Stay Salty

Me:

Aromantics are not heteroromantic.

Asexuality and aromanticism are queer identities!

Asexuals are not heterosexual.

Aromantics are not heteroromantic.

Asexuality and aromanticism are queer identities!

Asexuals are not heterosexual.

Aromantics are not heteroromantic.

Asexuality and aromanticism are queer identities!

Basically, I have enough anxiety surrounding coming out as carefully as possible, do you think I have time to worry about aces and aros “appropriating” the day? Fuck no. If anything, the shit I see telling a-specs that they’re bad and terrible for wanting to come out makes me even more anxious.

“Ace people shouldn’t be in the LGBT+ community. We are demonized for wanting sex, so we need to be able to talk about sex, and we can’t afford to have (sex-repulsed) ace people getting in the way.”

This doesn’t make sense to me for a couple of reasons.

For one: There are children in the community. All children need to be protected from graphic conversations about sex. There are even more teens in the community, and teens also shouldn’t have to hear adults talking about their sex lives, however much those adults may need to talk about their sex lives with other adults. Therefore, we already need spaces for people who don’t want sexual details. Allowing repulsed ace people into those spaces harms no one. Under this argument, there is also no reason not to let non-repulsed aces into sexual spaces if they wish.

And for two: Do you really think the only sex-repulsed people in the LGBT+ community are ace? We transgress on the level of sex (whether sex refers to gendersex or sexuality), and outside society retaliates against us on the level of sex (i.e., rape and other sexual violence). This seems likely to result in a significantly higher level of sex repulsion than among straight people, though I don’t believe any studies have been conducted on the matter.

What the “anti-ace” side wants: -a community focused on combatting homophobia and transphobia -to provide safe spaces free of non-LGBT people in order to keep the members more safe -provide various resources toward LGBT people who are denied these resources elsewhere -etc

The problem: Not only are the goals different, the “pro-ace” side wants a community that would end up including cishet aros/aces and cis aroaces, which many LGBT people are uncomfortable with, feel less safe around, and ARE less safe around, because this would invite oppressors of LGBT people into the community–ruining the purpose of an LGBT safe space. Additionally, the LGBT community as it is provides many LGBT-specific resources that should not be going to cishet aces/aros or cis aroaces (like LGBT-specific homeless shelters, suicide hotlines, scholarships, etc), because cishet aro/aces and cis aroaces can get these resources elsewhere, without fear of being denied them for being LGBT (which is why LGBT people are forced to rely on getting these resources from LGBT-specific organizations/programs)

We need accepting health care providers. We need mental health services that won’t pathologize our orientations.

Some a-spec people need access to LGBT+ homeless shelters. Or food banks.

Yep they are. The ace experience is a non-straight experience. To talk about asexuality is to talk about being non-straight. There’s no way around it.

There’s lot of bloated academia floating around that tries to dialogue otherwise, and I just …. if your understanding of social political science manifests in the form of pseudo-intellectual arguments about how every-fucking-thing is a ‘subset’ of (white specific) misogyny and etc, then your understanding of oppression is not as thorough as you think it is.

Aces either benefit from heteronormality or we don’t. And boy howdy.

Avoid girls who:

-Don’t think bi girls are sapphic or thinks bi girls are inherently cheater/gross.

-Thinks transwomen aren’t women.

-Thinks being in the closet is cowardly.

-Trie to or does out you without your permission.

-Doesn’t tip the waiter/waitress. 

-Says she isn’t “like other girls” 

-Says you aren’t femme/butch enough.

-Cause you “sensitive” or “crazy” when you get upset.

-Forces PDA in situations where you feel uncomfortable/unsafe.

-This is already pretty much stated but, avoid TERFs like the plague.

-Shames femininity (i.e. wearing makeup/dresses, etc.)

-If she’s white and uses racial slurs in any way.

-calls other girls bitches/sluts/whores.

-Who call their ex crazy/bitch/slut/whore.

-Thinks calling them out on this stuff is homophobic.

- verbally abuses those around her

- tried to manipulate you to get what she wants

- never accepts responsibility

- gaslighting