Assorted Salts and Clown Seasonings

I know you're all here to jack it to, frankly, the best muppet porn fanfiction that tumblr has to offer but I have other things to talk about that I cannot remain silent anymore such as 1. My American Psycho remake fancast and 2. The fact that hit comedian Ally Beardsley is my Patrick Bateman send post

Someone send this to Ally Beardsley bc I think they would get a teehee out of this

wtf this is MY timeloop u can't be in here

Yeah, yeah. You said that last loop.

and I'll say it again get the FUCK OUTTA MY LOOP!!!

Smh yet another tragic instance of the working class being divided by the bourgeoise ownership mindset.

What a load of bull

Apple fanboys also always say “you can buy a dongle to have an audio jack” but listen. I have a dongle. I live with the dongle. I carry the dongle with me every day. I wouldn’t wish the dongle on my worst enemy. It is so long, and white. It’s humiliating. There’s a penis metaphor in there somewhere for someone who has the ability to feel emasculated. It’s bad for me, and it’s bad for the Apple brand. Owning the dongle is a daily admission that I bought an incomplete device. Also, the dongle doesn’t survive well in a pocket

People have laughed at my dongle!

From now on this is how all petty fandom disputes should be settled.

That one evangelical spam bot is working HARD to make sure I never go anywhere NEAR a church in the replies.

I am in despair from losing my son. I cannot accept that he would just run away to be a little circus boy. I am enraged. Whatever. Who needs him. I was a terrible father anyway

I’m literally in my beast form going to bed

Stop calling the crumbs shit. None of you realize how hard it is to photoshop crumbs falling mid-air via a birds-eye perspective. They don't just have 'mid-air granola crumbs' on google, no one has ever thought of photographing that before. I had to color a bunch of boulders brown. I had to find images of various boulders and color them brown, whnich yeah, when I say it out loud, does make it sound like a funny euphemism for shit, but it's really more of a light brown color and it took a lot of time and effort, so stop.

i thought they were bees.

oh my fucking god. oh my god. it can't possibly look like that to you

Why is it a vertical blur and not radial

My ex wife and I are devastated. Every day we wake up at 5am and search for him in the streets. Our son. We search all day, looking for him in bushes, under cars, in the neighbors' garages. I always feel like he's right around the corner. I keep thinking he will come back home. We set humane traps for him all around my apartment complex, using a giant lollipop as bait, as that is the snack children like the most. I feel fucking hollow. Come home, my son. Come home.

Should have sprung for the inhumane traps smh

I'm very tired and briefly considered the possibility that British people enjoy a weird delicacy called "mozzarella lemonade"

get a load of this guy who's never had mozzarella lemonade

Team Lemon Peel, let's really fuck this shit up