Stuff I’ve Heard At College this Year
- Smacks lips. Eats a skittle. Commits treason.
- My entire life is filtered through a lens of rAgE.
- classmate: Dr. Sukany, how old are you?
Dr. Sukany(without skipping a beat): born around 1641
Classmate: that is some Eldritch Abomination level crap!
- *a desperate, exhausted voice*: he had no elBOWS
- Please tell me I can wear Thanos.
- Tis I, the goat sex man.
- If you want the grade, you’ve got to be willing to go to jail, and you’ve got to be willing to be eaten by wild dogs.
- Excuse me while I eat this yellow Starburst and cry.
-Do you think I’m above raping a horse?
- I stay awake at night wondering if I should be in the diet cat room.
- *My roommate, in her sleep*: Where did he come from, where did he go, begone foul demon, Cotton Eyed Joe.
- I always hated Anti-Cosmo, he was so contrived.
- Give me the HECKIN drugs.
-I can take the fierce grape.
- friend: The father, the son–
other friend: and the finger licking spirit
- Jump up- and kick yourself- in the kidneys- with both legs. *spastic motions* the double- self-inflicted kidney shot.
- *from the adjoining classroom*: Go! Go! GO! GO!
*a man’s voice*: the enthusiasm has turned destructive!
- If I were married to Hillary Clinton, I’d cheat too.
- As the great Tomathy Hanks once said, ‘hot hot hot hot hot hot hot chocolate’
- Oh, no, I spilled the magic water on my hands
- Do you think they’ll take my contacts out when I die? Because I want to see in Heaven.
- Stick that up your butt pipe and suck it.
-I haven’t blinked emotionally all day.
- I feel better now that I’ve angry pooped.
- If I could kill a deer Wednesday it would solve all my problems.
- Don’t point at me with eyes lowered and Taki dust on your hands.
- The dirt sounds different than it used to.
- Ya know ‘c’, as in ‘kill’.
- If you had to blow a goddess on a cockle shell to shore, you’d make a stupid face too!
- Wow, this baby cries like a communist.
- Or maybe he just edited his nipples out, wouldn’t be the first time.
- Back in the day when I used to hijack semis.
- My cat smells like dryer sheets.
- The once-ler?? That’s me!
- All we eat here is chicken, and I see Burger King commercials and I SHAKE.
- You turn the corner. There is a piranha boob lactating.
-I had to kill the dolphin so I could sleep.
- Hi guys, my body shape is Steve from Minecraft.
- I will not be the hand-smeller.
- Friend *reading a crayon cereal number* does W3O6 mean anything to anyone in this car?
other friend: that was my mother’s maiden name
- *baffled fear* where are you getting all these birds?
- I’ve been really getting into Taylor Swift conspiracy theories as of lately.
- I buy it to bleach bones.
- The M’MAM, slaps two chicken patties onto my plate– BUNLESS.
- I’m kinda intimidated by the floating piece of wood, babe.
- I’m going to make you have nightmares in your daydreams.
- Calm your huge purple tits, Thanos.
- I’m miserable at my job, earning money all day. Then I give back to the community, and what do they do with it? THEY SIN.
- I hate that voice. It makes me want to stab both my eyeballs out and consume them.
- What the ever loving frick frack titty whack
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