were on his mind as the silence spread out between them when getting into the cab, on the ride and when they reached Sam’s place. How was he supposed to bring up that they needed to talk everything through, when she found herself in this inebriated state? He wasn’t even sure it was the right time, with how out of it she seemed.
When entering her front door, Ben’s eyes widened slightly at the sight. The place was a mess, clearly an outwards projection of how Sam was feeling on the inside. When Sam went to get more booze, Benjamin stepped further inside, taking it all in. In all honesty he wanted to tell her to put the bottle down, but who was he to talk? He regularly drowned his own memories with alcohol. When she asked if he wanted to go upstairs, he simply nodded and let her lead the way. This wasn’t the Sam he knew. The Sam he’d kissed and slept with. The Sam he’d been certain he’d been in love with. No, this was a shell of the woman he’d once known.
Following Sam out onto the balcony, he took a deep breath of the fresh night air deep into his lungs. When hearing her speak, Ben looked over towards the woman who looked nothing if not fragile in this state. He sat down next to her, pulling out the fresh pack of smokes he’d bought not even an hour earlier and lit one up, while thinking about what to tell her. “I’m back because… Charming’s home now” His honest words cut him a little. For years he hadn’t believed anywhere could be home, but Charming had become what he didn’t think existed. Silence lingered for a little while.
“The club, Ophelia, you… You’re all reasons I’m back. While I was out on the road, I just kept thinking what a coward I was being for just running away, after everything that happened between us. You and I we have some things we need to talk about… I just don’t think now’s the time. Jesus Sam… What are you even on?” He asked, not condescending but more worried. Ben shrugged off his jacket before placing it over Sam’s shoulders, “You’re better than this… You’re stronger than this” His gaze focused on her eyes, wanting to get through to her. He might have gone away, but she was still his friend, so of course he worried.
“Home,” Samantha repeated as she rested her forehead against the railing of the balcony and breathed in the cold night air as she closed her eyes. It definitely soothed her a little bit but her mind was still muddled and her heart still felt pretty heavy on her chest. “I don’t even know what the hell that means anymore,” she admitted, her tone bitter because even though where she and Ben were at that very moment should have been considered her home, it just felt so... empty without Rafael there. If this was what she got after trying to mold her life with somebody else, then she’d rather be alone for the rest of her life. She didn’t want to have to deal with this kind of heartbreak and longing ever again.
“Ophelia’s that blonde chick, right?” Samantha asked, opening her eyes to turn towards Ben with a small smirk. Now probably wasn’t the right time to tease him but she didn’t really think she was in the right state of mind for anything at the moment so fuck it. “You know, I’m not the only one who notices you following her around like a puppy. I always thought you and her--” She murmured before showing Ben a shrug. “No, you know what, now’s the perfect time. We should talk about what happened because-- Well, because I want to. And doing things that I want to is kind of the only thing that’s keeping me going and, I don’t know, maybe the E that I’m on. I don’t really now,” Sam said, showing Ben a shrug before taking a deep breath.
Even though she was the one who said they should talk about it, she felt herself clam up, remembering what happened between the two of them. The kiss on the dance floor, hooking up in the club’s bathroom, hearing about the fight between Ben and Raf at the clubhouse. She gave herself a moment to collect her bearings, holding Ben’s jacket more tightly against her body before looking up at him with a pained expression. “I’m not. You know, it’s... it’s sweet that you think so highly of me, Benny Boo. It really is, but... I think you have this image of me in your head that just doesn’t add up. I’m not better than this. I’m not stronger than this. Me? Crying over some guy? Having to dope myself up with drugs and alcohol just to get through the day?” Sam scoffed. “Pathetic, true, but this is who I am, Ben,” she murmured before visibly slumping, as if the fight had just completely left her body as she looked down, the silence overtaking them before she grabbed the bottle and took a large gulp.
“I wish...” Sam started to say, her voice dropping to a whisper. “I wish I could... be the girl for you. It’s not even that hard, you know? Because you’re you and you’re fucking fantastic and I’m sure I-I loved you at one point and it was just... easy between us. I never felt like I needed to be anybody but myself -- a sarcastic, narcissistic bitch in all her glory -- when I was with you because you were my best friend... who I have thought about sleeping with once in awhile. I... I honestly don’t even know how we held out as long as we did and if Raf hadn’t come back when he did, I...” Sam’s voice trailed off as she shakily inhaled. “I don’t know-- Fuck, Ben, honestly, I can’t really say what would have happened because we all knew he and I... we had all that unfinished between us... but... I do know that I don’t regret what happened between us. You have to know that I never wanted to hurt you. Not for one fucking second.” Sam looked up at him, waiting until he looked at her to see the truth in her words.
“I regret the... the after. The part where I couldn’t give you what I thought you wanted. The part where I... I hurt you. The part where I hurt Raf. The part where, even though in another life, I would have given you my entire heart, we’re in this life and I--” Sam murmured, starting to shake her head. “In this life, my heart’s with somebody else... and I... I caught him with a sweetbutt on his lap and his hands on her t-thigh,” Sam said, angrily wiping away the tears that started to form in her eyes, hating the way her voice cracked as that mental image just wouldn’t go away. Even with the drugs in her system, and the alcohol messing with her brain, she was still in so much emotional pain that it was almost funny how she could physically feel it. “I’m out here loving somebody and crying for somebody who probably thinks he’s better off without me and of all the people, I’m actually talking about this with you,” Sam said, letting out a bitter, joyless laugh. “I don’t wanna dump this all out on you, Benny Boo. I’m... I’m really sorry,” she murmured as she sniffled, a hand reaching out to harshly wipe away more of the tears. “About everything. Everything else might be shit but just know that, okay?”
